Monday, 02 November 2009
-
For Public Consideration: Age Difference
I'm 22. I'm a student, 3 years past graduation. I have a boyfriend. We've been together for 3 and a half years, well only 3 years since we dated for 5 months. We've been living together for 2 years. He's older: he just turned 30 so we have an 8 years difference.
I guess age difference is quite common, especially women with older guys or guys with younger women depending on how you see it. A few years difference, I guess up to like 5 isn't shocking, yet 8 years seems like a lot to me. This is a subject on which opinions vary so my question is: how much difference really isn't much and how much is too much?
I'll give you a few details about our relationship so that you can fully understand and tell me whether if you find this normal or not and how it is shocking to you if it is.
When we met I was 18 and he was 26. Originally it was just sex between us but we got to know each other. I had just graduated and he was out of work, we had both recently broken up with someone and we were both broken-hearted. We had fun together, we connected and quickly we started seeing each other often. We were basically friends with benefits and our relationship built on trust, solidarity and the fun we had together. We never thought things could get serious between us as a couple because of the age difference. When he told his mother about that she said he was stupid, that it didn't matter as long as we loved each other and had fun together. After a few months my mom asked me about this guy I was seeing and wanted to meet him. I thought my parents would be shocked or at least surprised when we came to visit them but they were welcoming. When I talked to my mother afterward she kept saying how good looking and nice he was and mentioned nothing about age. It's precisely everybody's normalness about it that freaks me out.
It's always been on my mind but I couldn't fight my feelings for him. Now I worry about everything, I feel like I am, he is and WE are in sin. (I mean in Christian terms, virginity before marriage and all, who isn't nowadays?) But I don't know, benefiting from his wisdom, knowledge and experience on many things especially sex makes me feel like I’m having something I’m not allowed to. And him getting something he shouldn't be allowed to also. I want to just enjoy it but sometimes I can't. He doesn't seem to understand or agree with any of this which is the most disturbing to me.
When thinking about the future, I see things getting complicated. I talked about it to a girlfriend and she said my worries are not age-related, but about fear of commitment. The thing is, I don't think I’m looking for reasons why we couldn't be together like he sometimes tells me but I love him, I want him and I want to avoid realizing it's not going to work before we get even closer. But I guess when it comes to love you can't rationalize and you never really know.
So here it is, I need your opinion, is this wrong? Is it inappropriate?
Lastly, does this make sense or have I just gone plain crazy: if he had had a son when he was young like 15 or 16 like it can happen, then his child would be 15 now. Which makes this hypothetical son 7 years younger than me which is the same number of years I’m younger than him...
I need your reaction, thoughts, about all this or about age difference in general.
-
recommend
- recs 0
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: mysterygirl3000@xanga
-
Premium
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 2107 Comments: 0 73 View all posts by mysterygirl3000@xanga
Comments (73)
It really depends when in general you guys met and how much of a deal it is later. As we get older, age doesn't really become a factor anymore. But if it's like a 28 year old meeting a 17 year old, then yes it might pose as a problem. It also depends on preference as well.
i personally think age doesn't matter, if you can connect together and have fun together, who cares what other people think?
Dude, you are thinking way too much into this. It is really not that big of a deal. Is it that hard to accept a big age difference? Maybe it is something else...
8 years may be a lot but you have to keep in mind, you guys are older. The age difference applies less when you're older.
Society may think it odd to have a large age difference, but people around you don't seem to think so. Whose opinions matter more?
the older you are, the less age matters because you are more likely to be at the same stage of life. at this point, i think it does matter, but that doesn't mean you can't make it work. i'm just highly skeptical of a 26-year-old who wanted an 18-year-old fuck buddy.
It's okay! A lot of people frown on it, but it's more common than you think. I've dated guys 7 or 8 years my senior and I'm a few years younger than you. It's especially taboo when you're a minor [as I was] but as you grow older, a greater age discrepancy is more acceptable. In other words, the age difference will only grow more insignificant as time goes on. So don't worry.
Me and my boyfriend have 8 years separating us. My cousin and her boyfriend have 8 years separating them. There were times when I used to struggle with that but to us, we are so compatible that it just doesn't matter.
I think you are just freaking out too much about the age difference. It can work and it has worked out for you. I don't see the problem. It is not wrong or inappropriate.If you love him, and he treats you right...then that's all that matters.
Everyone has different preferences. My mother had told my sister that she should date someone 7 to 10 years older than her and for me, 3 to 5 years older. My mother based it on our maturity level. I don't know if I should be insulted or not since my age range is so much younger than my sister's. haha
I'm in a similar situation.. not for dating but just for hanging out, for a lack of better words fuck friend. But the shoe is on the other foot.. I'm the older one. And in my eyes it makes me uncomfortable, other people frown on it, I get made fun of and yet when the guy is older than the girl it is okay and as long as its nothing illegal the difference in years isn't a big deal. I don't think you have anything to worry about, age really really shouldn't matter as maturity levels can differ. If the guy is mature and acts 35 but is only 21 then its only just a number. Go by how you feel and what age you would peg him at if you didn't actually know his age.. I should take my advice.. but again its a whole other ballgame :S
I am in a situation similar to yours, except i'm a little younger but that definitley is a big factor in our relationship.... I was a freshman and he was a senior, I was 14 and he was 17. As things went on we dated and I figured it would be a casual relationship but it turned into so much more... I am now 17 and he is 20. I am a senior while he is outta school and works full time. My home life has turned so many times around and around... but we manage to work though it all together, he is the most amazing to me. This February he will be 21 while I will be 18 in April. Also our 3 years is Feb. 2nd. My parents told me age doesn't matter listen to your heart. While his parents are divorced and his Step mom doesn't like me for some unknown reason and I say his dad doesn't either, he claims his dad just hasn't settled the age thing even though we've been together almost 3 years now so thats getting old to me... His mom however adores me and we spend weekend after weekend there together!!! We both had our fair share of OMG your 3 years (older, younger) than him/her, but we would just shake our heads and say yes but we love each other very much and thats all that matters and to this day no one can make me happier and we continue to support each other in the everyday challenges... I don't see him all week most weeks because I go to school and he works nights so were on oppostie schedules, but we manage and on the weekend were inseperable!!! :D It's like our relationship is brand new everytime were togther. We do however text all day everyday and know all the details of each others life. I know i'm young, but were GOING TO get married!!! I also hope this helps you to relaize anythings possible as long as your both happy and willing to make things work for as long as possible.
My boyfriend and I are 7 years apart and we've been together for 2 and a half years AND we're long distance until next year when I move in with him. I think nothing of our age because we're in love. When love plays a role in a relationship, it conquers all. If your family and his family accepts it, why can't you? It's not a good idea to "doubt" your relationship, because something actually MIGHT go wrong just because you wished it.
You guys seem very much in love so just go with the flow. Our society now-a-days are NOT against age differences. I know a hell of a lot couples that have a big age difference. Why don't I and anyone else care? Because they're in love. We have no say in someone else's happiness. And it's pretty sad that you're second guessing yourself...wth are you thinking?
You have a perfectly good man, why trade him in for someone younger and probably more immature? You're selfish for only thinking about yourself and not thinking about your partner and at the same time, you care too much of what other's think.
Please don't ruin what seem like a perfectly cute relationship...
wow people say it is bad that i, as a 15-yr-old girl, am with an 18-yr-old guy. however, i don't consider age a factor really at all. i mean, what is it other than a number? it doesn't mark maturity or anything, despite what some may think.
so do what you will.
Seems like most of these girls have it right. Besides, according to half + 7, you're doing just fine (30/2 = 15+7 = 22, woooo). I may have suggested at 18 it wasn't a particularly healthy/growing relationship in general, but at 22 and having been together for 3+ years, that's not really an issue anymore. Since you've been together thus far, I'd stop looking at age, and start looking at expectations. Seems you've cleared stage 1 (physical attraction), stage 2 (compatibility), stage 3 (environment, ie: parents), stage 4 (maturity, I assume anyway), and now you're on to stage 5 (expectations). If that matches up, you are probably good to go. That only leaves 3 stages left (enjoyment, intellectual attraction, and makes you better), none of which I expect age to play a direct factor in.
I think as long as they are both adults age shouldn't matter... but to me I won't date an older woman. =P
@j__mac@xanga - yeah I agree, once maturity starts between the couple, age aint nothin but a number...haha..the OP is juggling numbers more than she needs to. I think once both people are adults it's fair game, doesnt matter the age.
@Saelee2009@xanga - yeah I cant see myself dating an older woman either...weird...
Thanks you for your comments. I didn't mention in my post that we've been together for over 2 years now, he moved into my place for a couple months and we've moved to another country very far from home. We're loving this new place but I'm starting to really miss my family and I'm thinking of going back home after I finish my Uni year. He's very understanding and will either follow me back home if I want him to or stay there a while if he needs to finish a work contact because he he still loving it here. It's true I worry a lot about something that I didn't see as much of a problem before but the distance thing might be what this is really all about.
ps: what a nasty picture datingish chose!
@Rain_Loves - I know I have a perfectly good man and I never said I wanted to trade him. I don't think I'm only thinking about myself, I do care about him and his feelings . I'm sorry if I sound selfish but I was just trying to stick to the main subject, obviously the post isn't about how much we love each other because we already know that.
LOL!! You're fine, you are both legal, consenting adults. You have been since you met. It's not wrong or inappropriate.
If sex before marriage is important to you (You can't change the past) Tell him that you want to start abstaining until you're married. If he's in it for the long haul, he'll wait, but realize that since it's been in your relationship from the beginning, this will not please him.
The fact of the matter is he doesn't have a hypothetical son, and at some point, maybe you two will have kids together. Age in your case doesn't matter unless you want it to.
your hypothetical situation is jsut a bit irrational. honestly if you guys work well together, don't have too many differences, then it shouldn't matter.
I was along for it up thinking maybe my general view of older guys wanting younger girls only for sex was wrong, until you pointed out that he was 26 and you were 18 and you only started as sex buddies...so that kinda proved my point. Sure something may have grown out of it, but he was 26 going after an 18 year old girl purely for sex, or at least that's how you made it sound. I've personally never been fond of going after younger girls and tend to stick around my age or go older. But 30 years ago it was common for guys to be 10 years older than their girls. So it's not that big a deal.
My only concern if I was you, would be that when you get to 26 he doesn't go looking for a 20 year old heh. Just kidding, mostly. The age difference between you and the kid is a bit strange though. If you're happy with him then age shouldn't matter though.
I'm 20 and my bf is 33 so we have a 13 year age difference. I'm not to sure what the issue is but maybe the two of you need to talk about your realtionship and where you want it to go. My bf and I talked about that stuff (marriage and kids) and I told him my plan and that if he didn't like it he could leave.
Age can matter if the two of you aren't on the same page but I think that may have more to do with personality than age. You both are adults so what you're doing isn't wrong , at least not to me. I think a lot of the worry about age difference is all in your head, i know it was in my head! We're told often that having a large age gap is bad and that each party has an alteriative motive which isn't true in all cases!
Do what makes you happy :)
age is just a number but to a certain extend. for me; i would never date anyone 5yrs or older than i am because the gap is too big for me and it makes me feel uneasy. and i would not date no one 2yrs younger than me. my bf is 2yrs younger and we work great together.
Yeah you might be overthinking this. If you guys are doing well, and you two are happy. Keep doing what you guys are doing!
i do think you're overthinking it. if you guys have known each other 3 years, and he's good to you...i think you should really be fine. if he was only interested in sex, would he have lasted 3 years? :p the age difference isn't that big of a deal when you get older. espcially since it sounds like everyone around you is okay with it...parents are cool with him...i'd say you're good.
age is just a number, dont be so hard on urself and just go with the flow. hey if you guys love each other then thats all that matter. doesnt matter what others think, you guys are in the relationship nobody else. only you and his opinion matters forget everyone elses. live your life and just be happy thats all.
I did the same thing when I was 18, as did my mother and grandmother.
yes, at 18 it seems weird to be dating someone 8 years older, but as you get older, you're going to discover that all of your boyfriends will be a few years older than you.
it's "weird" when the chick is like, 18, and her boyfriend is like 40.
but hey, as long as it's a real relationship, what difference does it make?
Whoa there! Slow down, girly! You are WAY, WAY overthinking NOTHING!
8 years is not that big of a difference. It is if you were, say, 11 and 19, but 22 and 30 is really nothing. I say if it's more than ten years, you're looking at some big windows in what stages you two are at in life. My best friend met her boyfriend when she was 20 and he was 32. They're still together five years later, and I'm not saying they haven't had their differences because of age, but it works. And plus, the older you get, the less the difference gets to be. No one would think twice about a 40 year old dating a 50 year old.