My boyfriend is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. It's funny how you go through a tough break up and you think you will never find anything then all of a sudden someone comes into your life- out of nowhere. That's how it was with me and my love.
Here is the thing: His ex girlfriend of about a year and a half just had his baby. When he told me I was terribly hurt and so was he. We cried in each others arms. He told me how much he loved me, that he was sorry, he didn't want to lose me, that I was so different...
I thought "Why couldn't it be me?" A baby is a special part of someones life, and all he wants is to be the best dad he can be and I am so proud of him. He is so responsible & just wants his daughter to experience a happy life.
But then again there is me. I want to be happy too. He makes me feel like I am on top of the world but now that the baby is here I know everything will be different. I know I will be part of the baby's life and I have no problem with that. I would enjoy playing, changing, having walks or just watching the baby with him. I am just scared that he will all of a sudden want to rekindle things with his ex or vise versa. He says that his first reaction when she had told him was trying to make it wok for the baby. I questioned that to him--- "If you didn't have feelings for her then why would you suggest that?" He told me that he never pictured his life like this. That everything is backwards and he thought that doing that would make things better for the baby even though that would mean sacraficing his happiness since him and the baby's mom do not get along.
He tells me he knows things will be okay, and yes it will take some time for everything to come into place, but to please be patient with him.
I see potential in our relationship & do see it blossoming I am just afraid & would just like to know if anyone has or knows someone who has been in a situation like this. What was the outcome?
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Comments (43)
This can't end well..
@Crimson_Ballad@xanga - Agreed.
@whitetrashpoet@xanga - Well then. Should she break it off and save the heartbreak, or should she just brace herself? He's going to feel sorry for this other girl. He's going to beat himself up. And then it won't be what's best for the baby. It'll be what's best for them, them as in mom dad and little bundle, and not this girl. I guess that's the real question here.
wow that sounds like such a difficult situation ><
good luck with it all :(
x
@Crimson_Ballad@xanga - I'd say break it off, mostly because I don't think I could ever be with someone who cheated, let alone knocking up the girl he cheated on me with. It sounds far too complicated, and I don't see anything positive coming out of it for the original poster.
@whitetrashpoet@xanga - I guess so.
my sister is going thru something similar. she knew he had a child with another girl but still married him and now the ex girlfriend is constantly in their life because they have shared custody on the child. it's been extremely difficult because one part of her trusts her husband but at the same time the ex is always going to be in their life no matter what, as long as that child is alive and living. i guess for me, i don't like drama so i would stay away as far as possible even if i love that person a lot.
WOAH!..
@whitetrashpoet@xanga - Where does it say that he cheated? Looking at the descriptions, a baby takes 9 months to be born. Him and the ex dated a year and a half. Nowhere is it said WHEN the OP and her boyfriend STARTED dating, so it could easily be that this baby was from BEFORE they started dating. It's wiser to ask before jumping to stupid conclusions.
@Woodenspoon - Your answer is simple, though the situation is not: Allow things to run their course. One of two things will happen:
1) You and he remain a couple2) He leaves you to be with the baby and the mother
You can't very well stop either from happening, though one is obviously preferred over the other. Support him fully, and be there for him and his child. That's all you can, and should, do.
Honestly, it's nice to see entries like this come up. Real questions, about not-so-ordinary situations. Sorry, I tend to revel in the more honest entries, than the vacuous "OMG THEY CHEETD AND I HAZ HIZ CHILDZ!", or "HEERS WOT WIMMIN FINK!!!" posts on here.
Oh my god. I had to read this post because I DID go through this EXACT situation. I was dating a guy who failed to mention that his ex, who already had one kid by him (which he did not mention to me either in the beginning, someone else had told me) was pregnant with his second kid. So one day I met his mother by accident, who did not like me because I was not his babies mother and she is so traditional she thought it was wrong for him to date anyone else, decided to tell me he had a kid on the way. So apparantly when I met him, she was already two months pregnant. I was young and dumb and decided to stay with him. It bothered me sooo much, but I stayed.
In the end, I was right all along. He said over and over that him and her were through and they only still got along for the baby. I found out, after me and him were over, that he had been screwing around with me AND the babies mother. When she had the kid, it just broke my heart. It is wierd being with someone while the other girl has his kid. It's a strange situation, it's a bad situation. And often, there are never good outcomes. Sure, it's possible. All I'm sayin is that it's something more likely to be disastrous and it will do nothing but tear you up in the end. I guess it's just a life lesson you have to learn, just like I did.
I wouldn't be able to go through with it. It might be hard to let him go but it's a place you should never be in in the first place, especially if the baby is only so young. Don't get yourself involved.
@Schristian@xanga - I thought that she meant that her boyfriend had dated her a year and a half ago. If I misread, then I retract my advice. But from what I read, I thought he had broken up with said ex a year and a half ago, but she JUST had the baby. Because if he just dumped his pregnant girlfriend and started dating this girl, why would he have been all weepy and apologetic? Because he failed to mention the whole baby thing? Because I'd dump him for that, too.
@LoveYouToDeath16@xanga - thanks for sharing!
i think it would be hard to let go as of now because you think there is a great chance you two are hitting off well.. but its actually better not to get involved with something so complicated.. and he even tried to tell his ex that he wanted to make things work. having a baby changes the way a person feels with another. you're stepping on very thin ice here. learn from "loveyoutodeath16" and hope she serves as an example. be strong girl~ that is a hard situation you're in.
Woodenspoon... you seem to be a kind and empathetic person. You extend compassion to a child that is not even yours. So I say.. should you choose to stay with him, guard your heart. Remember that as the baby grows up, he/she will not accept you. He/she will think you're the person who kept his/her parents apart from living a life as a family.
I'm confused... was this baby something that happened as part of him cheating on you, or the result of the last stretch in his previous relationship? I think that needs to be cleared up because it seems that most of the comments are being geared towards whether you should continue the relationship based on the fact that this guy cheated...
In order for this child to grow up in a healthy way, his parents will have to maintain a civil and somewhat friendly relationship. So, more likely than not things will change for you. Even if the ex weren't in the picture, a baby isn't going to immediately be ready to take on long walks and play all day. You shouldn't be disillusioned that it's going to be an easy thing- this is a child and it's going to stress your boyfriend out, and therefore take a toll on your relationship. Will your boyfriend see some light and end up with the ex? Who knows, but you should be less concerned about you and start thinking about how you're going to support your boyfriend (if you intend to stay in this relationship) and his new commitment he's going to have to make to his daughter. You have every right to want to be happy, but I believe that the more you help your boyfriend through this the happier he'll be and therefore your relationship is more likely to benefit from it.
something similar happened to me. not getting into too much detail, the baby didn't end up being mine but i still love her like she was my own. i did the same as your bf though.. i broke up with my then gf and stood by my ex as best as humanly possible. you have to give him time to sort things out. i'm sure there are a billion things running through his brain and it's shitty that he has to put you through this. just stay strong, support him as best as you can, but in the end, think selfishly and do what's best for you. if you can't deal with it, it's best to leave. if you want to latch on, make sure it's your decision and not something you fall into.
My friend went through the same thing and she ended up leaving him. Personally, I don't think the baby mama drama is worth it.
That's one reason why I refuse to date guys with kids, especially if the mom is still around. Don't get me wrong I'm sure the guy would be great to date, but I want my own family and not half broken ones. And I wouldn't like the idea if raising someone else's kids either.
This is too much drama, etc.
this sounds messy already.
so complicated.
good luck.
yes things are a bit messy, but I think if you don't let ur relationship run its course then you will probably regret something. Sometimes ppl have children with someone else and then go on the have a healthy happy relationship with a new person and sometimes marry them. I think it depends on ur relationship. Like how in to each other you are. Lots of ppl try to make it work for their childs sake but that doesn't meant they still have feelings for that person. I'm a believer in fate, if its ment to be it will happen... I think if ur relationship is good then u owe it to each other to see it though.
Sounds like you love him. That's cool.
well,...i'm going to be the woman who is on the other end of the spectrum. the one with the child. i was 4 months pregnant with our child when i found out he had cheated on me. this was also a month and a half before our wedding. when he came to see our son when he was almost 5 months to take the paternity test and set up child support, he was engaged to the woman he left me for. well, the 2nd week he was visiting he started the "i still love you. let's get back together and become the family that our son deserves. etc etc etc" he's military. he was getting ready to deploy to iraq. said he would think about "who to choose" (how nice, right?) when he was deployed and then let us know when he thought of the decision. not even 3 days after he gets back to where he's stationed, i finally find him online and said "so, what's going on?" and he said "well, she picked me up from the airport and when i told her what happened between us, she started to cry and i felt bad. so i told her i'd marry her." uh, yeah. that's what happened. they had a baby girl last oct (so, she's a year old now) and she has a 10 y/o girl from a previous marriage. they've been married since aug 2006. how many times has he come out to see our son since he saw him when he was 5 months old? Zero. Our son will be 4 in feb.
I guess it depends on the guy's intentions. Do you really know why they didn't last? Do you think that there is a possibility that they'd get together "for the better of the child." Apparently, his "father" fell madly in love with her and never looked back. So,...who knows. Just keep your guard up and if anything,...think about how the mother feels about this. I know that it wasn't her fault that he ended up with her, but I still think of her as a "homewrecker." Twisted, isn't it?
At one point he thought about rekindling things with the mother of his child and sacrificing his happiness along with it for the child's sake? Seriously. If he don't love her nor is happy to be with her, what makes him think the child will grow up in a healthy and loving family that she should and deserve to be? Sorry, but I'm not a fan of "staying together for the kids sake" when both parties wants to rip out the others throat. Better love and nurtured the child by not being together than together.
This guy has thinknig ALL wrong. My parents found out they were pregnant with me and a few months later went to Vegas and got married. They werent meant to be together, they were never happy and thus I was never happy. They fought, aruged, my dad cheated, lied, but they stayed together cuz thats what they thought would be best for me. Unfortunately they're unhappiness had a HUGE negative effect on me. I still turned out alright thanks to all the other loving people I had in my life, but I dont have a good relationship with my parents at all. And I'm positive life would have been a lot different (and possibly easier) if they had just split early on or never got married. After 18 years of marriage (when I was grown up and gone) they finally divorced, and for the best.
My point is that just cuz they have a baby together doesnt mean they should get married. ESPECIALLY if they dont get along. Two unhappy married parents isnt better than happier single parents. You should really try to talk to him about this.
As for YOU.... well.. just take the ride and hope for the best. But if you want to be in this relationship you have to be in the baby's life... which means you better be prepared to deal with the ex on regular basis.