Then how come I feel like one still?
Its been almost 4 years since I came out of a abusive relationship. I started dating him at the beginning of November 2005, and it ended in February 2006. I still carry the scars of my past. I am happily married to my loving husband and I admitted for the first time and to anyone for that matter all of what happened.
He emotionally abused me first by controlling my life and everything I did, even while he was out of town in Louisiana for six weeks.When he came home around Christmas it just got worse. He raped me on New Years Eve, he was so drunk he couldn't even take my panties off, he still raped me. I went home covered in my own blood because somehow please don't ask, he did it to me. It got worse, on the last night he ever hurt me he hit me until I was fading in and out of consciousness, my best friend stopped him. I don't remember the ride home, I just remember being carried into my parents house, looking in the mirror seeing my reflection, the bloody and swollen lip,nose bleeding,left eye swollen shut,bruises up and down my arms, a boot sized bruise on my side from where he stepped on me and kicked me with his steel toed boot.
I never got help, I never went to the doctor because I was scared. I still have nightmares and flashbacks to the abuse, and I have to be careful what I watch and what I listen to because anything will set it off. I asked my husband
how could someone do this to a person? I didn't ask to be abused I didn't do anything to provoke him. I haven't seen him since the last time he hurt me, but I still see his face, the ugliness of his rage the words he used to belittle and hurt me the pain he inflicted on me. I still have occasional breakdowns where all I can do is curl up in the fetal position shake and cry while my husband watches helplessly.
I don't want to be a victim anymore, I am taking steps to put it all behind me. I just know soon I won't ever have to live in fear of my past, I can watch what I want, listen to what I want and not be afraid anymore. This isn't really a woe is me post, just a fact lesson to what abusers can do to a person and the after effects. No one ever lives through abuse no matter how insignificant it seems and especially dating abuse unscathed. Scars take time to heal and some people no matter how hard you try to make them understand, will ever understand. I know its not my fault, I am not a victim and he will not control me. Its my mantra, because I have someone that loves me now and will do anything and everything to make sure it doesn't happen again.
I'm not sorry it happened, it happened, I just want more people to be aware that it does happen and there are people everyday going through it who just need a way out. There is always a way of escape the road is long the road is rough but getting out of it alive is one way your going to help yourself. Get help if your in an abusive situation, or if your out of one, find someone to talk to, you will feel better. Just realize your never alone.
What is your advice to someone who is in or has survived an abusive relationship?
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Comments (14)
That's horrible honey. I've never been abused by a boyfriend, but my parents used to physically abuse me, and now that I'm older and can stand up for myself, they emotionally abuse me. It wasn't as horrible and could have been worse, but it was still scarring. However, I found ways to cope. Talk to close friends and whoever you feel you can trust for a start. Stand strong, you have someone who loves you and cares for you--love him and care for him back and put it as far behind you as you can. It's for the best. You have to live life to the fullest, don't let anything hold you back. <3
This takes me back to that recently posted Chris Brown article, and now I have to say that I'm going to put my foot in my mouth. With that being said, I cant imagine the emotional anxiety you're going through. I do know, that if I were your husband (and this is just me talking), I'd find your abuser and beat the holy crap out of him until he cant even recognize his own identity. I'm not a violent person, but I cant imagine dirtbags like that out there that get away with stuff like this. I wish you all the best, and hope you can overcome your fears and doubts. Cherish the new memories you are able to make, cause it's only going to get better!
I can only say to stay away and leave the abuser. They end up being killers and only escalate and get worse, never get better.
i'm so sorry you had to go through that, but i'm glad you got out of it and you got help with your friends and family.
i only have one question: didnt u fight back?
i know that if someone hits me id hit them back no matter who they r. my dad hit me once. he ended up in the hospital and 3 stitches on his head.
"my biggest thing is that how could I
let someone do that to me? I always think "you stupid asshole, how
dare you think you have power over me and I couldn't make it stop. You
took complete and total control over me and made me feel like 1/1000th
of a person, you took my dignity away, you made me feel worthless. I
loved you and you said you loved me too so that's why you were so mentally
"controlling", that makes me sick." - findsunshine@xanga
Sometimes a woman needs to get angry, have high self-esteem, and think that men are not important to them. If you do end up in one of those abusive guys, leave asap and never look back. See, you found a better man now. Good luck~ ^_^
@DeathzDezign@xanga - good advice there. that's what i would say!
plus, be willing to talk to a close friend about it whenever you need to...if journaling is something you do to "get it out" id do that, too. learning to treasure new memories and think on those is a good help, as well!
Get out/Get help.
Talk about what happened to anyone you trust. It took me months to recover from my emotional abuse. I still have times where I am still scared about hanging out or even talking about my guy friends, even though I know my boyfriend is cool with me having friends that are guys---it's my ex-boyfriend who always threatened to hurt MY friends. I stopped hanging out with any of my friends to protect them. Anyhow, the relationship ended a little over 3.5 years ago but the scars are still somewhat there. The only way I could think of to help me was to tell people my story.
1. by virtue of still being alive and living your life as fully as possible, you're not a victim. you're a survivor. you just don't see it yet.
2. as someone who went something similar, though less severe (but who felt/feels much the way you do at times) i understand how you can be frustrated on that journey: "i want to be done with this and move on, but sometimes i can't avoid it." and that's ok. as long as you know it's a day at a time. one foot in front of the other. every step you take and breath you breathe is one more that you kept him from stealing from you. consider the small, every day victories. it's the only way to keep your eyes on the future.
3. don't blame yourself, and don't take seriously anyone who chastizes you for fighting back or not, or heed whatever labels anyone else assigns you. you're the only one who was there, you know what happened, and you know it was wrong. if you consider it less as something someone did to you, and more as something you lived through that you can learn and grow stronger from, it doesn't matter at all what anyone else has to say.
4. don't ever be ashamed to have bad days, or to ever feel the need to talk to someone about it, or curl up and cry sometimes. we all have our struggles, and this is one for you. but you made it out. you're actively creating happiness for yourself. as you said, you don't ever come out unscathed. but you can determine what you do with that. and you're reaching out, and you're creating life out of the hurt. give yourself some credit. there's no timeline for when and how to feel, "better" or to be "over it." you do whatever you need to do, and know there are people who love and support you, and people who identify with you.
it's unfortunate that so many women are in the same position you are and trying to put the pieces of themselves back together emotionally-but know you're not alone, and you can do it (and, hello-you are!)
just be gentle with yourself, allow yourself the room to be angry and hurt and stew over it, and don't ever hesitate to ask for what you need. it'll be there.
My advice to getting past it is that any situation only carries the weight you give to it. Obviously it's tough to let go of situations like this, and you certainly never forget. But you need to take steps to rebuild yourself and not let this become who you are. If you try hard enough, you can possibly even think of ways how living through abuse improved your life (made you a stronger person, showed you what you need in relationships, etc). But if let this abuse control the rest of your life, then your abuser has won, because it's all about power.
But I may be preaching to the choir, because it seems you've already taken some steps to better yourself. I applaud you.
@DeathzDezign@xanga - if i was a guy and the husband, i'd done the same thing.
@mishy - Thank youu.
Yes he takes really good care of me and is very understanding.
I too suffered through an abusive relationship. Not nearly as bad as what you endured, thank god, but it was emotionally scarring. Even now, five years later, I still have moments where I think about what he did to me.
The best thing that I can say is to take control of it. No, you will never be able to forget it. You will never be able to fully move on. But what I did was to own it, make it a part of me. Today, I am working toward a career working with victims of domestic violence and child abuse. In a way, he inspired me to do something important with my life.
I applaud you for being strong and getting out. I hope that other women can be that strong as well.