Friday, 30 October 2009
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Am I Shallow? Are You?
About 3 weeks ago, my friend Kyra and I joined an online dating site together. Thanks to said dating site, I had 4 dates this week (and I am exhausted!). I cannot say that any of them went particularly well but they left me with this question: are we shallow? or just honest?Many men on the site say they are looking for "fit" or "physically active" women. They state they want someone with a nice butt or who takes care of her body. While many of them do also state the desire to date someone with a brain, would it be so wrong to date someone who's smart and funny and sweet... and a little overweight? or a lot overweight?
Then this got me started on my own potential shallow-ness. Kyra and I noticed that we were looking at the pictures before deciding to look at the profiles. Even worse? We looked at the height before we looked at the pictures. Does that make us shallow? It certainly would seem we should get to know someone before writing them off as undesirable... but at the same time physical attraction is important. So I picked cute guys to talk to/meet in person. Here's how that went.
WYD someone who was awkward? Hank the med student was adorable and sweet. But so awkward! He didn't know if he should shake my hand, hug me, kiss my cheek. He didn't know how to start up a conversation. We ended up talking about sea turtles (I kid you not). BUT... cute and obviously smart. So should I say no way jose over some awkwardness?
WYD someone shorter than you? Walter the music teacher was cute. We had tons in common. We liked the same shows, movies, music and the conversation flowed like water out of a fountain. However, I am a tall girl. Walter is not a tall guy. He is a few inches shorter than me and I am a lover of all things heels. Should I say goodbye because he's lacking in the height department?
WYD someone with braces? Tim the law student. So sweet. Kind of looks like a skinny Freddy Prince Jr. Great future career. Very smart. Lots in common. Braces. Yes, braces. He needs them. May have surgery to fix jaw problems. I keep trying to look past it but even Kyra and Nicole cracked up when I told them about the braces. Should I continue dating someone if I can't get past the fact that they need to wear something that makes them look like an awkward kid? (Note: I myself wore braces for 5 years but I did so when I was a teenager, not at the age of 24).
WYD someone with a lisp? Really, Chris the law student had two things working against him. One was the lisp. The other? He also lied about his height. He told me he was 3 inches taller than me. In reality he's about my height which wouldn't be so bad... except I thought he was taller and wore heels on our date. The lisp was just icing on the cake. Should I look past the speech impediment?
I know. I sound like a terrible person. I'm writing guys off because of things they can't control. But here's the thing: I am not ready to settle. I will be picky until I find someone who takes my breath away. Someone who's 5'4'', wears braces, has a lisp, and can't carry on a conversation just won't cut it for me. I believe there's someone out there for everyone. However, I don't believe any of these sweet guys are for me or that I am for them.
Is that shallow? Or is that just honest? Have you stopped seeing or refused to date someone because of something physical?
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- From: JanetDart@xanga
- About Me: I've always loved Sex and the City and with recent ridiculous developments in the lives of me and my dear, darling friends I decided it was most definitely time to start blogging. I hope you enjoy laughing at our lives as much as my friends and I do.
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Comments (76)
You're not shallow-- we all have certain physical aspects that we prefer/ like in partners.
For example, I love guys who are a bit chubby (muscles are a turn-off for me). But some of my friends hate fat guys and only like skinny guys.
Attraction is primarily physical in those type of situations, the rest comes later. I don't blame you for having those opinions.
As someone who also has a profile on an online dating site I understand completely the urge to judge the physical characteristics first before reading the profile.
However, from what I read, and you said it yourself, "not ready to settle."
I get that you're not ready to settle for less than... whatever it is you want.
But I also feel you're not ready to settle, period! As in settle in a relationship.
I haven't gone on many dates from the site simply b/c I am not ready to settle down for a relationship. But I admit it and therefore won't waste someone else's time (and hope) or mine either.
Talk to some of these guys first. Be honest. That way you won't be "disappointed" and you won't get their hopes up.
Just my 2cents.
Here is the thing about the word "shallow"....in the dating dictionary, it should be RIPPED out.
There is not really such thing as being shallow in dating, especially in this case, there is nothinggg butttt preferences. There is nothing wrong with wanted to waking up in the morning, looking at your SO, and wanting to be able to say "You are so f#$%ing beautiful".
I always came up with the scenario...two people have the same exact personality, but one looks better than the other, who do you pick? I rest my case...and for anybody that picks "the worse looking one", is plain lying, or has some sort of superfical belief that they would have a better soul...looks are looks, period...we don't pick how we look, and it has no, no, NO connection to your damn personality.
Here is the absolute best thing about being "shallow", or a better word, but a word with a bad rep anyway..."picky"...ready? You. Know. What. You. Want. If you went to a club to pick up a date, it would be so easy for you to pick out who would date and wouldn't, it would be seemless. The other person, the "holy, unbias" person, that has no preference, will have trouble picking out anybody from a crowd, and will more than likely never pick a person, or be picked themselves...if anybody would be willing to go to a person that doesn't know their own preference.
Be a shallow bitch, period. There is nothing wrong with it, your looking out for your own happiness, screw anybody else that thinks you this way.
Uhh.. LOL. I so disagree with the posters on here so far. Haha. If you are looking for a really short-term relationship, then it is okay to be honest/shallow. BUT if this is the case, you must let the other person know that you are only interested in a short-term relationship. Seriously. Leading people on that you want to stay with them... for a long time is being mean.
Two. If you are interested in LONG term dating, marriage, "the ONE", then you maybe the one who is losing out on a whole lot but not giving these guys a shot. The guy with the braces with get them off eventually. I think it's childish to make fun of someone who has braces. I mean if he didn't have braces, his teeth would look worse.
Well actually... I change my mind. I was going to say that you are being shallow, but I guess it doesn't matter. I have a thing for personality in guys. So if I met a shallow guy, I wouldn't date him period. I don't like "shallow" guys and trust me, it's veryy hard to find a guy who isn't TOO interested in littles flaws. You totally have the right to judge. I would not date a smoker. A druggie. A shallow guy. A stupid guy.
Well, by your date picks, aside from the music teacher, you seem like a gold digger.
Law student, law student, med student.
Just saying.
in that case, I am very shallow
I can't stand people who slur their words instead of pronouncing them clearly. I don't like spanish accents, similar to antonio banderas, even if it is supposedly romantic. it weirds me out. I don't think I can stand lisps or people with monotone ben stein voices either. I think the awkwardness and braces can be adorable but it reminds me too much of a clumsy schoolgirl or boy in this situation Lol I'm short but I prefer tall guys. I like how his height towers over me because I feel that he can shield me from splashy rain puddles or other dangers that may arise. I like tall guys because he is like a giant and can pick me up by my shirt collar like a rag doll and put me in his backpack and keep me safe. Lol I'm weird. I don't settle. I'm stuck up, so what
I haven't tried internet dating. sounds shallow and kind of fun though. I won't date smokers or anybody with unhealthy addictions. I might overlook these things if he has a fantastic personality. I don't mind pudgy guys even. I'd date someone like jack black because he makes me laugh and I think he is adorable.
meh, i don't think its shallow. i mean, my boyfriend might not seem like adonis himself, to most people - but to me, he is cute, and wonderful, and i think he's very good looking. i guess girls might think he's chubby. idk. i love him though. but its me, its what III like. i'm sure the person you fall in love with will have flaws, but they have to be flaws you can fall in love with. dig?
lol whatever attraction is important in a relationship
jst dont be TOOOOO picky
x
shallow, but most people are. don't worry about it.
Braces guy! Those don't last forever. Height does.
I don't think there's anything wrong with that...I might give the brace guy a chance, since those will come off eventually. But the short guy isn't going to grow anymore. And as for someone who can't hold a conversation: I think most people would be uncomfortable with that. You date to have a good time. If it feels completely awkward the whole time, it's not a good time. And as for the lisp...maybe it's not a big deal to some people, but if you honestly don't think you can look past it, don't waste either of your time.
But no, I don't think you're shallow. You would be shallow if you expected to date someone who was an unrealistically gorgeous perfect 10 and didn't give the 7s and 8s a chance. It's not shallow to decide not to date someone who does not attract you.
i strongly believe people have to have some physical attraction before they start to get to know each other. you have to remember that this person may be the person you wake up to every morning and the person you'll be seeing a lot of. esp online dating - you have to like what you see before you give the other person the time of day. lol just my 2 cents.
wtf i totally posted in here. wth man, that's not cool.
and girl i'm totally with you here. i wouldn't date braces guy cuz i took off my braces early and i have "meh" teeth, so i'd hate to look at someone who had perfect teeth every morning. pisses me off so bad (my guy ex had gorgeous teeth -- i was so jealous). can't date a guy shorter than me, i'm 4'11''. midgets don't live as long as most people because their hearts outgrow their ribcages (ouch). and if you're into the notebook sorry kay but i don't date people who are going to die in a short time (2 years? jesus christ).
but then again i like girls, so my standards are rather different.
say though, definitely give janitor or artist guy a chance. he's not "MR LAW/MED/PRELAW/ETC STUDENT" but he'd be cute. yeah?
i am shallow to the core.
There are always those qualities of other people that irk you. Just find someone whose qualities don't throw you off as much.
It kind of seems like you're being a little too picky, but you can't really help how you feel. A lot of people seem to claim that looks aren't important, that people are shallow. But you have to be physically attracted to someone for it to work. I was physically attracted to my boyfriend before we started dating, but his personality is what really drew me in. Physical attraction is just as important as a good personality.
@Lil_Firefly_25@xanga - Heh I just wrote something about that a few days ago. Girls all having different tastes (chubby, skinny, fit etc)...it confuses us guys heh.
@Icecold4u@xanga - I don't think looks dictate your personality, but it can most definitely affect a person's personality. Look at people who were once ugly then turned hot, and watch as their personalities change. When ugly they may have been bitter sorry people, once hot they could be chipper upbeat happy people. Or vice versa, as an ugly person they could look at life and respect everything hoping for the best as a nice person, once hot they might realize they can get what they want just from being hot now and take advantage and become a prick. It is not always going to happen, but changes in appearance or social status can definitely affect some people.
And being picky going to a club makes it easier to find someone? I don't get that either. I'm SUPER picky, I've never once found someone at a club I would find worthy of wanting to get at. My friends who have little to no preference get girls all the time because they're not picky. So I don't really understand that logic.
@MissPixieGlitter@xanga - It's not as bad to be shallow as long as you outright admit to it.
As for the poster heh. I dunno if I'd call you shallow...ok if I was talking to you in person and you told me all that, I would probably call you shallow heh. However, I don't think it's wrong. I'm super picky myself so when you find things that turn you off of people it makes sense. Although I dunno if I'd let the braces deter me since it's a temporary thing. Also I'd give the awkward talker another chance to see if maybe he was just super nervous on the first encounter...I'm also a super shy kinda guy too so I can understand his pain if that's the case heh.
imo, the awkward one would be the best choice. Mostly because I find awkward adorable, but he was nervous and after awhile, people get over the original shyness of dating. I kinda understand the lisp thing but I feel a little bad, as for the brace, that's not his fault so it's kind of unfair to write him off for fixing his teeth.
i wouldn't say you're shallow, but maybe you're a bit too picky. sometimes, you have to make small exceptions to find happiness.
hank was probably nervous; if you don't give him another chance, you'll never get to see the REAL him. and it sounds like you guys had a good time together otherwise. why get rid of him right away?
tim the law student sounds like a great guy, and it's not like his braces are gonna be there forever. if you see him a few more times and still absolutely can't get over them, whatever, but don't say no to him after one date.
alot of females want more, they want them pretty boys to come into there lifes and sweep them off there feet snd live happily ever after but if u havent notice that all the cuties worthless and are cheaters so if thats something that u looking for be expecting to get ur heart broken. your never going to find your dream guy so stop it already.
Your not shallow. I think that it does take more than one date however to see whether you actually like the person, and not just jump to the first conclusion that nah he's not for me.
We all look at both physical and personality traits. That's just how we humans work. I met my husband online, and he initiated a conversation with me, so I was kind of smitten before I saw his pic. But you know, I'd tried dating guys who didn't fit my physical idea of a SO and it just didn't work. I literally went on a date with a guy who had bug eyes and a hump (he didn't have a picture up on his profile, so I didn't actually know that going into the date...) He was also boring as hell, but even if he hadn't been, I don't know that I'm a good enough person to look past it. Keep in mind, though, that braces are temporary. And the lisp...well, either you can get past it or not. And the awkwardness...well, that may be worth another look 'cause he could have just been really nervous. But bottom line, either there's a connection, or there isn't. My first date with my husband, we talked about animal hoarding and Star Wars weddings...but I had an awesome time (obviously.) So, really, if there's a connection, you'll know. Otherwise, it's so not worth trying to force it.
-Katie
Another thought, too...my best friend refused to date guys who weren't super tall (she's about 5'7".) She ended up marrying a guy who's 5'8". She also had to get her braces put back on while in college. And she met her husband while she still had them on. Now her braces are gone, and she's married a not-so-tall guy, and they're expecting their first baby (so exciting!) So braces and height, while they sound like dealbreakers...well, in the end, you can look past them if there's really a connection there. I can understand being leery of both of them, but I wouldn't rule out someone just because of them. Not if you feel it could go somewhere.
Just my two-cents:)
-Katie (again)