Wednesday, 28 October 2009
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Was It Rape?
I made it clear to my then-boyfriend that I didn't want to engage in sexual intercourse during our relationship, but that I was okay with kissing and grinding as a way of relieving sexual tension. After a couple years, grinding with clothes on led to grinding with just underwear on. However, I was still as sure that I didn't want to have sexual intercourse, and my boyfriend agreed to that.One day during the summer, he asked me to move my underwear to the side so that the only thing separating him from me were his boxers. We started grinding like usual, but after several seconds I felt him penetrate me. It was shocking, and it hurt, but it started feeling good, so I let him finish (he had a condom on).
He told me later that he had asked me to move my underwear and that he had also moved his boxers so that they were barely covering him, hoping that he might be able to slide in. I didn't really think much of it then, and I just kind of figured...well hey I've already lost it, why not just enjoy it then? So I started having sex with him.
We're no longer together for a variety of reasons (compulsive lying and emotional blackmail/abuse on his part), but I don't know what to think about what happened that day. I used to think that he probably just wanted to go for it since he thought I'd like it, and I did, so it was okay, but now when I imagine myself in his place, I feel horrified. How could a guy not feel bad about starting to have sex with a girl when she wasn't expecting it to happen and told him earlier that she didn't want to? I don't know what to think anymore...I just feel sick and disgusted with him when I imagine doing what he did, and then I feel really bad wondering why he would go ahead and do that without asking me if I was sure I wanted to lose my virginity to him.
I haven't talked to the guy about this and I feel like I should to get some sense of closure, but I don't even know what to think, feel, or say about the situation. Suggestions? Advice?
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Comments (251)
no, i don't think it was rape. it was a surprise (possibly shady), but from the moment it commenced, you made no attempt to stop him.
i think it was rape becaause you didnt want it. you didnt want to have sex then and he just did it to you which isnt a very good boyfriend at all
sadly enough, reading this post...you didn't tell him to stop so no, it wasn't. it's really shady he kinda tricked you into it though
Eh yeah I think it is in a way. =\
No, I don't think so. Had you tried to stop it, then yes, I would consider it rape. Since you didn't... it's wayyy too vague. As is, it might not have been the most appropriate move on his part, but casting a lot of blame on him doesn't seem fair.
Talk to the guy for closure if you need to, but avoid accusations if you can.
I don't think so, since you didn't say "Stop" or anything.
I have a Q though: If a guy you liked started having sex with you and you said no repeatedly, and he kept on and you couldn't stop him, so you gave up syaing no, is it still rape?
@MsKittyCatty@xanga - I think by the letter of the law, yes that would be considered rape.
As for the OP I actually think in this case it was rape. Seduction is a form of rape. In this case, he seduced you with physical pleasure. But this is more... a moral issue thing than a legal issue.
I don't think it was rape since you made no intention of stopping him when you felt him penetrate you. If you want to ask him about that day, then go for it, if you feel insecure about it.
i agree with some of the comments above - unless during that instance you told him 'no' or 'stop,' etc, i don't think it was rape. it was WRONG of him, definitely, but it wasn't 'rape'.
If you didn't want it, it was rape
But you should have said no.
It's wasn't rape. It was a surprise, you didn't know you wanted his penis until you got it.
- Kunoichi
I don't agree with all of the above comments. just because you didn't say no, doesn't mean you consented.
however, you began to enjoy it, which is why you allowed him to continue.
he had a condom on, so it kind of sounds like he planned this.
if it would make you feel better about talking to him, then do it. if it helps you move on and enjoy life, then talk to him. everyone wants closure after a breakup.
This whole situation seems horribly shady on his part, but no...I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like rape. It sounds like regret.
I would call it slightly manipulative seduction. So long as you're not hurt by it and you didn't refuse repeatedly though you tried to make a stance, it's not abuse but he is taking advantage in some ways. The question of rape depends on your emotional repercussions and your definition of force in this case.
Not rape, but what a douchemonger!
You felt him enter you and didn't say anything so I don't think it's rape. You can't decide afterward that you didn't want it and then claim 'rape!' I think that's shady behavior, no matter how much you later wished you hadn't done it.
He didn't physically shove you down and he asked you to move your underwear and you consented, so I don't think it was technically rape. You're just horrified.
@Parsimony@xanga - I agree wholeheartedly. Rape is a form of abuse, and I'd say that the latter parts of the relationship prior to breaking up was emotional abuse. I think it's possible that you want to say it's rape if you want to hate him even more.
Can't blame the guy for trying. You didn't resist so it worked out well for him. haha
If you feel it is rape, then it is rape. Personally, I do feel that it is rape (he did something without your consent; it doesn't matter if you didn't say no or not because you didn't initially consent), but it's up to you really; however, please don't feel guilty about it or anything. :( He was the douche who couldn't respect your boundaries after all.
I wouldn't label it as rape, since you did allow it to continue (you initially said you didn't want it, but once it began you didn't seem to object). But yeah, he definitely did overstep his boundaries and I think it's pretty shady. Manipulative, selfish, taking advantage of you, yes. Rape? Not exactly. I wouldn't call the physical act rape, but you probably feel as though you've been "raped"--what he did was a violation to you, your boundaries, and your body.
yikes.
Its rape in the sense you didn't want it.... but you didn't stop him when it was happening.
It wasn't. And this thing is bullcrap. Really? It sounds to me like you're whining. You could of said no stop. But you consented to it. I find this almost laughable. Listen kid. I got my skin burned by lighters and cigarettes as a kid. 3 Years old. I watched my older sister get stuff jammed up her. I had my skin ripped open with needles and shit. And that's not even half of it. Stop complaining. I've been through so much more. I'm fine now. Why? Because I don't want to dwell in the past. I've contacted by tormentor and forgiven them.
Real Shady but it's not Rape. How is the guy supposed to know it's really against your will if you don't make it absolutely clear, and you never gave him the chance to stop at your behest. Kind of scary from our perspective too, a girl could seem like she is going along with how far we push the envelope but in her head she's thinking rape? Holy Cow, what you have here is a failure to communicate not rape.