Monday, 26 October 2009
-
I say: Over it; They say: Not!
In my last blog "Silently Satisfied by the Suffering Ex", i wrote about how some people (myself included) wanted their EX- significant others to suffer.
There were two arguments going on between people.
One side said: If you're still thinking about it, "YOU'RE NOT OVER IT."
zockonzockon@xanga commented "it's crazy. move on with good feelings or it's never really over, is it?"
xoxokissme@xanga commented "Personally, I feel that any time any resentment is harbored, the person is not over the situation on some level (and I know that's exactly what you don't want to hear, but that's my honest opinion, based on a lot of experience)"The other side: Everyone feels this way, it's normal.
lot223@xanga commented: "i think we've all secretly hoped for a little bit of suffering. even when it's a good breakup. who wants to see their ex happy before they are.. or maybe i'm a little selfish that way."
explosive@xanga commented: "Don't feel guilty for feeling that way."
Now, I can say I am totally over it. And I think it's fine that someone thinks about their ex suffering. Why? Because the emotions I harbor toward my Ex is negative feelings. If I wasn't "over it" than my feelings would be some sort of attraction. Uh, yeah, none there.
I think there are two sides to being "over it".
zockonzockon@xanga and xoxokissme@xanga says "Not Over It" as in I'm not over being ATTRACTED to my ex; or they think I still have FEELINGS (romantic feelings) toward my ex. That's not the case. I am over him.Now the other two people who wrote the comments, I think have a better idea of what "Over it" means. I am over the GUY, just not the relationship he put me through. And I am glad that can say it's all right. Everyone feels something, everyone has emotions. I know and can control my emotions. And I can say, "I'm over him!"
Can you guys think of situations where you were over the guy (as in not attracted to him anymore), but still harbored negative feelings toward the past relationship?
Are there people who are in a relationship, still harbor negative feelings toward their exes, but can also they are over their ex?
Cause I think I can say, a person can harbor feelings toward their EX and still be happy in a relationship knowing their totally OVER HIM (or HER). However, I can totally be wrong.
-
recommend
- recs 0
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: ltohnoarstone@xanga
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 1083 Comments: 0 26 View all posts by ltohnoarstone@xanga
Comments (26)
In regards to attraction, yes. I'm sure you're over it. Attraction can even die before a relationship is technically 'over'.
However, I believe that there is more than one definition for "over it". This definition, in my opinion, is "able to move on". In regard to that definition, I would say no. You are not over him.
Let me explain: If your dwell on the way they treated you or 'what could have been', you are not over the person. You are not able to completely move on because they still weigh in on your decisions.
For example, if you were hurt really bad when someone broke up with you and keep hoping that the same terrible thing will happen to that person and rejoicing when it does, you are probably not over them. For, you would have to keep a (subtle) eye on them as to not miss it when it happens. In addition, you would (probably) not be able to trust the opposite sex completely because you'd keep thinking of what happened and keep it from happening again.
You may argue that this is far-fetched, but it's merely an example of how even bad relationships can affect you after the attraction is over. . . and possibly a reason as to why others have said that you're not over him.
-Chris
ps. be careful with your grammar in the last two sentences. They were really confusing.
What I said was that I feel the "person is not over the situation on some level"--and that was exactly what I meant. You are saying yourself in this entry that you are over the guy, but not the relationship you experienced with him. I don't understand how that differs from what I said initially. I think that, given that information, you and I are on just the same page here. :)
I'm not claiming that you or your SO is still hung up on an ex; that's why I didn't say that. Being attracted to your ex may go along with not being over the situation, but not necessarily. You can continue to be emotionally invested in a situation and the feelings that went along with it without necessarily wanting anything to do with the person him/herself.
I will also offer that I feel the opposite of love isn't hate--it's indifference. When you hate someone, you're still emotionally invested in them or situations concerning them. When you're indifferent, it doesn't matter because you realize it no longer has an effect on you or your life. That is what I would consider to be truly, 100% "over it."
Hate and other negative feelings take up a lot of energy. I rather just get along with them.
@xoxokissme@xanga - YUP! I agree, the opposite of Love is indifference, the absence of feeling. That's when you're truly over them, well maybe that's a bit too harsh. I mean you still know they exist. So it's not 100% indifferent, but you know what I'm trying to say, I hope.lol who can honestly say they don't secretly harbour some negative thoughts about their ex? i'm not saying you waste energy thinking of all the things you want done to them, just... once in a while they might pop up in a conversation or you might see a facebook status update and you kind of hold your breath and pray they haven't found someone before you.
@lot223@xanga - I don't. Then again our relationship wasn't abusive and we started off as close friends. So I guess it really depends on the relationship prior, during, and after the relationship.
@AznFier@xanga - lol i don't know.. i think its rare. and i'm not talking about abusive relationships or bad ones.. i'm talking about all... even the good ones. again - maybe i am selfish :)
I still think my ex should jump off a bridge. :/
I totally agree with you. My last ex and I ended our relationship on a very bad note, but even though we both hate each other, I still really care about him and hope he lives happily and hope he feels the same way. I'm very happy in my current relationship, and my feelings toward my ex has not hindered my current relationship at all.
I'm over my ex, but for what shit he did to me, i'd be happy if something completely terrible happened to him. I mean, for someone who stalked me, verbally & emotionally abused me...would be strange if I didn't harbor some hate for him.
I can say that I hate my ex. I don't spend my time plotting against him or anything, but even hear his name stirs up this sickening feeling inside me. He treated me terribly, and of course I'd like to see karma get him his. I don't think moving on from him exactly means not hating him anymore. It just means that I have a different kind of feeling for him now than I had before. I think it's totally normal. Even people I know that have told me just that, that it means I haven't moved on and all, still will occasionally talk about how shitty their ex was.
idk my ex was kind of shitty just in that he was indifferent, indecisive, and awkward. he wasnt a good bf. but he wasnt a bad person... i dont think i'd want to see something bad happen to him. actually i really don't care - it is indifference. was a long effing time ago anyway.
idk what the point of my comment was
I'm over the ex but i miss her chasing after me. That is the one thing that i miss the most she was too damn stubborn to give up.
I understand where you're coming from. For me, personally, while I'm over him (as proven by the fact that him having sex with a close friend is funny and not hurtful), it's nice to know that I was that important that someone else's life was only complete with me around. Seeing him 'suffer' is only nice because it makes me feel like I was what made him so composed. So the fact that he's gained weight, lost direction, etc, makes me feel good because he was better when I was around, so I'm that awesome! It's an ego thing, and I'm okay with that.
I wish all my exes the best, but I do NOT care for my husband's ex girlfriend. It has nothing to do with their prior relationship, but how she treats the both of us. Cruel, relentless stalker. Thankfully, it doesn't matter what I wish upon her - over the past few years she's shown she can dig her own grave quite nicely. Guess no one ever taught her the best revenge you can get on an ex is to get hot and live an awesome life, not be miserable and text your ex who has been married for 6 months and hasn't been with you in nearly 3 years about the past. Blech.
I don't remember the previous post and am too lazy to look. But if the ex you refer to continually pops up in your life and starts shit or causes you pain or annoyance, wishing sweet revenge has nothing to do with how "over it" you are. But if you haven't seen or spoken to him in a year, and still wish it, there are underlying feelings and you are not over it.
I agree with saying that if you wish bad things would happen to your ex, you're not completely over the situation as a whole. Unfortunately I am going through the same thing. I hate to admit it, but it's true. I'm not completely over what happened between us, and I'm not even sure if I completely over him. I don't mean that like you're not over the situation or the person, as in, you still have feelings for the person. It means that you haven't moved past feeling whatever feelings you had during or at the end of the relationship (anger, sadness, confusion, love, whatever). If that makes sense...
I'm not that good at explaining things. :P
Oh yeah I'm totally over my ex - the psycho that abused me. Do I secretly hope he gets thrown in jail and butt raped? Not as much anymore but if my evil wishes came true I would probably be glad. Sorry, I'm happily married with a child but it's taking a while for me to comprehend what he did to me. I'm not ready to forgive him as I am ready to forgive myself for feeling guilty and angry toward me. If you're still angry, cool. It's ok using xanga as an outlet to vent rather than doing the deed yourself.
@lot223@xanga - Eh I only had less than a handful so. . . yeah I don't harbor ill intentions it's tiring and I feel bad. Hah.
It is normal for everybody to feel this way, because everybody is insecure about their ex. I say ALL OF US need to get over it! =P
i agree with the first argument. i just cut off ties with my ex. out of sight, out of mind.
I shall pick...the other side, that everybody feels its, but..I don't feel like anybody has hit the right reason.
First, I have to ask...even if you have "gotten over" your ex completely..does that mean you will become utterly sympathetic to them, for their pain? Probably, but even then, there is a sick part of us, in everybody...that had to chuckle, and maybe even say "Heyyy....you f-ed up this lost didn't you?".
It may not be a point of whether you have gotten over or not, its the point that someone that was your SO, has been broken up with, and you will be reminded of when you broke up. So, the feeling of them suffering, even a little satisfying, especially if they hurt you.
Hell, we laugh at people who suffer, and we may not even know them, connection or no connection needed..we are still a generation that feels profit from someone else's suffering.
I think I can relate to that. I would never want to get back with my ex. But what he did still hurts, even though I know it shouldn't after all this time. It makes me think twice about trusting people now...
@AznFier@xanga - lol man i'm not saying you harbour ill feelings 24-7. i'm just saying once you hear the name, you're hoping you have a gf before she gets a bf, hahaha. for those who've already found their next SO, obviously you don't care about the ex anymore, haha, you've already won or you can't be bothered.
Of course some times its a natural feeling of wanting your ex to suffer. . .after being together for almost 2 years he then broke my heart, he surely did suffer but nothing I did. Talk about karma. My ex-bf had an awesome job, he was the manager of Guardian Interlock where they install breathalizers into peoples vehicles that have gotten DUI(s), he had a brand new truck, seadoos, motorcycle, traveled to different places for business, had his own place. And then all of that came crashing down. . .he was at work with one of his employees and my exbfs gun (they both had a passion for) accidently went off (after business hours) and shot across the parking lot into the road and into a vehicle hitting a 11 year old girl in the leg. He was all over the news calling him a sniper, he went to jail for ONLY 3 weeks, he lost his job, is currently being sued by the girl's parents for over a million dollars, his girlfriend at the time racked up his credit cards to where he is over $15,000 in debt, they repoed his truck, motorcycle, he had to sell his seadoos. He wanted to soo badly become a State Highway Patrol officer, now everything he had and everything he wanted is now GONE. And his pasion for guns turned into not allowing to have possession of a gun again.
I completely agree with you. I dated a guy for two years and he was terrible to me at the end of the relationship and for a year afterwards. It took me two years after the break up to get over my hatred. I wished really bad things on him during that time, like "I hope you're sterile so you can never reproduce!" or "I hope you get fat and unattractive!"- things like that. I think those are completely natural reactions. Why would you want the best for somebody who only hurt you? I see it as a defense mechanism. During this period of glaring at my ex in the halls and whatnot, I was dating the guy I'm currently with. And I'm so very much in love with my significant other. I'd even say I'm more in love with him than I was with the jerk aforementioned, so it's not like you can't love somebody and be happy while you still hold ill feelings towards an ex. I obviously hated my ex, which meant I was over him. I wasn't over how he treated me though. They really are two separate things.
In a twisted way, the ex and I became friends after a year of him blaming me for the break up, and then a year of us not speaking to one another. So we're on speaking terms now, and I don't hate him. I actually kind of care about him again, but strictly in a "if something bad happened to you, I'd be worried" way. (But he did gain a lot of weight after we broke up, so I'd be lying if I said I don't still get pure satisfaction outta that one!
Depending on what they put you through, I think you have every right to feel the way you do. You're not hurting anyone with your thoughts, so it's completely harmless. Sometimes you need an outlet like an imagination to release tension. I disagree with those who say "you're not really over him because you harbor ill thoughts" You can't help that your memories will remain with you forever of all his wrongdoings and harm against you. The best way to get some peace with your thoughts however is to become more than he ever thought you could be... and at the same time, treat him civil. I believe this passive aggressiveness will serve you best. The moment he realizes his loss and/or your momentum since his absence, he'll feel inadequate for a moment... and that's when you can safely savor your revenge, no harm done.