Monday, 26 October 2009

• Friendship Always Benefits; Love Sometimes Injures

  You look at me but you're not quite sure. Am I it or could you get more? 

  "Human relationships are frequently complicated, so to find a waterfall in the desert is wonderful and something that, if it goes well, you will remember with great fondness. You can have an immensely satisfying sexual relationship and friendship, with lots of affection, good sex and a laugh. "
  

  

  Friends-with-benefits relationships can be comfortable, convenient, and of course fun.  They are an antecdote for those who don't have time to commit or just simply are enjoying their freedom.  It offers a way for both men and women to keep their own freedom and have a go-to person when things get lonely.  You may just want to canoodle with someone that you know already. The no-strings-attached has its perks.  There must be a balance between intimacy and emotional detachment; this is where a lot of confusion can occur.  It takes a really strong (mentally & emotionally) person to be in a FWB relationship and not come out damaged or with burdensome baggage.
  
  Pros of FWB:
  
  *SEX -- No Strings Attached.

  *Emotional Attachment Causes Drama and Commitment, But Not Here.

  *With Friends There Is A Level of Comfort, Acceptance & Understanding. The Immense Pressure To Impress Is Off And Unecessary.

  *You Keep Your Freedom, No Suffocation. You can figure out your own shit essentially find yourself.

  *If you know the person well you're more comfortable talking about things such as sexual history and current health status.  This is beneficial when compared to one night stands.

  Pitfalls of FWB

  *Emotional Rollercoaster

  *Humans Are Designed To Connect On Many Levels

  *It Can Get Complicated Quickly

  *What Others Think Of It--Will Some People Have A Problem With It? Will You Be Inadverdently Affecting Another Relationship?

  *That Type Of Intimacy Changes Things Indeniably

  *STD's And Other Nasty Things.  You Don't Know Who Or How Many FWBs They Are/Have Been In.

  *Emotions Can Come Into Play

  
  

  "Rules" of the Road:

  The rules of being friends with benefits must be mutually agreeable, because if one of you isn’t getting what you want, the relationship is worthless. The key is communication! If one of you starts to have feelings for the other -- well you can deal with that when and if the time comes, but remember there are many things to consider when approaching a potential friend for benefits...

  Both parties must be either single or in open relationships.

  Exes you are currently friends with make ideal booty call partners.

  Just because the sex is casual doesn't make it an appropriate topic for casual conversation. Be discreet.

  Don't assume that duration implies relationship progression.

  If you feel yourself getting emotionally invested, don't convince yourself that the other person  feeling the same way.

  As you notice those feelings rising without reciprocation, end things.

  Don't use someone who has feelings for you as your casual hook-up. Imagine what it would be like in their shoes.

  Even if you're not sleeping with anyone else, get STI tests frequently.  You don't know who they are hooking up with.

  Treat them like an equal, not like a piece of meat.

  You still have to impress and respect but in different ways and on a whole, a lot less than in a traditional relationship.

  It isn't a cheap commodity.  Enjoy and cherish it, it's a supremely excellent situation that you should attempt to continue...as long as it's appropriate.

  You are not in an exclusive relationship, so feel free to look around and know that they are probably going to do the same.

  Jealousy will rear its ugly head at times; But remember you are not committed it is just for fun.

  
  

  Some questions to ask yourself:

  ♦ Are you being honest with each other?

  ♦ Do you actually communicate your feelings?

  ♦ Do you talk about boundaries, limits, expectations?

  ♦ If it is just for sex and nothing else...are both aware of this?

  ♦ Are you prepared for the "What Are We?" chat. Men hate it, women hate initiating it.

  ♦ Would you be comfortable telling the other person your feelings if you started to fall for them

  

   

  The Science & Statistics:

  (Taken From Various Websites)

  ~ You need to be aware of this chemical called "oxytocin" that makes a woman emotionally bond with a man she is having sex with no matter what she does. Known as the "cuddle hormone," oxytocin causes you to bond with your sex partner. Keep in mind that oxytocin receptors are found not just in the brain but in the reproductive system, too. Oxytocin can also be found in breast milk, which explains the bond established between the mother and the baby. Think about this hormone when you are considering entering into a friends with benefits type of a relationship. Ask yourself: Can I really fight the oxytocin and not get attached to this casual sex buddy?

  ~ In a preliminary study, the hormone oxytocin was shown to be associated with the ability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships and healthy psychological boundaries with other people. The study builds upon previous knowledge of the important role oxytocin plays in the reproductive life of mammals. The hormone facilitates nest building and pup retrieval in rats, acceptance of offspring in sheep, and the formation of adult pair-bonds in prairie voles. In humans, oxytocin stimulates milk ejection during lactation, uterine contraction during birth, and is released during sexual orgasm in both men and women.
  
  ~ The biggest reported disadvantage of this recreational sex was the possibility that feelings would develop (65.3 percent). Other worries included "harm friendship" (28.2 percent) and "cause negative emotions" (27.4 percent). Concern over pregnancy and STDs, listed as "negative consequences of sex," came in at only 9.7 percent.
  A recent study found that 60 percent of college students have been in a "friends with benefits" relationship, but that the possibility for romantic feelings — and a lack of communication — can complicate such an arrangement.

  ~ As men's role in sexual selection is to spread their genes as much as possible, it would make sense that if access to multiple partners is possible, many men will take full advantage of this. The human brain can easily be de-sensitized and can become accustomed to many tasks with less emotional presence and more of a sense of normality when tasks are performed on a fairly consistent basis. Most experiences are far more emotional the first few times we experience them; generally this is true for relationships and sex as well.

  ~ One interesting stigma can be seen as arising from these natural phenomenon. Men that have multiple sexual partners have access to many females, these men also tend to be high-status males; overall, they will be the general portion of the male population that will maintain emotion-less relationships. This constant feedback loop can explain why women are often attracted to men that are considered to be 'womanizers' - since the vast majority of womanizers tend to be high status males.

  

  1. Males. Over sixty percent of the men (63.7%) compared to slightly over half (50.2%) of the women reported experience in a friends with benefits relationship. While not statistically significant, McGinty et al. (2007) also found men more likely participants and concluded that, “men focus on the benefits, women on the friends” aspect of the friends with benefits relationship. Previous research comparing men and women has emphasized that men think more about sex, report a higher number of sexual partners, and engage in more frequent sexual encounters than women (Michael et al., 1994).

  2. Hedonist. Undergraduates selecting hedonism (82.2%) as their primary sexual value were significantly more likely to be involved in a friends with benefits relationship than those selecting relativism (52.3%) or absolutism (20.8%). Unlike relativists who prefer sex in the context of a love relationship and absolutists who won’t have sex outside of a marriage relationship, hedonists are focused on sexual pleasure, not the relationship with the person.

  3. Sex without love. It comes as no surprise that participants in a FWBR were adept at having sex independent of love. Indeed, over 80 percent of participants in a FWBR reported that they had had sex without love, compared to 13.4% of non participants who preferred sex in the context of a love relationship. This difference was statistically significant.

  4. Nonromantic/realist. In contrast to romantics who believed that there is only one true love/love comes only once, nonromantics (also known as realists) viewed this belief as nonsense. Analysis of the data revealed that undergraduate realists who believed that there were any number of people with whom they could fall in love (57.9%) were significantly more likely to be a participant in a friends with benefits relationship than were undergraduate romantics who believed in one true love (44.7%). In effect, nonromantics believe that they would have many opportunities to meet/fall in love and that a friends with benefits relationship would not cancel out their chance of doing so. Hughes et al. (2005) also found that persons involved in a friends with benefits relationship had a pragmatic view of love.

  5. Question deep love’s power. Participants were less likely than nonparticipants to believe that deep love can help a couple get through any difficulty. Slightly over half (52.7%) of participants in a FWBR reported they did not believe in the power of deep love compared to over 60% (62.3 %) of nonparticipants who did believe in such power. We interpret this finding as another example of participants being nonromantic realists who were not focused on romantic love in their relationships.

  6. Jealousy. Undergraduates identifying themselves as a jealous person (58.8%) were significantly more likely to be involved in a friends with benefits relationship than those who did not view themselves as jealous (51.1%). We are not sure how to interpret this data as we would assume just the opposite. Nevertheless, the data show that participants are more jealous. Perhaps those having sex with a friend wonder how many other sexual partners their “friend” has and want to feel that they are “special” and “unique.”

  9. Higher class rank/age. The more advanced the undergraduate in class rank, the more likely the undergraduate reported involvement in a friends with benefits relationship: freshmen = 45.4%, sophomore = 55.1%, junior = 55.2% and senior = 62%. As might be expected, the older the student, the more likely the FWBR involvement with those 20 and older being more likely. We suspect that age increases one’s opportunity for a FWRB experience and that older undergraduates given the opportunity for a FWFR are more likely to cash in.

   

  Pro: Your inhibitions go out the window.

  Con: Your ability to tell if someone is really attractive goes out the window.

  Pro: It feels (so) good

  Con: The motion of the ocean might make you hurl

  Pro: You try a bunch of crazy sh*t

  Con: You try (and fail at) a bunch of crazy sh*t.

  Pro: You get to meet someone new

  Con: He drank so much he really can’t do much and definitely can’t do much for you.

  Pro: If he’s ugly/gross, you can blame the alcohol

  Con: If he’s ugly/gross, you will probably still remember it

  Pro: It’s really effing fun

  Con: Two drunk people attempting to put certain things in certain places gets messy and ugly. You end up just flopping things around and hoping for the best. Which is not fun or pretty.

  Pro: Weird body sounds (ahem, queefs) aren’t quite as embarrassing

  Con: Drunk guys make a lot of weird body sounds (snoring, farting) when they sleep

  Pro: All that time and money spent on hair/makeup/hot outfit/making the boobs look good was so. totally. worth it.

  Con: Having to walk home in a pair of stilettos and your bra stuffed into your going-out bag.

  Pro: You are too drunk to notice the mold growing on his walls

  Con: You are too drunk to notice if he put on the condom….

  The world will be a better place when people stop taking pills and drinking and starting smoking a little pot to improve their health, mind, spirituality, SEX LIFE, social life, and to relieve STRESS and relax in an age of modernity where no one gets to relax and enjoy the moment or what it is..our society is all about FASTNESS

  Marijuana and sex are gifts of nature. We enjoy them because biology and evolution have equipped us to do so. Just as our bodies contain pleasure systems which reward us for sex; our brains contain neurocellular circuitry which can only be activated by substances with THC's molecular structure. This makes the marijuana high a unique constellation of feelings, and there are only two sources for the substances which activate THC's very own neuroreceptor. Our brain is one source: it generates a neurochemical very similar to THC, called anandamide.
  Translated, the word means bliss. The only other source for this bliss-producing substance is the cannabis plant.

  Being stoned or sexually aroused both produce similar physiological responses, such as increased heart rate, heightened sensitivity, changes in blood flow and respiration, relaxation ? an acutely altered state of consciousness. Neurochemistry, hormonal systems, and brain regions such as the temporal lobe are affected by both marijuana and sexual arousal.

  Sex and pot provide us with euphoric peak experiences, unity of body and mind, a healing escape from routine existence. If other people are involved with us in sexual activity or marijuana use, such experiences can be especially intimate and revelatory, facilitating trusting, loving relationships.

  Marijuana has been used as an aphrodisiac for thousands of years, yet ironically it has also been used to decrease sexual desire. Ancient sacred texts reveal how to use marijuana to increase sexual pleasure, but modern research teaches an equally important lesson: marijuana's effects are determined by the personality, physiology, intention, environment, and culture of the user.

  
  

  I'm still working on coming up with more of my own thoughts on this subject.  I will be writing about how I personally feel about this stuff soon. I just need to think it all through for a while...I'm all for unconvential relationships but I'm not too sure about friends-with-benefits.  My mind is a crazy tangled mess and I'm working on figuring it all out.

  Your thoughts on the subject?
  

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