Saturday, 24 October 2009
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What's Ahead of Us?
I want to get something off my chest. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 yrs. We are each other’s first love and were both not the type of people that feels the need to date around in order to “see what else is out there”. Were both now in our junior year of college and we’ve been dating since sophomore of highschool. Our relationship almost seem like a really long engagement heading to marriage. Although I do want to get married to him there are just issues I question from time to time. I understand that people would say that if I have to question myself about getting married then maybe it really isn’t meant to be. I think it’s just being smart before I dive in to a long term commitment.
It seems that my boyfriend really wants to get married eventually and we got to the point in our life that the things we do now is for our future together. I’ve always told him that before he decides to he should really consider if it’s something he really wants. I just don’t want him to have to regret a decision he made without thinking it through. In my part, it’s not that I feel like I don’t deserve him or I have this low self esteem, it’s more of me just wanting the best for him. I don’t want him to see marriage as always smooth sailing like in fantasy movies. I want him to see marriage for what it really is. It has its ups and downs, it will more likely have those days when everything feels like routine and yes eventually you’re going to make a life for someone else ( meaning kids).
There was a point in our relationship a few years ago when he started thinking about how he was too young and wasn’t ready for a lifetime commitment (he says he’s changed now). He wanted to focus on his career and his passion for film. He started to tell me his feelings about his parents’ marriage. Although his mom has nothing against me, she advised him to really think about choosing a compatible partner. His mom has been married since she was 18 and although she loves his father so much there are times she wishes that they shared the same passion and interest together.
I've started noticing the same thing with us. His passion is for art, music, and film. My passion is nursing and learning. Yesterday I had this discovery while I was reading my textbook and it made me really happy but sad at the same time because I couldn’t share this with him. He wouldn’t be the person who I could have this conversation and excitement with. He wouldn’t be the person to understand it because he would need a little background in science to understand what the hell I'm talking about. I wouldn’t be the person who he could have the same excitement for film as him because I know nothing about film and I was never exposed to it during my childhood. I've been trying to interest myself with the things he like but it’s never going to be complete and natural. There’s always going to be something lacking.
My questions are
· Is love enough to last a married couple forever without sharing the same passion and interest in life?
· Before I get myself in too deep with my relationship with him (5 years is already a long time) is our relationship really heading somewhere or are we going to discover a few years into the future that it’s a dead end?
· How should I talk to him about my feelings without coming off as looking like I don’t want marriage?
· Please share your similar experiences and give me advice.
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About the Author
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- From: wachamakulit@xanga
- About Me: Things change as you grow up. Priorities change, goals change, dreams change, and sometimes you find urself completely lost in the middle of everything after having thought you got it all figured out. It may seem now that you'll never get out of that rut or it may seem like you'll never find ur old self back again; Ur headstrong personality, the driven one, the dreamer, the fighter, the full spirited and carefree one. All of these hopefully had just been covered by time and will resurface eventually. Its time for me to discover myself again bc as of now Im not sure who I really am anymore. Im not sure who I should hold onto or let go or care for. Maybe this is the time that I need to care for myself and rediscover everything again. I dont want to be lost anymore.
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Comments (7)
You change a lot from sophomore in high school to junior in college. And if you're in a relationship, the truth is that you may not change in the same ways, and there's nothing wrong with cutting your losses and moving on if that's the case.
I don't believe that love is all you need for a healthy marriage. I've been with my husband since I was 15 and he was 18. We're now 21 and 24 and have been married for three years. We've both changed a lot since then. We don't like the same things we used to, and quite honestly, we don't have as much in common as we used to. We don't have the same "passions" like we did. There are still some overlaps, but things are definitely different. However, while I don't think you can get by on nothing but love, I do think you can get by just fine if you don't have every passion in common. It's okay to love different things. And it's okay for you to have, say, nursing friends to discuss your excitement with. It's not taking away from your husband.
My passion is baking. I love it, and I have a small business doing it. My husband could probably bake a cake if he HAD to, but he isn't interested in it. But because he loves me, he lets me ramble on about it. If I want to talk to someone about it who has more knowledge, I talk to a baking friend. It works fine.
We've also developed new interests together. Recently we've both been very into bowling.
You're going to grow and change all of your life, but the changes that occur before age 25 are the most severe. If you're with someone, growing in the same way is important. You don't have to have everything in common, but I don't think a marriage can work without common ground. Do you and your boyfriend have ANYTHING in common? Is there some passion you both share? If not, do you think there's one you could create?
You can never really know if your relationship is heading somewhere until you get there. If you feel like you have hit a dead end, end it. But if you think that you can keep going, go for it. Don't think about how long you've put in or how long you could "waste" your time. As long as you are learning and growing, nothing is a waste of time.
As far as talking to him...maybe just show him this entry?
there's nothing wrong with having different interests. my SO is going to medical school, and im thinking of doing journalism or going into law. i don't know jack about med school and science, but i always listen when he talks to me about what he learned in class, etc. i think it makes the relationship more interesting. you DEFINITELY don't have to know everything about their life and work to make your love last, but you have to try and want to know. showing that you want to know about their day, their frustrations, their work, even when you don't completely understand, goes to show that you care about them - and they'll know that. you might even learn something new in the process.
Wow, girl, I feel like you just wrote what I have been feeling. Or actually, what I wish was so simple for me to figure out. I've been with my guy for 2 years, and we're both sophomores in college right now. I love him dearly, but I know that I cannot marry him since he is of a different faith than me. I keep/kept thinking that we would work out, because if we loved each other, we could make it. But, since because I want what's best for him, I know it won't work. He's Catholic, and he needs to raise his children that way. And I can't raise my children that way, so we're doomed for splitsville. I just haven't had the heart to end it yet. I will have to sometime soon.
-Anyway, back to your question.
1) Is love enough to last a married couple forever without sharing the same passion and interest in life? Love is not enough on its own, but it is definitely necessary for a marriage to work. You both have to be compatible in various ways, which I'm sure you are already aware of. In your case, I don't see why having your own seperate interests is a bad thing, if anything it can be a good thing. It is important that you do share the same vision for your life together, and that he supports your goals, and that you support his. But love on it's own is not enough. I love my boyfriend, but I know we wouldn't have a hard time making it.
2) Before I get myself in too deep with my relationship with him (5 years is already a long time) is our relationship really heading somewhere or are we going to discover a few years into the future that it’s a dead end? This is what happened to me, I discovered that my relationship is a dead end, but I don't see why yours has to be. Unless you have fundamental differing morals that will pull you apart, or if you are just bored with each other, then I might say that it is a dead end. But if you're just worried that you'll run out of things in common..well what drew you to each other in the first place? Think about those things...
Best of luck to you! And remember that we're both still young! Often our first loves are not the only loves that we will have in life. But sometimes, we think that they will last forever, but they usually don't. =( Just my bit of cynicism, (sp.) forgive me. I will say some prayers for you.
after five years, you shouldn't have problems sharing things with your SO. i mean you guys should be able to share in each other's interests.
Though this may sound ironic since you two have been together for 5 years, I think it is much too soon for either of you to be thinking about marriage. You have your entire life to get married and have kids, so why tie the knot now? If you feel secure in your relationship, then you have all the time in the world before making the commitment.
I can see why you're concerned about your different interests; however, I see it as being more positive than negative. My ex-boyfriend and I were almost identical - we had the same interests and even acted/behaved similarly. You'd think we'd be the perfect match, right? No. We were SO similar that both of us eventually got bored of each other and broke up. On the other hand, my current boyfriend and I could not be any different. I could make a huge list, but I suppose I'll stick to saying he's an Environmental Studies major while I'm studying Biochemistry. Surprisingly enough, I love hearing what he has to say about what he learned in class... I find it fresh and fascinating and, most especially, so... UN-biochemical. :P And I'd hope he thinks the things I tell him about chemical reactions and organic compounds are interesting too - but he could probably be faking it. Haha oh well, at least he listens! Alas, everyone has their preferences. But I think you two should be fine since you have been managing your differences pretty well from the looks of it! :]
I'm probably about your age since I'm also in my third year of college, and I've been with my boyfriend for more than a year and a half now. Though I love him, marriage is FAR from my mind. It's not that I don't see a future with him because I do - to some extent. It's just that I want to be independent first, gain experiences and learn from them, before making any lifelong commitments. I want to live my life on my own before sharing it with someone else. This may sound selfish, but I would rather hold off marriage and explore the world now (and I do NOT mean dating and/or sleeping with random guys...) rather than marry early and never get the chance to do so. Like I said, we have our entire lives to settle... so what's the rush?
Hope this gave you some insight! And best of luck to you and your boyfriend! :]
You should have realized his interests within the first 6 months. Shame on you.
After 5 years, you shouldnt be asking yourself these questions. If you feel the need to, talk to him. That's my advice.
exact situation that i am in.
except the problem right now, is univeristy and future goals in life.
i mean, we have just so different goals, its hard to keep it up or work out between us
but how i feel may also answer your question.
I believe, if you try, anything is possible. It may not be perfect, like the lack of understanding and liking, my boyfriend is COMPLETE opposite. We lack in everything, but we love each other. I mean sure it's not bad if we moved on but then again I know if we try it will work out despite it not being perfect.
I'm letting life take its course, either way whatever the outcome is, im sure ill be happy because well..? life is all about decisions and hopefully little regret. I know that I will jut treasure every moment I have with him now, and if it doesn't work out.. life goes on, we loved.. we fought.. we cared.. if it ends, I have no more regret.