Thursday, 22 October 2009
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Whatever Happened, Happened
I'm guilty of constantly thinking about the "WHAT IF" questions when it comes to dating, or possibly dating someone. What if I had done this instead of that? What if I said those words in a different manner? At times, the questions get as ridiculous as what if I had worn the skinny jeans instead of the bootleg ones? I never understood what I did wrong to have changed the guy's mind, since it seemed like the connection was starting to blossom. He seemed so interested, and paid such close attention to what I did. Oh how he played those mind games. Maybe he didn't like the way I said something, or maybe he just thought of me as his entertainment. I always questioned myself, and I even thought that I was just never good enough for the guy. My friends have seen me go through the same phase time and time again. They tell me the same thing: it's not you, it's him.
Every time I heard that, I just got mad. It didn't make any sense. How could it be him? He was perfect, funny, remembered little details, and definitely not corny. Impossible. It had to be me, and no one else but me. I had to have done something to push him away or just ruin my chances.
Now that some time has passed, I understand what my friends mean. They were right, and they weren't just giving me the same cliches. I just wasn't listening well enough.
Whatever his reasons for even giving me those little moments of attentions were his reasons alone. I couldn't have done anything that would have made him think differently about me, and that's just something I'm starting to accept. I shouldn't consider changing myself just so some guy can like me. He did what he did, and I had and still have no power over that.
This seems so obvious to a good number of people, but I didn't understand it until now. I had feelings for a guy, and he didn't have them back. I finally accepted that and have moved on. Just thought I had to share that bit to make me feel a tad better about myself. =]
Does anyone else feel the way I felt?
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About the Author
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- From: mellamanjulieta
- Name: Juliet
- About Me: Me llaman Julieta.
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Comments (28)
something was probably just missing from your relationship. sometimes, its never anyones fault, but relatoinships don't work out for a reason.
Yes and No because you're who you're, no matter what you could change. Because chances are you wouldn't change such a petty thing like that. If he doesn't like you for who you're then what does the what if's do for you?
That's probably one of the most difficult things to do, is to learn how to accept why things don't happen or maybe why they do happen. I asked myself the "what if" questions a lot too and it got so ridiculous! I totally feel you on this one!
You have to be doing something wrong. It can't just be the guys' fault. You, as a person, can change for the better if you want to and therefore help your relationship bloom.
I hate what if's. I especially hate them because I keep what if my last relationship. :(
yeahhh, i felt like that before. It's never too complex. The facts were always simple. She just didn't feel the same. No point in trying to figure out the exact thing that triggered that but eh. In retrospect, I'm kinda glad she didn't explain much to me because it gave me the chance to hate her which gave me the chance to want to move on for myself instead of her telling me the truth and me trying to understand her and forgive her.
I think we all second guess ourselves from time to time. It can be a good thing if you use it wisely allowing yourself to learn from your mistakes and improve on your weaknesses, but it can also be bad if you end up trying to be something you are not. Just be yourself and the rest will take care of itself.
yes I wonder it all the time. What if this and what if that and no matter how many times I try to convince myself that it is his loss, I know my heart doesn't believe it. I will never understand why he told me he loved me and why we had our little moments together if he would just leave over something so petty, something so stupid. If he only talked it out with me, I think things would have turned out differently. I have since moved on from everything, but recently he decided to contact me again and I can't help thinking maybe he is up some nights wondering too. But like you said whatever happened, happened. It is in the past and there is no going back... I just hope I am not walking away from The One.
Congrats for moving on (:
Totally get you. Sometimes I wonder now, but it's too hard living in the past. It's more freeing to live and move on.
Sounds to me like you're well on the path to maturity and knowing what's best for yourself. There's nothing wrong with you - the guy you had your eye on was just not for you. Even though rejection hurts, the silver lining is that you won't have to go through months or maybe years of not knowing... trying to make a relationship work that wasn't meant to be... and end up hurting infinitely more than if it had just been nipped "in the bud" (so to speak). Good luck on finding the guy who loves you for being you - and no, I don't mean that as a cliche. ;)
@diane_iris@xanga - Agreed. The more I dwell on the past, the harder it is to move forward.
Sometimes things happen for a reason. I felt the same way about my last relationship. I constantly wondered what was wrong with me to make him think that's alright to be mean to me. Okay, initially I broke up with him because he stood me up twice & didn't attempt to apologize the 2nd time around at all, but then I realized what we had going in the past and tried to mend it. Unfortunately, he wasn't a believer in forgiveness and trying to work through problems. It sucked that it happened and probably could have been prevented had he just told me he wouldn't be able to make it on either day, but then again it's for the better... I deserve to be in a healthy, fufilling relationship and shouldn't settle with someone who doesn't respect and love me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that karma has a way of figuring things out. If it was meant to be, then destiny will guide through through a positive path and if not, then just be lucky you didn't end up married/then divorced or pregnant with the guy's kid.
It's not that you're not good enough, it's that YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR HIM! Immature guys prefer girls who play games & treat good girls like trash, not the good guys. Don't change yourself and just allow karma to attract you a gentleman more worthy of your time and attention.
I'm in the "what if, what happened" stage myself right now. The bottom line is that I know that I acted honestly at all times...and so did he. So no matter how painful this loss is, it's the result of who each of us are. I didn't misrepresent myself and neither did he. And though I scroll through my mind, trying to figure out what it was I did or said that caused him to back away...even if I knew...I probably would still do or say it, because it's who I am.
I guess that deep down inside, I'm not really an 'any relationship can work if you are both willing to work hard enough' person. I don't want to have to work hard at my relationships all the time. I want them to be natural and fun and easy...doesn't' mean I back away at the first rocky road, but if we never seem to understand each other, always miscommunicate, etc...then what's the point, we are simply incompatible.
But this last one...we were really compatible, and really honest...so I'm really stymied. Maybe it was a lot of work for him, and I just didn't realize it. Loving him, for me, was easy...though life circumstances made getting together very difficult, the loving part, was so so easy.
It took me awhile to realize this as well but the outcome has only made me more determined to find a guy who won't make me what if about the relationship. I finally found him and so will you. Don't give up!
mm..i kno this situation all too well. Sometimes ill replay an exact scene and be like 'Well maybe if I would have called him an hour earlier things would be different!" "Maybe if I would have just..blah blah blah..he might still be talking to me". Its whatever honestly, those almost lovers seem to come and go alot more then they should. As long as I have a little bit of closure & am able to reason why it would have never worked then ill be iight (sometimes i find myself saying that I dont care why it wont work, I just want them but you cant alwasy have what you want)
@shoujo@xanga - I dont think anyone could have said it better, thumbs up to you!
Self evaluation/growth = maturity
Mhmm.
According the Myers Briggs test, I'm an INFP, and one of my traits is to make something out to be more than or not- what they really are.
I understand. hahaha
Yep, rejection sucks.
that's happened to me before. i guess we live and we learn that not everyone is perfect and we just have to move on and realize that impurities and accept them. it's part of the growing up process.
thanks so much for writing this, it's exactly what i'm going through :)
everyone has felt the same way before
still going through it...although not as severe...still though, those memories and thoughts remain...they're like a frigging ghost splinter in your MIND...and all you want to do is tell them to FUCK OFF!
Oh man, I definitely had the "What If" syndrome after my last breakup. Even though I know it's not healthy to dwell in the past, it is hard not to do so right after a major event. However, things did cool down over time. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.
@driftingpebble@xanga - "Loving him, for me, was easy...though life circumstances made getting together very difficult, the loving part, was so so easy."
well said.
Aw I totally understand what you mean and feel. I've been going through my what if stage this past month and even though there were countless of people and friends comforting me, I knew deep down it still didn't make sense to me, no matter how much my brain reasons and told me to get over, he wasn't the one and to let it go, I couldn't fight the burning feeling in my heart. There were moments, memories and things he said to me and it didn't make sense to just end the way we did. But this past week, I realize and remember my old favorite saying "what's meant to be will always find a way." and I know even though its inevitable to think about the what ifs, what went wrong, and what we could of been, in the end I realized that he just wasn't the guy for me and it just wasn't meant to be. Its better to know now then later right? :PP I wish you luck and be strong! You will find the right guy. :)