Tuesday, 20 October 2009
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Study First, Sex Later
My husband and I have been married for over 3 years now. We have a 3 year old daughter together and life is great. He's finishing up his last year of college and once he graduates, he'll start working as a radiologist technician, that's if and when he passes the state exam of course. We're very busy people and our lives become more hectic because of our daughter. We never seem to find quality time for each other and now since my daughter is 3, it seems as though she's at that phase where she demands all of our attention. It can be a little overwhelming at times. Though I would not want it any other way, there something that seems to bother me and it's been bothering me for about a year now.
Our sex life seems to be nonexistent. When I mean nonexistent, I mean we only interact intimately once a month. I know, it's kind of hard to imagine this when you're going to bed with this person every night. But it's true. Perhaps, sex does not seem to run across his brain as much especially when he just finished studying for a big exam or worrying about how he did on his test last week. As much as I want to, I can't blame him. I understand he's going through a lot of stress, especially with this being his last year of college. But it's putting a strain our sex life and it's becoming a big issue in our marriage.
Before we had our daughter, our sex life was awesome. I won't go into full on details but we were intimate at least 10 or 12 times out of the week and it was exciting every time. When I had my daughter, I thought our sex life would drastically change and that he might not look at me the same way anymore, but in fact, he was just as great. This all started when he got accepted into the radiology program and all his focus began to aim towards his studies and making sure he exceeded in his class. And he did. He's really intelligent. During that time, our sex life decreased a bit. We only had sex maybe 3 or 4 times a week, which was fine and I never complained. However, now, it's getting a little out of hand.
I know he's busy with his studies and shoot I'm busy pursuing a career for myself as well, and though I don't believe sex is the main foundation to a great marriage, I do need it from time to time. Well, at least more than once a month. Another contributing factor is our daughter who seems to be clinging to us more than usual. She's been wanting to sleep with us for the past couple of months now and since we don't engage in any sexual activity in front of her, well you what happens...absolutely nothing.
I'm not a complainer and I don't want to start complaining...especially about sex. I've tried talking to him about this before and he apologizes for not being able to fulfill my needs and then that's when the guilt starts to kick in because I don't even know why he's apologizing. It truly is not his fault. When you have sex, you need to be in the mood and you can't be in the mood if you're thinking about 20 million other things and then your daughter is jumping up and down the bed, screaming, "I want to watch cartoons!" It just can't happen like that. To be perfectly honest, it would be little awkward.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation similar to that of mine? What would you do to help spice up the sex life?
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- From: nancynn89
- Name: nancynn89
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Comments (46)
Send her to a daycare center! hahaha XD
He was trying to hold you over with the 10-12 times a week...
Send her over to the grandparents house!!
I haven't found myself in a situation like yours, so I can't give advice with certainty that it will work.
It seems that he's going through a pretty difficult time in school and he's using all of his energy to do well. As you said, that's probably the main reason why nothing's happened.
Have you tried seducing him when you want sex? Being flirtatious and trying to start something? I'd think that would be a great way to get things started even if he's not the one to make the first move.
If you have already tried that and it's not happening, then I would try to be patient until he finishes with his schooling and see if it gets better. However, I'd still try to talk about the situation in a way that he doesn't apologize for not fulfilling your needs. Get it to be a conversation and get his reasoning as to why the sex has gone downhill.
Tell your husband that sex actually de-stresses and helps him relax. Having an orgasm relieves a lot of tension and stress so it could help him sleep before any big tests.
Have a date night every week, even if it is just for a few hours. Get a consistent baby sitter and make it a time for just you - no matter how busy you are with other things, a few hours every week shouldn't set either of you back too far in terms of work.
Look, at least you're having sex once a month. Let him finish the radiology program. Once he's done and gets a job, there will be plenty of time. I know it seems like this is going to be forever but time flies by. Look, you made it this far... Maybe you can invest is toys and have a little you-on-you time, re-discover what you like, then once the sex kicks up again, you can give him the surprise of his life ;)
Most of the stuff I was about to say is mention so I wont repeat but...
seriously, just let him finish the program and see how it goes, if not.. your fingers could help you for a while
It could very well be related to stress. Right now, I imagine he is under a lot of pressure because he wants to do good by you and your daughter. It's important for him because he's not doing the school thing just for himself. The well-being of his whole family is surely on his mind, leaving little room for anything else.
If you want it badly enough, take the plunge and initiate sex a lot more often. Also, as much as you love your daughter, don't always let her have her way. Make her sleep in her own room once in a while. Perhaps your husband might even feel a little bit guilty for wanting to have sex if your daughter is too much in the foreground, you know what I mean?
@EnjoyEdii@xanga - What she said. If you're still having the same problem when he finishes school then you have a cause for worry, as it is now...I know it sucks but just hang in there 'til he's done.
just go over to him and give him a blow job while he is studying. See if he resists that.
you seriously need a date with him and not have your daughter around. i know you love her but you need to spend time alone with your husband too. get a babysitter, ask your parents or in-laws to watch her for the night or even a weekend and do something romantic. i know it' s easier said than done but you can at least try.
do it at odd times of the day when your daughter is napping or something.
in my opinion, have sex while your daughter is in the bedroom!
just say you were preventing cancer / giving a massage
Well... my fiancé and I haven't had sex for about 10 months straight. The main reason is due to my pregnancy (I'm due next month), but even when I was just 3 or 4 months prego, we didn't have sexual intimacy. We weren't fighting, we were never too busy, nor do we have the child yet. And I'm figuring that after our son is born, the next 2 months are going to be sexless as well because of breast feeding and caring for him. XD I know David isn't having an affair, but I still wonder how he's managed to stay patient with the situation
naw ><
i dont know what I'd do O_O
x
Wow i was in this man's shoes at one time in my life. we were freshley graduated just starting out. I was working one full time job with overtime and nights at a part time job. Sex going into the relationship was like twice a day, 5 days a week, with the exception of one full week out of the month.
I was exhausted, and it dropped to a few times a week. she was upset, so i reassured her how i was just tired and how i was helping build us a better life. She understood and the sex got even more intense!
@Pcgecko85@xanga - This may not be such a bad idea.
If I were in your situation, I would just find him alone at an opportune time--and jump him!
While he's in the shower, sneak in with him. Or find him while he's studying and close the door for a minute.
Just do anything you can to start a little spark and show him that your vagina still exists.
well, I understand your situation. You want sex. Its only human. Its fun and satisfying and you want that intimacy with your partner again..but then again...
I think you reallllyyy need to sit down and re think your husbands situation right now. he is really really REALLY stressed. college...is ridiculous already but his LAST yr that is the worst. And then to top it off he has to worry about satisfying your sexual needs or lack thereof and taking care of your daughter. thats a lot....
He is so concentrated on school because this is a career he is trying to attain. You have to remember that he loves the both of you very much and he still very much desires you but his drive to succeed and do well is his priority right now. work hard now. get there. so he can start making money to provide for the family financially and then you can re start your amazing sex life.
sacrafice a little. you dont think he doesnt miss the sex??...he def. does but hes sacraficing for the possibility of a better future and financial stability.
you can go without sex for a little more....
my advice go buy a vibrator.
@helpingkill@xanga - exactly.
some women just need to look at the larger picture. and learn the word sacrafice.
you have the rest of your life for your sex life. you're committed to this man, don't worry.
@sexncookies@xanga - Couldnt agree more with this responce. =3
when I was still at tender young age, I shared the bed with my parents and one time they were having sex while I was on the bed! I remember staying really still pretending to asleep while trying to avoid touching them as much as possible (it was a twin size bed for crying aloud!) and I was hoping they would just kick me off the bed and be done with...don't do this to your daughter!
I've sort of been on the other side of the situation.
My girlfriend and I had been living together for several months when I went through some serious depression bouts. My ex girlfriend/one of my best friends passed away from a drug overdose, my father was sick (dying, actually, until he got a kidney transplant finally), my older sister was involved in a very odd situation that was publicly broadcasted in the area I lived in (she also lost her job as a teacher, her house, her car, and spent some time in the hosptial), and it was my last semester in high school right before college. Needless to say, sex wasn't really one of my priorities, but she didn't seem to understand it. She thought I didn't want it anymore, and she thought it was because of her. We eventually ended up breaking up, partially because of problems that stemmed from this. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN! Don't let something he can't help turn into serious problems for your marriage. It will most likely pass when he is less stressed out.
While everyone else has seemingly mentioned this, let me reiterate that you should look into some sort of sex toy(s).
I'm not sure if my advice would help, but give him hints and initiate sex yourself then. Me being a man, I would be turned on if my significant other would try to initiate sex with me. But yes, like you said, you understand his situation and things may seem like out of hand but it's not. He's taking a big step into fatherhood and also he has studies to worry about. But also, don't let the urge of wanting sex ruin your relationship that you currently hold with your husband. I have to admit I'm pretty darn horny and I want sex all the time, in fact, I do get it pretty often (4-6 sessions a week), but when I get serious, tense, stressed, or have an exam I have to study / worry about, or/and tired, I just don't want to do it at all.
Or have a little deep talk with your man, initiate sex once a while and make that once a month into once a two weeks, then one a week, then slowly it may come back to maybe where it used to be, but what I'm trying to say is for you to look for an achievable goal that you think you probably can achieve. There's no point of wanting those crazy 12 sessions a week back 'cause it'll kill his time and he'll be tired and he won't be in shape to study etc, you know his life more than I do.
Good luck with your problem!
Your commitment is awesome and don't let sex life ruin it.
And don't stop thinking about sex, it's healthy after all.
This is a phase that most marriages go through.