Tuesday, 20 October 2009
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"Her Heartache is Another Woman's Pleasure"
Have you ever met a guy that you've given your whole heart too, not to mention your mind, body and soul? You've done everything to show him hey I'm independent and I can care for myself but I enjoy your company and would like your companionship. But still its never good enough. Or there is the other person on the side that has his undivided attention. I have, I've been dating a guy for about a year. Needless to say we've gotten very close and a few times I've told him I loved him yet, he remains at neutral ground and refuses to say it back. He claims that he doesn't like to say it or simply he ignores me all together. Yet however, when we argue or I tell him I don't love him anymore cause he won't say it back. He throws : "you said you'd always love me, no matter what" in my face. So he expects me to continue to tell him I love him but he refuses to say it back?!
So I keep thinking maybe one day he'll wake up and realize what a great person I am, and how much he's missing out on. I don't say this to sound conceited but I say it only to say that he refuses to commit to me. We've been "dating" for a year but he won't classify us as anything more than friends. However he expects me to hug him and kiss him and do all the other couple things with him yet he won't make that commitment to me. So why should I with him? Now, you may be thinking well that's your fault that you slept with him, and he only wants to be friends with benefits. However, that statement is completely false. In the 2 years of knowing him and the year of "dating" him I've never slept with him. Aside from his charming ways and his subtle tack-tics to try and seduce me, I stand true to myself and my commitment.
But, the question remains, why does he come around? Why does he bother to spend time with me if he won't even commit to me. So I ask him why he refuses, and his simple answer is we've talked about this, yet 'till this day I have no idea why. So maybe he's had this conversation with someone else because I know I'd recall a conversation like that. But what irritates me the most is that he gets irritated when I ask him why he won't commit. I always get the why are we talking about this? Or are we bringing this up again?
Uh, Hello, maybe cause I want to know and you keep avoiding giving me a straight answer. Now get this, he has a picture of him and a girl on his Facebook, of her kissing him. I asked him about it and his simple reply was, its old man, stop worrying. Yet his status says: Her heartache is another woman's pleasure". Now mind you, I talked to him periodically while these pictures and statuses and comments kept showing up on his Facebook, yet he didn't come around as much. No wait, He didn't come around at all.
Its almost as if he disappeared. But wait, push the breaks, 2 days ago after almost 3 months of absence he text me out the blue saying how he misses me and he wants to spend more time with me because he enjoys my company. So I say well if this were true why does he keep disappearing? I figured he had some girl on the side and because it didn't work out he wants to come back to me. Now of course I asked about it, and he denied it stating that if there was someone else he would have told me. Blah. So I said why all the sudden do you want to spend time with me, when before you had all the time in the world and didn't bother to acknowledge it nor want it for that matter. Another cryptic answer he gave: It's not that serious, I would like to spend time with you but if you don't feel like we should then I can go find someone or something else to entertain me. Oh my gosh, did he truly say that?
Now having heard him say this, I brush it off, and let it go. Yet, after that conversation I haven't heard from him again. He goes from always texting me(yea, I never ever ever talk to him on the phone its always a text) to disappearing again. I didn't tell him I didn't want to see him, or F'off like I should have, he just disappeared.
Am I crazy for wanting to be with this guy? Naive for believing him? Or a simple romantic for staying around for over a year hoping that one day he will commit to a relationship with me. Should I tell him to go F-himself and move on or what?!
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- From: BeautifullyChosen@xanga
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Comments (54)
Door Mat.
Tell him to go fuck himself. It sounds like he's just being a douche and amusing himself by toying with your feelings. You'll find someone who deserves your love and will love you back.
Well, from the way you're painting the picture, it seems obvious that you know what the "right" thing to do is. You clearly know what you deserve and want in a relationship and it's definitely not this loser that is just stringing you along so he can weigh out his options. Even though you aren't sleeping with him, you're still giving him the other perks of being in a relationship. So in the end, he's getting what he wants out of you while probably getting the physical parts of a relationship from elsewhere. I know that sucks to hear, but it's possibly...no, probably true. Speaking from personal experience, I was unofficially "with" a guy for 4 years but he would never commit because he was going back and forth between his ex and me. Of course, you want to feel like you're that one special girl he'll eventually realize he's meant to be with, but do you really want to waste more of your precious time waiting for that someday? Don't stick with this guy just to fill a void; move on and try to occupy yourself with bigger and bette things! Good luck. :)
I think you should forgive and forget. After all he hasn't treated you well and hasn't gone out of his way to accomodate you, so stop accomodating him. Don't ask questions! If he wants to hang out either be busy or be unavailable, but always polite. Forget about him, distance him from your life and just make a fresh start. He's obviously not good for you, since you've been hurt by him in this way, so just nip it in the bud.
Be glad that he 'took off' and move on. He sounds like a selfish liar.
you love him more than he loves you and I think he doesn't say that he loves you back because he doesn't love you. he knows that your feelings for him are deep, so he is taking advantage of your emotional vulnerability because he knows that even if he ignores you, you'll likely still be there waiting for him because you invested your feelings into this relationship. unfortunately, he sees you as a friend to be affectionate with when he needs some company, kind of like a girlfriend yet not a girlfriend to him, but since he knows that you already view yourself as his girlfriend that he is dating, he selfishly lets you think that while he is talking to other girls. I think he is a manipulative asshole like the datingish pic shows and is coming back to you because he hopes that you'll move to the next base and have sex with him but you stand your ground, which is a good choice, since he doesn't show any clear signs that he seriously and genuinely wants to be with you. his cryptic answer shows his true colors. I've been in a similar situation. I just gradually tried to let go of him. it wasn't easy since I liked him a lot but I moved on and so should you because you deserve more.
He's just not that into you.
i feel you. hmm, all i can say is, you deserve much better.
Your stupidity is astounding.
Love is not a contractual agreement that comes with entitlements. You don't just give love and therefore get love in return, as some sort of fair systematic transaction.
Why do you even bother asking him all the right questions if you're just going to turn blind to his actions that have already answered you so clearly?
You're human. That is what you are, human, and hopeful.
And hurt, you are really hurt.
And you are some of those other possibilities you listed at the end of your post, naieve, stupid, yeah, all of that. Those are simple human attributes.
And really, he has been honest with you. His words are honest, doesn't sound likes he's told you one thing and behaved another. And if nothing else his actions speak honestly of who he is, a guy who is not interested in committing to you, and is NOT in love with you, but enjoys you and is willing to accept what you choose to share with him.
That is a valid position for him to have. If you choose, out of love or anything else, to spend time with him, shower affection on him, that is your choice. He doesn't owe you anything for it.
I totally get your wondering why he doesn't respond by loving you back, and I have no answer for that. I think it's naive if you believe that if you keep it up he'll come around. If he hasn't yet, I doubt he will. You are not the one for him. Hard to swallow, but true. It doesn't mean your love is unworthy or that you've failed, it just means you and he are not really compatible on a long term romance basis. There is someone out there who wants what you have to offer.
I was, and maybe am in a relationship exactly as the one you describe. I love him. am IN love with him, chose to shower him with affection and be physical with him, he's always been honest with me. He has other priorities, and he's never said he loves me. He tells me he enjoys our time together, he finds me interesting, attractive, honest, etc. He has never said he loves me. And like your guy, he has now disappeared, but says he's still interested and will call me sometimes when the rest of his life simmers down. And I believe he will.
But I also know that the reality is that we are not the one's for each other. We can pass some really nice time together, but this will never be the romance of our lifetimes. At the beginning he wooed me, pursued me, so this is hard to take...because had he NOT gone after what he ended up not wanting...my heart wouldn't be all broken. I feel sort of cheated about that, but...that's life and the risk we take when we get involved.
I'll be a lot more wary my next time out. And I honestly don't know what I'll do if/when he calls me someday.
He is human too.
@Lovebipolar117@xanga word.
Time to move on.
He has commitment issues. This is what I tell all of my girlfriends who are dating guys like this or have boyfriends like that, Ditch the bitch! It's been a year and he won't tell you that he loves you. You say that you love him. He won't consider you his girlfriend yet he expects you to do girlfriend things for him. He wants you in a way but doesn't want the drama of having a girlfriend. Meaning he's too immature for a relationship at all. Give him 10 years and maybe he'll be ready. Haha I'm sorry about the situation that you're in though. And I should probably take my own advice but it has been over 7 months since my boyfriend told me that he loves me and we've been together for almost 2 years and I feel like his doormat. So I don't want you to be some other guys doormat.
yes crazy. you need to delete his number and never contact him again unless you prefer men who want to just use you. a year? girl if i dealth with that crap for more than 4 months, we'd be OVER. you aren't in a relationship - he is just playing with you.
i think we've all been there once, at least i have. i don't know if we are just hopefuls and waiting for that person to realize that we've been so faithful to them and need them to change. sometimes we win them over and then there are times we don't have a choice but we need to let them go and go on our own way.
wtf? why on earth would you stay?
@Lovebipolar117@xanga - should be "He's not into you at all"
It's so obvious you were and still are being used. Unfortunately you're not the woman to change him.
im so sorry hunny :(
this guy needs to take a big lamp and shove it up his ass. He's a dick.
While usually it is unwise to give ultimatums, it sounds like you really need tot do EXACTLY that -- just need to look him in the eye and tell him straight how you feel and if he doesn't feel the same way, well you know what you need to do.
Don't let him shrug off the question(s). You're making it clear where you stand and where you want to go.
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It should be noted that the best relationships are the ones where the feeling is mutual and the effort is equally mutual.
just gooooooooooooo.
Honey, take it from someone who's been there. Move on. Erase him from your phone, block him on Facebook. Ignore him. He isn't worth your time.
Tell him to go F*** himself. He obviously does not respect you enough to even want to be in a relationship with you or even acknowledge the fact that you two are an item so don't waste any more of your time on him. He just wants to screw you and every other girl out there and use you when there's no one else. Don't let him use you and don't take this bullshit. Erase him from your life and find someone else who'll be willing to give you that commitment you are looking for.
I think you should be a little more blunt with him. Treat him like he's treating you. You can find someone so much better. Someone who will commit to you, say "I love you", and someone who doesn't just disappear.
Take this time to find someone better. Tell him that he's not worth any of your time, and then be strong and don't go back to him. It won't be hard to not go back to him if you find someone else.
You don't need his bullshit. And I know a lot of people have said "don't go right to dumping the person!"... I think you need to do just that. If it's been more than a year and he won't commit there is nothing you can do. He'll just keep being an asshole.