Sunday, 18 October 2009
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The "After Math" of Sex
So to make a long story short, these are the highlights:
- I WAS a 27 year old virgin.
- My personal opinion: It never really mattered if it was before marriage or not. Not that I don't think it's an important thing, it's just that my family is not religious, just as long as you don't get pregnant. To have sex randomly? No. If you can save it for marriage, then great, but you just never know what is going to happen, so just be safe about it! For myself personally, I at least wanted it to be with at least someone special.
- He didn't know I was; I didn't tell him.
- Not that I was ashamed or anything. In fact I was proud that I went pretty far as to, be 27 and was still a virgin.
- The reason why I did not mention it is because, I've come across with guys who I have told and it's always three responses.
- 1) They try to see how far they can go.
- 2) They just don't want to deal with the "virgin" and leave ASAP!
- 3) They do stick around but can't last long. Now I know and I heard, if he really was the one or the right guy I wouldn't have to deal with ANY of those 3. But after 27 yrs!? I gotta say, is it me or them!? THEM,I know, but I can't help but wonder, it has to be me too.... I must be choosing the wrong guys right!? Therefore I just stop telling guys what I am. They can assume whatever they want. And when I feel like their important enough I'll let them know.
- With him, it came up once and I didn't go into detail ... I don't know what he assumed.
Moving on...
We talked for about a month. Met. Things went well. Shortly, after that he told me he wants to be a MONK! What he told me was that it was a mistake to start anything with me because now he feels bad because of his "beliefs." I have nothing against religion / faith but if that was the case then why started anything at all with me! We stopped talking for about a month or so... there has been a few calls here and there. Mainly my calls, but he picks up and talks to me for hours! Anyhow, he finally called me without me initiating it, yes, he was drunk...
One thing lead to another and.... we did it! I lost it to him. We won't go into the deed itself, but the after math!?!
He didn't call or text me. After three days, I texted him. It was short and quick between us. Another three days past and he didn't call or text. I texted him but nothing back. I was just going to walk away from it. It is what it is. I'm not going to sugar coat it. To him it was just sex, a booty call. He must have some kind of melt down from his life of monk hood (although he isn't officially a monk...) But to me!? Like I said, a part of me going into it, I knew it is what it is... but I'm a girl after all. don't we all wish a tiny part of it is more than just booty call. After talking to the girls about it. They got me thinking.
They're mainly upset that I didn't let him know that I was a virgin (and I can see where they are coming from).... Should I have told him? They think it's wrong that I let him go without letting him know. That he took something special and didn't even know it! If he doesn't know or didn't figure it out that I was a virgin, then I need to let him know so that he doesn't think that I'm that kind of girl, the kind of girl that sleeps around or is easy.
The question now is... should I call and tell him. Does he need to know?
To me, I don't want him to feel obligated or that he needs to take responsibility. I'm not a 17-year-old. Even though it does hurt a bit but I am, was, a grown virgin adult going into it so, I knew the pros and cons. Yes, a part of me wishes for more but given the circumstances and our past.... I doubt he is going to bend for me especially since he already choose his religion over me, even though he said he really likes me. A part of me is also saying ... go with fate! what IF he is waiting for me!?! What is he thinking?
The head: Rejection. Don't call just let it go
The heart: What if.... You don't want to miss out and the WHAT IF.... what if he IS waiting!?!What do you think? Should I tell him I was a virgin before him? Should I call him or let it go?
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- From: frogprincess
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Comments (127)
I'm was. Haha.
I'm a virgin myself, so take anything I say with a grain of salt...but what if he stopped talking to you because the sex was 'bad' since you were a virgin, and I am sure feeling your way through...when if he KNEW you were a virgin, that might be permissible behavior, as you were still learning? If that makes sense?
let it go. You're wasting your time. He had sex with you when he was drunk. And obviously didn't feel that way when he was sober.
tell
Just forget it. Best to move on.
Men are douches when it comes to something like this. Let it go and respect yourself. Let him know that you can't care less.
If he really wants it, if he is really waiting, he will call you. Otherwise, have some self-esteem.
If you tell him, he'll just run away further from you, since now he knows the pressure and the truth.
But it's just my 2 cents.
I'd let it go. And, he doesn't need to know. You gave him your virginity, don't give him your dignity. You don't want to be the girl who can't let go of something she didn't have to start with.
"After Math" (which is one word) sounds like you're having sex immediately following your math course, like the teacher asked to see you after class and it turned into a bad porno.
He's not going to make a very good monk if he gives in so quickly to temptation.
I think you should tell him, but don't make it a big deal. (even though it sort of is.)
I would not tell him. If you tell him, it's as if you're expecting something from him. An apology, him to be with you, I don't know. He doesn't need to have the satisfaction that he was the first one there, and you don't need to give that to a guy who only called you when he was drunk.
let it go, he's not into you.
better to move on. If he likes you, he'd call you. Why should you do that?virgin or not, if he's into you, he'll call. The fact that he hit it and basically pulled a disappearing act on you makes it official that he was in it for the sex. If you call him and tell him you're a virgin, he'll just thinks you're using lame excuses to get in contact with him.
Sorry your first time was marred by an asshole. Just let it go and don't contact him EVER again. You'll find someone better.Best to just let it go. Don't assume he's waiting for you, guys say they're not mindreaders, well neither are women so if he likes you he should tell you.
definitely was a booty call. i think maybe if he did know you were a virgin, this circumstance wouldn't arise. i'm sorry, but you def should let it go.
let him go. he was not worth your time.
This is why 27 is way too old to lose your virginity. You have to deal with young adult shit when you should have dealt with it years ago, when it was appropriate. Now you just sound like you need to grow up.
This is also why we don't meet men off the internet.
He's a loser, let it go.
Sounds to me like this has nothing to do with sex for him. That is, it sounds like this has a lot more to do with his emotional state than it has to do with whether or not he likes you or anything like that. In other words, it doesn't sound to me like you were a booty call. Rather, I think it's quite possible that he really likes you and is attracted to you and that terrifies him and so he has chosen to hide behind his faith instead of deal with this with you like a mature adult. (I see this a lot in the extremely religious; not to make a blanket statement or disrespect any religious persons -- it's just an observation, one which seems plausible in this case.) You're focused on the sexual aspect because you were a virgin and it meant a lot to you; that doesn't mean that it was about sex to him. He was drunk when he had sex with you. People don't change that much when they're drunk, they simply have lower inhibitions. Because you're so focused on the fact that you "gave him your virginity" (a phrase I don't "jive" with, so bear the quotes) you think he "hit and ran" so to speak... but I get the feeling that he has distanced himself not because he got what he wanted but because he is so disgustingly ashamed with himself. Put yourself in his shoes for a second. He is interested in being a monk. My own feelings about monastics aside, it requires a great deal of self-discipline... which this incidence with you proves him currently incapable of. This may be enough for a mild breakdown or period of self-loathing (a period characterized by a considerable deal of distance, especially from those one feels any sense of responsibility towards -- at least for most individuals). It may not be the sex that has inspired distance; it may be a million other issues far more intrinsic to his person, his personal struggles, etc. In light of this, I would suggest you not mention your virginity. It's possible he is already in a state of disappointment with himself and hearing that he "took" something so valuable to you (god I hate all the language surrounding virginity) may send him into a crisis and/or make him run away further. You don't want this to happen if you truly like him. I suggest you approach him with a level of sensitivity to what I have suggested here. There is no guarantee that my thoughts on the situation have any merit or validity, but, they're worth considering. I'm around if you wish to talk about any of this further (or how much I hate the concept of virginity). I'm just unfortunately out of time for tonight.
i can't see what difference it makes that you were a virgin... and i can't see why you need to tell him; it won't help anything.
I can't sit here and tell you what is best. I also am a virgin, 26 at that. I enjoyed your blog!!! I understand what you meant with the 3 responses... i have decided not to become active because of a situation i was in and have decided to wait for someone special and also for religious beliefs. I have met one or two guys who i thought were "the one" but once i told him they left soon after. I don't think its something you should just volunteer but at a certain time before you slept together it was maybe good to give that information. Although its sad to think that he wouldn't talk to you because "it was bad" but thats how a male thinks at the end of the day.
Do what you think is best... if thats telling him then tell him, if not then don't.
Also remember that your friends know you best and maybe have a better understanding of the situation... they have better input then someone behind a computer... go with their opinion - if it feels right!
Best of luck!!!
Oh my God! Dont let anyone tell you when you should have "lost" your virginity! What a shitty thing to say! Look, very few girls have great "first time" stories. Many girls have been molested or raped before they "willingly" decided to be with someone.
And this is only my opinion but I hate the word "virginity". Its this spooky thing that girls have to carry with them through life. Notice no one cares about the virginity of boys. So the idea is horribly sexist to start off with!
You didnt "lose" anything ok? You didnt give him the most precious part of your soul. Yes, the first time can be a big deal... sometimes its a great deal, a horrible deal, a regretable or memorable deal. But like all women, this will be a learning experience for you.
In addition to this Im going to give you some advice that I wish I had a few years earlier...
Never make someone a priority in your life, when you are only an option in theirs.
And the heart is slow to follow the brain... In other words the heart is "retarded". It doesnt know what reason is. When the brain speaks, the heart has a hard time understanding. When you give it some time and distance the heart and all other emotions will catch up to the brain's understanding.
dont tell and move on. he has his issues and you are not one of them. if he really cared he would stay in contact. chalk it up to experience. there is more to relationships than sex and i for one look for the one that i can have a relationship with first and then we can work on the sex part. sorry this happened to ya. gives us nice guys a bad name.
What the hell? What are you trying to do? You're supposed to go after him because you love him, and you didnt even mention any of that. you're worried about your virginity. You're going after him because of that. seriously?
he doesnt deserve to know, especially seeing as he left anyway. and the only thing youre going to accomplish by telling him is proving that you're trying to trap him or something. so what if you're a virgin? so what if he didnt know? it wont make any difference.
This post doesnt make any sense.
@utoppia@xanga - I agree with her.
Wow, this post brought up a LOT of issues for me. I'll try to sort them out into a cohesive reply.
First, I don't think you should call him. If he's into you, it's his turn to step up. If he can use the phone drunk, he can sure use it sober.
Second, you don't owe him any explanation or information on your previous sex experience...not at this point. It makes sense for people to discuss these issues beforehand if they feel they are pertinent. If it didn't matter to him or you prior to the act...why make an issue of it now..I mean, if you or he found out you had an STD..that's another thing, if one of you decides you're having second thoughts..oh well, too late to do anything about the past. However, if he does call and you two decide to proceed, then it may make sense to have that discussion, since it appears to be important to you.
Third, I get a sense that you may be trying to delude yourself a tiny bit...hoping, thinking that maybe that tidbit of information might make him turn the corner...it's a subtle form of manipulation, maybe playing his conscious against him or whatever. Take a real close look at your motives and compare them to your ethics and your idea of who you want to be.
Four, this is what I tell myself (after learning the hard way) and my kids (in their 20's) don't set up a dynamic you can't live with. It's tempting, when we meet someone interesting, to go the extra mile, make excuses for their behavior, etc...trying to get things started up, but be careful. The beginning of a relationship, as well as major "steps" in a relationship are the times to evaluate the dynamics of the relationship. If he is the type to leave you hanging...accept that is who/what he is, and if it doesn't work for you..move on NOW. He isn't going to change. We are who we are, they are who they are, we all need what we need, if the shoe doesn't fit, why waste a lot of time and get a lot of blisters to prove to you that what you saw at the start was indeed, the truth.
Five, I believe that virginity is not something you "give" to someone else, sex is a gift that you give yourself. You choose (hopefully) who and when and in what manner you will experience sex. Ideally, the "first time" won't be the most important time, the most special time...I hope that you have a great long sex life ahead of you, and that it will get better and better in all aspects. Just like the first time you ate solid food, was probably not your best meal in your whole life, etc...don't get too hung up on the idea of him being the first and shouldn't it be more special and shouldn't we make an effort to keep him around...not neccessarily. You both served a function in one another's life. Evaluate if you continue to have something purposeful to offer one another, if not, move on.
Sorry that it went down like this. I've had similar things happen. Hurts, very confusing, hugs to you, really, hugs...
Let him go, you're just trying to find any excuse to talk to him, again.