Sunday, 18 October 2009
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Strange Sex Fantasy: Part 2
Ok, recently I posted about some experimentation my boyfriend and I recently had with saying other peoples names in bed. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and been friends for about 7. He was a swinger for about a year in high school, dating multiple people and having sex with multiple partners then got into a monogamous relationship with me, who is the farthest thing from a polyamorous girl you can get. He says I make him happy because I am there for him and treat him more like like a human being than a piece of meat, but I believe that deep down he wants to go back to his sexually deviant past, or he wouldn't want to experiment with other people at all. Then the rational part of my brain tells me he's 21 years old and in college, why would he want to feel like he's married and can't express his sexual self with his friends (and no, I don't mean having sex with them). I'm confident in my relationship to know that just because he fantasizes about other people, doesn't mean he will do anything about it, because he wants to be with me. But I don't want to feel like a doormat that he feels like he can walk over either,
My question to you guys is if your SO told you that you make them happy and they are lucky to have you, but they have a sexually explicit past and remind you of it, would you leave them?
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Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 3 Views: 0 8578 Comments: 0 146 View all posts by Mistressofmyownfate@xanga
Comments (29)
NO, at least not at first. but at some point I would tell them to quit that crap, in a nice way though, I don't care to hear it and why that is so. If they care about me they will stop. if they keep doing it after I expain why they need to stop it...then they don't seem to care to much about my feelings. That is something I would leave someone over, not caring about my feelings.
No, I try not to judge people on thier pasts.
I know it's hard at times to overlook, but I remember that it's the present and they're with me.
i have to admit i would feel REALLY insecure about the request. i just mean, there are plenty of other ways to experiment in bed besides shouting out or imagining you're having sex with another person. ALSO i mean ... he's 21? try to avoid SOME naivety here...
No. my ex is nine years older than me and has two kids. i am a virgin. Hahahaha. So of course, there were/are things in his past that would make me feel jealous and upset about it. But I got over it, that was his past and those things don't matter anymore.
xo
I wouldn't worry about it unless he mentioned it, constantly, if he did, yeah I'd probably get tired of it and dump him. Honestly, you're not completely okay with it, cause if you were you wouldn't be writing about it.
wouldn't leave them
thats extreme
if you really felt uncomfortable about it talk it out
x
Nope. I haven't yet. But my boyfriend doesn't "remind me" of it - ever. Very, very, very rarely does it ever come up. I think maybe hes said it once... & it wasn't about his sexual past, but his dating past (which I guess coincide somewhat) & relevant to a point he was trying to make.
If your boyfriend is bringing it up often... I'd be weirded out for you. Not to mention if it were me I'd wonder WHY he needs to bring it up so often. But thats just me
I think you just have to make it clear to him - it's you and you only. Fantasizing is own thing, but he has experimented in the past. The past creates the person. Can a person change, want more? Sure, he was a kid then. He's a kid now! You never know; let's be real. But it comes down to - do you trust him?
heh heh, I have a sexually explicit past.. very sexually explicit and I'm married. I am in an open marriage. So personally I've had a deep discussion with my wife, about my past and I have admitted that at some points it was nice especially since I'm a recovering sex addict lol
My thoughts are that you need to be clear with him.I'm poly and so is my wife but since you aren't and he was, you need to sit down and have a long conversation with him. Don't accuse him--that's one of the last things you want to do. Also trust is a big thing.
Me and my wife are both poly but we have a rule--tell each other. It's all about trust. I believe in a monogamous relationship, you just need to trust him because if you don't accept some of his faults then why are you still with him?
No.
no i wouldn't leave that person, but it would concern me. you say it's harmless to fantasize about other people : "I'm confident in my relationship to know that just because he fantasizes about other people, doesn't mean he will do anything about it, because he wants to be with me." that's enough for me to worry. fantasies come before actions. if they're thinking about someone or something else other than you, that could lead to future problems. not in every case but it does raise some concern.
from personal experience, i've fantasized about other people and they pretty much all came true. i'm not bragging, but speaking from personal failure.
Dear god no. My boyfriend used to sleep around a LOT before he started dating me. Then he decided to be with me, Madame Monogamous. xD But if [and when] it does come up, I shrug it off and remember that he's changed and he's not like that anymore. And we both have our little "Oh they're hot" moments but we know that we love each other and we'd never act on them at the end of the day. =]
YES, if he really loves you, you would be the girl of his dreams--- and his fantasies.
if he was constantly reminding of it, you said? yes, i would leave him. even if he's saying to you that he's comfortable with you and loves you, if he's reminding you of his sexual past constantly, there's something more he wants, he just doesn't wanna hurt your feelings and come right out and say it.
I don't know if I would leave someone..but if I knew this soon after we were together, I don't think I'd want to get serious with them. Also, I'm a virgin and plan on staying that way until I'm married and I don't think someone who had a huge sexual..History would be fine with waiting.
It would depend. If the constant reminder gets to be too much, I probably would. However, not before talking with her (I switched him for her because I'm a guy) and telling her how I feel every time she brings it up. If she didn't change things, then I would have to start weighing the relationship to my comfort level.
My guy used to get around too, meanwhile, I was a virgin when I met him, but we've been going out for over 4 1/2 years now and he's also 21.. It did worry me at first, but he best thing is to not be neurotic about things like that. He's never expressed a desire to go back to old ways b/c we're older now and he doesn't care about the social aspects of sleeping around (in relation to guys of course).. But, If he was reminding me of his past constantly, I would be a bit troubled by that.
You should have a long convo with him about what the both of you want at this time. You have to work at a relationship to make it work and if he is unhappy with being tied down, it needs to be discussed. It may be that you guys are just stuck in a rut and need to spice things up a bit. Try to look at it objectively too, don't take things too personally when it comes to fantasies or whatnot. But if its not just merely about sex, or if the sex aspect about it seems to be overbearing, then there might be an issue.
No. I wouldn't mind hearing about it either. It's who he is. Asking him to dismiss that part of himself is the same as asking him to forget who he is, that he's not acceptable for who he is but only for who you want him to be. Not the same thing at all.
honeslty, i'd be a bit uncomfortable.
No, not if I truly trusted them. Plus, he hasn't done enough to show he could potentially cheat on you or want to leave (just because he asked a rather...odd thing of you in the bedroom it isn't completely proof of any infidelity). If it does bother you that he reminds you of his past, then you probably should discuss it.
Having a past is one thing and constantly reminding you about that past is another. I would NOT feel comfortable if my bf kept reminding me of his previous experiences. If he is as happy with me as he claims then that past shouldn't even be on his mind. As for the experiment your bf wanted to try, it seems like he is trying his best to remain faithful to u but he is obviously thinking about having sex with other people. I wouldn't leave him but I would have a serious talk with him and see where his head is. You should be concerned though and your observations are reasonable .It seems like he is starting to miss his past and that is why he keeps bringing it up.
interesting question, though i'm on the other side of the fence on this (though i don't make strange requests of him; rather he is not very experienced, and i find it mildly frustrating). is it worth staying with a person you enjoy but who is not everything you want, or is it better to look for someone else?? it seems like it would be best to find someone out there who is everything you want and for whom you are everything... i may be able to work out my little problem through experimentation that isn't degrading, but you, my dear, ought to find someone who enjoys sex (and everything else) with you and you alone. after all, that seems to be what you want.
the past is the past. We can't hang it over their heads but they shouldn't remind us of it either.
And they also should not hold us to their pasts either. Gotta just keep talking it out with him. Have to make him see/realize that its you and him and thats all that matters.
that is not why i would leave and if i was being compared to the other people that s/he had, that would be the kicker and i wouldnt want to be compared to someone else. if s/he did something i didnt do then why are you with me? thats sorta the response you would get from me on that.
i think you arent asking the right question of him or overall... the question for me is why does he want to go back to the way he was, and what made him be that in the first place. it seems that you have calmed him down and gotten him more into a rational frame of mind on some levels. but i think he would need to understand why having multiple partners was his thing before he can fully move on and be with you.
now i think that i will overcome everything in his past, but i cannot persuade even myself that i will really behave this way if i have such a situation...
i hope i won't
lol