Saturday, 17 October 2009

• Lies Young Women Believe

  Now I’m not a very religious person, but a good friend of mine suggested this book to me: "Lies Young Women Believe" by Nancy Demoss.  After reading the first couple pages of this book, I started thinking about lies that I have been telling myself.

  Lie #1:  I am not pretty enough.
  

  I think to myself and I wish that my skin was a little clearer, my eyes were a little brighter, my legs were a bit longer, my stomach was flatter, and my boobs were perkier.  But the truth is that I cannot measure up to the media’s standards; even models have to be airbrushed to meet these standards.
  

  Lie #2:  Everyone leaves – no one finds me worth it.

  Maybe it’s my own anxiety, but I had no father in my childhood and though my mother did a fantastic job raising me and my siblings on her own, a part of me still resents my father for leaving.  Even though my father did not choose to leave, he passed away in his early forties from a stroke that paralyzed him for four years, I still find a way to lie to myself saying, “No wonder why my father left – he had nothing to live for… I am not worth living for”.  I know this is not true, but during the times in my life where I want to hate myself, I find myself saying these things.  

  Of course it does not help when men in my life leave me for various reasons.  I haven’t had many relationships, but of the 6 somewhat serious relationships I have been in – at least 3 of them openly “admitted” that they felt they could not date me because they felt that I was “too good” bullshit.
  

  Was I “too good”?  Or did I want to believe that it was bullshit, so that I could continue believing the lie that no one finds me worthy? 

  Lie #3:  Don’t ever open your heart or else it’ll get crushed.

  My heart has been crushed on numerous occasions by men who had taken advantage of my kindness and compassion.  But I found that by closing my heart out to the world, my compassion for others has also closed.  Where at one point in my life, I had the desire to help those in need – I, instead, have decided to just look after myself, and make sure that I am the only person who does not get hurt and other people’s feelings do not count. 

  I say, f*ck you world.  My world is crushed so why should I give a damn? 

  My world is torn inside out, and upside down.  I can’t live a day without being stressed out about how I look and making sure I am not getting ripped-off or am being deceived.  There are so many days that I live feeling so unloved, and incapable of being loved. 

  But I know this is not true.  I know that I am loved, and that there is someone out there that will never leave me.  And I know that I am pretty enough.  I know this, but I don’t know this.  There is a constant inner battle; and unfortunately, lately the lies have been winning.

   Has anyone else felt like this - uneasy and never truly satisfied?  Not just women, but men also...

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