This is something I wonder about every day. Is it just me? I have a very hard time having a normal sex life. Don't get me wrong, I love sex. But I have NEVER been able to make love. The only sex that I have is fast, hard sex. It seems like the only kind of sex I can enjoy. I have never had anything close to "slow" sex, or making love. I think if my boyfriend told me he loved me during sex I would be turned off right away.
I have been sexually abused. Many times. By my cousin, my father, a kid on the bus... My first time drinking at the age of 16 I ended up in bed with a 27 year old man. I was extremely drunk, and after I got drunk, I was then introduced to marijuana, and got very high. I don't completely blame this on someone else, I made the choice, however I cannot remember making the choice to have sex, and I wouldn't have had sex with someone that old sober. I don't remember that night, I had to be told by someone else. A year or so after this, my best friends ex boyfriend got me in his car. I was on my period, and did NOT want to have sex with him. He made me feel like I had no choice and I had to say yes. It took less than one minute. I got out of the car, and he drove away.
I feel guilty about these things, and I feel like my sex life is abnormal. I have never had an orgasm during penetration, no matter what. EVER. The thought of making love is disgusting to me. How can that be a turn on. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me wonder if I love the person I am with, even though I know in my heart, that I do.
When in a relationship, I found that I have a pattern. I don't have sex for at least three months with that person. However, out of a relationship, I tend to have sex with just about everyone, and I don't enjoy it. I don't understand what I need to do. Or if this is a situation that needs to be fixed .I feel bad. I feel guilty. I feel dirty. I think, deep down inside, I think that sex is wrong. If I can get it over with fast, all the better.
I have never really told my SO about these things. He knows partially about my father, but I find it hard to tell anyone about this. I plain and simple don't want to. I don't think other people need to know (people in my life, people I see on a regular basis). Xanga is different. I most likely will never meet any of you. I don't have a physical, or emotional attachment to you, and there is nothing that a Xangan can do or say to hurt me in any way.
I feel if I share these with people in my life, I will be considered weak. That is the major thing I fear, and avoid. I spend my life proving to myself I am not weak, vulnerable, or needy. I know, I don't need anyone. I know I can take care of myself. I'm a bitch by nature, because its how I have to be (or how I think I have to be) and I enjoy it. I really do. I don't like most of the people I am surrounded by. As you know from other posts, I have a "friend" who in all actuality, I would love to be a friend to, but shes such a selfish bitch, she makes it impossible. This just flames the bitch in me, because I don't want to show her weakness either. Her sex life is perfect, of course, and she lies about being sexually abused. Sad..
I guess I just wonder if anyone else is going through this?
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Comments (42)
I don't think sex feels like love making either.
It's really hard to explain, I think you did a pretty good job with it.
But, I can understand what you mean when it doesn't feel the same as it is said it "should".
I'm in the same boat.
It does mess with you...I guess you first have to be aware that it is affecting you, and see if you can control it.
I know that I have some problems from some of the things that have happened to me, but I really don't know what to do about it.
Maybe group meetings? MUSLA (Messed-Up Sex Lives Anonymous)
There are times when I think sex is disgusting.
It seems like sex is the most common tool of abuse these days, and no physical weapon can ever compare to the damage that sexual abuse can inflict.
The only reason I can view sex as something worth while is when I attach emotion to it. Where sex becomes making love.
I don't have sex just because I like it. I don't have sex just to feel good. I don't have sex just because I can.
I have sex because I love you.
That's when sex goes from something disgusting, to something truly beautiful.
but hey thats just me
I hope that someday you'll find something of the same realization.
I was abused. Honestly, talking to my husband about it (back when he was my boyfriend), explaining every last horrible detail and feeling that I've ever felt, and seeing that he did not reel away from me in disgust was what it took for my sex life to feel normal to me. It was extremely difficult, but it worked for me.
hmmm...i don't know how to help you there. fast, hard sex is kinky, but i've had slow, passionate lovemaking with my SO as well, and both are wonderful. i think it depends on the person, because maybe there's a part of you that's uncomfortable to the whole idea of "lovemaking" with you and your SO, or there are other problems. maybe you subconsciously like to be submissive, and that's where the fast, hard sex kicks in. it would help if you talk to your SO about it - i think.
People have what is called imprint codes. Things that get imprinted within our minds and subconcious. They end up causing us to be how we are.
You having sex hard and fast is not something to be ashamed about. I would think what you need to do is discuss this with someone you can trust. If you have a close enough relationship with your boyfriend/partner then discuss this with him and be competely honest. Maybe you and him can work together to figure out how to get you comfortable with slower sex in steps.
This thing with imprints is, they are hard to figure out where they started at. However once you can pin point what caused the imprint you can fidgure out different ways to work with it to adjust it. However the process is painfully, because it involves some deep searching within and being able to admit it outloud. This is why I said to talk to someone you trust.
I am telling you this form experience. I have been raped, at the age of 4, then again at 14, and then repeatedly by a boyfriend of mine. Along with lots of physical and mental abuse. I have survived.
However, I still greatly enjoy hard rough sex, but I have finally been able to make love and enjoy slow sex. This didn't happen for me until 6 yrs ago and sometimes it is still hard for me to get turned on with slow sex.
Look into some books by Timothy Leary, Christopher Hyatt, Robert Wilson (whom is one of the best) and Jung. These authors might give you some insite on how to go about helping yourself.
Best of luck for you. Most of the authors listed above can be found on amazon.com.
If you can't find them please do send me a message and I will send you a direct link to the publisher.
Illyria
i was raped in high school and then i was in a physical/emotional abusive relationship with another guy.. it really messed with my head for a long time. i almost took my own life because of depression. i had to see therapists and social workers.. which helped a little bit - but its all about ur inner strength and believing in urself that what happened to u.. was NOT you're fault. only YOU can stand up for yourself and put a stop to the pain from the past.
what i did was i threw out all the things that reminded me of the past - cut ppl out of my life that was linked to the past.. it was tough at first but you HAve to push through or else you're just gunna end up where u started.. you need to realize ur in a better place now and its never too late to just start over. the person that you are in a relationship
cares about you and that he will be there for you .. and is there to
keep you safe. you gotta put ur trust in him and in the people in ur life that geniunely love you.. sex should be about love.. and u should only do it with someone you love or trust or both and remember the only person that you should be satisfying is yourself!
im not a therapist.. but i can say i've been there.. and i kno it sounds cheezy but u just gotta believe in urself to get yourself in a much healthier mindset.
I have something similar yet different. I was under extreme abuse that could be classified as torture when I was very small. I wasn't able to communicate, so that played a huge roll. I was tortured by a woman. It's like.. beautiful women have a power over me I cannot explain. I feel like I can be in control with a woman- yet I am not. I am at her mercy. With a guy, I become very controlling. It's weird because I detest sexual contact, yet I think about sex all the time. So, I feel for you.
Get professional help, get advice from someone with an actual degree. It'll do you good.
I get flashbacks sometimes. But, that's only been like 3 times during sex with my husband. He knows too. Cause he says I start making a weird face. It makes me feel bad, like he thinks it's him. But it's not. I've told him a little about it..not a lot though. Just enough.
I think it does affect us. My thoughts are to be honest, only unheard demons can lay destruction on our minds and bodies. Most woman know the ugly hand of abuse, in so many different ways, but I don't think it needs to steal away something that should be a loving and enjoyable experience. Open up to a person you trust about it.
My mom was sexually abused when she was younger. To what exact extent she hasn't told me, but I know it happened. However, she has been completely honest with my dad, and they have been married for 26 years now. I do remember her telling me that sometimes when shes having sex, she blacks out, and suddenly feels like shes a little girl in her room with her father again. She has to stop herself, and remind herself that shes with her husband, who she loves, and who loves her back.
To answer your question, no you are not alone.
I highly suggest, that you send this link to your SO. I know it will be hard and awkward for you, but if you trust him, your relationship will benefit from it.
@InTheThin@xanga - I agree.
For all of you going through this, PLEASE hang in there...I know its hard sometimes and you think that you are going crazy wondering if you are normal but trust me, you can get to the point where it can be put behind you...so far behind you it can seem like a distant lifetime and you can/will have a "normal" life. I am proof of this. <3 to all my sisters and brothers in this<3
i also have some issues with sex too, from a combination of abuse starting @ 5 and then being told my parents/church/family friends that sex is evil and the devil's handiwork and desiring any kind of sexual anything is bad (oh yeah, great things to tell someone who's be sexually aware/active since they were 5!!!) : P
anyway, admitting that you have some sexual issues because some really traumatic things happened to you doesn't make you weak. in fact, admitting and confronting your issues and fears is what makes you strong...hiding from fear and shame never can make it go away. i get better with dealing with my problems every year that i'm still alive so i guess by the time i'm like 40 i should be almost all better LOL ^_^ luckily i have a really accepting boyfriend too, so that also helps in the here and now :)
It's amazing and horrible when women come forward and we see the actual numbers. I would seek pro help with this, i think it would help you in many aspects of your life. I dated a girl that was sexually abused in the past, fell in love with her and so on. She had no problems with intimacy as the relationship progressed, although now she suffers from drug addiction and as result the relationship ended.
late this august my mom touched me, i immediatley called the cops on her but while i was waiting for them to arrive i started sawing away at my arm.
inevitably they found out and after taking me to the police station along w/ my little brother they took me, in handcuffs to a hospital for 72 hour hold, i was there from 3 am to 6 pm then they transferred me to a psych. hospital and i was there for a week.
i met amazing ppl particularly one girl: Ember.
i had toyed around w/ bisexuality previously but i thought i was straight again then after just 3 days of knowing her i had sex w/ her.
and the day before that i had an emotional breakdown and the thought went through my head: that ppl are going to think that i liked what my mom did to me and that's why i'm a lesbian now.
but it's not true! i know for a fact that it's not true and that i had these feelings before but still, i feel so odd about it. and even before when Ember and Alyssa were making sexual jokes throughout the day i felt uncomfortable and even asked my roommate jessica to tell them how uncomfortable i felt about it. they stopped but then that "incident" happened and i've just been left a hell of a lot more confused.
after i got kicked out of the hospital, before i was even ready i might add i went to a foster home but i only stayed there for one night because i had yet another breakdown and they let me go to my sister's house, just for the weekend then i had to come back home w/ that fucking pedophile. they made me take meds but i stopped taking them and now they're trying to force me to go to counseling and the fucking social worker came to my school first period and pissed me the fuck off, making for a shitty day because the only person i could talk to about this transferred schools.
balls.
i was planning on going to see where the wild things are w/ her tomorrow just to say goodbye and try to act like a kid again and relive one of my favorite books growing up but she can't go.
so much for having the peter pan gene.
*hug* to you and everyone in your shoes
GET HELP
@HiroBoi@xanga - Agreed!
I know things like that affect people. I've talked to several girls who feel the same way you do.
Hell, I know girls who want sex changes to be men just so they never have to have sex with a man and feel that same feeling (they are attracted to women though, it's just I wonder if that too is simply because they're just that terrified of men).
As for me, I understand you. Completely. I was raped consistently from ages five to seven by my babysitter (male) and to this day, every once in a while, I'll have a flashback DURING SEX and freak out. I know this means I have post traumatic stress disorder, which you may or may not be suffering from (I'm not sure what EXACTLY constitutes it, but since there is no anxiety reported during sex, you say it's just "not a turn on" I'm not sure). This problem was compounded by my abusive ex boyfriend who not only raped me, but even if we were having consensual sex and I started having a flashback, he would keep going (yes, on purpose, he would snap me out of it AFTER he was done), thus reaffirming the rape scenario in my head and just messing me up worse.
I am in another relationship now, and we don't have sex too frequently because I wasn't ready for him to see me have a flashback (though I think that might change now because he did the other night...)
BUT ANYWAY, I would agree with many of the others, that you should seek professional help about this, it very well may help IF YOU'RE OPEN TO IT.
No, it isn't just you. A very high percentage of people who are abused turn to BDSM. Especially if the abuse was sexual.
There's a song by I believe three days grace that says "pain without love, pain I can't get enough, Pain, I like it rough BECAUSE I'D RATHER FEEL PAIN THAN NOTHING AT ALL."
Penetration has never worked for me either. I've been able to make love once, and it was a more painful experience emotionally than anything I think has ever been before.
Don't feel guilty. It's not abnormal. It's something every girl *I don't know about the abused guys, sorry.* who has been abused has to face, I think. I could be wrong, I don't know every girl. But it's the same for me. If you feel emotionally that you love the person you're with, you do, you don't have to make love to prove it. Sex and love CAN be very interlinked. They can be connected. They don't have to be, and it certainly doesn't sound like it's the case for you.
When you're in a relationship with someone you make them wait to make sure the connection is there, you take the time to build trust so that you can enjoy it. Outside of your relationships sex is meaningless, you're a tool, and because you don't get pleasure out of the penetration, you probably don't enjoy it any more physically than you do emotionally. So why do it? I don't know. Maybe it's expected of us? Maybe we think it's what we're supposed to do? Maybe because it's what we were groomed/trained to do? Maybe it's just a self-destructive pattern we can't break out of because of our own inner demons...
You need to open up to your significant other and talk to them about it. You need to seek a therapist if you can. Don't feel bad, or guilty, or dirty. None of what happened to you was your fault. NONE of it. You were still innocent after what those creeps did to you.
Sex is wrong when it was forced, it's wrong if it's not something both parties enjoy... It's not wrong if you both want it, it's not wrong if it's with someone you love, if you're both CONSENTING adults.
You aren't weak for finding a voice. It doesn't make you weak, or needy. It will give people what we perceive is a weapon against you/us. That makes it harder, but being able to say "this happened to me." That's strength. And damn anyone who says otherwise.
People shouldn't lie about sexual abuse. It's not a joke, and it can ruin people's lives. HAS ruined peoples lives. Those that aren't sexually abused cannot POSSIBLY understand the profound affect that it's had on us and our lives, and things that will probably forever be messed up with us. *I know, I need therapy too.* Your "friend" doesn't have a perfect sex life, and she's not really a friend. Get rid of the people around you that affect you negatively. You don't need that.