Wednesday, 14 October 2009
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"Taking a Break" vs. "Breaking Up"
Ah, yes... this is one of the most confusing questions I have ever dealt with on the topic of relationships.
I'm currently going through a "break" right now with my boyfriend of over a year. I must say, that I'm extremely devastated. I'm not sure where to go, what to think, or what to do. Some people tell me to date other people, some people tell me to wait, some people tell me it's just another way of breaking up and I should move on at this very moment.
I'm going to be honest, and say that my boyfriend and I have not had a very happy relationship since school started. We've had a lot of fights, mostly about communicating with each other when he's at school and I'm a work. We had a lot of arguments. He would wonder why I couldn't understand where he was coming from, and I would wonder why he couldn't understand me. These past few weeks, we fight about supposedly different things, but the truth is, the situation is still the same. I point out something I believe is important to fix in our relationship, he becomes angry because he says he does not need anymore stress, and doesn't think the issues I point out are a very big deal.
Last week, after an argument, I asked if maybe a break would be good for us. My reasoning was that we could separate for while, with no communication whatsoever unless there was an emergency. I thought, at least if we were separated, thought about things, and came back, we would be able to appreciate each other more. He of course, was seemingly upset and refused this suggestion. However, this week went by, and yet again, I pointed out an issue and simply told him I was disappointed with the way things were going.
Three days went by without me hearing from him, until Friday night when I got a very angry email from him. He said he didn't know what was going on with me anymore, and he thought everything would be ok but it wasn't. He then brought up the break, and said maybe time about would be best. We met up the day after, and he was very uncooperative. He said many things that made me wonder "Where is all of this coming from?"
Here's a list of the many things he said to me during our talk:
"I don't want to talk to you. You always get angry with me."
"You never laugh at my jokes."
"You always say I don't love you. What if I don't? And you're the one who doesn't love me. You're the one always listening to sad songs, you're the one that wants to be alone."
"You're happier with other people. I don't care."
"If you leave me, I don't care anymore."
I was overwhelmed, and since he was not willing to just discuss the problem, make a game plan, and let it go, I told him "Let's just break up then!" To which he replied "I don't want to break up, I just want a break."
Whenever I tried to actually leave, he pulled me back and had me sit back down with him. There was also a point he became angry, so angry infact that he said he made up his mind and that it was over. But when I restrained him and pulled him to a bench to talk, he didn't stop me.
His words and actions confuse me. He said many things that made me feel that he doesn't care for me anymore, yet when I try to make it easy for him and just end it, he won't. Also, if he had actually made up his mind to break up, shouldn't he have just broken away from me and run? I know that if I decided it was over, and my SO tried to restrain me, I'd struggle anyway and run.
I feel like this is a very gray area for me, and it's shaken me up very badly. I'm unable to eat, sleep, or focus on anything. If he doesn't want me, and is pointing out all my faults etc. why didn't he just agree to break up? If he had another love interest to pursue, or needed to do things on his own terms without a second party, wouldn't just breaking up have made it easier for him? These are the kinds of things going through my mind.
I have discussed this issue with a couple of guys, who said, "If he didn't love you, and didn't want to continue on with the relationship, he would have broken up with you already. Since he hasn't, he still loves you. He's just got too much on his plate right now and he's mentally exhausted"
On the flip side others have straight up told me "If he loved you, he wouldn't do this to you and he would face the problem."
Do you agree with either of these statements? What are the fine lines between taking a break and breaking up?
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- From: destinyshorizon
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Comments (83)
I think a break can be good, but there need to be rules established. Breaks are not really intended to be permanent, they're just a chance to get away for a while and realize how much the other person means to you (if they really do mean a lot to you). I wouldn't do anything during a break that would make the other person feel like they didn't want you back after that, or anything that would hurt them. I think it'd be okay to go on casual dates, but I'd say sex of any kind is a no-no. But really, you have to sit down and discuss what is acceptable and not acceptable during your break. Every couple is different.
But sometimes, the person who wants the break, just wants to have his cake and eat it too. He might just want to be able to have fun with other girls and stuff and still hold on to you.
I don't believe in taking breaks. Either you are in or you are not. There is no in between no-communication stage where you can do what you want.
Because you can't get back together and act like it never happened.
So I guess what I am saying there is no fine line. It's a yes or no question. It's a question of ..."will you say yes or no to working it out"
not
"yes or no to doing what we want for a certain time period, til one party regains their train of thought."
my boyfriend thought maybe a break was good, since we were always together & we were sorta fighting alot.
me: i don't do breaks.
him: you've been in three relationships. how do you know what you "do" & "don't do"?
really tho, i couldn't handle it. he said we'd still be friends & hang out alot, but how can i do that when i'm completely in love with him? & i'd be afraid he'd end up hooking up with this one girl he was with once. (he told me he didn't want to get with her again, but i'd be afraid of it. specially since i hate her.) i dunno. it'd be so hard.
i guess both of those statements could be true. but people can't really tell you what he's feeling, unless he's told them himself.
I don't get the last thing people have told you. Maybe by taking a break he IS facing the problem. That problem being either something going on with him that he needs to workout (but doesn't want to completely loose you in the process) or that he just wants to see if the problem is being together. My bf and I went on a break once...it was the hardest 5 days of my life, I felt as though I was dying :P But luckily things worked out. The issues were he was dealing with a lot of stress and needed time away to clear his head (we had been arguing a lot around that time for many reasons as well, mainly just outside stresses) and because of that stress he was no longer sure if he wanted to continue the relationship due to the increase in arguements. The time apart helped both of us reflect and realize places where we had been immature and how stupid some of our fights were, but that we still loved eachother and didn't want to be without the other person.
Since then we've rarely fought and when we do get into a disagreement it's handled much more calmly.
Just because you're on a break doesn't mean the decision is up to him, however. This is a good time for you to reflect as well. Are you still in love/care about him? Would be happier out of the relationship? Do you want to work towards making it better? If the answer is no, then you have your answer and you can go to him anytime about it. A break is purely reflection and time apart to see if the relationship is salvagable, a breakup is not even wanting to try and accepting the end. If you feel it's a lost cause or would be better off apart, then you can tell him. If you are willingly to give it another shot, then wait and see what he comes back with on his break time. Good luck!
@escaping_logic@xanga - i agree with that.
break=breakup. i;m sorry. but it seems that since school started the both of u and ur relationship changed. and that's ok, cos that's life and shit happens. plenty of other fish in the sea.
@escaping_logic@xanga - A break does not constitute "doing whatever you want". Dating and sex is strictly forbidden and those who break the rule obviously were never serious anyway. It's supposed to be time to reflect on the relationship and time to yourself to clear your head. A lot of things can happen or be said in the heat of the moment that aren't meant and a break allows both individuals the time needed to be truly alone and consider their situation and whether they truly wish to stay or leave.
In my opinion "Taking-a-break" is SHADY. It's going on dates and having to keep your SO at the same time. If any of your dates didnt work, then you can go back to your SO. In this situation, your SO is like a security blanket if nothing works out for you.
"Taking-a-break" means nothing. it has blurry rules and i believe can make the relationship more difficult to fix.
You can give each other space IN THE RELATIONSHIP without having to take an actual break. This can be done by giving time for yourselves and for your friends and letting each other know when is the appropriate time to be with each other.
Relationships are difficult. It's all about communication and knowing what you want and dont want out of the relationship. If there's something wrong in the communication then its not going to work out. "Taking-a-break" and realizing how much you miss each other won't fix the core of the problem. Sometimes people confuse the "realization of missing each other" with convenience.
You two need to make the determination to discuss your problems out like adults instead of he said she said. He's accusing you of bleh bleh, but we don't know what you've said to him. Don't point fingers, just fix the problem. I think he wants to be with you.
To me a break is a breakup. I think when you ask for a break, you want time for yourself, you want time to explore others people that you might potentially date in the future, and it's basically saying "Yes, I have aboy/girlfriend somewhere, but we're on a break, so I can do what I want." I'm not a break type person, so I would end it. I don't share. I'm not someone's baggage, you either want me or you don't. I dont judge others who go on a break, I just tell them "Okay, but they are gonna date other people." and they say "Oh, no their not, we agreed." and then they find out the person DID see someone else and they get all devestated and I'm just like "Um, and what did you think a break meant?"
The way I see it a break can make you or break you. It can bring you two closer than before (and bettering your relationship with each other) or make one or both of you realized that breaking up is the best solution. But if you two do get back together and things are the same, either fix the issues at hand or just break up. The more you drag an issue or issues in a relationship, it's just going to get worst from then on.
Ever think that maybe he's keeping you as a back burner in case he can't find another one? Or that you're his comfort blanket?
I feel like a break is actually what yall need- there's too much emotion clouding the issues. Both of you are overwhelmed with the negativity of the recent events to really see each other without that negativity clouding you. A break- some time apart- maybe you can even pick a date to see each other, so it doesn't feel TOO much like a breakup- would really help you.
I completely understand where you are coming from! I was in a on and off LDR for about 2 and 1/2 yrs. During the first year of my LDR, everything was perfect. Though we were a hundred miles apart, we never let the distance become an obstacle in our relationship. We were so very much in love. It was not until the a couple months after where he asked for the break. He met this new girl who lived much closer to him and told me he wanted to explore his options before determining if our relationship was worth all this trouble. Not only was I was shocked I was completely devastated. I didn't know how to take it in and I didn't understand what a break meant at the time and I wasn't so sure how to handle being on a break. Did it mean we were still together or did it mean we were over for now but would get back together later on? It was just all so confusing. So, he immediately hooked up with this new girl and I felt like he had totally forgot about me. Our conversations would last for only 10 minutes, if I were lucky, when it used to last for 8 or 9 hrs. straight. On occasions he would come to see me but it seemed as though all we ever did was have sex. I never felt more used in my life. He just wasn't that same person anymore. When he broke up with her, he wanted me to be apart of his life again. Naive and stupid, I said yes. Then just 3 or 4 months after we had got back together, he asked for another break. It felt as though he was filling me up with hope only to take it away from me. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore and that if can't make up his mind about who he wants to be with then I don't want to stick around and be his sloppy seconds.
Anyways, I personally do not believe in breaks. I also don't believe in friends with benefits kind of relationship. I had one and it was just too messy and emotional for me. Well, good luck!
Hm..I don't know. I don't think taking a break means yous are broken up. With my ex, I said I wanted a break..and I just literally wanted a break from him and to think things over. I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to break up. Breaking up to me means that you know for sure you don't want to be with that person anymore. I think you take a break when you're confused as to what you want..Maybe. I don't know..I think breaks are kind of pointless now. If you really need a break, deep down you probably don't want to be in the relationship.
I think he just sounds really stressed about life in general, so much that he can't calm himself down enough to talk it over with you. It seems like he really does want to be with you, but he's just so stressed out and confused by all the arguing that he doesn't know what to do or even think anymore.
I don't really know what a "break" is, but I think time away for each other is a good idea. It would be good for both of you to re-evaluate and re-prioritize. Then you can both decide what you want, and will have enough patience and energy to talk it over the right way. And when he says what's on his mind, getting angry and telling him he doesn't love you won't help. When you ask someone what you're doing wrong, the goal isn't for you to tell him he's wrong and that you shouldn't change, but to see his side and try to fix it. I hope that gives you an idea of what route you want to take next?
Why are people so angry? Kiss, hug, go somewhere romantic. See if you can rekindle things. If you can't drop his ass. If you can, I'm happy for you.
Things should be simple... break or breakup. Who cares. The choices should be love or not love.
this boyfriend doesn't sound like that great a guy to be honest....
i don't believe in "taking a break." in my own experience, and other friends', it just means "i don't wanna call you my boyfriend/girlfriend but i still wanna do things boyfriends and girlfriends do" and it just doesn't work. i think you either break up or you don't. even if it means you get back together later.
@escaping_logic@xanga - Yeah I definitely agree. I would not be okay knowing that my SO had the freedom to do whatever he wanted during the "break." It's either we're in it together, or we're not together at all.
Sometimes, though, I think it's reasonable to take some sort of break in the relationship as long as there are rules. Talking less to each other for a week but still being in the relationship might help, or if you find that you're losing time that could be spent with other friends, you might want to lay off seeing each other everyday.
@jeezshoua@xanga - ooh i totally agree with you.
To the writer: I thought you were the one who suggested the break so why are you so upset if he's agreeing with you to take one? He could be thinking the same way if he's talking to some of his female friends. They could very well be telling him the same thing as some of the comments are suggesting that a break=break up. So maybe he thinks you're the one wanting to break up?
I never understood "taking a break". To me, you're with someone, or you aren't. But if you're taking a break you need to specify with what you're okay with (dating other people, etc.) or if you just want some definite time away from a person to think and grow by yourself for a bit.
@TheScaleDiaries@xanga - not to say that i dont agree to the definition that you have provided to me regarding what a break is....
but How many people do you know actually follow the rules?
How many people get into arguments that get over the top, and just walk away stating "a break" and actually, really be alone? how many guys do stay alone and consider the "break" of their relationship?
In my opinion and through the experience from my male and female friends...a break has always been classified as..."get out of jail for free" card.
Hence why i stand by what i said prior...I don't believe in breaks. You are either in or you arent...it's a cold statement and its over the top as well, but I wont waste time working something out with someone who is not willing and needs a break..
But to which i will agree with you, sometimes in the heat of an argument, it is seemingly alright to take a breather of no conversation for a few minutes to hours...is fine......but to make a statement by saying "I think we need a break in this relationship" obviously implies "get out of jail now" does it not?
if those are exact quotes of what he said.....he sounds like a brat throwing a temper tantrum! "you never laugh at my jokes"....whah whah! what's he gonna complain about next? that you rub his tummy and don't tuck him in when he sleeps anymore? i'm seriously afraid to ask this guy's age.
@jeezshoua@xanga - i agree with you completely.
there has been a couple times in my relationships where just being apart from each other after a big fight is really good. we didnt actually go on a break or break up or anything. it just so happened that after a big fight, one of us left the country or something and there was no way for us to communicate (argue over the problems we've had). when we came back to each other, we had forgotten about hte fight because we werent rolling around in it for days on end by spending our time together yelling at each other about it. instead we just moved on with our lives for a few days. and really, you arent taking a break from the person, you are taking a break from the issue. its kind of enlightening when all the stupid drama of the relationship suddenly seems petty in comparison to how you feel about the guy.
but this made me feel good to know that other people go through these things too :)
"i'm taking a break" = "i'm tired of you. go away."
not that difficult, peeps.
Taking a break is for situations like a death in the family, or one member of the couple accepting a job in another city. What you are going through sounds a lot like a break-up! Either way, do some stuff you enjoy on your own, and even consider seeing other guys - as friends at first.