Wednesday, 14 October 2009
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Am I a Mistress or a Secret Girlfriend?
Just last night I was reading a blog on famous mistresses. Or secret girlfriends…What is the definition of a mistress?
A mistress is “A woman who has a continuing sexual relationship with a usually married man who is not her husband and from whom she generally receives material support” ; therefore who is doing sexual activity but receives “Material Support.” (the free dictionary)
Now what is a girlfriend?
A girlfriend is “a woman who you are having a romantic or sexual relationship with” (Maximilian dictionary)
Well, let’s say that for sake of argument I am a mistress but I receive nothing for material support and I don’ t know if I am considered a girlfriend because we are not romantically involved mainly we don’t have time and we have sexual appetite. We’re a “one night stand” that just lasted for years.
Let’s rewind. This person who I am with has been in my life for over 8 years now. Sure we had our moments in life when our lives coincide but then our lives went different ways. We allowed life to drift but even then we continued to see each other. Our lives are a secret and have been for most of our lives. I’ll be honest there are times well maybe months at a time that we can’t really talk or stand each other… so like most of the time I please him and we go our own way. I am usually the one to please and in reality I get nothing in return except the satisfaction that I am the one who knows how to please him and can top myself with more experience each time. But, he knows how to please me as well.
We spent a few years thinking that it was wrong to touch me and as long as he didn’t do anything he wasn’t doing anything wrong (yeah, stupid) but in the last year… things have changed a lot. He kisses my cheeks my shoulders… he does these little bites all over my body, it’s like heaven at times… and he still has been the only one who has ever gotten me to orgasm… even with the simple touch of his hand pulling my hair. He has finally begun to explore my sexuality and enjoy my facial expressions and me. We have began to make this connection… we know we want each other and our relationship is even better than it that ever been. It’s not like when we had something going on where we would finish and “get off and leave me alone” but more like we’ll talk for hours if we can. We’ll listen.
I know in society or morality this is wrong. But can it be wrong after you’ve known each other for so long. Sure, there have been times where we say that’s it… but it never ends. I have came to terms with myself knowing that I will not allow myself to love him again… because I know we can’t be with each other for ever. Life has separated us in that way and we lead completely separate and distinct lives but we still manage to hold some connection. I know that usually people like this don’t come around because a “booty call” of you will, will always just be that. The comfort only gets stronger and he the one who swore to himself wouldn’t do anything that would incriminate him himself has started to.
Has anyone ever been in this position? If you finally were able to move on, did it break his/her heart? Did you ever feel there was a future in it?
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Comments (66)
I don't really know what I am either. I had a relationship with a married man, but I didn't receive "material support" from him. But then again, I guess we're just each other's booty call and I'll leave it at that.
If you continue to stay in this, it's clearly just selfish on both of your parts...step your game up and call it something - or leave it alone. Learn to give something and be with someone who has time to love you and that you can dedicate yourself to as well.
The words I'd use to describe you are "home" and "wrecker".
That is, unless it's the extremely rare case where the other person is fine with an open relationship. Highly doubtful, though, since you both have to keep it a secret from her (him?).
I can't answer this. No lady has ever win my love or hold my attention long enough.
You should care about your heart more dear.
Idk, never been in this situation.
@theblackspiderman@xanga - RIGHT ON. That's the same thing I was thinking.
We are more deserving when we have something that is beyond sex. and if you have to be each other's secrets...how would you ever grow and prosper into something you can have "your own"
I can't really answer this. I haven't been in too many relationships. Being a male whore for a while does that to you.
If you're happy, and continuing like this won't make you less happy, does it really matter?
I understand where you're coming from. In fact, this brings up an interesting conversation I had with one of my clients. I used to be a nail technician and this older woman would come in to get her nails done regularly. After a couple visits, she started to confide in me about her personal life and the relationship she was currently involved in. Her bf was a married man and had 2 kids. Strange part about all this was, his wife knew about her and was fine with them being together. My client had been divorced for 10 years but never had children and was probably in her late 50's. She told me she loved having him around and he would always buy her real expensive things but at the end of the day, he'd go home to his wife and she would go back to her home and she was completely fine with it. She loved the fact that there were no strings attached and that she did not have to deal with the stress of having him around all the time. She said she was already married once, been through all of that, and just wanted to go out and have fun. At first this seemed a bit odd to me but it works. I, personally do not think I could do something like that but everyone has different aspects on relationships and what and how their supposed to be like.
There's nothing wrong with your relationship. If it works for you then it doesn't really matter what someone else says or thinks.
sounds like a "fuck buddy" situation between friends. Sometimes you can hang and other times you go without needing to talk/see eachother every waking moment. I don't what to tell you, go with your gut instinct and do what makes you happy.
If you feel you NEED to put a label on what you two are doing then talk to him about your feelings.
I must say, from a moral standpoint, if either of you or both are involved with other people I'd either end the relationship with the other partners or with eachother. That's not fair and dishonest to everyone. People deserve other people who will love them and be faithful to them.
Well...I also heard a similar story from the radio and they referred to that as "friends with benefits." It's pretty much where two people, married/in other relationships, are not dating each other have many "one night stands." They are not a couple, but they sleep together on occasion and that part of their life is a secret. I actually don't understand why anyone would do this b/c you know it's not going anywhere, so why set up yourself for disaster? Personally, I don't agree to this way of thinking because it opposes the sanctity of a relationship and the sacredness of marriage. I believe everyone can have a "love" of their own, who you can proudly admit that you're in a relationship with.
mistress.
GET
OUT
OF THAT
RELATIONSHIP
NOW
I thought that I was with some chick only to realize that she was apparently "single" the whole time. I still haven't figured out what the hell that means, but I'm advising you to just end it.
If he's got a wife, you're a mistress.
If he's not in a relationship with anyone but you, but he hasn't told anyone else, you're a secret girlfriend.
Seems to me like your fcuk buddy, dear.
@taylorrrxx3@xanga - yeah pretty much.
xo
You didn't specify if the guy is married/in another relationship.
If he is married/in another relationship & you are the "secret"- you are a mistress.
If there is no other relationship, you are nothing but a sex partner.
Are you seriously going to nit-pick what you are called? Does it matter in the end? I don't care about the stupid definitions, if the man you are dating/sleeping with is MARRIED or otherwise involved with someone who isn't you, then you are a MISTRESS, regardless of whether he supports you financially.
A secret girlfriend, is more the girl that nobody KNOWS about, and that doesn't mean he is cheating, he may be a "player" and have multiple girls and therefore still cheating, but it's basically that your hidden, not known about.
And sorry but if you are sleeping with a man(or woman) you know is married and are okay with this arrangement in some form you are a sleazy person. I don't know who is worse the person who is cheating or the person who KNOWINGLY sleeps with a taken person.
Homewrecker? Fuck buddy?
Cough.
@mywordsx@xanga - lol
To the OP, stop it. You're ruining a relationship.
oh man, this hits home. I'm involved with a guy who is married. We met and had fun at the club and came home and had a "one nite stand". But that was not it. We started talking and becoming friends and got to know each other. Its weird because we know this is morally wrong but we found out how similar we were and we were in a different level of connection. Hugs turned into kisses that turned into deep conversations that turns into conversations about family and friends that turns into "thanks for being here for me" that turns into "i like you" that turns into "i miss you" that turns into "i love you" >.< Shit! But we cant deny it, what i have with him adn what he has with me, its unusal and unique.....i cant explain it...
Mistress, secret girlfriend, the name doesn't matter. What matters is how you're both treating your SO.
if you're having sex with a married man OR a man that is in a relationship, you are a mistress. you don't need to be receiving "material support" [technically, a woman who receives material support in exchange for sex is a whore].
since he's not married ... then you guys are fuck buddies aka friends with benefits. just because you're not fucking other people doesn't mean you're bf/gf.
@gatorgirl54@xanga - ikr. Why does she even bother to define what she is? She just needs to get out of that relationship and stop ruining things.