Wednesday, 14 October 2009
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Your SO's Mother and You
I consider myself to be a very tolerant person when it comes to other people. If you don't like me, that's perfectly fine, as I can't expect everyone to like me. I will gladly keep a respectable distance and if we have to interact, I will not give you further reason to dislike me. So long as you don't give me a reason to act otherwise, I will be civil and polite... However, where my boyfriend's mother is involved, it appears to be an entirely different situation. The woman hates me, for no real reason it seems. If I have managed to offend her in someway over the course of my realtionship with her son, I am not aware of it, and if I were I would gladly apologize.
And before someone tells me "Why don't you just talk to her?" ... I have! When my boyfriend and I first got together, I could tell that she didn't like me so I sat down with her and had a long conversation with her. And it was during this conversation that she stated that it wasn't that she didn't like me it was that I was... different from the girls my boyfriend had dated before me. Well, of course I am! Obviously there's a reason that he chose to date someone different from the other girls if they were relatively the same.
And yet, she continues to not only talk down to me when I am in her presence, as well as talk not so highly of my parents, but also bad mouth me behind my back to my boyfriend. Here are (some) of the reasons she gave him for not liking me:
1. I'm lazy (... okay, I may not be in school right now, however I am working two jobs and considering looking for a third. Not only that, but I pay my own phone bill and pay rent to my parents).
2. I'm someone that people get "attached" to easily. And I'm one of those people who just sucks you in. (... well, excuse me for being well liked and easy to get along with! I understand every mother has a certain amount of crazy when it comes to their children, but really!?)
3. I'm too old for him. (we're 21 months apart).
4. She thinks I am taking him away from her. (isn't this every mother's reason for not liking the boy/girlfriend?)
His mother and I have no common ground, she's even gone as far as to forbid him from seeing me for two weeks. To put it nicely, she is very traditional and rather conservative and I am, well, not (and neither is my boyfriend for that matter). But I have tried everything I can think of to get this woman to like me, short of not being myself. I am polite and courteous, when I go over for dinner I help with the preparations and clean-up process.
The most recent thing that she has done to try my patience regards a trip my boyfriend is taking to come home the first weekend of November. The Friday that he comes home is mine and his official one year anniversary and he told her this and also told her that he intends to spend that day with me, while Thursday, Saturday and Sunday are intended for family. So what does she do? She decides to plan a family/Thanksgiving dinner (as he won't be home for the holiday) on Friday at 5:00 and she told him that she expects him to be there.
Needless to say my boyfriend is not very pleased with this and told her that he would not be in attendance. She then accused him of only coming home that weekend to see me (which is not true, by the way), and that she knew I wouldn't mind if he didn't have dinner with me, and that she also knew I most likely wouldn't want to go to this family/Thanksgiving dinner because I don't like any member of his family (the only person I have a problem with is her).
I am at a loss about what to do with this. I feel as though I have done everything I can, but there is no way that I am going to continue to take this sitting down.
Have you ever had a problem with one of your SO's parents? How did you resolve it?
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About the Author
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- From: TakenAVowofSilence@xanga
- Name: Kirstie
- Location: Stow, Ohio, United States
- About Me: It's not important to me whether you are a dreamer, a writer, a painter, a gas station clerk, or if you're living off food stamps. I don't give a shit if you're a hippie or a half assed hipster, an athiest, a devoted Christian, weathy, dirty, Catholic, homeless, Jewish, Buddhist, a smoker, a drinker, clean or shy. I will not judge you. It doesn't matter to me how extensive your vocabulary is, which independent films you've seen, what books you read, how high your IQ is... I will still open the door for you, I promise. And I will let you sit near me if another seat is unavailable. Even if you don't like what I believe in and even if I disagree with some of your ideas, I will fucking respect you. I will offer you some common decency, and not because it's right, and not because you deserve it, but because that is what makes sense to me. I'm a shadow. Neurotic, opaque and drunk with fascination. I'm your friend, and you don't have to impress me, because I'm not here to impress you.
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Comments (32)
Hm, well that just plain sucks. My ex's mom didn't like me, basically because of the same reason (#4) you said. And I think you're right. That's pretty much the excuse that I hear the most. Some moms are like that, no one will ever be good enough for thier son/daughter. Ever.
I just sucked it up. I was sickening nice to her, even though she knew that I had heard all the things she said about me. I gave her no reason not to like me. I did that for a little over a year, and she slowly started to not say as many hateful things about/towards me. I wouldn't say she ever really LIKED me, but she definitely hated me less by the time we broke up.
Now, my SO's mom is like my 2nd mom. She's awesome. We talk about everything and anything. She used to work the same job I do now. I've helped her cook dinners, and clean up afterwards. I guess karma is making up for the awful bitch I had to deal with earlier. ;)
Good luck, though. Try not to let her get to you. Ultimately, it's what your SO thinks and feels about you, not thier mom.
gah, sounds utterly frustrating. his mom seems so stubborn and selfish.
I'm glad you understand! My husband and I are currently living with his mother just until he graduates school, which is in a yr., and pursues his career as a radiologist technician. We're both very young and having his mother there helps a little bit especially with the babysitting when he and I have to go to school at night.
She's extremely helpful when it comes to taking care of our daughter, whom she spoils rotten, and also financially as well. However, sometimes she can also be a pain. She's divorced and a single mom. My husband is her only son, she has another daughter as well, which makes him feel obligated to take care of her as much as he can. You see, I have no problem with him wanting to help his mom but it becomes a different story when he begins to side with her on everything and forgetting that I am even his wife.
For example: I was packing him lunch one day for work when she suddenly stopped me in the middle of the process to complain about how he didn't like it packed this way and that I needed to separate the vegetables from the meat. You see, I'm all about convenience. Why use up 20 different tupper wares when you can just stick all of it in one? Needless to say, I had to repack everything and all the while she was standing there observing me making sure I did it right this time around.
But that's just one of the many cases where she has gotten on my nerves. I hate the fact that she treats him like a baby. Like he can't do anything for himself. And if that were the case, I'm his wife, I should be doing all that for him. MY WAY. He's my husband.
Anyways, unless you've given her a reason to dislike you, don't pay mind to it. It'll just irritate you even more. What matters most is how you and your bf feel about each other. Eventually, if you guys do get married, she'll have to put up with it and maybe you'll eventually grow on her. Who knows? Good Luck!
Yes, I did. I left. End of story. End of drama.
Aw, I don't really have an advice,
but good luck and I hope things get better.
Meh. The relationship b/w a boyfriend's/girlfriend's mother is based on luck or the connection you both have.
Well, my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years now. The only contact I've had with his mom is through e-mails and the occasional 'hi' or 'happy new year' or something when he's been here and was on the phone with her. In less than two weeks though, he's going to be moving out here to my state and his parents are helping him with the move. So I'll be getting to meet them then. Hopefully the 'you're taking him away from me' thing doesn't kick in then.
God I hate mothers like that. cut the fucking umbilical cord already, you know? Sigh.
I, sadly, forsee future problems with my boyfriend's mom. First of all, she is extremely conservative, and I'm not. We've had pleasant conversations about choir and a few other things we have mutual interest in, but I don't like her views on how to raise children (seriously, who homeschools through elementary and middle school and then sends their kid to public high school? Talk about socially awkward, which my boyfriend was, and I'm not saying I'd change him for anything, but I just don't agree with her parenting methods) or what's "appropriate" for us. For instance, when he's home from college she says it's "highly innapropriate" for him to come to my house at night. He and I have had sex (unbeknownst to her) but it's not like every time the sun goes down we're getting busy. She lectured me on the dangers of driving her son back to his college (1 1/2 hours away) at night. Also, my boyfriend is considering transferring back here for the rest of college and if he does, we would be getting an apartment together--something that would make his mom flip her shit, because she doesn't think you should live together if you're not engaged or married. Preferably married.
I'm sorry that she's so frustrating. Just keep being nice to her, that's the worst thing you can do. ;)
Wow. I'm sorry to hear that. My last girlfriend's parents both hated me for no reason. I was nice to them and tried to talk with them, but the mom would just not respond and the dad would try and lecture me. Haha, glad I got out of that one =P
With my current girlfriend, I couldn't be happier! I get along really well with both of her parents. Her mom and I talk a lot and have fun conversations about this and that, and even though her stepdad didn't quite like me at first, he's very nice to me now.
Sometimes, it takes time to "prove" yourself to some parents. If you and your boyfriend get along well, and you make him happy, hopefully his mom will realize it and get with the program. It's sad when parents try to force their kids to make a decision between them and the SO. A lot of times, the parents end up losing, but it's really a loss for everyone =(
Good luck!!
I don't know. his mother loves me. He's away at college but we still see each other behind him and talk on the phone. I went 2 weeks without stopping by to see her or calling her and I got a long voicemail from her asking me if I died. When i called her she scolded me for not calling or visiting. I seriously love his mother and I'm able to talk to her and enjoy her company. She is a very open and warm person though and even though he's her only child she doesn't mind me. I'm more shy and she's been trying to make me come out my shell for the past 2 years. It works.. sometimes I feel like she wants me as a part of their family more than he does..(he's not great with emotions he got that from his father).
Good luck to you. think about it this way one day she'll die and if you can stick out for that long then why not. other than that, maybe it wasn't meant to be because when you marry someone you marry their family (that can be a great thing or a terrible thing.
Ouchies,.. but honestly all you can do is be yourself and deal with her the best you can (sounds like you're doing a really good job too!).
My mother in law and I get along fine. Me and my stepmother in law? Eh, we disagree. She thinks I hate her or I'm snobbish because I don't talk to her. Um, I don't talk to anyone. I'm s areserved person. I'm not shy, but if I don't have anything to say, I don't say it. I like silence. She has complained to my husband about me a few times, and it's caused some problems, but not much. It's my father in law who's a pain. He's very very controling. It makes him turn into the hulk if my husband chooses what I say over what he says. I just ignore him and pretend I don't bother him, be myself, and act like nothing's wrong (which makes him more angry, but by then it's really funny- to me at least, not to hubby). I'm just myself around them, and they're not crazy about me, but they don't hate me either.
If she's not making any effort, it's pointless. Just stop hanging around her, and tell your boyfriend why. I doubt he'll make you attend a bunch of family things. My parents heard I was engaged, and haven't even bothered to ask for his name. Sometimes it just happens.
That's aggravating....
My SO's mom doesn't speak English (he and his family currently live in Denmark, but he wants to move to the US with me). So...guess I'm lucky?
My boyfriend right now- his mom drives me CRAZY. First time she talked to MY mom, all she did was talk about how nice her ass was. She's using the child support that should be going to help pay for my BF's college tuition towards her shiny new house with her new husband, but makes him pay for his cell phone bill, insurance, school, etc. by himself. The woman won't even give him money for clothes- he may be over 18, but he's going to a great art school and works, etc. She helped pay for his books last year, I THINK, but never stops nagging to clean this, clean that, etc. He essentially lives at my house, but she makes him clean the moment he gets home. He's nineteen, and she's recently imposed a curfew for him- 11:30 or he can't come home that night. She's a breast cancer survivor, but she's not the kind that you feel bad for- we were at her house the other day and saw that NFL teams were wearing pink for BCA, and she was like "You all should be kissing the ground I walked on." And always guilt trips him about how she could have died, etc. She supposedly got thyroid cancer a few weeks back, and guilted him into staying home a lot more, but every time he asked about her tests, she had nothing to say...and slowly she stopped bringing it up, which leads me to believe that she was lying from the beginning. She doesn't have any respect for me whatsoever and talks down to me whenever I'm in the room- and behind my back as well, I'm sure. She demands that I get my cat neutered, brings it up EVERY SINGLE TIME I'm over there, but of course she's not paying for it. I don't know why that matters anyway. I'm not allowed to stay "late" over there for fear of ruining her precious other son's morality codes or something, but she had no problem with me staying there for a week while she and her husband went on their honeymoon. We've had sex over there probably seven or eight times the entire time we've been together (16 months), but he says that she's pissed because apparently we always do it at her house.
I could go on. Basically, she's a tyrant.
@yet_still_learning@xanga - U proved her right and u lost the battle. if u keep letting the inlaws run u away you will never be happpy. U might find a man and this time his mom could be even worse, what u going to run away again?????
Im actually going through something like that with my husbands mom, my husbands dad and i get along very well, but his mom and i dont really get along to much. she always has something to say no matter what. in the begining it use to bother me alot and i would never speak up because i didnt want to make it worse. but as i got older and i started to see that if i didnt speak up for myself it would continue and get worse, so whenever she would say something that i thought was wrong or i didnt agree with her on i would say no i dont think so and put my two cents in because before i use to just agree with everything she would say because i didnt want her to think i was being disrespectful. but thats all change because im not goin to sit there and get walked on by ANYONE. and now that i have been that way she has calmed her shit down because she knows i dont take that shit. I was always raised to be respectful to people that are older then me but i was also tought that i shouldnt let people walk all over me either.
I know ur probably tired of having sit downs with her so what i suggest is as long as she isnt being rude or disrespectful let her say whatever she wants or do what she plzes because obviously no matter what u say or do she isnt going to like u so why even bother. i gave up along time ago and my mother in law see's that so she has backed off some and she see's that she cant get to me as much as she did before and when they see that they start to back off so see how that works out for u.
My motto is....im not married to his family im married to my husband and all i should be worried about is our relationship and thats it. let others say what they want but dont let it bother u and if it does dont show that it bothers u...just not worth it.
Wow...bitch.
It might make you want to kill yourself, but have you tried being sickeningly sweet to her?
Why do women do these things to each other? Our own sex should be our best friends and allies, but so often it doesn't work that way. Concentrate on your relationship and ignore the power-struggle as much as you can.
I have had problems with my SO's mother; he was younger than me by 2 years; we were still in school; I left him. Too much trouble that I didn't need. Maybe when he's older. Oh, she had a valid rreason though -- he needed to concentrate on school.
From watching my mother & my older sister's interactions with their mother in laws I would honestly tell you to get out before it gets too serious. Not kidding. My mother struggled with hatred from my grandmother for years (she passed away when I was 10) and my sister is constantly complaining about her overbearing mother in law. You will be stuck with the inlaws for life. I know it shouldn't make or break a relationship but it can really tear a couple apart. Chances are she won't ever change...it may even get worse if you guys do decide to get married. If I were you I would weigh the pros and cons and decide if being with him is worth putting up with his mother.
Unfortunately, many girls have one of those bf's mom or mother-in-law stories. Sad thing is, from what I have been told by many married friends, everything is fine up to marriage talks. Once those conversations start, people get touchy and things can get out of hand. Here are some tips to get your bf's mom to like you.
But sometimes, really, the best thing to do is to avoid them...http://bit.ly/40P7oj. This is what Jessica Biel does. http://bit.ly/2FgRPw.
I hope things work out for you. And if it doesn't then just avoid her like the plague. And everytime she does something petty, you do the opposite so that your bf or husband will know how much bigger of a person you are. He will get the idea. He's not completely ignorant.
I have been there. You can't please everyone, and you can't let this woman get to you. You don't sound lazy at all, and your boyfriend knows that's just as bogus as you do. the attached to comment sounds more like she's scared he'll get attached and you'll leave him, but it sounds like the relationship between you and your man is pretty strong. 21 months apart can make a big difference, but that depends more on the age you're at now. She still sounds like she sees him as her baby, which also explains the taking away from her thing.
Now let's look at the relevant facts: You are still being you and taking the high road! Good for you! Your man is standing up for you against his mother, and making his boundaries very clear. Good for him! You found a real winner and between the two of you it sounds like you have a very strong relationship.
As long as these facts remain the same, maybe it's better that you ask him to stop telling you when she's badmouthing you. You don't really need to know, and it's just making you go crazy, which won't look good or in your favor. This way you can stress less, and your boyfriend will never feel like YOU'RE putting him in the middle, because you won't be spending your life talking about her and the hurt feelings, but rather spending time with him, strengthening your bonds, and having a blast.
Stop worrying about whether or not she likes you. He's going to make his own decision with or without her. As long as he likes you, just relax, be polite, and be you.
Think about this: She's going to be a great grandma... she's already made her entire world revolve around you, just think if she could just that power for good instead of evil the wonderful ways she'll be able to spoil her grandbabies.
OMFG this is the EXACT situation i'm in. my SO's mom is FRIKIN crazy. as if i had a choice to have peanut allergies or not, she told my SO to break it off with me because i have peanut allergies, and i HAD an ulcer. apparently both are bad for our future kids. they got into a major fight this past thanksgiving (canadian) and my SO broke his phone. its so dumb. his mom HATED me for no reason before (probably because she didn't know me), so one day we talked things through and then she LOVED me. then afterwards, when she invited me over to their place for the weekend, i didn't bring books to study, so apparently she thinks im lazy as well, that i'm studying a useless double major (excuse me for not going into medical sciences), that i spend her son's money (WTF?! we spend the same amount!) and uhm, OH, get this one - his mom called up one of his friends, and told him that she didn't like my eyes. YES. because i looked STRAIGHT at her when i talked. sorry, am i supposed to...shift my eyes...suspiciously when i talk to his mom? honestly, its fucking ridiculous. we're both straight A students in university, and we're both going to be doing our MAs soon, and she's still not satisfied?! i cook, i clean, i do everything for my SO and im still lazy. i have no comments. i don't even know what to say to her. when i call, she thinks im sucking up. so i didn't call for thanksgiving. now i have bad manners. WTF?!
oh yeah, AND i'm older too. by 21 months as well. i kinda feel like i could've written this frustrating post LOL. its so similar to my situation :P
Ohhh yea.
My ex's mom. She loved me at first. Then she invited me over for dinner. I told her it was delicious and I thanked her. I helped her clean up and then me and my SO left. Well about two weeks later she decided she hated me. Apparently I'm rude. I could tell what the real reason was though. Her son was coming over to my house everyday and he would be with me all day. I'd cook him dinner, clean up after him, etc. I was taking her baby away from her.
And then with my other ex...people that weren't even related to him had problems with me because I'm too quiet. Yea...I'm a little shy. The weird thing was I had met them when I was with the guy I was first talking about. They liked me a lot then. I don't know...
Anyways...you have to decide if the relationship is really worth it. If it is...then just stick it out and try to gain her approval. Good luck!
megh :-\ that sucks! i am slightly intimidated by my bf's mom still, idk. i suppose i ought to try and get to know her better. i feel worse for my bf though, my mom is not really quiet about her disapproval of certain things....