Tuesday, 13 October 2009
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I Hate My Boyfriend's Past With Drugs
I have known my boyfriend for a total of 10 years. You could say that my boyfriend and I grew up on the opposite side of the tracks. His parents were divorced when he and his sister were young. He lived with his mom sometimes and he was living with his dad and grandma when I met him. They didn't have a lot of money and figured out ways to get what they needed. His step-dad was a drug addict and is permanently screwed up to this day because of it. I met him when he was going to church and didn't believe in premarital sex. I grew up in a big family with both my parents. My dad was the sole bread winner and because there were 9 of us in my family sometimes times were a little tougher, but we always had everything we needed. There were no drugs or renting out a motel weeks at a time because we didn't have anywhere else to go.
So now jump to current time. My bf and I have been back together for over 2 and a half years. We live together and plan to get married. We get along great, we have similar humor and care about each other greatly. He knows about my past with my fiance, and I know about his past with marijuana. But like I said, it's in the past and both of us agree that we are in different places in our life now. I found out after we had gotten back together that he actually did cocaine for a while. I also found out he used to drink in high school. The thing about that though, is that I never find these things out directly. I always hear about them when we are at a party or his friends house and I'm sitting next to him while they tell stories or reminiscing. Once in a while when we are sitting around at home and have a few drinks he will tell me some thing like that about his past that I didn't know.
Last night we got in an argument. We were at his sisters house and basically the area she lives in is known for being "small town." Everyone knows everyone and their little sister and everyone has done and still does drugs of every kind. Including my bf's sister. I feel kinda out of place, but I try to hang because it's my future sister in law and her son and I want to be close to them.
Drugs make me uncomfortable. I am not a square. I can deal with being around pot, but I know what my bf's done and I don't like him doing drugs PERIOD. He was talking to some guy that he didn't know and the guy offered him Vicodin. I wasn't really paying attention, but I heard that and said, no. Drugs are my red flag. Especially when we are over at his sisters house, and especially if my boyfriend wants to get some from someone he just met He asked if I wanted one too. And then I told him if he was getting one to get me one too.
Apparently that really upset my boyfriend that I said no and he got all pissed off and told me that I don't run his life and he can take whatever he wants when he wants. That I need to relax that it's just a Vicodin. That I embarrassed him in front of everyone (in reality it was 2 people one being the guy and one being my bfs sister). That he doesn't want to do any drugs that he used to do. The argument continued like that. This is not the first time, nor will it be the last that I react in that way. It's just a reflex. Does anyone understand where I'm coming from?
It's not just that I don't like that I'm subject to being around the drugs and put in uncomfortable places. It's also that my boyfriend makes me feel like I am not "good" enough for him because I don't have the same experiences as him. I'm not "good" enough because I'm not cool with drugs. I'm not cool enough to be around druggies, and can't relax when people are doing drugs or offering them to my boyfriend, and so therefore my boyfriend makes me feel like i'm being completely stupid. He said his sister gave him a look like WTF. So now apparently she thinks I'm stupid. If I embarrassed him, I apologized for that. But I honestly just didn't think about it.
Sorry this is such a long post but if anyone got through it, I want your opinion. Is anyone in a opposite relationship like this? Does your boyfriend or girlfriend's past come back to haunt you constantly and cause tension in the relationship?
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Comments (63)
I don't like that you found out about certain parts of his past from other people, and not him. In the ideal relationship, he would have come straight out and told you about those kinds of things, because it's important to know. He really needs to just tell you the truth about everything he hasn't told you, because it isn't fair of him to hide these things.
His attitude about using drugs, the way he acts superior to you because he does them and you don't -- that's not good, and I'm sure you know that.
It also sounds like he thinks other people will look down upon you for not doing drugs, which if they are, then they aren't worth your time. No one should look down on anyone for keeping themselves healthy and not subjecting themselves to mind-altering substances. The fact that you don't do drugs is something you should be proud of, and he shouldn't make you feel bad for it.
He needs help, but I don't think anything you say will help him realize that. I think eventually, with people like this, they need to have something life threatening happen to them, so that they realize that getting involved with drugs like this is just not a good idea.
My own personal view about drugs is everything in moderation, but it sounds like for him, this whole drug thing is getting out of hand. It's turning him against you, and has the potential to take over and ruin his life.
I can understand that you your upset about HOW you found out about his drug past, but let me tell you as a former addict, ONE, it is sometimes difficult to talk about and share it because some people can be judgmental about things like that.
If you really do love him and want to be with him, you need to talk to him, and NOT JUDGE him, let him know you;d like to know more/talk about his past and be open and honest about how you feel. But you can't judge him.
If he gets mad at you for not doing
drugs/being uncomfortable around them, then sorry, but I think he's a
jerk. You should be proud of yourself for not doing drugs. And he
should respect that.
i know exactly how you feel. my boyfriend is pretty much the same way. i can't let him know what i think without him calling me controlling and getting a huge rant about how he can do what he wants blah blah blah. and i've always had to question him or hear about things from other people as well, he never just tells me about things like that. or he will tell me, but it will be months maybe even years later. the thought of him doing drugs and drinking just makes me sick. it's not that i am super anti-drug or anything, but when he's the one doing it, i feel so strongly against it. it's hard, but i guess the past is the past, and guys hate being advised or 'told' what to do.
i haven't been in relationships with anyone who does drugs but i do know quite a few people who have been and still are involved with them. the neighborhood i'm from is the poor neighborhood, the one the police are always in, the one that you hear the crime stories on the news, etc. everybody does know everybody - it's very tight-knit and brought together by two things: high school football, and violence. the hs football is a different story, but people are brought together by violence because it's touched everybody in the neighborhood in some way or another, and some more personally than others. i've always been understanding of the violence, of the drugs, of the crime, of everything, but i've never been a part of it. i know why the people do what they do. i'm never happy to say that a good friend of mine struggled with drugs in his early life (12-16 years old, roughly) but i am happy to say that he's past it and focused something better. however, not everybody will move past it. it's gonna stay with some people forever. they just can't move forward with their life no matter what opportunities come their way. the drugs and violence have affected them too much. it's taken over their lives. and as much as they want to change, they can't. they will end up dead or in jail, and they know, and they can't change it. even when it goes too far, even when they see the people they know and love getting killed by drugs and violence.
bottom line, drugs are a part of who some people are. they will never be able to escape it. not everybody is like this, but alot are. it takes more than seeing someone they know get hurt from it. it takes more than people telling them to stop. some people just aren't able to. i'm happy that, for the most part, your boyfriend has been able to stop. but the reality is, as you saw at his sister's house, it's still a part of him and will be a part of him. just because you can accept it does not mean you can forget it and act like it never happened.
i'm not telling you that your boyfriend will go back to his old ways and end up dead or in jail. what i am saying is that this was a part of his life, always will be his past, you can't forget it or ignore it and hope it goes away. this is who he was at one point. it's always a part of him. and because you attacked that part of him, i fully understand why he was embarrassed. his family knows that part of him better than anybody else, and you attacking it embarrassed him in front of them. i wish the best for him in his recovery and sobreity (if sobreity is the appropriate word to use...?) and i hope that things work out well for the two of you. you have to understand who he was and where he comes from, especially since you knew him during that time.
I totally understand where you're coming from. I really don't know why i have such a big problem with people doing drugs but i don't like it. I know my new bf has done pot and i also know he was/ maybe still is a big drinker. That makes me really uncomfortable but i also don't want to address these things with him because i don't want to be a nag. I'm worried there will be tension we've only been dating for a little over a month and i have a feeling there are a lot of things i don't know about him and i can see me getting worried when he's out with his friends that he is doing these things still...i didn't realize my dad was doing pot until i was 20 and he continues to do so. good luck i'd say the best thing you can do is try to talk to him about why it bothers you and to try and figure out for yourself why it bothers you
What's wrong with him taking Vicodin? It's just a pain-killer.
@unfx@xanga - Very true, the worst thing you can do is make him feel like you're controlling him. Because men will retaliate.
I hate drugs so much. It just totally messes people up - I know from 2 members in my family who I hate and am never talking to again.
@steph - "with people like this, they need to have something life threatening happen to them, so that they realize that getting involved with drugs like this is just not a good idea."
i understand where you're coming from with that statement, and not to be rude, it's a bit ignorant. not ignorant as in, you trying to be above that and put yourself above it purposefully, but ignorant in the sense of not understanding and not knowing. for most people who do drugs like this guy does, they know that they will end up in jail or dead from it. they know it better than they know themselves. but that's not what makes them stop. for most people who are too far into drugs, nothing will get them to stop. it's unfortunate but it's the truth. so i know what you mean when you think that it's as simple as watching a fellow addict and close friend OD and then bam, you've got the will power to stop. but in reality it's just not like that. it's much more complicated than that.
example: someone very close to me was shot and killed, someone very close to my whole neighborhood. shocking. terrible. awful. wrong. etc. and it wasn't just lonnie. plenty of people in my neighborhood who are close with others (we're a very tight-knit neighborhood - everyone knows everyone) have been shot and killed. but did seeing that happen - seeing one teenager shot dead and another locked up for it - stop the violence in the neighborhood? no. the people who carried guns before still carry them now.
bottom line, if you do something and you're too far into it, it's gonna take more than a life-altering (or even life-threatening, as a subset of 'life-altering') experience to stop you.
@AznFier@xanga - "What's wrong with him taking Vicodin? It's just a pain-killer."
Hahahaha.
I think drug usage is a core issue that both members of a relationship should agree on. I know you love the guy but you're not going to be able to change him. He has to want to change on his own. Suggest he gets help and leave.
I think you have every right to refuse to allow him to do drugs. You're his girlfriend and future fiance and the drugs don't just effect his health and his life but your life, as well. Relationships are all about compromise AND sacrifice. If he can't give up drugs for you, then he obviously doesn't feel your relationship is that important to him. I can understand him being embarrassed but I also understand that your reaction was almost like a reflex; I would have done the same thing.
My boyfriend got drunk at a party and made out with another girl four months into our relationship. We've gotten past it and I've forgiven him but one of the conditions I outlined for taking him back was that he would not get drunk again. Ever. I don't have a problem with alcohol as long as it's drunk IN MODERATION. There is no need for people to get drunk to have a good time. I've never been drunk or done drugs in my life and I never intend to. I've seen what drugs and alcohol has done to people, even those closest to me, like my father. I don't have my boyfriend to become an alcoholic like my dad did. And when the subject comes up, I make myself perfectly clear about it. A friend of my boyfriend's invited him to a Halloween party this year and told him there would be drinking there. When boyfriend told me that, my immediate reaction was NO. He's not going to that party, he's definitely not going without me, and if we do go, he's not drinking. Period. End of story.
Talk to him. Tell him just how you feel. It's one thing to be a controlling girlfriend but it's quite another to be a concerned girlfriend who's just looking out for her loved one's best interests. Drugs may start out as fun thing to do, a recreational activity of sorts, but they will ALWAYS spiral into addiction if nothing or no one steps in to intervene.
oh wow this is crazy.. i wouldn't like my bf to be experiencing drugs either.. that would definitely be a red flag for me too.. i couldn't handle having that around me.. you really have to decide what is right and wrong for you
Have you looked into Alanon?
I would really think twice about marrying him. (trust me I speak from experience)
I haven't really been in a relationship THAT opposite, but drugs are my red flag as well (I don't have anything against alcohol, as long as they are an occasional drinker).
Honestly, you guys need to talk about his past. Especially since you found out a lot of it through other people. You need to get all of that out in the open and this incident and tell him how you feel. Communication is how you work these things out if they can be fixed.
Wow if my bf did drugs or offered me some I would just flat out dump him, drugs fuck people up!
My exboyfriend was into weed and shrooms. He always pressured me into doing them. I gave in because I was 18 and naive. I was always afraid that when I was withim that he'd get busted by the cops and i'd be right there in trouble too. Becareful with this guy.
@christ_has_bled@xanga - "If he can't give up drugs for you, then he obviously doesn't feel your relationship is that important to him."
again, people like you just don't understand. drugs is not something you can flip a switch on. it is a lifestyle. unhealthy and wrong as it may be, people who do drugs do them for a reason. i am not condoning it but it's not something you can just stop for one person.
people really need to understand the entire situation before they can judge. you can't just stop drugs. giving up drugs is not like giving up chocolate for lent. in a relationship you are supposed to sacrifice and be able to give things up for each other and accomodate your lifestyle for the other person but it's just not that simple with drugs, or with anything that addicting. drugs, alcohol, etc.
to you and to everybody else who doesn't understand this, because you must experience it firsthand or be extremely close to someone who experiences it firsthand, please know that you need to understand everything about a person to be able to judge them. do not assume just because he was addicted to drugs that he is this way or that or that he can just give them up and forget it ever happened. that's just not how it works.
This guy sounds like a child. You embarrassed him by standing up for yourself and being clear about your boundaries with regards to drugs, and his reaction to that suggests that he doesn't fully respect you or the relationship.
I understand that some things are difficult to bring up for people who have a less-than-perfect past. But finding out major things about your boyfriend's past behavior from other people is a real red flag. Be careful with this guy.
if you let it go after he has said "its my life I can take whatever I want when I want ... it's just vicodin".. what makes you think he'll change his tune when you guys get married? Its his life and he'll do as he pleases, is what I'm hearing. Abusing prescription drugs or street drugs is the same regarding whether it's good for you or not. Its not. Btw, its not JUST vicodin, it's addictive. There is no good or logical reason for him to be taking them but for his own selfishness, or possibe drug problem. If he can't respect your wishes on a no brainer subject like this, what would happen if he one day became breadwinner and you were a stay at home mom. will he say "its my hard earned money, i will do as i please!" at that point, just keep in mind.. you'll be stressing a lil more then, than you will now.
my husband used to smoke weed everyday, and take a lot of xanax and vicodin. We've been together for 5 years, and he's only stopped doing them in the past 6 months. It took me almost leaving him for him to actually want to change.
Most of his family also smokes weed, and they think I'm a controlling bitch because I don't want him to do it. And I really don't care. It just shows how stupid they are.
If your boyfriend is still taking pills, I can almost guarantee you that he's still smoking pot. He's probably just really good at lying, and you're naive about it, so you believe him. I would really think long and hard about marrying him. As much as you want to change him, you can't.
See, to me it's not the fact that it's drugs, it's the fact that HE is not the one telling you these things, that is the red flag.
My boyfriend has a past with drugs, most of the recreational and mind altering variety {ie, mushrooms, E, pot etc... not meth, cocaine, crack, heroin etc...}The only times that bothers me is when we are discussing My own personal curiosity regarding certain substances. He has a habit of acting like I Do Not Know what I am getting into, Forgetting the fact that I grew up supporting someone very close to me, addicted to crack, Forgetting that I have watched people almost die, do the silliest things because they simply could not help it. It bothers me to be have my Own past disregarded. Just like it would hurt to have your Own Opinion disregarded.
'its my life, i can do whatever i want'
if you two are planning on getting married, it's not his life anymore. it's not your life either.
you changes to we, to us...that's marriage.
'just a vicodin'-hahhahaha, it's a persciption drug that is not perscribed to you... i remember nights that i spent puking up my insides and shaking on the ground from 'just vicodin'
and, it's addictive. what a great way to diminish your liver. -_-
When it comes to him not talking to you about his past, I can understand that. Me and my boyfriend both have a dark past in family matters and drugs. We don't waste time talking about the hard times...It hurts. You don't want to remember..Or atleast I don't.
We focus on the now and the brighter things. :]
But, I can relate to your situation, because I have been drug free for a while now...And my boyfriend is known as one of the biggest druggies in my town. Everyone knows him... And now that he doesn't do it, it still follows him...And me.
well, goodluck..and be careful.:)
My boyfriend used to smoke a lot of weed and cigs. then he stopped for a LONG time. and did it again for his birthday party which was in august, then a couple times recently. It used to really bother me because our first actual fight was when he was high, cause he over reacted over a picture that i refused to show him (it was a picture of my plan to ask him to winter formal, so i definitely didn't want to ruin the surprise!)
and we got in another arguement over this weekend cause he blazed on friday and we got in a huge argument. that's why i don't like weed really. =\