Tuesday, 13 October 2009
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Dating Etiquette: D.A.D (Dating after Divorce)
I don’t get how people can date/get engaged before being through with their current one? Religion aside, marriage is a LEGAL contract that creates kinship. Yet I hear and see people (especially celebrities) being with someone when their divorce isn’t final or even right after it’s announced!!The divorce is between whoever is involved and I’m not judging them for it. For me personally, if I had to (God Forbid) divorce my husband, I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating until all ties are severed and I didn’t have to deal with him again. Unless it’s uncontested or mutual, a divorce can take months or even years because of extensive checks & making sure who gets what and so on.
I get that people can "not be together but not feel like their in a marriage" and some just plain heal quick, but everyone needs time to breathe after a break up to....right?? I read a few years ago that it’s not proper to date until a year after the divorce. It sounds kinda 1950s, true, but I mean jumping from the pan into the fire so soon? Isn’t that technically a rebound relationship?
What’s your view on quickie dating after a divorce is announced?
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- From: Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga
- About Me: *~Te quiero. Me gusta tu voz. Me quieres? ¿Tienes novia? ---Mi Amor~* Hola. This is Mina! <3 I smile when I feel like it so don't force me <3 As with cheeses and fine wine, I get better with age but I dont act the age I am. LOL <3 Proud Lady of Cherokee, Blackfoot, PR, German & Black decent. Haters stay away! <3 If you want to talk to me, speak to me like the lady I am & leave the street talk where it belongs, in the street. Mommy raised me better than that! <3 Single but not desperate <3 Anime & Manga fanatic for life! <3 Love me or leave me because I won't change for anybody. I've lost friends over this but then again they weren't my friends if they treated me that way right? "You may feel alone when you're falling asleep, And everytime tears roll down your cheeks... But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet. Someday you will be loved... ---Ghost Girl"
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Comments (25)
I think everyone has a different timeline. Some people buried their relationship years before their divorce, and were just ready to move on (hence, the divorce). Typically, the ones you see dating straight out of marriage are the ones that instigated the divorce. Otherwise, I see no problem with rebound relationships, as long as YOU know that they're rebounds. Don't pretend they're anything more, until you're more stable. The fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
I posted something similar about this. Hopefully it will go up. It could be that they were always dating but just never let anyone know, or it could be that they feel that they need to be in a relationship even if they're still legally married to someone their divorcing. You heared about Khole and Kim Kardastian (whatever how you spell their last name)...I heard they're getting married too soon too.
Usually you have to go through a separation period of around 6 months
(and even longer if you have children) before your divorce can be
finalized. You're supposed to live in different places, divide your
belongings, go through the motions of becoming separate people, etc.
It's unreasonable to think that after all the time someone spends
deciding divorce is the best option, they'll wait anymore.
Most people who are divorcing have already gone through the grieving period long before the actual divorce takes place, sometimes months or years before the one being divorced. But yes, I agree with you. Time alone is important after any type of seperation.
Everyone's different. Some might take a few months to fully recover from a divorce other might never will. It usally depends on the circumstances that eventually lend to the divorce.In my case, my current SO was still legally married whenever we started dating (that i didnt know) but they had been separated a good 8 months before we even started seeing each other. So in all fairness you cant judge ppl based on their past. Sometimes you just gotta let it go.
Everyone is different...When my mom and dad divorced, she was already talking about marriage with her new man, and it took my dad five years to actually have a serious relationship again.
I would rather most of the legal stuff be over with before I start dating again. Samething with getting over him. I would get over him first before going out with new men.
I, personally would wait until the divorce is final. I would be in no mood to deal with the ex-wife and all the complications that occur during a divorce. It's just a messy situation I don't want to find myself in and rather have him deal with the stress.
However, going back to your question. Sometimes during a divorce and even after, I would assume that you would just want to get on with your life and put the past behind you. So, if it means dating right after or waiting a bit, I don't see the problem in that. Divorce can sometimes cause you to feel lonely and sad and having someone who can be there for you, helps. I guess everyone has their own opinion about that.
@Shy___Away@xanga - very true and well said
@RazorBladeParade@xanga - That's correct, but it varies by state. Also I am separated and without children. In VA, being married less than 5yrs and having no children, it is only 6 months waiting period. With dependent children, it is one year. With adult children, it may be 1 year too, but I'm not sure and too young for adult children. lol
I agree it is best to have all the legal paperwork done. At the very least the separation agreement papers should be filed. I think it is best to wait until being official divorced (or annulled), before dating. This is my individual preference. Still everyone is different, and I can respect that. Plus there is a fine line between dating and friendship these days.
Again, the boundaries and limits should be clear, which is my very strong opinion on this matter. I believe that this is best for both the separated individual and the "rebound" person. IMO No one needs the extra stress, drama, emotions and confusion but rushing into a rebound relationship.
Everyone's different, some people just can't wait to get out there again. And some want to make sure that all the legal stuff is taken care of so that there's no drama with the new person they're seeing.
When questioning whether you should be with a person that hasn't officially divorved or not is more whether the person is fully (mentally) divorced in his/her mind; meaning being separated for over a year or so already. If that's the case, it's just a matter of paperwork.
Otherwise, if they aren't divorced in their mind, I'm sure you don't want to be the side attraction. Imagine if the person changed his/her mind and wanted to "get back together" with their current partner.
Soemtimes that person they're dating is the reason for the divorce in the first place, os I guess they think "Why not be open now?"
i would never date someone before my divorce was finallized. maybe it's crazy, but i'd see it as cheating, even if my spouse and i were no longer romantically attached. if he did that to me, i'd only want to divorce him more.
@sombraluna@xanga - I know, my father has been divorced twice. He still had to wait 6 months and he was married to his second wife for 12 years.
well in perspective, the relationship is over, just technicalities are still being processed.
in south carolina, the time-frame for divorce starts at a three month separation and goes up from there (depending on circumstance). i was married, but filed for divorce on the grounds of physical cruelty--almost a year and a half later, i'm still waiting on things to be finalized, because our court system is so antiquated.
i've been dating someone for several months now. i was surprised at the vast amount of support i received from friends, family, and people in the community. i think when it comes to abusive relationships, the people around you are just glad to see that you can be happy again.
initially, it was extremely difficult for me to call what i have with the new guy a relationship, even though the emotional attachments i'd had to my soon-to-be-ex husband had been severed the first time he hit me (which was, unfortunately, long before i finally filed for divorce). i did all of my personal reconciliation while i was still actively married to him. when it came to dating again, i found that i'd done the emotional prep-work in the process of coming to terms with the fact that i needed to file for divorce in the first place.
my new relationship has been built very slowly--even now we're light-years behind "normal" couples--so i'm thankful that the guy i'm with is so understanding.
no matter what kind of situation you're coming out of, it's natural to (eventually) want to be with someone else. as long as you've worked through your emotions and can find someone capable of understanding and dealing with where you're coming from, i say go for it...just proceed with care.
Why do you think so many second marriages also end in divorce? Moving too quickly into a new relationship without taking time to reflect upon why the previous relationship ended. This can also happen in relationships, it's just a rebound and not likely to last.
i think it depends on how the person feels towards the relationship that is ending. i've known people who have been in relationship WAY longer than they should (6months to a year) and emotionally it's just not there for them. for 6 months they had already felt like the relationship/marriage was over. what's so wrong about finding someone so soon after a divorce if you felt like you should have been divorced a year ago. if you meet that one person who makes you happy and smile more than you ever have, why put it on hold?
I agree that a divorce requires a signifigant non-dating, get-your-head-straight mourning period. No matter who instituted the break-up and why. However, in reality I observe that people follow one of two patterns. Either they find someone within a few months of breaking up and re-marry quick, or they stay alone and lonely for years. They have their self respect and independance, but somehow have missed that window of opportunity of meeting someone. Of course there is hope - it could come around again!
I don't think I'd start dating until my divorce was finilazied, but who knows I'm not even married - and nor have I been divorced, I'm too young for all of that. But, I think I'd wait at least a year - I don't know, it would just depend.
@TangMSU@xanga - I see that happening alot, which is why I wrote this post. Sometimes even after the marriage is legally dissolved, people say they still feel married or whatnot & they have issues.
@soyeahthatswhathappened@xanga - Same here.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - That's true & I get that but I would rather have the ties completely severed & live on my own that be worrying if I still have my house after the divorce is decreed while I'm on a date with someone else. haha.
@zubes5806@xanga - Oh dont get me wrong! I'm NOT against dating soon after or even during if you're comfortable. I'm talking about people that JUST left. For Example, Nick Lachey waited like what? 3 weeks? That's just a bit fast to me. I just see it happening alot & then the relationships go so badly. That's why I wanted other peoples opinions. I've even seen people REMARRY within months of the divorce. That's too short of a time to say you really know some one. The feelings may be there but you should explore then first dont you think? Right after I submitted this post, a celebrity couple I dont follow announced they were getting a divorce & the thing with them is they left their spouses for each other.
just because the divorce is in the process of happening, doesn't mean the relationship hasn't been dead for a long time.
not that I'd like to date someone who was married... or in the process of divorce...
@raspberryjade@xanga - I get that but I was making a point about dating straight out the gate. As in they file the papers & 2 days later they're on a date. That just seems a bit weird to me.
My (ex) husband and I recently separated (have to be separated for a year before the actual divorce can take place) and before we agreed and talked about it, our relationship was or have reached dead end for a year or so already.
But I gotta agree with you. I don't understand how someone can hop into a relationship so soon when they're not completely done with their previous relationship either. Most likely, those relationships are just "rebound" relationships or those relationships were already pursued before their marriage came into an end.
Don't know but I wouldn't want to date or hop into a relationship so soon after this one. I don't like to "use" another person's just so I can get over my broken relationship.
sometimes people just stay together for the children and don't really have a marriage. being separated from my wife still means that I have to put up with her BS. i will have to deal with her mental/emotional issues (and yes, she has been diagnosed as such by psychiatrists), for the rest of my life because we have a child together.
as far as dating - emotionally, i was ready to date the day after she moved out. you can tell that you aren't romantically or emotionally attached to someone else if you have no problems with the mental picture of them dating or being intimate with someone else (and no, i'm talking about normal folks here, not someone with a 'swingers' attitude).
i was only staying married for the sake of the children, our relationship died years earlier than our marriage.
how then is it inappropriate if i were to date someone before the divorce is finalized? it's not like my ex will go away after the divorce - we have a child together. it's not as if i still have feelings of romantic love toward her. obviously, i would only go on a date on an evening when neither child was at my home, so it wouldn't affect the children. so what is the big deal?