Saturday, 10 October 2009
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I Don't Know How, And I'm Afraid To Learn
Today I have decided that I do not know how to be in a relationship...And I'm afraid to learn. Sure, I've had a few relationships when I was younger...But they didn't go anywhere. Now I'm older and the person I'm "talking" to is older and I am at a complete loss.Picturing a future with someone is scary, especially if you're just starting out because you have no idea how far it's going to go. And yet, I don't want to go into something knowing that it's going to end, I want to go into it feeling hopeful that it won't end. Perhaps that's where my thought process goes wrong.
Everyone keeps saying that honest and open communication is the key to a successful relationship, and yet, I feel despite all my fears, he seems to have none. He's taking it slow so maybe he's never thought about the things I've thought about. Maybe he's never considered what it'd be like to be together intimately because we want to wait til marriage. Maybe, he's not thinking about what it'd be like to spend the night together because we're not "there" yet. I'm a planner. I think things through. I go through the past and the future and all I've come up with, is that I'm scared.
I'm afraid of being hopeful, just to have him lose interest - just like all the rest. I'm afraid of being distant and protecting myself, just to have him feel neglected and leave. I'm afraid to keep my heart locked up and I'm afraid to give it up.
Relationships are terrifying. How do people do this?
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- From: oXSweetAviators@xanga
- Name: Jennifer
- About Me: Hi Everyone, I'm Jen and I'm 18. I'm a musician/artist/writer/actor/dork. Xanga is just something to pass the time =] Hopefully (if you're reading this) I've posted something of interest that you've liked. =]
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Comments (33)
Blind faith.
Ya know hun all i can really tell u is take it a step at a time and day by day, u have to set ur mind up for positive not negative thoughts because you will not get nowhere with a negative mind set, just enjoy ur time day by day with this man and ur love and relation will start to grow and dont run or get scared when it starts getting better and better, it just means ur doing something good....GOODLUCK!!!!!!!! I HAVE FAITH IN U EVEN THO I DONT KNOW U BUT I SEE U WANT THIS TO WORK AND GOOD THINGS WILL COME TO U JUST TAKE UR TIME.
sometimes I have the same thoughts but those are the thoughts that hinder progress....always being fearful hurts you more then help you so I try my hardest to push those thoughts of failure to the side.
relationships are no doubt very complicated....because not only are you worrying about your feeling sand where you maybe yrs from now...but where the other person is feeling as well...Its all too much to worry about sometimes but you just give it faith and you have that hope that it will work out.
I always wondered about realtionships and why we put so much effort and time when in reality it could all come falling down. But thats the risk you take for love.
if it werent for the struggle and the uncertainty then the prize wouldnt be as satifying. but then you have to remember...once you have that ring on your finger it doesnt mean its forever.
just take that chance. open your heart and you maybe pleasantly surprised.
openly talk with your man and things will become easierr. goodluck
Oh my goodness. I feel like i'm going through the same thing as you are. The person that I'm seeing now is getting serious about the relationship, which scares the jeepers out of me because I've never been in a relationship. I'm a planner as well, and I do like to think things through because I want to know what I'm getting myself into. I wish there was a way to know that things will work out, but I don't. I feel like I can get so worried about the future that I lose focus on the present. You really do have to take it a step at a time. BoStOnIaNMoMmY gave a great advice---- think positive!
Good Luck!
Over thinking and planning too much is detrimental to the relationship. I'm trying to get over that myself. In the end you just have to let go and move day by day. Have an end goal in mind and discuss things with your SO. It's hard and quite scary, but it's worth it. At the end of the day, you spend less time thinking and more time enjoying you're relationship. That in itself helps a lot.
I dunno, hmm
but good luck.
sometimes the more opinion we shared, it seems that the picture we get is not what we expected...
yep, many to learn in a relationship, not only for one side, for both sides.agree with kieri126, just talk to you man, see if it helps.if not, it's better to choose some close fds to talk to and get some advices.or else, just find sth to do...... that's what he always tells me to do so.i dunno if it works, but i could try.
@solidsnake8462@xanga - a very good advice thanks...esp the first sentence you just mentioned. am a planner too. lol
I'm pretty sure I've thought all that stuff.
You're only 18 years old and you still have a lot of growing up to do. You don't seem to be quite ready for a relationship. If he is taking it slow that's a good thing. Your fears I could understand if you were older and not have much luck at relationships, but at your age you shouldn't have to fear anything and just have fun. Take it a day at a time and go with the flow.
"I'm afraid of being hopeful, just to have him lose interest - just like all the rest." - You are comparing him with other guys and that isn't good. You clearly don't have faith in him. You think he will do the same as others have. If you trust him then you should know he won't do that to you. If you keep thinking that way you will never be happy with any guy.
Your lack of trust and insecurities will push him or any guy away. If you go into a relationship thinking it's gonna fail then it will. I think you need to focus on yourself and forget relationships till you are confident enough to be in one. You have many years ahead so don't feel like you need to be in a relationship just to feel grown up or whatever the case may be. How much older is he?
Older men will always want more out of a relationship. So perhaps you shouldn't be with him if you can't handle it. Maybe being with someone your own age might be easier. However, I think you really need to work on yourself first and deal with your issues. You may hear that all men are the same but that is not true. Someday when you are ready, you will find the one for you and you won't have any doubts about him. Good luck!
@boricua_chic_2008@xanga - I totally agree with you you are right.
Maybe finding someone your own age is a better idea for you, but good luck with your current relationship and really communication means alot in every relationship.
The great thing about dating is getting to know someone else while you get to know yourself as well. It's the little moments that add up with the emotions you feel for someone that creates a strong bond. Sure, it can be nerve-wracking but those special moments and lasting memories make it worth the while.
Remember, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger just don't take crazy risks. Then again, if you're too guarded you miss out on getting to know a possibly wonderful indivdiual. Be sure you have a strong grasp of your own identity before you fall for someone else otherwise you're in danger of losing yourself in a relationship.
somehow i never had this problem...my first serious relationship started when i was 17, and it just kind of...flowed. i think neither of us really thought about it, and that was our salvation. when i decided to end if four years later...that was the result of the thoughts you're having now. but you don't need those in the beginning!
thing is, are you ready to get married? no? then, don't worry about whether or not this is the guy. you only commit when 1) the person is right and 2) the timing is right. sure, you have no idea if this will work out, but living in the present can make all the difference
Or to an extent I am still..
But it's all about finding the right person.
One who you don't have to try too hard to be with
Someone it's natural and u just feel a connection
I mean it doesn't always have to be a person who you
Have evrything in common with
But the one who u feel comfortable with
And when u find this person
It takes no effort or thinking at all
They can be a great thing. But honesty and communication are not the only things but they do help. Just about all of them are obvious to see, or will be pointed out. Sorry I'm not much help.
I would love to know as well! I have only been in one relationship with a guy i have known for 1 and a half years before we dated, and it lasted a year after we started dating. I have never been this scared in my life, thinking of starting all over again - with someone new because quite frankly i dont know what im doing an even if i want to go through it again.
I took the chance and opened my heart to my ex. And I've gotta say, those 4 years were just amazing. Even though we're not together anymore, the break up made me stronger and I have no regrets. But I say, take your time until you're ready and when you're comfortable. Good Luck =)
Let go of your fears. You only get this one life to be happy, and if you let things hold you back you're not happy. Just remember if its ment to work out and last it will, and if the relationship doesnt go anywhere than its a life lesson learned. You can't let your fears keep you from living and from loving. Remeber that.
faith indeed! but having him as my best friend for 5 years first helped. a bunch. i'm not a trusting soul lol
You stop thinking and just, feel. Listen to your heart, shut your brain up. Really feel. People are afraid of emotions, they make things sticky.
First of all, I like to disagree with you. He's moving slow and may not be thinking about the future too much, but some point in time he will, but he won't be very good at expressing those thoughts. Second, you will never go anywhere if you always think about the "what ifs." Since he's moving slow, just move slow and give yourself some time to warm up to this relationship. At the start of a relationship, no on knows if this is the right person or if they'd end up married happily ever after. Planning is good, but you are thinking waaaay too much.
Breathe.....
The only reason why you're scaried is because you think too much about positive and negative possibilities (more on the negative end). It's always better to live in the present and hope for the future. If you're happy with him now, that's all that matters. If you like spending time with him, like his character, like how he treats you and just like being with him, that's all that matters. If you're scared, ask him for courage and maybe you'd find that it's not that difficult. Just breathe and enjoy the moment and only think of the future as your relationship grows over time. For now, enjoy your present relationship with him if you really like him.
its worth the risk in the end :)
Relationships don't really mean anything, it's just chemistry. A girl I knew once told me, "People hook up because they're bored."
The more I think about it, the more it's true. Hell, I just came back from a date, but I want nothing to do with a relationship. I have NEVER felt anything remotely special for a person. Like she said, I'm doing it because I'm bored.
If he leaves you, so what? There are plenty of people on this planet. Chances are, you will ALWAYS find someone better than the person you married. If you genuinely like him, he hurts you and you feel hopeless. That feeling won't last forever.
Nothing lasts forever, it's human nature to move on. If you expect a "happily ever after", you WILL only get hurt. People eventually lose interest, it happens. Don't feel bad if it does.
- Kunoichi
Haha, relationships scare me too. Perhaps too much. "How do people do this?"--I've wondered the same thing.
The way I see it, you kind of just have to be able to take the chance and know that you'll be able to handle it if it turns out ending badly. You have to be willing to risk it.
"I'm afraid of being hopeful, just to have him lose interest - just like
all the rest. I'm afraid of being distant and protecting myself, just
to have him feel neglected and leave. I'm afraid to keep my heart
locked up and I'm afraid to give it up."
this is SO well-said.i wish i could give more props.
shut off your brain and turn on your heart :]