Saturday, 10 October 2009
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Commitmentphobia: How I Became a Coward
I've known for a while that I've been avoiding getting heavily involved with women or at least I'd get involved as far as a relationship wasn't on the cards. I've mused over the benefits of having a girlfriend and thought about how it might be nice to have someone I could share special moments with and such but I never really delved into the reasons behind my aversion. Being in a relationship just hasn't felt like the right thing to do for quite a while.
Next year, it will be five years since I've had a proper girlfriend. That's a decent chunk of my life and probably half of the time that I've actually been of dating age. Seems a little ridiculous really but I realize that I have been actively avoiding getting too involved with the women I've been “friendly” with – not letting anything get too serious or simply putting myself in situations where relationships just had no possibility of working.
Don't get me wrong, I have had girlfriends, when I was younger. There were a few during my teen years. I full on head-over-heels loved my girlfriend the last two years of school before she broke my heart but that's childhood-sweetheart style stuff. I got past that after a while and starting dating a girl at university and it went well for a few months before I abruptly broke it off.
She was confused; I said we were getting too involved; she said I was the one driving the relationship forward. She was right; it was all my own doing. Completely inadvertently, I was rushing head-first into a relationship, all the while professing that I didn't want a girlfriend. I was an asshole to her (in hindsight). She may actually hate me now (though not for that reason – we did stay friends for a few years before I really pissed her off beyond repair but that's another story altogether).
Hindsight is a wonderful and torturous thing. I realize now that I've been afraid but not really fearing relationships or commitment but more afraid of myself. You see, when I get myself involved in something or someone, I have a habit of going in completely full on. Be it a new job, a new sport, a side project, anything, I'll be there jumping over the edge, grinning but not looking first. I can be a total hopeless romantic, so when I want to be a boyfriend, within weeks I'm there with flowers and chocolates and silly movie-like feet-sweeping gestures of love. I forget all sense and spin wildly out of control.
It was whilst dating that last girl when I decided I wanted to be more in control of myself. It's probably got more to do with my childhood heartbreak than I give it credit for. I guess that deep down inside, I know that if I let myself start getting emotionally attached, soon enough I'll be gone the whole nine yards and eventually it's going to end badly for me. When I'm that invested in something, it's highly unlikely that I'll be the one to end it.
So, there it is: I'm holding myself back; I'm not giving any woman a chance because of something that happened years and years ago. My reasons for staying single, usually that I'm just waiting for the right girl, are really just excuses for my emotional self-cowardice. Having realised this, though, am I really willing to change it just yet? I'm really not sure. I don't know what (or who) it would take for me to throw caution to the wind and let my inner romantic loose again.
I know that part of me misses the feeling of love but I've been doing alright for the last five years. Or am I just making excuses again?
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About the Author
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- From: MelancholyRambler@xanga
- About Me: I like semi-colons and proper spelling and grammar. I like reading mundane blogs with no agenda. I like to go down the pub, even if I'm on my own, and make friends with the bar staff over a scotch on ice. More often than not, there is someone I know there I can hang out with. I don't like people who incessantly go on about their weight or only talk about their supposed problems with drugs or alcohol and my pet peeve: the tragic love lives of the "lonely". Okay so all these things are very sad but it's all I ever seem to hear about. Aren't you people bored of talking about the same stuff all the time?
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Comments (17)
exact same situation man. haha to commit or not to commit.
At least you recognized you have commitment issues. Kudos to that! But honestly you're the only one that can help yourself. Are you really ready for a serious relationship? If you are then yea go ahead and give everything you've got. Whats the worst that can happen? Okay okay maybe a hearbreak but even those are treatable. lol Dont deny yourself or others your love. You never know what might happen. (=
well, if you wanted to get over your "issues," you could set deadlines for yourself. date a chick exclusively for like 3 months and give yourself the option of ending or continuing the relationship, and then do the same thing 3 months later. during those 3 months, actually give the girl a chance, and remind yourself that if you do give her a chance and it doesn't work out, you can end it in 3 months.
You just gotta step back and look at whatever relationship you're in objectively. If she's worth committing to, there's nothing else you can do but either jump in or turn tail and run. It's harder to do the former, but once you start and you've made up your mind, it's hard to turn away.
flip a coin. heads: commit. tails: well try it again in another 6 months.
I don't believe the theory that all "commitment-phobes" are that way because some chick broke their hearts a long time ago. That's nonsense. Relationships just aren't for everybody, and we should stop trying to force everyone to conform to it. Don't do anything that doesn't feel right to you, you will just end up miserable.
Also, there is a big difference of being afraid of commitment and just plain hating commitment. Which one are you?
It seems like love just isn't worth it anymore. I suppose I'd rather not deal with it if I keep getting the same results.
Ah you're never going to get over wanting that something. But I say if there is a girl you have in mind just go for it and see where that takes you. AH big point, don't go putting high expectations for someone. It takes time to see how great someone really is and putting up such high hopes for a relationship may just end up turning you off when it's not just right.
wow, i am impressed with your insight. i think a lot of guys are in this same position- partly, i believe, because we women are allowed to show our disappointment and heartbreak way more than guys. my last bf was like this, and it really hurt me. i think you're smart to be taking some time for yourself, but think about this: how are you using that time? are you mostly just doing your thing and forgetting about relationships, or are you really working on yourself and thinking about what you want for your future, relationship-wise and otherwise? i'm doing that right now, and it's really helping me clarify a lot things.
yea I am impressed with the type of analysis and self-evaluation you can do. the fact that you're doing this, shows that you do want a change.
i don't think you should jump into a relationship now, just to prove something to yourself...but as someone said, i think baby steps would be important and small goals and deadlines.
you also need to make sure you're giving yourself to someone who is honest and worth it. there's a lot of shady people out there.
i like the way you studied yourself and realised what you wanted and did not want. now you know who you are and this will help guide you in th enext relationship which i thinkwill the best every because you know who you are. i say it is real for guyz to admitte what you have admitted.
Having had one too many relationships with men similar to your experiences..I can say, it does go away after time..in fact, the man I love now (and who loves me as well) used to be a commitment-phobe...You've already realized what you are doing, and that you don't (appear) to like it which is great that you are acknowleding it....despite the mixed feelings you have(which mainly sound like you want love again)
First loves are hard to forget...but it has been proven that those who have loved typically find love again, and find it much more easy than those who have not.
Five years is a bit of a stretch, but when the right person comes around, you may find yourself having the same feelings as before..the fear yes, but you may come to find the fear is something you will have to sacrifice for something much larger. Who knows.
Best of luck :)
just get over it or you'll die alone
thanks for putting it into words.
You are doing well by evaluating your past and trying to fix things...but sometimes you must try to move on or you'll be unhappy for a long time. I met this amazing guy right after I got out of an extremely bad relationship (the guy cheated on me, verbally abused me, etc.). I listened to my best friend's advice to wait to make sure I am ready for another relationship. I kept myself away from the world for almost four months. I barely spoke to anyone and then one day, I just said, "Sonia, you need to come back to life." It was not worth being unhappy and being afraid to commit to a relationship because of one going sour. Take as much time as you need to feel like you can commit, but don't make yourself unhappy over it for too long! =)
I believe commitment isn't something to be rushed, and the reason you don't want to, is because you haven't found that person yet.-- But you should keep in mind that one day you may wake up asking yourself if you'll remain single for the rest of your life. The older you get, the harder it is to find someone decent. Its when you get really old that you realize "the commitment" would have been one of the biggest and most important investments of your life. Ppl love the feel of being in love and being needed and wanted by someone more than anything. How true it becomes when you are old and you only have each other... and/or your children.