I came through to a friends pad to go to a bar. When I arrived the two were fighting about something and I knocked and waited outside. After a time he walked out of the house and brushed past me, giving me a gruff, "Lets get the f*#& out of here." Not surprisingly she came after him shouting, "Where do you think your going!" When it became evident he was finished talking to her she stood in my way and shouted at me, "Where are you two going!"
My response was well practiced, "Shouting at me isn't going to get you what you want."
All the momentum went out of her and she just stood there. I had presented her with a brick wall and she slammed right into it. She was still angry I'm sure, but for a good five seconds she didn't know what else to do. In those five seconds I made my exit and proceeded to the bar with my friend.
The phrase has worked very well for me in the years since I've learned it. It works well against both men and women but I've used it most effectively against women who expect men to let them walk all over them. The phrase never disappoints and every single time has made the opposing person shut up for a moment.
How do you deal with a shouter who thinks that the loudest person in the room is the winner of the argument?
Comments (27)
what about when one isn't shouting? i know for myself i never should when im mad to get my point across. then what do you do? do you still walk away?
I'll have to commit that phrase to memory for use in the future.
I told my bf that once during in argument in a, "I dont know how you want me to respond when all you're doing is screaming at me, " manner. It didn't work. He just got annoyed he wasnt getting his way & stormed out of my car.... so it doesn't always work. I do think the majority of the time it is effective though.
youre friend sounds like the asshole here... you cant walk away from a fight without making it seem like you dont give a shit. obviously something was the matter if she was that upset.
lol. i need to remember that phrase seriously. haha
@softaswater@xanga - Oh I agree. Simply because I'm the protagonist of this story doesn't make my friend the good guy. I took it to mean that he would rather be out on the town with me than getting into an argument with his old lady. There's little doubt in my mind that once he got back home the argument resumed.
@dearFLOPPY@xanga - When a person isn't shouting at you the phrase is useless. But then again when a person isn't shouting its easier to talk to them.
Hehe! Well played.
I'd just let her shout nonsense, then say what I have to say, to let her know how less I am listening to her, if she shouted at me.
I was in this situation a month ago. In retrospect I think you should leave the situation so that person can think through and maybe reconsider their stance or behaviour.
I tell him/her to STFU and listen to ME
if he/she wants to intimidate me with shouting, it isn't working
lol
Excellent line! People commonly shout when there are barriers (such as walls) or distance between the communicators that impede ordinary communication and they feel their message is not getting across. In an argument, shouting is the result of an emotional reaction to barriers, but the barriers are psychological and rational. In saying "Shouting at me isn't going to get you what you want" it reminds the person to think about what they actually want (objective oriented thinking processes) and makes them realize that they are being emotional, and that is not conducive to obtaining their objectives. In an argument, behaviour that is directed towards a resolution will always be more effective than behaviour that is governed by [emotional] reactions.
Most importantly, the point of an argument is not to be correct, but to persuade the other person that you are correct. Persuasion requires credibility. When people are convinced that they are correct, they often forget that correctness and credibility are separate and different things, and that persuading someone who disagrees with you that you are correct requires both.
Awesome line! I didn't think it would work that well but apparently it did. It's a little annoying when girls (and guys) insist on fighting when there's a friend or company around. I think it should've stayed a personal matter and really yelling at you wasn't going to help anything.
@Parsimony@xanga - I agree, nothing good comes out of shouting...this being learned first hand.
So in that respect, I think that it was a good thing the friend walked away. It gives the couple time to think about what they're fighting about, and how to approach it with a calmer demeanor...and if the couple doesnt want to think about what they're fighting about to only resume the confrontation, then they're both at fault.
Shouting or using vulgar language only escalates the situation...my advice would be to back away, give each other space, and talk when both parties can calm enough to resolve the fight.
I usually just tune them out or walk away because it doesn't matter what you say, they're just gonna get more pissed off and yell some more. Seriously, when people get into the yelling and shouting stage, they're on a roll and nothing you can say will get them off it.
ahha nice comeback!
The people in the picture look like they want to eat each other's faces off.
When I'm mad, I'm one to yell and scream unfair things.
Then I realize how harsh they are and I kind of breakdown.
Speak in a low voice so that they can see how ridiculous they look/sound.
LOL what if you're just naturally loud whenever you get excited/mad? that's my problem
the phrase wouldn't work on me ;)
I would never in a million years drag someone else into an argument with my boyfriend like that. At worst, I might snap at him in front of someone else if he makes me upset, but even that rarely happens. Yelling at someone outside of the situation is very rude and it shows an embarrassing lack of self control. I personally would never want to appear so unable to control myself in front of my boyfriend's friends.
hmm well next time im using that! haha
I just don't even dignify the shouter with a response.
Awesome phrase.
That's actually a phrase similar to what we are taught to use at the preschool/daycare I work at when the little 3 year olds start screaming.
I don't like that line at all only because when I was arguing with my ex, he was being a complete asshole to me and then when I finally lost my temper he told me something similar. It only made me more mad. Who does he think he is? It's ok to treat someone like crap but God forbid someone finally not take it anymore and stand up for herself.
@LlothoftheDrow@xanga - I feel like that with my guy sometimes.
I keep my cool and hardly ever yell, but when I can't take it and I scream at him the way he does to me, I'm suddenly the one who's overreacting! I just really have no way to get my words through. I constantly feel drowned out. :/
I just hate yelling in general. It's so pointless. Screaming your words does not make people listen.
The problem here is the woman is obviously being verbally abusive, YES, screaming at someone IS emotional abuse. You can shut up an emotional abuser in many ways, but my questions is, what's wrong with the person who CHOOSES to stay with the emotional abuser? They both have problems, one is an emotional abuser, and the other doesn't have enough self-esteem to permanently leave the abuser!
Hannah