Earlier I posted this blog, Part I, which you may or may not want to read. The two stories are basically unrelated, but you'll probably understand what I mean by my title better if you do read it. Anyway...The boyfriend that most of you know about, S., and I have always had a rather strange relationship. Mostly because I'm really open-minded, lol. Since we started going out, nearly two years ago (it would be two years in November), he's had a few crushes. And he's always told about these crushes. Same with me.
I left him (and my hometown of Houston) last year to come to college here in Canada. I don't really regret this decision, except for the fact that I wish I had chosen a warmer climate... but I digress. Before I left, we had a talk. We were going to split up, because neither of us thought a long-distance relationship would really work. I told him something along the lines of, "I think you should find someone who can really love you and be with you all the time - not like me, because I'm just going to break your heart over and over again when I leave you." And he told me, "I want you to find a guy better than me, one that isn't younger than you."
So we tried that out, but it didn't work. We still loved each other too much. We still wanted to be together. He even got a "girlfriend" for a few days, but that totally didn't work out (she didn't actually like him). In the end, we said, "Screw it, we're pretty much still together as it is, so let's make it official again."
And so we ended up being together again. He told me repeatedly not to say that he needed someone better than me, because I was the best for him, and he didn't want anyone else. He told me repeatedly that he didn't want to break up with me, even though I was gone most of the time. He told me repeatedly that he loved me. Even at a distance. And he told me that I should never say, "You should be with someone else who is closer to you" again - he said this even just last week.
This summer we were living together for three months. It was a great three months. I guess he got used to such close contact with someone he loved.
When I left, everything between us was fine and dandy. He started school again, and so did I. We both met new people, obviously. And he discovered another crush. Let's call her Julie H.
A few days ago, he asked me, "What do you think about open relationships?" I told him my opinion (that they're usually cool, but you have to set the exact boundaries of what an open relationship is going to be, otherwise someone will probably get hurt). This question was just the start. He continued by saying that he wanted to be in an open relationship with me, so that he could also pursue this Julie H - who also really wanted
him.
It was my fault. I shouldn't have been okay with it, but I told him I was.
And then, the next day, he told me that he didn't think an open relationship would work. He asked me what he should do. I said, "I can't decide for you. You need to do what YOU want."
He decided what he wanted was a break, so he could pursue Julie H for a while. So he could have the feeling of being in a loving relationship with someone closer to him. The exact thing that he'd told me he didn't want, and that he'd convinced me I shouldn't worry about.
(What made me extremely angry about the whole situation, though, is that he asked me if he should lie to people and say I had broken up with him, because that's usually what everyone thought would happen, since it seems everyone believes I was far too good for him... But I told him he should tell the truth, so he has.)
Again, this isn't the girl's fault, really. It's mine, really. Perhaps if I weren't quite so obsessed with putting the happiness of others before my own, these sorts of things wouldn't happen. But that's how I am, and that's what
does happen - I lose the love of my life to another woman, because I want them both to be happy.
I'm going to end this here for now, because just thinking about it is really hurting.
I suppose I'm going to have a fear of Julies from now on, though.Have you ever fallen into the trap of an open relationship?
True 
Comments (23)
Ahhh, I haven't, & I don't think I would allow myself to. I don't like the idea of open relationships at all.
I never believed in open relationship because I am way too possessive. If I am with someone, that person is MINE and mine alone. Maybe it's a flaw but I don't care. I mark my territory too...
Nope.
I'm pretty much against open relationships, myself. Last time a girl mentioned the idea to me, I told her "sure, go see other guys. Just don't expect to find me waiting when you're done."
I don't believe in open relationships because you like you stated, someone is bound to get hurt. Call me traditional but if you're in a relationship, it should consists of only two people. When you bring more people into the mix, the more complicated and stressful it becomes. Because now instead of tending to one persons feelings, you have to learn to tend to both. Also, it's enough headache committing to one person but making two commitments or more? It's just a messy situation, I tell ya.
I'm a clingy, attached, and selfish person. I hate sharing when I don't have to and I won't. I'm not opposed to the idea but I'm not for it either.
No, I've never fallen into the trap of an open relationship and if my SO suggested the idea then there must be something wrong with him if he feels the need to find love from two or more other people. He's probably insecure and feels that if one relationship fails, he'll always have the other.
No. Way.
But I have a friend who did it and it kinda messed her up.
If you want me to be your girl, you better be alllll mine.
I've never fallen into the trap of an open relationship... yet. I hope to god I don't! I really feel for you. the bottom line is, he reassured you, made you feel like you were the only one blah blah blah, and basically threw it all in your face afterwards. You shouldn't blame yourself. You tried to be a good, honest, and considerate girlfriend. He's an ass, and if he comes running back, don't even think about taking him in.
All in all, I think open relationships are ridiculous. It's just another way of saying "I want you, but I wanna stick my fingers in other flavors of pie too." And people who get into those... well, they can expect to be really, really hurt in the end.
Hope everything gets better for you.
Nope. I think I would feel like I cheated on my boy even if we were in an open relationship. And it would destroy me if my boy asked me if we could have one...
I'm always asking my boyfriend if he thinks he'd be happier in an open relationship - sometimes I think i would be. But, he says he's happy with what he has and he doesn't like the idea of an open relationship - so it's never been more than just asking for an opinion.
I don't think I could handle it though. the jealously would get to me. I hope that no matter how much I think i want that, it never happens, and I never fall into the trap of such a thing.
I hope you're doing alright. :)
i'm definitely not all for open relationship. Either you want t be with me or you dont. and if you dont, that's fine. just be happy. Just do what YOU want to do. But tell me, so i dont have to go through the motion you know.
kind of... I had an ex... we dated for a while, then she wanted to take a break. Reluctantly, I agreed, and then we sort of became friends with benefits for a time... it was prety much an open relationship. But then she wanted certainty, and we got in a big arguement, and stopped talking for a year. But we're cool now. Just friends, nothing more.
The idea of an open relationship is great, until the other person finds someone they want to fool around with. Then, no matter how cool you think you are with an open relationship, it will suck. If you really care about someone you'll want to be with them, and chances are them being with someone else with bother you. If it doesn't, do you really care enough to be with them at all?
1. He chose another girl over you -- it wouldn't have worked out anyway, even if you had said "no" to the open relationship.
2. Be careful of Martyrs' Syndrome. I mean yeah it sucks that you did this for him to be happy and it blew up in your face. But be really careful to avoid putting yourself in situations where you're sacrificing your own happiness for another person's. It doesn't usually work out, and if it happens too often you'll turn into one of those people with a "martyr" mindset-- unhappy and bitter.
Be careful! People who are generous and have a strong sense of empathy can all too easily fall into this trap, and it hurts. Try to find a compromise where you can both be happy, and if you can't find one and it's something that really matters to you-- don't back down to keep the peace and make everyone comfortable. Ultimately, you can't be responsiblefor the choices others make and the emotions they have. In the long run, your relationship will be better -- and your partner happier -- if each of you is responsible for voicing your own needs.
All of my past relationships have been open and I am in an open marriage. Not all people are meant for open relationships.. it's all about boundaries and rules. The thing is all parties have to agree. It's all about working together and intentions of both parties.
Trust. Dedication. Communication
No open relationships for me. My boyfriend is mine and mine alone. He even says he does not want to share me with anyone, and i've never mentioned open relationships! I'm not opposed to others doing it---whatever floats your boat.
@feelslikejuly@xanga - Same hereee
I'm against the whole "open relationship" idea but when you really think about it... No one ever ever ever marries one's own first boyfriend/girlfriend right? Before people get married, people "try" or go through many relationships to get to "the one".
If you look at it from a logical standpoint, shouldn't the idea of an "open relationship" become more popular since you're "trying" many people out at once to get to that "one"?
Open relationships? nah. I don't like the idea. I would rather have a clean break than that.
@LonerB@xanga - Haha I agree.
My Mom's name is Julie haha
I don't get the idea of open relationships. -__-; It seems rather pointless unless you want more love and more sex.
I never been in an open relationship and wouldn't be. I don't even date people who date others at the same time when it's just at the dating phase. I also don't date others. I never have. Once, I got caught up in this situation once with a man who believed in the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I tell whether asked or not because its emotionally responsible. I think things need to be clearly defined between people. If I knew a man was dating another girl too, I would drop him. It's unacceptable behavior.
"Perhaps if I weren't quite so obsessed with putting the happiness of others before my own, these sorts of things wouldn't happen."
play the victim much?