Sunday, 04 October 2009
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I Love You For Who You Are
Why does it seem that every time I turn around “I love you for who are” gets thrown around like its nothing but just meaningless words? And why do we become a victim when ever we hear those words, even though we find ourselves changing for the best but mostly the worst?
In my last relationship, I had dated a guy for over two years who had never loved me at all. He said he always did, but looking back on how he treated me it wasn’t love at all. When we were together, I use to always hear “I love you for who you are” constantly, but it always seemed as if he could never accept me for who I truly was. He knew who I was, how I was, what I liked, what I disliked, and I could go on and on with this. But, he always tried to change me to whom and how he wanted me to be. And I always thought since someone loved you for whom you truly were that they wouldn’t change a thing about you, since that was what attracted them to you in the first place.
As my relationship went on with this guy, I realize how much I changed myself just to have him accept me more and to love me no matter what problems we may have had. In his words, he wanted to change me because he was afraid of losing me to another guy. And in this relationship, I lost everything including my confidence. I was everything he wanted me to be, but not who I wanted me to be. And even though he wasn’t satisfied with who I was he continued to say “I love you for who you are” until I finally broke loose from his control.
After I left the relationship, I was a very confused but a very changed person. As much as I wanted to change into the person I used to be before I meet him, I just couldn’t do it. I realized who I truly was, who my friends truly were, and the list goes on. And to be honest, I was glad that I was a changed person even though I did have my very moody days wishing on things that will never come back, and waking up regretting every single horrible moment that happened to me in the past.
Maybe I’m not making any sense. But, for a person to love you for whom you truly are, they must accept everything about you, including things they know they cannot change.
Have you ever wanted to change something about your SO? Have you ever changed yourself for your SO?
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- From: LifeSux19
- Name: Olivia
- About Me: I'm 20 years old. I live in NYC and I love to blog about everything.
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Comments (29)
There's nothing major I'd want to change about my SO. I don't think I've changed myself for my SO, but I might have.
I would never change myself for someone else and I wouldn't expect a guy to change anything about himself for me.
I dated a guy for a while who, before we dated, smoked marijuana. I told him that in order for us to date, that had to stop. He hasn't smoked again since, even though we broke up. My current SO loves me for who I am. He sees my faults, and encourages me and supports me in changing them, but loves me the same, even if they never change.
I think loving someone for who he/she is is more than seeing the faults and looking past them. If I had some dangerous flaws, and a significant other wanted to change me for the better, I wouldn't want to fight that. Now, if we're talking about someone just being picky, then that's a different story.
Actions speak louder than words. Too true.
My last SO lied to me probably 50-100 times over the course of three years, and I was always asking him to change.....
I changed for my SO, not because he asked me to but because of his life example and because I felt like he deserved it. I became less self-absorbed, more attentive of other people's needs (like he is), more helpful, a better daughter, a better friend and overall a better person. Not all changes are bad. I also became more athletic and phisically active cause I wanted to be able to keep up with him in his hobbies. He changed for me, too. He started reading more books and seeing more movies and TV shows so he could keep up with me when I started talking passionately about them.
I tried to change myself for someone. Fat lot of good it did me...then I realized it was useless, harmful and a waste of our time. I picked up, and grew up. End of the old story, start of a new.
I once tried to change for a SO because I could tell, subconsciously, that we were drifting apart. I thought that picking up some of his same interests or trying to be more "in tune" with his feelings and desires would keep us together.
Changing someone else? I don't think I could do that. If I don't like that person's habits or personality, I would probably eventually get fed up enough that I just move on.
I think i tried to change my ex, but it never worked. Trying to change him, made me change who i was or who i was starting to become. I became more withdrawn, and things didnt work out with us obviously. It was dead wrong for me to try change him. It backfired on me.
I really mean that when i say that...and i have to admit that sometimes i do say it. I really do love my bf for who he is. When i first started liking him i was head over heels but now that we've been together for a while i do see that he has flaws, and that isn't negative, because i love everything about him and even those flaws...
Yes i have changed, but i don't know if it even qualifies, because i'm kind of different around everyone, and constantly changing. I hide my deep dark secrets from people...sometimes.. uh of course i try to hide my sadness and anger if i have it, and negativity, to be the nicest person i can (it's not that i'm not normally, i just like to show my best side)...does that count as changing for people?
I don't think I'd ever change for my SO and I wouldn't expect my SO to change for me either.
I've changed for my SO. Subtly, and I don't believe he was attempting to change me. The changes that I'm aware of happening were from conscious efforts on my part; I wanted to be a certain way and I wasn't, so I made myself be that way. Or closer. I'm not quite there yet.
Changing for or because of someone else isn't necessarily a bad thing. It depends on how you're changing and whether or not you want to be that way. There's a difference between being bullied into believing you're inadequate and being encouraged to speak your mind more or to pursue things you want to pursue.
As for trying to change my SO, well... there's nothing I want to change about him anyway. But yeah, if he did something minor that really bothered me, I'd ask him to stop. Which would be asking him to change that aspect of himself.
It's a matter of knowing what's reasonable and compromising when you should without being a pushover.
I changed for the better. Before I met my wife, I had a serious relapse in my sex addiction. My ex who had changed me for the worse had caused deep psychological matters so I went and did what made sense to me: I had sex. My wife made me rethink my ways. That is the most major change that happened to me: I went back to therapy on my own free will. And when one therapist failed, I ended up finding another and the cycle. Dealing with my problems...
Though my wife says that I would have changed anyways and that a spark occurred for myself, not because of her. Though my personality, it didn't really change all that much. I guess I just became more comfortable with you I am.
my boyfriend and I have a healthy relationship. We grow together but who we are remains the same :) sure there are things about me and about him that annoys the other, but we learn to compromise. We learn TOGETHER to either put up with it, or to change it so that we maintain a somewhat healthy relationship ^^ Sometimes change isn't bad, but i DO love my boyfriend no matter how he is, he doesn't have to change if he doesn't want to because he is already an amazing person in his own right (if he wants to I'll learn to accept it), and I can honestly say he feels the same way about me. We don't try to change the other person, but we try to grow together FOR the other person. I don't know if that made any sense
If you love someone, then you love them. All of them. You take the bad with the good. Sometimes it's worth it, and sometimes it isn't.
I don't think I realized until AFTER the relationship how much I changed for my SO. My personality was different and everything I wanted to accomplish was put on hold for someone who SAID they loved me, but they didn't love ALL of me. I just didn't see it. Now, I've found someone just as crazy as I am and unique, who loves me for me. All of me!
I changed myself after we stopped being so close. Unfortunately, too late. And today, I am the person I failed to be when I was with her. And I still wish I changed sooner.
I won't go into any details here. And this is enough already.
i think it's more like someone should accept you for who you are, but if there is a bad trait or dangerous trait, we'd want them to tell us to change it, would we not? I'm sure if we have a dangerous/bad habit, we'd want to change it for the better. but most of the time, it is to accept the person for who they are.
Of course I'm not gonna change for a person. I'll try to be better.
Actually, I didn't want to change anything about a guy that I dated simply because he was still a boy. It is impossible to change a guy's perspective, especially when he is still a boy, a mama's boy if I may add. And no, I don't see why I should change for a guy even though I might learn to like the things that he does for the sake of quality time; other than that, no.
Of course it gets thrown around! People don't like EVERYTHING about a person, that's impossible. That's usually thrown around to make the woman feel better. However, if you're honest with her, she throws a hissy fit. White lies are pretty much the building blocks of any relationship.
Give a woman her ideal mate, within a few days, she'll eventually try to change something she doesn't like about him.
People change, and their tastes change along with them.
@johnny_hopkins@xanga - Sorry, but I think that's impossible. Some people either tolerate it, or try to change it. More often than not, it's the last choice. That's how I see it.
- Kunoichi
yeah, this has been a consistent problem for me....i guess i'm an emotional fusion junkie. my whole last relationship was spent trying to change my bf, but primarily because he told me he wanted to change to make our relationship work (he's had really bad luck before). i think he wound up resenting me. what both of us really wanted all along was just for him to be himself.
as far as changing for someone else, i think we all are changed by people close to us, and i think that's a good thing if we are around good people. i try to surround myself with inspirational people, and when i pick up their interests or attributes, it makes me a better person. if someone doesn't encourage you to be yourself, though, that's not healthy :-/
Agreed. I don't believe you should change who are you so that it suits somebody else. If that were the case, then it would be selfish of the other person to expect so.
I love the way that I am and it may not be the best but I'm happy being me. If someone I truly loved and cared about tried to change that about me then I would have to reconsider our relationship. If he can't love me for who I am then he will never love me.
My SO has changed a lot, but in good ways - you know, being more polite & considerate I would say is the main way. But I know a lot of things about him make him who he is, and I'm not going to ask someone to chance their entire life to be with me... I could find somebody else who was more of whatever I wanted my SO to be. I think I've changed too. We went through a period of arguing... a lot. I used to be the kind of person who just flipped out, screamed & cried about everything, and then left in a huge dramatic fashion to make a point. Now I've learned to better communicate a point, to understand people have different opinions and reasoning, and that there doesn't need to be dramatics to get a point across. I've learned a lot more about just admitting wrongs & shortcomings -although I think that comes with age & maturity too- and working through them. I've become more willing to not speak and let things simmer down first in order to have a civil conversation rather than a screaming match. And he still screams and is nasty... but now, if I give him a good 15 minutes or so, he comes back and talks through things.
So I think, people can change through relationships, for their SO in certain ways that will make them better people in general. I've seen the flipside, I've changed for the worst because of a SO before - but I think the reverse can happen as well. I know it has in my relationship in baby steps, and will most likely continue to do so.