Someone once told me that Scientologists take prospective converts and try to remake them in their own image. I have no way of knowing whether this is accurate or not, but what I do know is that I've seen quite a few examples of this in the dating world.
I'm sure many of you have seen this; the girl dating the guy who is so badly whipped that she's able to change the way he thinks, dresses and acts. The guy becomes so submissive that he even changes who he hangs out with if she wishes.
To that I say....what the hell?....
But I should add a disclaimer: This isn't to say that girls are the only culprit; members of both sexes do this to their significant others.
Isn't dating someone about liking someone for who they are? Call me crazy but that's what I always thought. But in my personal experience I've seen this happen to several of my guy friends, and it's depressing to watch their transformation from prideful, strong individual to spineless bootlick. Depressing is a gross understatement actually.
Have you ever had an experience where you lost a friend or a best friend because their significant other didn't want them hanging out with you anymore for whatever reason? What is your opinion of guys and girls who dominate their partners, as well as the partners themselves who allow their "sweethearts" to reshape them in their own image?
If any of you out there actually have treated or are treating a significant other like this, please feel free to step forward and explain to us why you treat your partner the way you do; Whatever gives us a better look inside the mind of someone who is so willing the crush the spirit of someone they supposedly care so much about.
It's time for you to sound off.
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Comments (21)
Has anyone heard that mutual respect and personal space is actually kind of healthy in a relationship. With lots of mutual respect.
No! Heck no that's just wrong!
If you don't like someone and the changes made aren't improvements in the best sense (e.g. encouraging them to stop being a smoker/alcoholic, etc) then it's a telltale sign to leave the relationship.
i believe you shoudln't change the character of your SO, but possibly a few bad habits he/she may have.
Changing the character of someone? Why not just go and buy a build-a-boyfriend kit, or something?
I wouldn't want someone to try and change me to suit them better. The least I can do, is return the favor.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - Exactly. I have no problem with someone who wants to change their boyfriend/husband's bad habit of undressing in the kitchen (haha, can you see I have personal experience with this?) but changing who they are... I can't understand that.
I think these comments are based on the assumption that you're already in good positions/have good friends around you and positive habits.
Picture meeting your next bf/gf and finding out all these little horrid habits they have, after you two get close. What would you do? I've been in a few situations with both interests, and just good friends, where they have these really self-destructive habits, based from their depressing outlooks. (Ex. cutting, mass drug usage, etc)
Some ppl see it as liberating; to those ppl, I pass no judgement over. The moment an individual comes off as depressed or sulking in misery, either you lend the person a helping hand, or exit the vicinity. But considering you're dating them, I doubt you'd just run away from someone you care about...
I have no idea.
@faerienoodles@xanga - true. so true.
I'm great and all, but I think one of me is enough.
You become who you love. Besides, it's always better to be the one in charge.
I think if they do make a change for their partner, it's generally because they accept the fact that they have bad habits and they are COMMITTED to make changes and would love to do so for them. Plus if it's moving away from the people they hang with it could be because those people influence a similar bad habit.
I avoid girls with bad habbits and bitchy friends (which some times is impossible). It's impossible to change people and KEEP them changed. We should accept our SO's to a certain extent for who they are, if we ever expect anything to become of a relationship. Some habits and behaviors are reasons to leave or not make any further advance. Addicts are to be avoided in my book, theres no changing those girls.
@SeaChaCha@xanga - so true. i became a nicer less cynical asshole when i was dating this girl who was WAY too nice for her own good. So now that we're spitzville I inherited some of her non-assholeish qualities and I'm better off haha.
...but she's a lot more sarcastic and stands up for herself more because of my personality leaking into hers. win win :D
plus her taste in music kinda sucked. i mean i love radiohead but i cant listen to sad emo shit all fucking day like she did, so i made sure to burn her no less than 15 cds of some GOOD good shit before she moved. Bad/boring taste in music is probably the only thing when dating someone I KNOWINGLY try to change.
i changed my boyfriend alot. I didn't ask him to but he knew i wouldn't date someone who was in to drugs, cheating and treating me the way he did. We had great chemistry but if still was the same man that he was when i ment him, we wouldn't have lasted so long. And yes i believe his friends had a great deal of influence in this, and so did his habits. He knew that and stopped haning out with some of them by choice. Now he's a year away from graduating college, with honors. That's something i know he wouldn't have been able to do with out those chages.
and...about control in the relationship---it's always good to have the upper hand in any situation.
A good way to view dating is as an opportunity to try new things.
For instance: my boyfriend is an artist so I started doing some more art because of him and I used to be pianist so he's trying to learn a little piano.
I think it's a bit of a two way street. People should only change in relationships if both parties want the change. Otherwise, someone is going to get upset.
I feel like you should date someone for who they are and what they have the potential to become, not for how you can shape them to fit your needs and desires. Besides, wouldn't you just get bored then? (See "The Shape of Things" with Paul Rudd for an example of this type of relationship...it's screwy :/)
I'm only commenting on this statment "Isn't dating someone about liking someone for who they are? Call me crazy but that's what I always thought. " ---> That is true to a certain extent...relationships are partnerships...there will be give & take and compromises. When you grow and learn more about a person, you will find there are some things you won't like about them. They'll either change it or you'll accept it, either way..each party will be compromising something.
Yeah you would think dating was about liking someone for who they are unfortunately some people seem to put more value in other things instead of what the person is like.
@lovestar_14@xanga - i think some people have. just not some of my friends apparently.
@faerienoodles@xanga - lol well said
@Lil_Dude433@xanga - read above comment ; )
@Morningstarrising@xanga - lol? thats an interesting guy you got.Â
@Simply_Cynical@xanga - you make a good point. quite simply, some are just good at "hiding the crazy" until their partner is too deep to be able to get out. others may not deliberately hide their nutty ways, but they just dont reveal themselves until its way too late. ive been through that myself.
its imperative to have a very thorough "screening process" to know who youre getting mixed up with before it gets serious. you know what they say; fools rush in.Â
@SeaChaCha@xanga - ...ga?
@beiiveinme@xanga - in a perfect world there wouldnt be such a thing as an upper hand; everything would be 50/50. but thats just not reality. anyway, good job helping to change your guy for the better.Â
just coz u changed after being in a relationship doesnt mean your significant other MADE you change...
sometimes your priority changes... like maybe before you had a so, your best friend was your priority no. 1.. after your so, your bf was priority no. 2... hence the fewer hang outs... maybe after being in love, the only person you wanna spend time with is your so
besides, people change all the time... people are changing constantly... we just look at whats different to blame the change on...
@xerxes2044 - :P
okay. to be honest, i think that shirt idea thing is kinda cute. that doesn't necessarily mean the other sex is whipped. if its done everyday, that's definitely odd. but once in awhile i think is alright.