Thursday, 01 October 2009

  • "Where Do You See This Going?"


    It is that time in the relationship, ladies & gentlemen and this time around I do not know where to start the conversation. I've been dating my boyfriend now for roughly 6 months and I know for everyone the timeline is different because I have had this conversation before earlier in relationships, or too late in other cases. I'm just now starting to get that itching feeling. The one that tells you its time to sort things out, to have both parties put on the table the expectations of the relationship.

    I feel like, even though I'm young, I'm not looking for a relationship that isn't headed somewhere. At first with this boyfriend, I didn't have that nagging need to know where he was expecting it to head, I was just happy dating and having someone in my life who was there for the moment. That feeling lasted quite a while. Until recently. I'm antsy. I know he cares about me, I know hes always happy to see me, I know he likes me in his life, etc. And I feel the same way. However, I've never had this particular feeling that I do now.

    I've never felt like a relationship had an expiration date. With this one, I keep getting this gut feeling that unless we both start on a path to decide we want to spend the next however many years together, I'm not going to be content. No, I'm not sure I want to marry him, or anything like that, but with the comments hes been making I keep thinking that he is either thinking in that direction, or just simply thinks that in all relationships those types of comments are made. I'm talking about things like, "Well one day when we have kids..." or, "When we get married, this is what you're going to have to live up to."(Referring to his mother.)

    No guy, excluding my ex-fiance, has made comments like that to me before. So, I'm not sure how to take them. I'm also really unsure how to approach the, "Where do you see this going?" going conversation. I'm not ready to break off the relationship, but I'm not really sure I want to continue to be in a relationship that I'm not sure where its headed, or where its potentially headed anyway.

    How do you generally start the conversation? Have you ever had this conversation and had it go particularly well/disastrous and why do you think it went that way? Do you think its possible to be in a longer-term relationship (lets state a year or more just for clarity) and not need to know these things? Or to not be sure whether the person is "the one", but continue in the relationship anyway while sorting out other options?

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Comments (22)

  • SaraSwearsALot@xanga

    I'm one of those girls that wants to know where the relationship is going, too. Even if I am young! My boyfriend and I make comments like that to each other pretty often. The only time we've ever really, really discussed the timeline of our relationship was once. I just asked if he could see us together in ten years still, and he said yes. Other than that, I think we pretty much just know that both of us think about when and how and where we're going to get married without having to talk about it.
  • LikeThatSunshine@xanga

    It's different for every situation, and every person.
    For me, being in the relationship I am now,
    I've known where it's going for a while.
    I don't think it's something that should be forced;
    like the old (and very annoying) adage,
    It'll happen... when it happens.
    That talk will come at the right time,
    Or there will be signals.
  • Xm0shXgaZmX@xanga

    I personally feel like it's better if you both are aware of what the other person wants out of the relationship.  I was in a relationship for almost 2 years, and it was something we made a point to discuss when we felt it was necessary.

    I know the feeling you are talking about (that "nagging"). It's unsettling, and I think it's something you should definitely discuss with him. I don't think it sounds odd, in my opinion, to just straight up ask him, "where do you see this going?", or "what kind of future do you think we have with one another?".  Strike up that conversation at a time when it's not going to be so weird...like perhaps in the car, or something. 

    Good luck. :]

    Btw, the picture with this post is adorable to me lol.

  • utoppia@xanga

    "The Talk" is never pleasant but it's always better to clarify where and what you both want. Since you've been with this guy for 6 months, that's quite a bit of time and I'm shock you haven't had the talk yet. 

    You wouldn't want to end up like some of the other posts where they are upset their sort of BF slept with someone else or flirts with other girls simply because they never established what sort of relationship they have. And also make sure both of you are on the same page. Just because you want to be exclusive and he doesn't will not change the fact that if he sees someone else, you can't get mad because he never agreed to be exclusive. So cover all your bases when you're ready for that talk. Good luck!
  • GaMeGurLsH@xanga

    If you don't know what you want out of this relationship, why would you ask him first? Ask yourself this question before you ask him so you two will be on the same page. If he's saying those things to you, to me, it means he wants you there in the future.
  • Star_x_Love@xanga

    You ask him if he sees you in his future or that is he REALLY content having you as his partner.
  • anonymous

    I simply asked my boyfriend, "Where do you see me in your future?"
  • DeathzDezign@xanga

    @GaMeGurLsH@xanga - I agree with what she said

    It seems like nowadays couples are in so much of a rush to figure out where the relationship is headed, that most of them lose sight of what's right in front of them. I rarely see couples take it easy, and just enjoy the time they have with each other, and live for the moment. I've noticed that women more often than men tend to stress about where the relationship is headed, and I dont think it's because men dont care. Myself for example just loves to live in the moment. I like to soak in everything that is currently happening instead of worrying about what's going to happen next. I constantly think about my future, and prepare for it, but I dont live according to it...because things can change in an instant.

    My suggestion is...find out what he wants, but dont expect things. Make sure that the understanding of being exclusive is the foundation of your relationship, and then enjoy the time you guys have. My ex and I talked about marriage, and kids, and where we would live, and it all came crashing down. Appreciate what you have now, and dont take it for granted...because if you constantly keep worrying about the future, you might end up losing what you tried protecting all along.
  • KitterzBri0814@xanga

    I think that for every person it's different, and the only way you you'll stop worrying about this if you openly talk to him about his references to marriage and whatnot. I've always been in long-term relationships, but marriage has not come up in conversation 'til my current relationship of 4 1/2 years for example,my boyfriend didn't really start talking about things such as marriage and children 'til after 3 1/2 years into our relationship. Like I said, it varies from one person to another.
  • Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga

    lol ....hmmmm.... yeah. i hate those conversations, but they're always inevitable. my boyfriend and i both sort of make those kind of comments to each other .... i do sort of by accident. i could see myself marrying him .... but ....you know, maybe i should have this convo, too?
  • superGchik@xanga

    everyone is different and every situation is different but if you feel the need to talk about it, tell him.  if you don't speak up, you'll never be heard.  "the talk" is probably one of the most hated conversation ever but once you bring it up, you'll be able to get a direction on where you both want to be with your relationship instead of guessing.
  • iheartemo26@xanga

    The fact that he's saying those type of things about your future suggests that he does see you together... but still, I would try to be careful about saying "when" instead of "if" when talking about those things (having kids together, etc.). I say this out of past experience... I dated a guy for 2 years, and everything was all about "when we get married," "when we have kids," "when we're 50 yrs old together"... Then when we broke up, I felt like I was left with nothing. I had no idea what to do with my life, because all my plans had been with him. Since then, I've used "if we end up..." with other boyfriends, up until I became engaged to my husband!! Maybe you're not doing this anyway... but don't put all your hope in one person unless you're SURE the relationship is a committed one.
  • soniiuh@xanga

    @Starlite - Agreed. 
  • dulcify@xanga

    I never understood this... Why stress about this kind of stuff six months into a relationship? Personally, I just don't think six months is a long enough time to justify a "where is this headed" conversation. At six months, you're probably still in the butterflies-in-my-stomach, sunshine-out-of-his-ass stage which is a great stage, but probably not a wise time to discuss a marriage or other long-term commitments. Wait until you've been together a year or two because then you will really be able to have a more honest and less naive conversation about the future. In the meantime, I would just be clear about the fact that you are in a committed, monogamous relationship and leave it at that. 

    Enjoy it for what it is! Plan ahead a couple of months at the most, you'll probably end up happier that way in the end then if you try to settle everything right now. I know that the "let it be" attitude has worked for me ... two years and counting!
  • UnopenedSuitcases@xanga

    idk. i mean i feel like for the moment you shoujld just enjoy the now and today. don't worry about whats going to happen in the future unless you're really wanting to get "seriously serious" with the guy. imo at least
  • lesbohemian@xanga

    I've been in my relationship now for almost 15 months, and we've never had to really sit down and sort that out. We just kind of... knew. I think if you have to sit there and really ask yourselves, it's not really worth asking.
  • Stalinn@xanga

    talk to him.
  • actualization@xanga

    Next time that he says "Well one day when we have kids..........." ask him "do you really see us having kids someday?" Just talk to him! You've been dating 6 months, so it's not like he'll freak out by the subject. 
  • stumbling_sweetheart@xanga

    @dulcify@xanga

    I am far too logical/a thinking type of person to ever have really had that "butterflies in the stomach/my partner can do no wrong/all blissed out" view on relationships. Things aren't always perfect. I'm far from a perfect person with a lot of baggage. The closest I ever got to being all blissed out was with the guy I dated right after my first love, my first everything. With the way things had ended, with how depressed I was then, having someone that could actually make me laugh like I'd never laughed before - that "rebound" type relationship. Thats the closest I've been to never really stopping to question. And even then after a certain period of time I started to question - though only to myself.

    6 months is a short span of time - but at the same time, this 6 months have been some of the longest & hardest of my life. It feels like I've been with him for a lot longer than 6 months. We've been through a lot more than 6 months of dating & being with eachother.

    @lesbohemian@xanga

    I've thought about it that way. I'm very analytical. I question things a lot. I've been through all sorts of manipulation from my parents since I was a young kid - I'm skeptic of everything. Of everyones motives. Of everyones thoughts and feelings and truth. Thats just me as a person.

    @Xm0shXgaZmX@xanga

    Thanks. Those are my thoughts exactly.  & datingish picks the picture. Lol. I think its really cute too!

    @DeathzDezign@xanga

    Thanks for the input. Sometimes I feel that way - but usually its VERY early on in a relationship. This time around though, in the beginning I was very open to just seeing eachother when we saw eachother, taking things slow. Then we came to a point where it got too monotonous because I was @ such a weird point in my life & so was he (still is really) so we saw eachother all the time. So we took like a week to just step back & spend time with friends & find that balance again which we did. So for a short time after that I did my own thing A LOT & it was nice while I was working & had money to just go out and know he was out having fun too. Now that we're both not working again & I'm @ an off point with a lot of my friends because they're far too focused around drama I don't need - I see him a lot more often.

    My point really is I see it as a line. Theres the beginning where you're casual, I mean for me its always a monogamous casual, but casual and if you both decide or one or the other decides that its just not the right relationship - you can break it off with no hard feelings, no strings, just a mutual understanding of the good you had together. Then after you cross that line it becomes an investment. Your time, your money, your friendship, your heart.. they all become invested in this person. And while there are no guarentees you want to know what you can expect from this investment before you invest more...

    But thats just my very worn out view of love... I believe in romance sure, I just don't see it for me. I'm not really that person.

  • thinfriendxxo@xanga

    after 6 months, I would tell him it's too soon to tell.  "where do you see this going" is almost as crap at "what are your intentions, or what do you expect/want from me..."

  • babixk1umzy@xanga

    You've been dating for a half a yr. now and I definitely think it's time for the "talk". I completely understand why you might be feeling this way because I'd feel the same way as well. If I don't see a future then I don't want to waste my time. If he already starts bringing up kids and marriage then maybe he does somewhat see a future with you.

    If you think the relationship is heading in the right direction then it would not hurt to start talking about long term goals. But if it's just a relationship for the moment, then either you're not completely ready yet or you're still trying to figure out what you want from the relationship.

    I'm the type of person who doesn't like to waste my time. So, I would definitely put my feelings out there but keeping my options open as well.

    Good luck!
  • anonymous

    for me it took 14 1/2 months to realize the relationship was going now where and you can just approach him with the question if hes not the type to get mad, but think it over because honestly why be with a guy who has nothing ahead of him

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