Thursday, 01 October 2009
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Emotional Fusion
So, I recently broke up with a great guy because he just wasn't interested in being close. He made it clear that he was his top priority, with probably his friends next, and then me. I thought this was hooey- I always put my relationship first.
I began reading, most notably David Schnarch's "Passionate Marriage" and Harriet Goldhor Lerner's "The Dance of Anger", and began thinking about what I really want out of a relationship in terms of closeness vs. separateness. I had always believed that to be in a happy relationship, you had to be fused- to feel someone's feelings, want to be with them every minute of every day always, have the same sense of humor and interests and do everything together. For the first time, I'm wondering if I'd be happier having more "me" time, but I still see the romantic attraction in wanting to share every activity, thought and feeling with your partner.
What about you? In an ideal world, would you be fused to your partner, feel like the same person? Or would you each have separate lives, and also be a couple? Happily married's, how have you balanced closeness and separateness in your relationship?
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- From: JennyGee@xanga
- About Me: I like trees and horses and butterflies! And theatre, and music, and psychology, and spanish...you name it. Only not French :-P
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Comments (24)
I think that two people in a relationship shouldn't necessarily be emotionally fused, but they should lead pretty intertwined lives. Not lives like Siamese twins, but you know, a big part of each others lives.
That's how it would be, for my ideal world and/or relationship. And I think that's how it is with my current relationship :)
There is absolutely NO way I'd be fused to anyone in the way that you're speaking.
At most, I'd have them in my thoughts/daydreams. Maybe even daily thoughts, but aside from that..
No matter how much you try to become one with someone, it will never actually happen.
It can't; they'd have to see and feel and think EXACTLY the way you do. Everything about you from your physique, to your family, to your friends, to social class and race, to your day to day experiences with all that is the outside world, shapes to a large degree who you are and how you view yourself.
In things like love, if one can't care for them as they are; them being their own person, then they're being selfish and it would be in that one's best interests to learn to love themselves individually.
I need me time, but I'm prone to devoting EVERYTHING I can to my relationship...which ultimately leaves me unsatisfied and it unfair to my SO.
This is something I've only just realized over my last breakup. I need that sense of independence, sense of self. I don't mean that I don't want my life intertwined with someone else's, or that I don't love the intimacy and closeness of relationships...just that I have a tendency to go off the deep end and that's not okay.
is that a picture of rosiehardy and her guy aaron? from flickr, i mean.
i think it depends on who you are. i've devoted myself completely to my fiancé, but i'm not sacrificing anything at all, and neither is he. you have to do what's best for you, and sometimes you get extremely lucky, like i have, and what's best for you is what's best for the other person, too (:
it makes sense for you to start out after his friends when you're first dating, but if it stays like that after you've gotten more serious, then there's a problem, imo.
Heeeeellllll no, shaaaaa i need my own life
I'm not married, but the guy I'm with is definitely my future husband. We're young. Maybe we're naive. But a few things just keep us so close, it's impossible to think of a future without each other.
We work well together as a couple. We know how to work problems out, we feel what each other are feeling. If he's unhappy, I'm unhappy, if one of us worries, the other worries. We can't fight with each other about anything. Neither of us has secrets. We don't even live together, yet we each have an exact idea how the other likes things organized. But none of this is intrusive, because "me time" has somehow come to include just relaxing together. We are each other's other halves, literally. It just feels so right to be together, we don't need to have time to ourselves.
If you can be with someone without boundaries like this, I feel you have no need to live seperate lives and only be linked by that ring around your finger.
It's great that people wanna be a part of each other's live ALL THE TIME, but having the "self" time is good, too. Maybe not being emotionally fused but, emotionally understanding and have the person be a part of your life.
You can't be everything to each other. You both need close friends outside the relationship. You need some hobbies or interests that are your own. If you become too fused then you become codependent.
I would not like to be joined at the hips, thank you very much. I like to have my ME time. I like to hang out with friends without him around. It doesn't mean he and I don't have quality time.
My ideal "me" time is time spent with my fiance, so I definitely know what you're looking for. I think it all just depends on the time of your life that you're in. If you are looking to get married, or settle into a long term relationship, yes, wanting that closeness is important. My fiance and I have what you're describing you want.
However, if you're just looking to have fun, and have no long term commitment, yeah, it's just important that you both have fun together, and not have that emotional fusion. Otherwise it gets too complicated too quickly, and the fun is gone.
I don't want to be fused to him. We both need our individual spaces where we can be ourselves and not pleasing your SO all the time.
woah dude, freaky. i like being me, and i like that my bf is not me, and i like that we both like that we arent the same person...
I think the idea of being 'fused' to someone is a little bit much, I like my alone time.
maybe i'm just selfish but i want both and want them equally.
I mean, I'm fine with spending time together everyday or every other day, but I like my space too. If you can't let me go just for half of a day... then you're probably clingy and I'm probably suffocating and we're probably going to break up soon loll.
All closeness and no separateness! Who wants to be separated if they like someone
I was always pretty independant and in the past didn't like to be tooooo close to my significant other, but I think it all depends on your experience with "emotional fusion". If you had a fantastic relationship with a guy you connected with deeply with about everything, you're more inclined to desire the same for the future. I definately don't want to be distant with my significant other, but I would certainly not want to do EVERYTHING together, joined at the hip... I need a girls night out on occassion. And I want him to go out with his friends sometimes, so I can surprise him once in awhile when he gets home :)
I met the same kinda guy a few months ago, he's a workaholic. For him work comes first and then maybe his own life...i dont knwo much about him at this stage. I come from a culture where marriages are arranged most of the time, he was one of my proposals. I am given time to get to know him because all my family members are wanting to get me married pretty soon. The sad part is, i dont think i like him. He's tall, handsome and has a good job, but one reason why i wouldnt want to marry him is because he is lost in his own world. I want him to know my likes and dislikes, i want him to notice what i do and dont do, i want to talk to him, spend time with him but he doesnt have that kind of a time.
If i ever get married i want a man who loves me, cares for me, knows all my secrets and desires to know me more each day. He treats me like a baby, wants to spend time with me, we can travel together, do crazy things together. It is important for me that he is as crazy as me and not some work addicted mufin!
If i were to arrange things in my life...
God comes first
then our relationshio
family and career...
In college, I had a relationship like that - the fused kind. At the time, it was completely satisfying to me, but looking back, I think of myself and my ex as lost kids: insecure, dependent, wanting to be completely consumed by someone else, needing no separation. Having that type of constant reassurance was necessary, or I felt alone in the relationship. But after some time, the cracks began to show.... you can't have a sustaining relationship unless you are a self-sustaining, independent, emotionally-available individual who can achieve the balance of giving of yourself while also maintaining yourself.
I've come to appreciate the separateness that exists in being with someone you love.
ugh i'm dealing with this at the moment. i dont know what i want anymore.
truth is the most important thing, both halves need to find their own truth and you have to have time to think and be alone to do that. using the relationship to distract yourselves from the questions that eat at all of us, is post-poning the inevitable need for the answers.
I think that to have a successful relationship, both partners must be "whole" by themselves. Each person should be emotionally stable, and have a fulfilling life by themselves before the couple gets together. Otherwise the relationship is based on neediness, where the couple leans on each other without being able to survive on their own. However, that doesn't mean that the couple shouldn't be close, or that they shouldn't be important to each other. You should be able to balance alone-time and together-time.
My husband and I have been together for better than a decade, and I'm enthusiastically married. How?
When we were dating, I let him be him, I let me be me, he let me be me and he wasn't going to be anyone but himself...
Roses, candle light, fart jokes, Valentines cards, music measured in decibels, nearly-shredded jeans, popped zits, Sunday Football Ticket, and all.
Yes, I can look up and call him "the other half", but you know what? We each started out Whole. Complete. Nothing absent in my life or world, nothing absent in his life or world.
The home we've built together is a strange marriage between Halloweentown and Dragon Fantasy. Know what? It wouldn't work for any other couple.
We're a physical, social, and emotional contrast from each other - we even have "his" and "her" living rooms - his is a "Punkin Orange" room with black trim that is dominated by SurroundSound HDTV setup and a sort of sofa pit for everyone to land in around him, with his Lay-Z-Boy recliner sort of recessed inside this entertainment center shelving unit, with a side table for his PC and remote controls. His room is dominated by wall sconces, swords, and dragons.
My living room, with an arch that adjoins to his living room, is dominated by purple walls with black trim, wall sconces [note a continuation from his room...nice?], Elvira, giant spiders, 3 computer stations [but more can be set to fit], Jack O' Lanterns, black cats, and an overstuffed sofa and two chairs with ottomans [to seat just as many people as his living room]. Also in mine is a bench, built into the wall, with picture windows to watch the weather pass by.
Separate lives, but a common thread - to each other. The kids seem to enjoy it well enough.
The point to all this is that we're both different, we respect each others' differences, but we love each other even through our differences...and I know to check to see if he remembered to put the toilet seat down ; )
I was totally on your side of this until I read some of the comments and looked up the definition of codependence.
The only women I ever loved I was fused to just as you describe. Sometimes she would go out with just her friends and not invite me and I would get really hurt by that. I would always want her to come out with my friends. Hell, every time I did anything I thought about inviting her but I didn't always. If she was sad, I was sad. If she was happy, I was happy. I think I almost felt her emotions more strongly than she did.
Looking back on that relationship just now I think I might have been using her to fill a void in my own life that I was unable to see. I think the majority of commenters here are right. You gotta be complete before entering a relationship because otherwise you will be too dependent on that other person for emotional fulfillment and no one needs that kind of responsibility.