I am really tired of having to repeat the phrase "it's complicated", because maybe it isn't, maybe I just don't get what is going on, but it's really rather simple. So I am asking the guys out there for their input as guys and as guys who've talked to other guys frankly about things.
Here is my situation. About a year ago, a man at work started seriously flirting with me. Coming to talk to me all the time, bringing me chocolates, hugging me, joking with me, finding excuses to touch me. I liked him and responded back. Things got sort of serious, but we only saw each other at work. We got to the point of talking about meeting outside of work. He then told me his life outside of work makes it pretty much impossible to really be in a relationship. And I know for a fact that the situations he cited are his real situations.
This really hurt, but I accepted it, because...what else is there to do.
Fast forward, we seem unable and unwilling to stay away from each other.
After about 6 weeks, we are at it again, very intensely, very sexually ( the flirting and interaction at work) We both get to the point where we realize we want to get together. And after a few weeks of scheduling issues, we finally do. First a dinner, really fun and lots of energy, then a few weeks later, sex. Scheduling, because of both our situations is really tough. Over the course of a couple months we go out to eat few times, have sex a few times. Most of our interaction takes place at work.
The past few weeks he's been pretty much withdrawn and out of communication with me. I check in and he says not to take it personally, his feelings haven't changed, his life is really out of control and he has to totally focus on that. I check in a few more times over the course of a couple weeks. He says things are fine between us. Then I get laid off, he doesn't take the time to say goodbye to me, and it's been a week and he hasn't made any contact with me, though I did unexpectedly run into him and we chatted a few minutes about non relationship related things.
He ended our chat with "I'll call you some evening"
So, give it to me straight, does life ever get so chaotic and out of control that you ignore a woman and a relationship that means anything to you? Or if you really like someone do you somehow find the time to maintain that relationship? I mean, I've straight out asked him (calmly, no tears, no accusations) if he wanted me to back off, if things were over, and he gets really frustrated, says "no" and tells me not to take any of this personally. But he does nothing to maintain the relationship.
I love him, and I know his entire life IS in chaos (he is not making that up). So, do you think he really is interested in having a relationship with me? Or should I just tell my heart it's over and work on getting over my broken heart?
Do guys ever really put a relationship on hold that they mean to get back to?
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Comments (75)
probably. they have harder times expressing themselves than girls do.
You never told us what makes his life chaos, and somehow expect us to pass judgment about how it could be chaos.
I will say yes, guys can put relationships on hold. However, you might not be on hold. You omitted some of the most important details.
You said "But he does nothing to maintain the relationship" and this says it all. Sure he LIKES you, there's chemistry and all and maybe you'd be good together, but he does nothing to maintain the relationship.
When I met my husband, both our lives were freaking CRAZY. He even moved out of state. We still saw each other often because maintaining the relationship was super important to us.
Do you really want to start a relationship where its pretty acceptable to be put on hold when life is a mess? Isn't part of the wonderfulness of relationships is that you don't have to deal with that stuff alone, but as a team? Helps make hard times bearable.
Right now, you are just a warm and cozy girl that gives him a dose of relationship whenever he needs it. The one he can put on a shelf when he doesn't want to be bothered and take down when he needs ya. And you don't complain.
If he is putting you on the back burner now, when you have barely started dating, he's not that into you. When someone is really worth it, you make time, make the effort and pretty much jump through hoops to be with them no matter how chaotic your life is.
I've done it. It's nothing personal. I just don't want to drag someone into my craziness.
If it were me, I would back off anyway and wait until he has his shit together. There is no way to tell what he is thinking in this situation. He could be holding back because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, he could just not want to drag you into his problems right now, he could have some baggage from a past relationship, who knows.
Just let him know one last time that you like him, you'd like to start something with him, but you understand that he has issues right now and you don't want to add to them. Tell him to call you when he has his shit straight, because you dont want to chase him around.
Good luck!
If he likes you, he'll make it work.
Sounds like a hit it and quit it to me.
I've had a crazy life, and I've NEVER put a relationship on the back burner for it. I think it's possible, but my priorities have always been relationship first, job or whatever second, as much as possible (this has on numerous occasions fucked up my professional life, but that's fine).
Sounds like your guy is doing the reverse; interested in both, but simply has too much life to do the relationship. He was, it seems, balancing these better in the early days. It becomes a question of how long you want to go with how little contact.
girl, it's because he's got a wife waiting for him at home!
I think if his life was so stressful...having you around should NOT be so stressful..in fact you are his home away from home. You will make him happy...if he was into you. I don't think he liked you enough to show enough interest.
Maybe he's married or has a serious gf? You don't know that.
@care@momaroo - These are my sentiments exactly. I agree, particularly the part where you say that dealing with problems alone need not apply while in a relationship. :D
I've been expressing this to people for a long long long time.
As for the author, I'm really really sorry about your situation. I'm also terribly sorry that I have a hard time trusting people, and I really cant' believe that one person's life can be that hectic that he can't squeeze you in once or twice a week. I don't feel he's as interested as you say.
From my objective standpoint, I feel as if this chaos in his life were 'wife and kids' or something along those lines... Could you enlighten us on what keeps him so tied up?
I notice most girls say: move on forget it he's got a wife and kids at home he's not worth it.
I notice guys say: yes we as guys can do that, put relationships on hold and get back to it later.
I'm in the same boat, and I've only seen him once in 3 months. At first I was jealous, angry, suspicious, etc... but then after awhile I realized he was telling the truth, his life was just too crazy right now. And he said it just like @Liquid_Pain_523@xanga - he doesn't want to drag someone into the craziness, because frankly, IMO, I would probably compound it instead of helping him with it.
You know girls create drama where there is none. And guys deal with situations different than how we deal with it.
Don't hold out hope for him, but don't write him off completely.
just move on because if he's too busy for you, thats not gonna change. see it for what it is... a nice fling. you had fun flirting at work, seeing eachother every once in a while, but its over now. find someone who you can see whenever you want and you don't have to wonder how they feel cuz they show you all the time. be fair to yourself and move on.
I'd have to say that if it really was important for him, he would make the relationship a priority. If he can't do that then he's likely not going to change. Sometimes all those other things that make his life so complicated are just an excuse to not make a commitment in a relationship. No matter how real the situations are that complicate his life, if a relationship was important to him he'd find a way to make it work.
I'd honestly ask him if he wants to continue a relationship with you, and tell him what it is you need from that relationship. Then you'll have your answer.
guys can be pretty evasive when it comes to r/s. u should give him another 1 or 2 months to see how it goes.. like does he take 30 sec out to text you.. or take ONE minute of his chaotic life to call you to see if you are still alive and kicking..
in short, give him a little space. if he's yours, he will come around when he realised you are not 'there' so conveniently.
Do guys put off relationships?-YES. If he really had some serious issues to deal with he probably doesn't want to burden you with them, especially if you guys had some sort of relationship going on. Chances are he's doing it with your best interest in mind but it's hard for me to be 100% sure about that unless i had some more specific info about this situation.
@schallerbrandon@xanga - I wish I could spell it all out here, but to get my question posted I had to limit the length. I am basically asking if there really ARE times a guy would act this way, since of course no one here can know what's really going on with him. I'm sure I don't know half the details myself. At this point we are essentially talking about NO efforts by him to have any sort of contact or meaningful conversation, indeed ANY conversation at all for 6 weeks. We've probably spoken a total of 10 minutes in that length of time, all of it initiated by me. If you want to know more about what's up, you're welcome to read my lengthy blogs, and I appreciate any feedback. This just wasn't the time or place for more detail.
@care@momaroo - You are right except about the "don't complain". OK, maybe not complain, but I've brought this up to him, that I need at least a check in every week so I know the temperature of the situation. But basically, I think you are right. I am/have been way too convenient for MY own good.
@OngishLyOngLee@xanga - I absolutely know this isn't true. No wife, maybe another woman somewhere, but no wife.
@GaMeGurLsH@xanga - I do know enough about his life and situation to know there is no wife. I can't guarantee no gf anywhere, but knowing what I do about him, it seems pretty unlikely, but not impossible. Thanks for your input. I need to get it straight between the eyes.
@xpialadocious@xanga - I'm thinking that I've about reached my limit of no contact, taking my broken heart and moving on.
@driftingpebble@xanga - You can complain or discuss or what have you until you turn blue in the face, but when you still allow him to put you on the back burner, all that talk is negated. Actions speak louder than words.
My guess is that you are worth the kinda relationship you want. He's either going to agree with and change or not. It sucks if he chooses the not, but there's no point in settling when it comes to love. Its amazing when you know that someone is carving out time to be with you because the WANT to... because they value you, because you are worth it. Absolutely amazing.
@aCe_KeiAnar@xanga - He has no wife, he does have a child in another city, takes him away several weekends a month. He's recovering addict and will be moving out of the rehab home (no women allowed on the premises) he's lived in and worked in part time,since he got sober 4 years ago.He will move closer to his child.He loses his full time job outside the home next month. I know all these things are true. What else may be going on in his life, I'm not sure. He really has a lot on his plate.
@C_UNIT42@xanga - Thanks, I'm working on doing just that