We want to be good friends. We want our friends to be happy, we want the best for them --but sometimes, this leads us to constantly set aside our own wants and needs in our attempts to ensure the happiness of our friends. And this is definitely an admirable trait, but all too often, it backfires on us, becoming resentment or regret that creates tension and wears away at our friendships. So, please:
Do not play matchmaker for your friend and your crush!
I had a very painful falling-out with a formerly close friend of mine, some time ago. When this happened, she revealed that she had feelings for my boyfriend, and had in fact been harboring these feelings toward him even before I started dating him. Eventually, it was just too much for her to see us together and be reminded of her missed opportunity, so she cut off contact. She hasn't spoken to me since.
Now the thing is, if she had just told me that she liked him before we started dating, I would have backed off. I didn't even like him at the time when she began trying to get us together, and it never occurred to me that she might have feelings for him
because she was so insistent on getting us together. I dearly wish that I
had known earlier, because it absolutely was not worth losing a friend over.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend and I had been dating for 5 years before she confessed this to us; and by that point, we had moved well past the stage where I could step aside and let her have her chance. If I could go back in time though, I would gladly let her ask him out first --maybe he still would've said no, but at least that missed opportunity wouldn't have festered away at our friendship.
You may think that you're doing your friend a favor, and that you're doing the selfless thing by ignoring your own feelings. But this only works for as long as you can ignore your feelings --and if those feelings
don't go away, it ends up screwing up your friendship. I still miss my friend terribly, and it ended up hurting me far more than if she'd just told me the truth from the beginning.
Have you ever regretted setting up a crush with someone else?
Comments (37)
I haven't really ever played match-maker with anyone. None of my friends will participate, haha. :P
ts weird....i just read serenadante's post....
Why on earth would she pressure you to date him if she liked him so much? I can understand if you had said you liked him and she was trying to be a good friend, but what she did was ridiculous. To force you to date someone who she likes, and then end your friendship because of something that she herself caused? Thats silly.
&No, I would never set up anyone because if something happens, your friend may turn it around on you.
I did it once because I knew that they would make a better couple. And I was right. But I don't regret it because, they're still together and it's been almost 4 years :D
@mustardcat@xanga - maybe cuz her friend knew that the guy was into her and not the friend. so she was being good for him.
@cazziii_fire@xanga - Yeah I didn't think of that. I guess if I were in that position, I would have just left it alone instead of trying to force them together.
It depends on whether or not the person seems to be a better match with my friend than me. I tried to set up my crush with the girl he was interested in... then he realized he liked ME!
...then, after we broke up, he liked her again. FAIL.
But, they're a better match, so I don't mind.
oh that sucks
i can see your point but theres a few things that stick out to me.. she hooked you guys up.. if i was into a guy , i would NOT do that.. i have enough problems with friends after my men/exes..( i only care when they sneak behind my back though.). plus, she came out FIVE years after? wow... if that was one of my friends, i wouldnt feel pity. for one she hooked yall up! she shouldnt have if she really had feelings. i dont think anyone could do that.. plus she did wait that long...
so anyways.. i wouldnt ever hook up a freind with a crush of mine.. thats silly. but.. if i wasnt single, and knew my crush would be better off, id find him someone to hook up with.. if you let a freind know that its ok to be with one of your interests, she keep going until she has em all, including your current.
@zxzeebrastar@xanga -
see you knew it would better though, and didnt bring it up 5 years down the road... id do it if i knew thery had a better chance. but i would take responsibility and not to try to double cross.. or go back and say all that later...
I was in this situation very recently actually. The only difference is it was the girl I liked that I was telling to go out with someone else. I was honest with her though and told her I liked her, but that I could tell she'd be happier with the guy. Ya, it does hurt, but there's no resentment in it. I know I'll get past it eventually, and we'll keep being friends. So don't give up on looking out for others just yet.
People should do what they're comfortable with. I can't stand people who feel obligated to do "the right thing" by harboring feelings and tormenting themselves with the emotions that no one would understand. That never works out. If you're not comfortable with telling the person how you feel, don't bother trying to go out of your way to set them up with someone else.
no that's pointless
If my friend tried to set me up, I'd run away. =)
I've done it before it was out of fun. I know it wouldn't work. My friends are pickier than that hahaha.
shit sucks... but isn't 5 years of dating strong too? :/
No, I am not big hearted enough to set my crush with someone else. NO WAY
I'd probably set up a blind date and then be the one who actually shows up.
I don't play matchmaker often because I feel confident in other people's ability to meet people. When that's not the case then I might help out if I knew individuals with the same wants.
I would match make a friend if we were merely friend-flirting and not in a relationship. My reason being if we aren't together there must be a reason (on their side) then it's better to see them happy.
Yes, absolutely. I actually just wrote a couple of posts about this on my blog.
I did and then I found later that my crush liked me, after I had already helped set him up with someone else.
I love playing match maker but by no means would I ever match make any of my friends with someone I secretly wanted...that'd be awful and awkward
haha. i'm pushing my crush towards this girl i'm acquainted with. It sucks, but if it makes him happy...
poor girl. and no, i won't ever do that. most i will ever do is jokingly comment on how he should hit on a certain girl.
I am a matchmaker type.. and I have done that before.. I set up two people together though I had to admit that I was deeply hurt when he asked me to set him up but I did... I loss contact with him for a while and then we started randomly talking again because I missed him. Though I will admit that a part of me somewhat wishes that I told him but I moved on. Its a tough situation.