While checking my mail on Yahoo the other day, K and me saw this news story
: "40 Things You Should Know About Sex by Age 40"I was reading, they were pretty interesting, and then I got to number 11:
"11. Honesty: Not always the best policy. So you've thought about cheating -- maybe even stolen a kiss or snuck out for coffee. Should you confess to make up for it? No way. Coming clean only inflicts pain on your partner and damages his sense of trust. If you want to protect him and keep your relationship going, swallow your guilt and keep your mouth shut." Are you kidding me?!
I can not even begin to explain how wrong this is. You should ALWAYS be open and honest with your partner - trust is the foundation for a good relationship.
It disgusts me this terrible advice is being displayed on the internet for people to read. And we wonder why America has one of the highest divorce rates in the world. Don't tell the truth, just keep it inside!
It says telling the truth "damages his sense of trust." So keeping secrets doesn't?
I can't even begin to express my disgust with this.
What do you think?
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Comments (111)
Agreed. That is terrible. Kind of pisses me off, actually.
If I try to give this the benefit of the doubt without rejecting it out of hand (not easy), here we go:
"things you should know about sex by 40." This sounds like the author is trying to be practical not idealistic. This would mean that s/he expects that most people probably cheat by this time (true or not, I think this is what the article assumes). Keeping cheating secret means that keeping the (illusion of the) relationship is more important than being honest about everything that goes on in it. This is a pretty pessimistic view of relationships. Is it realistic and therefore OK? Hmm. I think that depends on the writer. Some people have VERY bum romantic lives.
I agree, Yahoo messed up by posting this. Or at least, they messed up without pointing out that this is a realistic/pessimistic view of relating and that some people would see this step as necessary.
It becomes questions and policies about cheating, from this point on. Do you stay? Do you go? Personally I think that people who cheat have stuff to process that they've not processed, and breaking up is a way to crack into that stuff. People who cheat and stay, to my thinking, are hiding from something, and not just from the cheating. It's braver to break up than it is to cheat. It's easier to cheat as long as you're comfortable hiding, which I don't think is comfortable at all.
I find this ironic, I was having a conversation with a good friend and we were talking about cheating, I said I probably wouldn't tell anyone if something happened one time and it never happened again. But if it was a regular occurrence, I would tell them. She agreed with me
Turns out, my boyfriend of nearly two years was cheating on me with her and I didn't find out from either one of them.
I'm not saying the internet is right, it depends on your situation with that person and what kind of person you are.
...What the crap.
That's...
Wow.
Fuck them.
@_____@''
HUH?
That is terrible advice.
destroying your relationship and your partner's feelings (and trust) to alleviate your own guilt is selfish. If it was a one time occurrence and won't happen again, no one benefits from you coming clean. Not you, and not your partner.
$0.02
Wow.....
That's just wrong.
Ooo. I think I've seen this before. ;)
Have you actually thought it through before making snap judgment?
Really think about it. If someone cheated, and s/he realizes now that it was a terrible mistake and s/he knows now that it won't ever happen again, what is the point of telling the other person? It will put the other person in a lot of pain. For what purpose? So the cheater feels less guilty!
So it's extremely selfish to tell only to relieve guilt.
But of course this is assuming that the cheater has learned his/her lesson. If s/he knows it will happen again, then break the damn thing off since s/he doesn't deserve to be in a relationship then!
that is some bad adivce there .
@jeffgodofbiskuts@xanga - I agree. It just depends on the situation.
A lot of people would say not telling would make the relationship based on a lie. But I don't think so. If you learned your lesson, then you don't really need to bring it up. And other people would say if you loved someone, you wouldn't do it in the first place. But sometimes people do things that make them realize what they have. Kind of like almost dying and realizing how beautiful life is.
Does that make it ok? Nope! But stuff happens, and people just need to accept that. Not everyone is 100% on everything all the time. Sometimes it takes just a little more to realize...reality. Sucks, but it happens.
Wow, that's almost as bad as the shit on Datingish!
...err...
this type of behavior is becoming more acceptable everyday. this is part of the reason i will probably never marry.
@tigerdauphin@xanga - mostly, I just disagree with the statement "honesty is not always the best policy."
because I believe you should always be honest - not necessarily tell your significant other every single thought you have in a day, but if you cheat on them? that's kind of a biggie. they deserve to know so they can make the decision whether or not to continue with the relationship.
I know I wouldn't want to be with a cheater.
Ugh.
Trust is the FOUNDATION of a relationship.
No trust = no relationship.
If there is no trust then the relationship will go downhill.
That's really awful advice and shouldn't be posted on the internet.
I mean, even if YOU don't tell your partner about something serious (ex cheating), well, sooner or later they're gonna find out and it's gonna bite you in the arss for it.
It's better to come clean asap. To let your partner know that you have done wrong, that you're sorry about it, and to let them heal. That way, the trust may be shaken up a bit, but it can still be fixed.
If you keep it hidden and they find out, well there goes all the trust down the drain.
At least that's my opinion of it.
That's awful.
haha but yahoo answers is fucking awesome :PÂ
No way in hell would I support that. I've grown to loathe living in ignorant bliss.
@raspberryjade@xanga - Lol I'm a freak about honesty in relationships, but I've heard some things that seem reasonable to purposely not tell your SO, like if one of your ex's emails you randomly, but you deal with it and they never email you again, I don't see the purpose of making your SO worry about it.
disgusted just as you are. if you can't tell me, i can't trust you.
o.0 Who's the idiot who wrote that one?
@IntheGoldenWest@xanga - Doesn't matter what idiot wrote it. Who's the idiot who wants to believe it??
It's bad advice, no doubt. BUT in certain cultures, in certain places, honesty isn't the norm. I'm not defending it, I'm just saying. The issue here isn't that this crap is out there to be read -- because, honestly, it's your right to say crap if you want -- but that people believe whatever they read.
If you want to stop the spread of stupidity, don't reproduce it for more people to read and regurgitate later. Because, I bet, if someone's in the predicament of, say, kissing someone other than their SO, they'll remember seeing somewhere that "lying's okay". They won't alwasy remember the message that the poster said "I think that the idea that lying's okay is a crockload of shit". Don't disseminate wrong thinking.
I think, if it happened once, out of nowhere and it was something -not innocent because cheating isn't- but something in the moment... like a kiss you weren't expecting to happen. Or something. And you know its our of character for you, that it'll never happen again, etc... the need to tell your partner is only to soothe your own guilt.
Continuous behind the back cheating, affairs and things of the like however, need to be addressed as you should no longer be in a relationship if you're going to be having a 2nd one behind the person's back.
@PurpleSaxophone@xanga - ditto.
@tigerdauphin@xanga - ditto.
Every situation and relationship in life is different. Honesty is generally the best policy.....but not always. (I mean....do you REALLY want your bf to tell you when you look fat in certain jeans?)