Monday, 28 September 2009
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Attracted to Damaged Goods
Lately I've been wondering if I have a "type" of guy. I'm not talking about the type you might consciously choose, but the type you attract.
After many sleepless nights deep in thought, I realized that all of the guys that have liked me (whether or not I've liked them back) have had serious personal issues.
Guy #1 was obsessive. He was diagnosed with depression. He thought people could read his mind.Guy #2 was a drama magnet. He never considered my feelings. He even claimed to like another guy while we were dating.Guy #3 was extremely self conscious and absolutely hated himselfGuy #4 was abused as a child and was a suicidal alcoholic.And now I've recently started dating a new boy. And of course I'm finding out that he's got a ton of built up anger and frustration. That he will punch things until his knuckles bleed.So, I began to wonder. What is it about me that attracts this type of guy? Is it because I also suffer mental issues? Or is it because, as my friend suggested, I would get bored with an A-OK, normal guy? But it's not like I seek out this type of guy!So what do you think? Is it just a coincidence or am I subconsciously attracting damaged goods?Do you think you have a "type" like this?
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About the Author
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- From: Kacekins@xanga
- About Me: I'm sarcastic, cynical and pessimistic. Don't try and debate me because I'm never wrong :P I love fandom and the internet. I'm a little bit of a nerd. I get obsessed very easily and am a little bit twisted. I'm probably the laziest person ever.
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Comments (46)
i havent given it much thought until i read this blog. but lately, i seem to be attracted to women like this. maybe it is my personality to want to help. idk. i have not thought of them as "damaged goods", but that is a good label.
I think we all, sub-consciously, seek out someone we can relate to. As you stated, you too have issues, and for some odd reason, you also attract guys with major mental issues. As humans, we always try to find people of like mind and heart to associate with. Clicks exist because of this rule and it's not so different with relationships. Perhaps, if you did date an "A-Ok" guy, you'd feel different, left out. Like perhaps he pities you and could never accept you as an equal. Though, I'm sure said guy wouldn't think that if he were an honest guy, you'd feel it.
But, as I'm a guy who's damaged on the mends, I have to say that I'm not really attracted by women with severe problems. Or, it's not an attractive quality I look for. I'll accept anyone so long as they can love me in the same way that I love them. The point is, the problems they have shouldn't affect the relationship. It should really only enhance it. Maybe, idk, you help him and he helps you and together you two can live a decent life knowing that there is at least one person there to support you.
I can't really figure out why you'd be attracting these kinds of people. Maybe because you put up with things like that more than others would? I really am not sure.
I dealt with a person with a lot of excessive baggage and issues once, but I was in way over my head and got out quickly.
I can relate to this, I normally attract the same type of people. So if you figure out the solution to this, please share it with me.
i see a counselor on the regular...she's got a doctorate in psych so she knows what she's talking about. i brought this up because my friend seems to attract the "nice guys" who turn out to be mentally unstable, or not okay.
my friend also has personal issues (she has a personality disorder), and so she attracts guys who have the same level (if not worse) personality disorders. maybe that's it. also the guys that girls are attracted to do tend to be whatever the male figure was in their life.
for me, i only grew up with my mom and had no strong father figure at all. so i always seemed to go for the guys who weren't there for me emotionally (like my father).
for my friend and i, the guys seemed wonderful at first. but after a few month, we started realizing things were not okay anymore, but at the point it was hard to walk away because a lot of time had already been invested. sometimes it happen(ed/s) so gradually we didn't even notice until we were miserable and things were really really bad.
to kind of compensate for this, i am very upfront about my feelings. i need someone who can talk emotions with me, honestly and openly. i set standards for myself, things i will and will not tolerate--from anyone, not just guys btw--and what i need from my SO. sometimes you just have to take a chance. but i think you need to figure out what it is that initially attracts you to these d-bags from the very beginning. figure out what initial aspects attracted you to them, and see if they are in any way related to how the guy turns out to be.
guy 1 may have given you lots of good attention, and then it turned into obsession.
guy 2 may have had lots of friends, a really outgoing social guy. and that turned into causing/being involved in drama.
etc. traits that seem admirable and attractive at first can easily cross that fine line into very bad habits.
I seem to only date dudes with issues.
I think everyone has issues. Therefore, the term "a-ok normal guy" makes me cringe.
that's hard to tell bc we get attracted to ppl like ourselves, who have qualities that we like that we also share, and we get attracted to people who have qualities that are diff from us but that we admire and feel we need to balance ourselves out.
this is interesting because, honestly, everyone is "damaged goods".. it's more/less how you handle your differences. i think that's the most important point... i mean, there is of course a time where you have to just let the boy go if you can't get along with him... sounds like they need help from professionals before getting into a serious relationship with you or any girl. they don't seem emotionally ready. good luck!
guys that like talking to me (since i've never really dated any of them) either already have girlfriends and just like the attention or they have just broken up with their gf and i just look like a nice girl to talk to. usually the relationship was rocky before it ended. i guess i'm a good shrink for guys coming out of broken relationships? no idea.
seems subconscious. i mean, you'd have to talk to them first to have them be attracted to you, right?Â
*Reads the about me* "I'm sarcastic, cynical and pessimistic. Don't try and
debate me because I'm never wrong :P I love fandom and the internet.
I'm a little bit of a nerd. I get obsessed very easily and am a little
bit twisted. I'm probably the laziest person ever." Hmmmm. . . . .you read this and tell me what you get from it.
Well, it might be the places you meet these people, or not acknowledging signs by whom they hang out with (Company they keep). Sometimes it helps to get to know someone before you date them too, but these are only things Ive seen from my friends, your situation might be something else entirely. All I can say, is when you continue to date someone you know is distructive as listed, it is (and not saying you do this) your own fault. Never try and fix anyone =P
Ditto on the attracted too and attracting the same type of men over and over. I tend to go for the "Spock" guys. I mean good men, smart men, who at first get off on how emotional and spontaneous and fun I am. They enjoy the chase and the game, but once they've got me hooked, they return to their previously scheduled life and expect that I'll be there, because I've professed and shown love for them. I mean, they really are good men, but maintaining a relationship always falls somewhere below work and self actualization, such as furthering their education, working on their spirituality etc. They tend toward perfectionism and always have a reasonable justification about why I fall low on their list of priorities.
They are a lot like my dad, who was a good guy but never around for me. My dad actually dotes on my mom, but I got next to no attention from him, he was either working (mostly night shifts, often double shifts) or building something for my mom. I always wanted a guy who'd do nice things for me. But I think, when I go seeking a daddy figure, I still feel the need to earn the attention. And at first I get it, and think 'finally', then, they go back to work and I wonder what happened. Yeah, they are my dad, over and over again. I even like guys older than me, and with a touch of gray...I melt.
I have dated a couple who didn't fit the role, but they didn't do much for me. I didn't have much respect for them. I had ONE guy who was totally different. He was interested in a relationship, made it a priority and treated me great. That was wonderful, a real healing experience for me. Unfortunately outside life situations separated us, but it gave me hope.
I don't know if you want to call it karma, or working out our issues. I know that somehow, inside I still want to be a super special enough girl to win Daddy's attention. And the guys I fall for want a woman who is low maintenance, a trooper, to be their anchor while they attend to the "real" business of life. Maybe I am just like their moms...sigh.
At least the guys I fall for are good guys. But understanding how little control I seem to have for who my heart falls for, I sympathize with the women who fall for abusers, etc over and over.
Therapy can help, if you work out your issues in other places, you can move on. Journaling is a great idea as well.
good luck
I stay away from those types but I agree with snapeful@xanga
Well isn't everyone like that? Doesn't everyone have issues, somehow? Maybe you're just focusing on the bad things and putting them into a "type" category, instead of other things.
I've had two serious boyfriends, and I am in love LOVE with a man who is soon to be my husband. He isn't like any other man. He is much more Dangerous than other men. Typically, I attract really sweet gentleman- so sweet it's annoying because I just don't reciprocate the feeling. Therefore, sometimes I wonder if relationships work only when people are in the same "phase." I am not the sort who is even often drawn to a man. I've only ever felt "drawn" by one man-that's my fiancee. MY POINT: it seems like everyone has a diff set of quirks and only a person who is compatible software/hardware is going to work with you. Maybe you didn't learn what you were supposed to from the one guy who is the prototype of the guys you went after next. Aside from external things, are they really alike. I seem to attract stalkers and I don't know why, so what do I have to learn? Never be friendly and how to be polite without getting in trouble for not being friendly. Lucky for me or let's just call me blessed...I now have a man in my life who watches out for me constantly. I am so joyful because he is the sort who wants to spend Time with me- all time. I am so glad I attracted someone who wants to get old and I finally have someone I want to be sweet back too.
I think I seem to adhere to these types because I have an altruistic nature and I can empathize with them.
I have a friend who attracts lots of messed up people. I thought he was cool at first but I can't hang out with him anymore because he thinks everyone has really bad motives for everything they do. I realized he draws in a lot of messed up people because the normal people (like myself) feel insulted when he accuses me of being insecure or wanting to cause drama.
I've never had a conversation with you before, so I don't know if you're like this, but if you have this view of humanity similar to my friend, this might be the reason.
I think, psychologically, we are drawn to a certain 'type' of person. For various reasons, which I do not have a PhD to explore and explain... lol
But ya, I think a lot of us end up with a general 'type'.
Trust me, we're all Damaged, don't let such a label fool you into believing that only certain people are broken. There are very few people I've known that have lead a charmed life, most of us are jaded, damaged and broken, we have dealt with some terrible things, to mildy annoying things. Despite the levels of severity, and the degree with which we, individually, deal with things... I believe that a lot of people are 'damaged'.
Well everyone has issues. But this kinda seems to be subconscious.
I think you need to find what it is that attracts YOU to THEM. I think you like guys who are a little bit "dangerous" or something. Me? I tend to draw towards guys who are emotional. But I have now acknowledged this to the fact that I have a VERY "Alpha" personality. I tend to be masculine gender speaking, so I think I find men who are more feminine. IDK... That and half of them are either super chill or the other half have anger issues.
i'm attracted to players or guys who already have girlfriends. terrible.
These type of guys feed off pity and you're the one willing to give that to them. A lot of us take awhile to realize what we want and don't want, you need to decide what that is for you. Look at the bigger picture and you might just see that you attract all sorts of men, it's the damaged ones that you pay the most attention to!
people who are attracted to me have obbsession problems..