Sunday, 27 September 2009
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The Reformed Speaks
I am told constantly that cheaters can't reform. Also I am told that those that are afraid of commitment won't commit. Every single day I hear this and every single day I wonder: I wonder what my wife thinks? The truth is we were both scared of commitment but we're together in an open marriage.
The truth of the matter is one day I heard a group of women talking about cheaters and men who's only drive was to have sex and that's it. Yet again, the same question rolls through my head: I wonder what my wife would think? She knows my past. I am a recovering sex addict, who basically never committed himself to one person at a time.
I've tried so hard to get through my addiction or at the least I've tried to stick with just one person. Recently, I ran into my ex, the ex that I was seeing right before my wife, and she told me that she heard I was married. She smirked and said I would like to meet her and see if she really knows you.
The thing is: I haven't slept with anyone but my wife since we've been together. And in fact, she's not concerned that I will go off with someone else. I am just concerned that my ex will do something or say something to my wife that will make her upset, hurt or angry.
I am just wondering, what should I do? Should I avoid my ex? Should I just let things happen? I just want to know what other people would do.
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About the Author
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- From: shadesofillusion@xanga
- Name: Illusian
- Location: United Kingdom
- About Me: Confusion, messed up, entrancing, beast of the night have been words to describe me along with a few others. Tell me what you think of me. Music and working with dreams are the key to my existence. Love me, hate me, either way I'm here to stay.
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Comments (25)
I don't think your ex has any place in your life, or your marriage to see if your wife 'knows' you. That's not her place, nor is it her hand that should stir the pot.
The way you speak about your run-in with your ex makes it sound as if she wants to cause a little mischief. Let dead dogs lie.
You sound really unsettled about your recovering addiction, and it's good to hear that you are doing well. Just have faith in yourself, and be confident that you will always be faithful, while actively and consciously being faithful.
-aCe
Tell your wife the truth, and hope that she believes you. I am sure she will.
I think that's really all you can do.
A certain friend of ours told me to sound objective. I'll do my best at it and I won't say any names or anything. Here it goes:
Your ex is obviously a bitch who needs to get her act together and leave you alone. From an objective standpoint it sounds like you're still struggling like any former addict and how things will never fully leave you alone. That part is hard. But you can do it. Have faith in yourself and your wife. She'll help keep you on track. And as aCe pointed out it does sound like she wanted to cause mischief...perhaps she's jealous you're happy and maybe she's not? I'd say just err on the side of caution with all of this but don't let it get to you like she probably wants it to.
Again, believe in yourself and believe in your wife. Have faith that no matter how screwed up things are or will get that you two are strong enough to get through this and any future issues.
@aCe_KeiAnar@xanga - my ex told me that she has talked to my other "exes" or one night flings and they've discussed how I am basically a no good piece of trash that everyone has to be warned before getting involved with me
@ElusiveSecrets@xanga - Thank you
@AngelVoices@xanga - Oh I have all the belief in my wife that is possible. (Thank you for the objective opinion, dear) It is well... my addiction problem seems every now and then to have a past of its own that is haunting me
The ex has no place in this at all. I'd either avoid her or tell her exactly that.
Both you and your wife have done well to get this far and see past your future.. I mean she's your WIFE now! Forget this ex of yours who's looking out for some drama and a way to put you down.
You have the support of us xangans to make your marriage work =)
mm, i'd tell your wife about the run-in, but i'd not think its a good idea for them to meet. girls (being an unfortunate one of them, i know) are crazy.
that's really great that you've come so far and been faithful to your wife! i think that's awesome.
@shadesofillusion@xanga - brotha, that's none of her business.
Let me edit this and say a few more things.
Even if you were the worst man on earth, who cheated, lied and stole from your wife, your ex has absolutely NO business in your relationship. It is not her role as a human being, and a functioning part in society to do a Public Service and warn all women you are involved or were involved with about your problems. That is strictly YOUR job, and you and your SO's business.
Most people I know wouldn't even want to hear from their current SO's ex, and most people would find the encounter shady and the information untrustworthy.
-aCe
definitely avoid your ex especially if you're worried about what your wife is going to think. i'm sure your wife will understand that you're a changed man, but your ex will do anything to bring you down.
I've never really understood open marriages, as they don't seem to really be.... marriages.... but, whatever, I give you props for trying that out, considering that you were a sex addict. I have respect for you for that.
Your ex is your ex for a reason. She has no right to assume that your wife doesn't know you, and she has no place in your life to make assumptions like that.
I think you should just not let it get to you. :) She's obviously just jealous that she wasn't worth your commitment before. And I think that, if your wife is as open as you've described, what your ex says won't matter to her, or get her upset (because most people won't listen to their significant other's ex anyway).
Honestly, I think she just wants attention from you and that obviously she is trying to get under your skin. Tell your wife. Looks like you are trying to control your addictions. If needed, then gets some therapy and maybe even have your wife come along with you. Keep strong and I know that you can get through this. Your ex has no right in coming back int your life, don't let her effect you this way.
Also, on a subjective point: sorry I introduced you to her.
avoid your ex. shes def going to bring trouble.
I think you just need to focus on your marriage and get everything out. Don't panic to much
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - I agree totally
Tell your wife. Explain the situation to her beforehand so that when/if the ex ever runs into her, there won't be this big meltdown. Better to be informed than surprised, and you'll wife will thank you for keeping her informed.
I would just not initiate any contact with her and stay out of her way. If you two happen to run into each other, so be it. Be nice and have a quick chat. Tell you wife how you feel and why you are uncomfortable with the situation. Warn her that your ex is a little... crazy perhaps, and that she might confront her about your past relationships.
Remember though, it's just that. The past.
I don't think your ex has any place in your life. You should probably tell your wife. Your ex will start trouble and then the question with your wife will be why you never told her yourself, why you hid it; then there's another thing to deal with.
If your ex just wants to meet your wife in order to challenge her connection to you then you definitely do not need to oblige her. On the other hand, if you're wife is interested in meeting her then there's really not much you can do to stop that--just warn her about your ex's intentions.
Are you insane, of course you avoid your ex. Woman hold onto negative things far better than men, and they'll bring that shit up every chance they get, at every argument. Keep the list of negative things as minimal as possible.
She married you with the knowledge of these ex's,what's one more? It sounds like you need to have a bit more confidence in the woman who said she'd be there through it all. That might be the commitment part that you've yet to get over. Some people mean it when they say the wedding vows.
let things go. your wife probably knows better than to listen to your ex .
i agree with everyone who says to tell your wife about the run-in with your ex. i would add a little bit more, though; when you talk to your wife about it, approach it from the standpoint of honesty, openness, and sincere trust. it sounds like all of these things are already present in your relationship with her, so that should be no big deal, and seeing as it seems like she's already been there for you so much, don't be afraid to lean on her a little and let her know when you're feeling overwhelmed. remind her that whenever she needs to lean on you, you'll be there.
as for the ex, it honestly seems like she wants to start trouble because she'd mad jealous of your relationship with your wife. she more than likely feels a little depressed because your wife is the woman who inspired you to be faithful to one woman and treat her with the respect she deserves; your ex couldn't inspire that in you, and it makes her feel like she failed somehow. reminding you of your past mistakes may assuage her feelings of failure temporarily, but not permanently, so she could try to escalate that vengefulness into a desire to create a scene that might also be hurtful to your wife. these are things that you might talk to your wife about-- why this ex in particular is going to such lengths to hurt you, and how you might diffuse the situation should you run into her again in the future.
above all, remember that each day of any recovery is a success and cause for celebration. :) best of luck.
Talk to your wife.
Just ignore the ex. If she says something though, be a total asshole to her. And not in front of the wife. I mean it... it's the only way to make her realize that there is no need to get revenge on you when you are not fucking with her life (currently of course... you aren't, are you?).
@OddlyRegina@xanga - well you see my wife has this problem with feeling closed off which I d to so yea, pen marriage
@Honey14 - I am trying to remember that each day of recovery is great. .. I'm trying and she's helping. I think I will keep what yu said about my ex is mind
@LoveYouToDeath16@xanga - the last time I spoke to my ex is when she broke up with me.
Your ex doesn't have to meet your wife. LOL
Number one... I know that it's possible for a person who has cheated to no longer cheat. It's unfair to say that just because you've cheated a couple times means you'll always cheat no matter what.
Number two... You shouldn't just let things happen. You should tell your wife you ran into your ex and your ex commented on you being married. This way if your ex runs into your wife, your wife is already "on the know".