Saturday, 26 September 2009
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Dating = Too Many Questions
Last night, I had a dream about my ex-boyfriend Nick. My relationship with Nick ended a few years ago and was, in a word, a disaster. I won't say that Nick is a bad person (although sometimes I think he is) but Nick is definitely a person with a lot of issues in serious need of psychiatric help. He treated me very badly.
Anyway, last night I dreamed that I had to give Nick back his stuff (which I already did but in my dream I hadn't). When I went to see him, he was sweet and kind and we agreed to go to dinner as friends. We then went back to his place and our "friendship" turned sexual but in a very romantic way. He was, again, sweet and kind and wonderful. Everything I wish he had been during our relationship. We agreed to try things again (despite the fact that he is, in real life, seeing someone else). I woke up completely confused and shaken by this dream.
I think I know what it means though. I believe that this dream is about my wish to find someone who I connected on a friend and lover level like I did with Nick but also someone who can treat me the way that Nick never did. I know that dream Nick is not the same person as reality Nick. It still shook me though.
Question 1: Ever have a bizarre dream about a long gone ex?
Next topic of discussion.
My friend Kyra had a blind date recently. She said he was cute and nice and it went fairly well. However, she went to the bathroom and came back to find him on the phone. He then apologized saying he had to leave because he got called in to work. It was a Friday night. He is not a doctor. He is a web designer. Anyway, he tried to give her cab fare (she refused) then kissed her goodnight. He texted her a few days later but has not asked her out again. We're inclined to think that he's just not that into her but here's the question on the table:Question 2: If you're not that into a girl, why kiss her? Why offer to pay her cab fare? Why text at all? Wouldn't it be easier to say "It's been fun. Goodnight" and walk away?
In more interesting news: Bachelorette Boy strikes again! When we last spoke (two weeks ago) I ended the conversation by saying "Have a nice life". Then Tuesday I got hit on by a creepy guy and I posted about his lame pickup attempt on Facebook. Many friends commented on this hysterical event (it was a really lame pickup line). Among these many friends... was Bachelorette Boy. He commented with an inside joke of ours. Why? Seriously. What was the point? Does he think we're friends now? Does he think "Have a nice life" means "let's talk in two weeks". I didn't respond.
Question 3: What could he possibly want? Nicole believes that he just wishes to keep me as backup while he decides what he wants from his life (reality tv or reality relationship?). However, I'm no one's Plan B. I'm certainly not his. Would you respond?
Now that we're on the topic of dating detox let me tell you that I am two weeks in and loving it!!! It's given me a great opportunity to avoid putting myself out there and just focus on exactly why it is that all of my relationships crash and burn in a brilliant fiery explosion (this may even be an understatement for how badly things go. Seriously). I think I have an answer. I am too much. Truly. I go too far out of my way for the men I date and let it be no big deal.
I'm all about being a good girlfriend but here is the issue: I never get it back. Why? Because I play it down. Everything is "No big deal" and "No problem" and "Anytime". Which is great. Until a few months down the road when I'm expected to go out of my way for them and they won't drive 10 minutes to see me (this happened). I need to learn to start relationships off on equal playing ground. I cannot be the one making all the effort from the start. This is difficult for me because when I really like someone I am affectionate and caring.
Question 3: Anyone else experience this?
I do have on issue with my dating detox: I like it too much. Seriously. It is so calming and relaxing. I get to be sexy and unattainable. It's so safe. If I go back to dating, I have to face potential rejection. I could start feeling inadequate. I have to face men who make a user name on a dating site "ShitFlingingApe" (seriously? Is that you putting your best foot forward? Yikes!). I have to date wolves in sheep clothing. I could get hurt. I could feel lonely. Any number of things could happen. It's terrifying for me.
Last but not least, Question 4: How do I get past that fear so I can date in 16 days?
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About the Author
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- From: JanetDart@xanga
- Name: Janet
- About Me: I've always loved Sex and the City and with recent ridiculous developments in the lives of me and my dear, darling friends I decided it was most definitely time to start blogging. I hope you enjoy laughing at our lives as much as my friends and I do.
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Comments (19)
1: Sadly, I've only had dreams of my recent ex.
2: Men are terrible animals and do things without reason, I believe it was a move to 'save face'
3: I'd give a more vulgar reinforcement of "have a nice life" vulgarity, though crude, tends to get the point across
3pt2 aka 4:I'm about 2-3 weeks, and I feel oddly refreshed, yet lonely. The loneliness is cured byxanga, the refreshing feeling goes to waste as I veg out and watch movies.
i've had dreams about my ex but it's nothing too serious. it's just like having sex dreams. when it comes to dating, there are always going to be questions no matter what. you're always going to question someone's intention and wonder if it's sincere or not. and getting back into the game after a long break is always hard, but take small steps and go at your own pace, you'll find your way back into the game in time.
I like your last question... that follows your description above it. I want to know too. I'm having similar questions too that I wonder about. "Wolves in sheep clothing" That's a great way to put it! I like it a lot!
I had a dream with my ex a few weeks ago o_o; it was weird and really unsettling. And maybe you shouldn't limit your dating detox? I mean, if it were me, I'd wait until I was comfortable and ready to go back out there.
Okay, this may be a stupid question, but if your current state of being is working for you, then why end the detox in 16 days? Sometimes, you just don't feel like facing the self-esteem crushing disaster that is the dating world. If you don't feel like it's worth it to face the dating scene, then why do it? Wait until you feel ready to face it, and then do so. In the meantime, enjoy being dateless. It can be a whole lot of fun!
-Katie
1. Yes and, relative to your dream, it was too good to be true.
2. I'm actually guilty of doing this myself. :( I went out on a date with a guy and ended it with a make-out session even while knowing early into the date that he was not my type. I'm not entirely sure why I did it since I know it was wrong, but I'm going to take a stab at it and guess it's because I just got out of a really serious relationship and was in need for a rebound. Horrible, I know. I think I need some "dating detox"...
3. I would say nothing. The seconds it would take to respond to him would be seconds wasted.
3. I'm the same... and it is both a blessing and a curse. :(
4. You find someone who will make you get over your fears. :]
2. to let them down easy.
3. he's still thinking about you. fck him tho.
there are two number three's tho. above answer is for teh first one.
1. I just always remember, dreams are dreams... there's nothing you can do about them and don't think so much about them.
2. I'd ignore that dude. It's only the first meeting right? a blind date. Should be no biggie to walk away from this one.
3. I wouldn't respond. You clearly set the line at "Have a nice life," keep to it.
..3? Yes. But if you know that about yourself already, then you know what you have to watch out for in your next relationship.
4. Why end the detox if you're loving it? Why jump back into the dating scene? I believe that phrase... something like, you'll find it when you aren't looking (?)
1. I dream about ex's too, even friends or guys I've dated. It's interesting how they're displayed in my dreams. For example, one will always appear to be sad, while another is always with another woman but looking at me, another always faces away from me in my dreams, etc.. odd, but I think it all means something subconsciously.
2.The reason why I believe that guy did that to your friend was to save face. He might have to see her again someday, and he doesn't want that awkwardness to arise if paths cross. But I'm almost certain that if he said he had to go to work mid-date or used any excuse... he's 99.9% not interested. There is 0.01% he did have an emergency-- some type of embarrassing emergency that he couldn't fix on the spot therefore had to use the work excuse. But if that was the case, he would have asked for another date at another time.
3. I would respond. The thing is, he might just not know what he wants. He might want to be good friends because he finds wonderful qualities in you. I don't see why it's not okay to remain acquaintances, if not friends. There's no reason to treat someone you once liked, worse than you would a stranger.
4. Only you know the answer to that. There is ALWAYS the possibility of rejection. It can happen to anyone and everyone. You have a possibility of getting cancer everytime you play out in the sun. Should that stop you? no, you just have to be smart enough to slather on sunblock. The same way, when you get back into dating, prepare yourself for the worst, because sh*t happens. Just remember, it's all out there for a reason, and you grow from all the mistakes and letdowns.
1. I 've had dreams.
2. There is a possibility that he really did need to go to work. Who the FUCK would make up that excuse at the time if it wasn't true. I think that he felt so bad, that he was really just AFRAID to ask you out again after the first disaster.3. don't worry bout him. 4. rejection is hard if you take it hard. the more you date, the more you experience acceptance AND rejection. and neither is a great or bad as you may think.On 1: I had a dream I punched my ex in the face. The only dream I've ever had with him in it, and the best dream I've ever had to date.
1.I've had some interesting dreams, and some awkward dreams.
2.Maybe he IS into her, BUT work called. And he probably wants to stay friends and keep in contact until he can ask her out again. *shrugs.
1. yeah, but i just forgot about it
2. no need to reject so quickly jeez
3. no, why bother if you dont CARE about that guy
3. see above
4. wat. just dont date, it's simple
1. Yes. In fact, I had one this week about my ex (we broke up 2&1/2 yrs ago). I dreamt that we were hanging out, and it was all romantic, then when we were lying down, he was saying that he wanted to be with me again, and I was like, "Great timing. I wanted to be with you for so long, and now I don't. You had your chance."
2. He was keeping her on the back-burner. Just rude. He offered her cab fare, because he felt bad about his behavior (as he shood, but cab fare won't make it okay).
3. I wouldn't respond. That's dude's delusional.
4. Use that sexy unattainable allure to your advantage when you do start dating again, and maybe you'll attract the right kind of guy. Sometimes, you have to take risks in life to get what you want.
Seriously? This was a featured post?
It sucked.
I broke up with my ex 3 yrs ago, till now i still will dream of him even i had no feelings for him anymore. I admit he was the one i loved the most, after him i had met someone else too, but still will dream him, how cruel he is, how heartless he is.
Is just u can't control what u going to dream of so ignore it. You will feel alot better if u choose to ignore it =)
@LoveYouToDeath16@xanga - my apologies. hopefully next time you'll enjoy my latest one more.
I'm definitely with you on the not getting anything back thing. I always drive 20 miles to see my boyfriend, I always make him cakes/brownies/cookies/dinner, I always massage him, touch him, send him cute text messages and stuff like that but I never really get it in return. So what am I supposed to do? Haha
@emilyd_foster@xanga - But doesn't that drive you crazy???? I've ended relationships over this.