Thursday, 24 September 2009
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Forgiving Enough to Let Go?
It's been four years since this has happened and yet it somehow finds its way back into my mind. I know I should get over it and just move on with my life but I feel as though I don't know how to. And if I did, what goes on from there?My husband now and boyfriend then cheated on me about four years ago. You know, you never really think that things like this can actually happen to you because you force yourself to believe it can only happen to other people. But you can only force yourself for too long.
Though it's been four years, it still haunts me until this day. Now that we're married, I guess I should somewhat feel secure and trusting because we made the ultimate bond and we also have a 3 year old daughter together. I know I should be happy and I know that I should get over it but it's so difficult when all your mind does is replay the image of him telling you, "I've cheated on you."
I feel like if I were forgiving enough to forgive him for being unfaithful, I should be forgiving enough to let it go. It's just upsetting though to hear him tell me he loved me but then find love somewhere else. I sometimes feel inadequate and I know this affects our marriage greatly. I just can't understand or fathom how someone can tell you they love you so much and that you mean so much to them and then cheat on you. It just doesn't make any sense to me.
I know it probably isn't any easier on him than it is on me to have to hear me bring up the past and to try to solve the unanswered questions. I figured if we could talk openly about the cheating then we could overcome the obstacle that holds us back from having a happy marriage. This is why I pretend sometimes like it never happened. It sounds ridiculous but if I pretend like it never happened, I could be happy again and we just get on with our lives for the moment. That's until we get into an argument and that's when I remember it the most.
I understand that not every relationship is perfect and I'm OK with that. As everyday goes by, I teach myself to be a stronger and tougher person because I don't want to live my life in grief or regret. I guess I want everybody to realize that it's OK to be hurt and sad because that's the apart of the healing process. I realized that I'm not the happy person I would love to be because I'm still not over it. I may not be over it in three years from now or even ten years but eventually I'll get there. I just need to move at my own pace.
Have you ever been cheated on by someone you love or loved? How did or do you cope with the feeling of being heartbroken?
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- From: babixk1umzy@xanga
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Comments (33)
I know how you feel, and I still have such a hard time forgetting about what he did. It bothers me nearly every day, even though it happened a long time ago. He gets mad whenever I bring it up and doesn't understand why it still affects me; he claims to have completely forgotten about her.
Forgivness is true love. Not only with him, but yourself, too.
I think it depends on how strong the bond or relationship is. In your case, it seems devastating because of the marital commitment. You have to consider people are not flawless, they can err. It depends on their character and motives. Do you think they did it to you to hurt you (unlikely) or because of their own reasons (re: flaws?). Also, it depends on the impression they had on you and how much they mean to you.
Personally, I have been cheated on but considering the relationship was not that strong, our bond was not that great. I was only hurt because I felt my ideals of people in general being tainted. Sub-consciously, my ego was hurt in some ways because cheating in the relationship implies inadequacy on the recipient's part.
@SupperMick@xanga - I completely agree.
For me, it was hard to process the "I cheated on you" I
had to start forcing myself not think about it, and after awhile it stopped hurting. Now it doesn't bug me.
@SupperMick@xanga - i totally agree.
Its totally cool for you to think that way. The wise forgive but never forget.
Coming from experience, you will never be able to forget what he did to you. It takes a very strong person to be able to forgive and then stay with that person and then marry him/have his kid. You really have to take it day by day, tell yourself that he does love you, that he is with you and no one else. Whenever you think about him cheating on you, just say that he is with you, that he loves you. I try to do that myself. My situation was not the same at all but it has been almost 7 months and I still finding myself saying "I just wish that he would love me", I know that he loves me but I just have to keep reminding myself that he does.
I'm going through the same thing right now. Its been a year since he cheated but it feels like yesterday.
God, I can't believe you even stayed with him.
That aside, the fact that you guys can't even talk without arguing about it sends up a red flag. He should respect your desire (and I say right) to know what happened and why, and any other questions you have, ESPECIALLY since you stayed with him!
Wow.
Cheating would have been a deal breaker.
Maybe you're a better person than I, on that.
But to deal with being heartbroken, I think you need that closure.
Some reassurance.
It's not your fault.
something bad happened to you and it's your right to get some peace on the subject.
I really don't think I've been cheated upon. Of course, none have actually said it in front of me to my face that they have cheated on me.
But sadly my relationships don't last long enough for some sort of cheating to take place.
wow. i just saw this movie lastnight called 'the last kiss" reminded me of your story. yea i dont know how ppl can start over again aftr being cheated on :/
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself!
My latest ex-boyfriend that I dated for three years cheated on me about three times. I still regret staying with him as long as I did and when I look back on it, I don't know why I did that. Each time he did it, I found out. He never had the balls to tell me to my face. I kept repeating the situations to myself over and over and over, it left me quite miserable throughout the whole relationship. I should have ended it immediately, he never did change. I thought I could forgive and forget the first time, but I actually couldn't, even if it was once. I can forgive, but never forget. I forgave him for being a cowardly, irresponsible, immature, lying, self-centered prick that he still is, but I never could forget and get passed what happened. I also cannot fathom how someone can possibly tell someone to their face that they love them and then cheat on them. But there are a lot of lying scumbags in the world who deserve to be alone until the end of their days. Can you tell I hate liars and cheaters? =]
Breaking up with that tool was the best thing I could have done for myself. I have a new boyfriend and I feel completely secure with him. I'm not constantly wondering who he's talking to or if he's hiding something because for the first time, I can trust my boyfriend. It feels great and I have never been happier.
Forgiveness is easy, forgetting can be damn near impossible.
Wow, first off, props for sticking with the guy. You seem like such a strong person, and I hope you start feeling better. I've been cheated on before too. It just plain hurts. You have a great path open if you ask him to talk rationally about it. Just say to him "Listen, I know it's in the past and over with, but I've been thinking of when 'that incident' happened four years ago, and I'd like to clear the air about it for my own peace of mind". Honestly, if he refuses you an answer when you put it like that, he may not feel guilty at all.
i've never cheated or been the one cheated on, but i know lots of people close to me that have been the one cheating or on the receiving end. i guess if i was on receiving end, i wouldn't know how to react.
I don't think there is a right/wrong/should about this sort of thing, it's totally a case by case basis. If it hurts you, and continues to hurt you, that is just the way you are, the way YOU react to such a thing.
I'd suggest you get some therapy to help you identify what the underlying issues are for you. That is not saying that if you have therapy you will necessarily get over it, but i think that therapy can help you figure out what you want and need to do. You may find you are able to release the pain, or you may find that it truly IS a deal breaker for you.
I've cheated on my spouse, and he was able to accept it and go on, to truly accept it. I don't know why or how, that's just him. I wouldn't have blamed him or been surprised if he'd thrown me out.
I am surprised you went ahead and married when this was weighing so heavily on your heart. You clearly love him and your child a great deal. I hope you can get some assistance in taking a deeper look at the issue, and hopefully finding some peace and answers for yourself.
I would say to work on the "issues" that made him want to go out and do it in the first place. Talking it out and listening is the first opening steps. It is hard, and it will take lots of time. I think that you're angry (duh!)
He does love you, if he did stay with you and have a child too, if he didn't he would have left along time ago but you already know this.
He has to open up and talk to you about how he feels, what he really thinks too. And vice versa.
Best of luck to you and hope that it works out.
hey, at least he told u right? plenty of assholes out there who wouldn't, and leaving the girl blissfully ignorant.
@SupperMick@xanga - totally agreed.
I had this before too, except I am no longer with him. yay!
I forgave him, and I was sad. and two weeks later I couldn't take it no more, cause as yhou said i couldn't understand how he can say he loves me then go to another girl and say he loves her... just doens't make sense.
It stil comes back, but I got someone else now, and I think on the positive side... he gets to have his "secret lover" and I'm on and living a happy life with someone that truly loves me back and care for me =)
takes times, darling.
Wow, I'm sorry to hear that you are still hurting so much. (Wish hugs could be sent through the 'net, huh?) Perhaps you and your husband should look into marriage counseling. You are both realizing that this is a huge thing standing between your family and have tried to address it, but the issue keeps bouncing back. I hope that somehow the two of you find the strength, forgiveness, and wisdom that you need to move on towards a happy life for both your marriage and your child. =)
We forgive others so much easier than we can forgive ourselves. I'm sorry that you've been carrying that burden for so long but it's time to forgive yourself and move on.
Very similar story....
My husband, then boyfriend, and I were I believe six months into our relationship Or a little bit before. Im still not clear on the time frame. But I knew that he was cheating on me. He didnt confirm it though until his Ex called him to let him know that she was in labor with his child. That night Dec. 9 2005 was the hardest day of my life. I myself being pregnant as well.
Had to make a pain stakingly life decision. I was far too in love with him to let him go.
Our relationship suffered through out and we welcomed our son in 2006 and in the beg of 2007 I broke it off with him because I couldnt take the pain and lowered myself to his level taking cheating as revenge. I never thought myself to be revengeful but I am. and I do it the nastiest way played. After I told him I cheated on him I felt like the biggest piece of shit ever and so I didnt want to see him see me anymore.
He persisted, calling and talking to me coming to visit our son and 7 months later we ended up back together.
I dont think about it anymore. Not his faults or mine.
His Ex and I are actually pretty good friends now.
I guess I got closure from talking to her.
In 2008 I married him.
In 2009 we welcomed our little girl ...
Like you said at your own pace. Also if you forgave him like you say you did dont every bring it up again. You hurt yourself by doing that even more. You hurt your relationship when you bring it up. You constantly remind him of his flaws and that just pushes him away......
@copycat718@xanga - you do need help...you NEED to let him go. He already takes you for granted......let him go. He knows the routine and how to get back into your "heart" bed.