Wednesday, 23 September 2009
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Am I Playing With Fire?
So, I’ve been single for a while. My last relationship ended in a divorce. I’ve been lied to, hurt like I’ve never felt before, and at one point, felt like I wasn’t good enough for anyone because of all the criticism and negative feedback that my ex-husband fed me.Right now, I’m just playing the field to see which person may be the best for me. I am currently talking to two guys right now and one actually think we are in a committed relationship with each other, but I just want to see what else is out there for me.
The first guy is my best friend, Jake. We dated eight years ago, but it didn’t work out. We lost in contact with each other and found our way to each other again last year. Since then, we’ve talked here and there. I’m comfortable with him. I know I can count on him for anything and he has express his strong desires to us to take it to the next step, but I’m just not ready for him yet nor do I feel that passion burning for him as more than a friend. I let him know him my feelings already and we still continue to talk to each other – him hoping that one day I will be ready to give him my heart.
The second guy is Chris. I met Chris some time ago. The more we talk and get to know each other, the more I am attracted to him. But one thing is that I don’t feel as comfortable with him as I do with Jake. I talk to Chris more than I do with Jake, but when problem arises, I seek advices and comfort from Jake. On the other hand, he had also expressed his feelings for me and we have established that we are in a relationship with each other by carrying the official title of “boyfriend and girlfriend,” but that may be one side only and that’s his side. He thinks we are in a relationship but to me, I am still single. Even though I am not ready to really be in a “committed” relationship with him, I also don’t want him to talk to anyone else either.
Not only that, but I am also seeing and talking to my ex-husband as well. We both have moved on and we both know where we stand with each other, so our relationship is more like a “friends with benefit” type of relationship.
None of these guys know about each other (except the fact that I was married once before but not having a FWB with my ex-husband) and I would like to keep it that way.
The way I see it, if Chris and I work out, that’s great. If not, I have Jake to fall on. Then again, if I don’t have that burning desire to be with him, I can still keep him close and as a friend. All in all, if it doesn’t work out at the end, I’ll move on.
I’m playing with fire and I know what I’m doing. I’m not going to make any excuses for my actions. I know what I’m doing is wrong and selfish, but at the end of the day, hey, I’m doing what’s best for me regardless what my actions are and I am expecting all kinds of comments for this post.
With that being said, have you ever talked to more than one person at once?How did you know which one to choose at the end?And did you have any regret?
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- From: AJanae@xanga
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Comments (51)
My advice is that you should make it clear to Chris that you're not in a committed relationship yet just because you're not ready for it. If he finds out about your feelings for Jake (or about Jake in general) he's going to be really angry and really hurt and that can only end in disaster. It's also really dishonest to let him assume one thing while you think another. Sure physical attraction is intense, but it's not everything.
Whoa, this just sounds like it's going to blow up. Though the only thing I really wanna say is that I think you really should set things straight with Chris. Don't let him think youre bf/gf and then him find out you don't feel that way, because if you DO decide to get all serious and committed with him, and he realizes you felt like that, welll. Iunno.
Either way, I have never talked to more than one person at once. It just makes me feel weird to do so, haha.
I did once, but in the end I told the other guy to back off.
Kinda sounds like if you don't get things straight with Chris, things could get messy.
Good luck with this situation! My story is not exactly like yours but it is similar enough that I can guess know what an awkward, tough situation it is. I have no advice, but I really wish you the best.
I had two guys interested in and pursuing me at once and neither knew about the other. It was hard to choose because I really felt an emotional connection to one, but everything else was a red flag, and I was attracted to the other, who had more things going right for him, but we couldn't have very deep conversations.
It worked out for me. I was very, very lucky. I left the country for nearly a month. When I came back, emotional connection guy announced he was interested in another girl. I was devastated for about a day. :P Phew! My ticket out of an awkward choice! A couple days later, the other guy asked me to be his girlfriend. First guy was a little confused, I think, at how that happened so fast, but since he was allegedly over me he couldn't complain. I was so fortunate to get out of that tough choice, because somebody would have had to have gotten their feelings hurt eventually and someone, maybe both of them, would have ended up mad at me.
I do not have much experiance with guys, but i do know out of the experiance i do have that it will most definately blow up in your face, and you could be left with nothing if and when that happens. If your not ready for a relationship, then be honest with that. I dont think you have moved on from your ex husband, i think once you actually break away from him you will actually figure out what your true feelings are.
i have talked to more than one person at once, but i never led one on to believe that we were in a committed, exclusive relationship.
In all honesty, one or both of them will find out you are in a FWB with your ex-hubby, and things will just go down from there.
- John
It's only fair to date multiple people when everyone in the situation knows what's involved. ie Open relationship or when you're getting to know the individuals and eliminating the incompatibles.
Personally, I've dated only two simultaneously. I made sure I wasn't physical with either and since we weren't that serious I didn't bring up the fact I was dating either.
i don't know how you do it....
i think it's too much what you're doing. 2 guys and your ex husband....thats just not right
what a b*tch! always doing what's best for yourself!
it's one thing to hurt yourself, but it is another to drag others along and mis-leading them!
do what's right damn it!
and stop being FWB with your husband! have some self respect!
I can understand if you want to play the field some after your divorce, but to lead someone on to think that your in a committed relationship, is foul, especially if your not even into the guy. It sounds like you are afraid of being alone and are clinging to all of them, so that you don't have to be alone.
Yeah,i didn't,and still haven't,because i'm single[4 months thing ended recently]and i don't have the need to choose. But it is selfish.
@Parsimony@xanga - the differences is you were NOT being Physical with them while the original poster IS!
it's one thing dating around, but it is another to have a physical relationship with them and NOT letting them know!
Plain and simple you are a female playa and in the end of it all you are going to be screwed up and end up by yourself.
my boyfriend was doing that to me in the beginning of the relationship when he wasn't sure which of us he wanted to stay with. i found out about everything and i was more hurt than i had ever been in my life. a year later we are still together but the fact that he had lied to me and cheated on me for all that time and i had no idea for so long even though we were living together scares me and really hurt our relationship, to the point where we need counseling.
if you ever do decide to have a real relationship with one of them there is always going to be that issue between you even if they don't know about it you are still going to know. so you've basically ruined any chance at a relationship with any of the 3.
good luck with that... and yes, i think you are playing with fire
i've never dated more than one person at a time but that's just where i draw my line. to each their own, i suppose. but know the risks..
Oh man, this is freaky weird. I'm stuck choosing between a best friend named Jake and a guy I'm more attracted to named Chris and still talking to my ex. But I backed off from all of them and that's kept me from going insane. Just tell all of them you need a break and take a couple of weeks off, it will clear things up.
right now, i'm dating three different guys and i don't know who to choose because i like something about each one of them but not to the point where i would say that i'm going to commit to one person. i don't know. i used to know, but i don't know anymore because i don't want to make the same mistakes again.
I wish I wasn't eating when reading this post. You are gross.
meh, sounds like neither of them are good for you. and no i haven't.
yes, and I chose the wrong one... and now getting back with the one that i didn't choose, which works way better :)
I've talked to more than one guy at a time but never led anyone on by giving them titles to make them stay with me. That's not only self-fish but an asshole move. For the most part in my past relationship I was the "pending gf." And that's not a very good feeling once you find out that you're just there just in case specimen #2 doesn't work out. It's like, who the fuck do you think you are putting me on the back burner for you? Making me waste my time, energy, and love for you.
You should put yourself in the other person's shoes( I'm mostly talking about this Chris kid since he's in a completely different world right now thinking you two are bf & gf). It's not too late to end the tragedy now of Chris finding you on the kitchen table with Jake, or your ex-husband, or both at the same time.
People who do these kinds of schemes always end up with no one in the end due to their selfishness and the consequences will be 10 fold. Good luck.
If that's the case, than it doesn't sound like any of them are right for you. Leading this guy on who thinks he's in a real relationship is selfishness. But looking at the other comments I think people have pretty much said it all.
But if you say you already know what you're doing, I won't bother patronizing any more, other than I think this is going to come back to bite you.
But no, I've never been interested in more than one person at a time. I'm honestly not attracted to many people. When I come across someone who genuinely interests me, I pretty much stay with that interest.
holy crap, good luck, person!