Before you get married, its good to get all those insecurities out of the way; however, its not always easy bringing them up. Before my fiance got back together two years ago, we had a one year break. In which we both learned about ourselves, and both kept a blog. We both snooped, at least to an extent. In those blogs, I learned a lot, who he liked, what he liked, some of the things he liked, like new girls he liked. He wrote in one of his blogs about how he was turned on that she liked corsets and liked to dance, which blew my mind. I had always wanted a corset, but he always thought they were stupid. Maybe he just thought they didn't fit my persona?
In another blog he talked about how he wanted to have sex with a friend of his when out dancing (he doesn't dance, ever, I couldn't even get him to dance with me at my prom!) Now, past was past, but when we got back together, I knew who the girls were, they showed no interest in him, but ... I knew he was attracted and at one point whacked off to these friends. That, for me, was a hard thing to get past. One of the girls I couldn't be friends with. Everything turned out okay, but somethings I never confronted him about, because they were in a past I was not apart of.
However, today. I thought to myself, I cant marry a guy without knowing the truth to some of these questions.
I love him more than anything, but after reading his blog, I needed to know he wasnt just settling. So I asked him some questions that stemmed from the many blogs that he wrote that I hesistate to try and type. Some of them being:
1. "If I were not to change in any way (meaning getting a better job, maybe having a hard time in school or not fulfilling all that I plan to do) would he still want to be with me?
2. If I ever became disabled and could not work or support myself, would he stay with me, or be too hard?
3. If I were put in a coma, how long before he would pull the plug?
He was a little shocked to hear some of the questions I asked, and I'll admit, some of them were stupid. But.. he really gave me the answers I needed to hear, was sincere and although I had no doubts before, I feel like I am making the best decision of my life with him. He is fantabulous in every way.
Honestly, have you ever been in a situation like that? I mean, isnt it intimidating? I felt like asking some of those questions might have made him have doubts, but I couldn't have been more wrong. What would be some questions you would want to know, straight up, before getting married? I mean, I covered A LOT of area outside the ones Ive written, I just cant get them all, but I would like to hear what you guys have to say.
So if you had been, or could ask your SO right now a question, what would it be? Would there be any barrier in asking them?
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Comments (75)
I think those are perfectly reasonable questions. I think the responses tell a lot about that person.
I ask my boyfriend tough questions whenever they arise. Timely communication is very important in a relationship. I don't like things being bottled up inside and then becoming disastrous by the time I do ask.
Not at all. I've learned that it's better to be a bit uncomfortable now then wonder later.
But I also want to ask other questions before marriage such as:
who cooks? who do the dishes? who takes out the trash? private time? cheating? discipline kids? etc...
I would ask him if he would leave me when I cry
=)
3 isn't a reasonable question.
If you really think about it, and you really think realistic, and you really love your SO, you wouldn't make him wait forever (that's a plus if he's young). You have no reason to hold him back into his life and into his future.
so who's going to fart first?
a) Ever slept with someone who has STD?
b) IF I were dead, will he remarry?
c) 30 reasons why he wanna marry me. He has to convince me
d) Money on household - is it 50-50 split or what?
e) Does he want kids?
I just dont want him to think I'm a worrywart by asking these questions :|
hrm. i never thought about it. most things i just hope to find out before we get married.
There's nothing I really need to ask my SO, we've already covered a lot of things. Nothing's really hidden between us, I don't think. There's no barrier in asking him anything, if I did have a question or two.
@methodElevated@xanga - thats really good, bottling up can seriously cause some issues, Ive learned that from experience >.<
@tigerdauphin@xanga - Ooh, those are some good questions. I think I might use some of those soon, hadnt thought about that senario yet! Thank you!
@LoveYouToDeath16@xanga - Hopefully he wouldnt leave such a gorgeous girl, but I understand where you come from. At one point before my hormones were regualted by birth control, I used to cry a lot ...and well, it made him feel horrible, which made me feel horrid and wonder if he would leave me. Im pretty sure our situations arent exactly the same, but I get you.
@SerenaDante@xanga - =D
@mikeylohsu@xanga - Im glad you pointed that out, but in this situation, I just wanted to know what to expect of him [not really judging him in any way] , and to tell my family his expectations if I were to come into circumstances as such. You know, just so its out in the open. I mean, I woulnt expect him to stay with me if Ive been in a coma for a month. It was hard enough seeing my friend in one for a week. Its just good to know and talk about it.
@wyrdkismet@xanga - lol that happened long ago with us. It was quite embarrassing too. He made me laugh so hard - I farted. After that, he had no prob.
@silverlocket_88@xanga - Excellent questions, some of those I would ask before a relationship all together. Haha, I wouldnt push c., for me that is. I could eventually think of 30 reasons, but im sure they'd start to all sound the same. haha you know, its really all about timing, but if your serious, its better to get it out of the way I guess. I dont know him, but its definately worth getting off your chest!
@wolvenchic@xanga - :)
wait, you're 20 and engaged to be married? My god, what is the rush to the alter?
Anyway, if it really bothers you, you should have a talk with him. If you don't, it will follow you into your marriage and that's the last thing you want.
To be hones, i really haven't thought about this before. But if I could find out the 100%, honest to God, unfettered truth on anything? What would I ask? I think, if any... my only question would be
"Do you really love me?"
In my book ,everything else kinda doesn't matter. Everything else will end up getting itself worked out, or will be dealt with later on. And in all reality, I tend to lie on the side of 'ignorance is bliss' side of things. I fully realize that my someday girlfriend and hopefully someday wife will have had twenty some odd years of life behind her before she gets to me... most of which only has as much bearing on the present as I choose to give it. So, i'm not really sure i want to hash out every skelleton out of her closet. If she wants to tell me, then thats fine, but I dunno... Because most of it really wont be productive to hear or know about. Who she was then doesn't necessarially effect who she is now. It very well may, but still...
But then again, it might be different for a guy.
@utoppia@xanga - Lol yeah, i know... young isn't it?
@utoppia@xanga -@TheDoubleDeuces@xanga - well, its not a rush to the alter just for the sake of it, IVe been dating him for 5-6 years, and due to some of life's occurances, its better for us to do so and would let (personally) my religous beliefs at ease. If I didnt know him, his traits, flaws, strengths, friends family and all that jazz, I dont think I'd be jumping the gun. Im one of those "lets wait at least 2 years" kinda girls. And 23 isnt that bad of an age to get married, i mean, Im not poppin' out kids anytime soon =P
I am glad I asked him, but it seemed like I knew all the answers, I just needed to hear/verify them. Mom always said never to assume these days. =D
I wouldn't have been able to get past the fact that he jacked off to a friend.
@wolvenchic@xanga - Haha. I'm currently at the single table.
Well, I guess I have to make him to convince me to marry him.. because I don't really believe in marriage.
@utoppia@xanga - @TheDoubleDeuces@xanga - I got married at 19. =D
Are you ready to spend the rest of your life with me?
and
Why me out of everyone that you can choose from?
I can't think of anything specific. There are details about life after marriage that would have to be worked out, but I think the deciding factor would be that this was sincerely what both of us wanted for ourselves, and for our futures. I would want to know if the path he'd picked was what he felt would make him most happy.
@chayswag@xanga - yeah that totally weird me out...
I don't think you can honestly know what you would do until you are put in those situations.
and I don't think 20 is too young to be engaged.
I'm 20 and I've been married for 2 years.
Just because that's too young for some people, doesn't mean you're not ready.
@tigerdauphin@xanga - Chores should simply be done as needed by whomever has the next opportunity to take care of them. It is a partnership after all, there should be no set jobs listed per person; except where you agree who's better at what.
@silverlocket_88@xanga - What if he's just head over heals for you, can't imagine a life without you, and simply cannot explain further than that? Though, if he really knows you as well as he should by that time and he really does love you as a whole, there is probably a list of your features that [as a whole] draw him in and keep him stuck to you.
@wyrdkismet@xanga - Hahaha!!!! Just get it over with if you can't hold it in.
I'm not sure what questions I would ask. Maybe I'd just get to know her as a friend and find out all I need to know that way. Then if I fall in love and feel compelled to ask her to marry me, I will. (you can have many friends of opposite gender when single, get to know all of them and then ask for marriage with the one who's still unmarried and fits you best; it's better than being in an uncertain or not mutually fulfilling relationship and feeling bad because you suddenly found out that someone else is available and fits you like a glove, especially if that person feels it too)
@Fairywife@xanga - excuse me while i pull my foot out of my mouth... i'll be right back...