Wednesday, 23 September 2009
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Can You Trust Someone with a Cheating Past?
I am currently in a long distance with “Sam.” By saying I’m in a long distance, I mean by me being in the US and Sam being in Europe. Not to mention, this is Sam’s first long distance as well. Most of my relationships have been long distance so this relationship is just like any other relationships for me.Well, Sam and I was talking the other day about anything goes and I asked him if he have been faithful to his past girlfriends (he has fourteen exes), and he told me no. He told me that he once dated three girls at once (and they live in the same city as him) and that he has never been faithful to any of his past girlfriends. After hearing this, it made me raise my brows. I mean, wouldn’t you?
I never took him as a cheater. I always thought he was “faithful” to his past girlfriends. And no, I don’t believe in that phrase, “Once a cheater is always a cheater.” That’s a pretty narrow way to look at things in life.
But then again, yes, we are in a long distance relationship. This is his first long distance relationship. He have told me it have been difficult for him. Not only that, but I’m also the first girlfriend to him that he wants to be good to and he told me that he would never do anything to hurt me intentionally.
I know I should trust him and give him the benefit of the doubt, but after finding out this bit of truth from him, it does make me curious if he will ever cheat on me?
Have you ever dated anyone who had a cheating past and how did you deal with it after finding out about it?
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Comments (59)
I hate it when people say 'once a cheater always a cheater'. Seriously? People ARE capable of change. It's human nature.
But um, yea. That is very difficult to say because you're in a long distance relationship. How would you find out if he did?
Yes. There's not much you can do about it except hope for the best or you can leave them before they cheat, if they were ever going to.
This sounds really, really bad to be honest...
My boyfriend lives in Denmark (and I'm in the US), but to be honest, we have the best relationship out of all our friends. The reason why is the fact that we COMMUNICATE our feelings. So, if you are feeling nervous about this fact, I would definitely bring it up gently telling him that you need some reassurance.
Also, fourteen ex's?! Damn. My boyfriend and I each have two serious ex's so I guess it's different...but I can say being in a long distance relationship is that you both need to communicate a lot.
You should have trust on him even if he has a cheating past as you mentioned that your past relationships have been long distance so you understand the importance of trust in a relationship...
and if there is no trust among the partners in a relationship then the relationship cannot exist...
I don't nescessarily believe in the "once a cheater always a cheater"
thing either, because people have the ability to change. But I don't
think I'd go out with someone who has cheated before. And if I were to
find out that the guy I was already dating had cheated before...I think
I'd end up a little bit paranoid about it; you just never know
sometimes.
Of course it would make me feel uncomfortable and wonder whether he'll cheat. Hearing that he has never been faithful is a bit alarming, but you still have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I only say this because I have a cheating past as well, and I've learned my lesson. I've been faithful to my last two boyfriends ever since. Therefore, I know it's possible to trust someone with a cheating past. The key is whether they have learned from their mistakes, or whether they even see them as mistakes.
People have the ability to change. Keep on trusting him and giving him the benefit of the doubt until you are suspicious of his actions or have evidence to back it up. Everyone deserve a chance until they break it regardless what their past were.
Yes I have dated somebody with a cheating past... and he ended up cheating on me too.
don't let my experience discourage you though. people change.
I have cheated twice before and now I've been in a serious relationship for almost a year and a half and have been completely faithful.
if he really cares about you temptations will be much easy to overcome.
good luck :)
Nope, I wouldn't be able to trust them because of it and therefore a relationship would never last. That's me though, you should just go with your gut instinct it can't go wrong.
i wouldn't be able to trust someone if he has cheated. i'm too paranoid.
in law, all defendents are innocent until proven guilty, so i'd say give him a break... i mean, he could've lied about being unfaithful to his exes and dating three girls all at the same time isn't even a biggy... if he was seeing three girls all at the same time, that would probably be a different story... and then again, it is possible he changed the story to make it sound less of an effect... and he could've said things to make you trust him.... but who knows...
I'm sorry, but three girls at once?! =/
Props to him for the honesty, but long distance relationships are difficult in the first place. So if he has issues with remaining faithful to women whom he can actually see and touch on a regular basis, think of how easy it would be for him to cheat on someone who is less likely to catch him on the act?! Temptation is always around, and it seems as if he has fallen for it more than once. I'm all for people changing, but be careful with this one...
Get rid of this guy NOW. He told you he has 14 EX-GIRLFRIENDS and that he's cheated on ALL of them? Trust me, you will NOT be any different, ESPECIALLY since you're in different countries.
Really, though? Unless he's planning on moving here in the next few months or you're planning on moving there...what's the point? Where did you meet this guy anyway, the internet?
Really, honey. English isn't even your first language. Start dating guys you actually KNOW and actually get to spend time with. Not guys from other countries.
Everyone makes mistakes. The key is to treat every relationship separately. People may change if you give them the chance. If you think it's a possibility that it might happen again then refrain from the potential futility and drama.
I'm not sure I go with 'once a cheater, always a cheater' because for lots of people, the situation is as much an issue as their own personality. They may find that is a truly solid relationship, they have no interest in cheating.
I've cheated. I am currently cheating. I apparently am a person who, when things ain't right at home, goes looking for outside validation. It's a combination of who I am and the situation I am in. That's the simple truth, and I'm guessing that it's like that for most people who cheat. A few cheaters just get off on getting away with something, but most of us...are seeking to get whatever we consider our needs met one way or another. And once we get over the matters of conscience, the fear of getting caught, the fear of stigma related to cheating, and some finesse in how to do it...we are more likely to do it again.
If he's consistently cheated, and you are in a long distance relationship...yeah, I'd say he's likely to go get his sexual needs met elsewhere...and maybe some of his emotional needs, because it's way different having a partner near, than someone you care about far away. The point of a relationship, after all, IS companionship.
If you want to know more about why I cheat...I have a blog just about that. It's the honest unvarnished truth and it's not pretty, but cheating is such a frequent subject here that I figured that someone should be willing to tell the inside story.
I'm in a long marriage, getting out of it is not something lightly or easily done. If I were just dating, no kids, property, extended family, community ties involved..I probably wouldn't cheat, I'd just move on. I don't cheat for the hell of it. like I said, I have what I perceive to be "needs" that arent' getting met in my marriage.
Fire away! I'm not justifying cheating, just telling you what I know from my own experience.
once a cheater, always a cheater? not necessarily, but be very wary, because of our personalities, we ARE likely to stray again
I hate long distance relationships, to me i dont see how they work, so when i hear about one i already get uptight and its the warning sign that makes me flee from the person. Trust is a whole different issue, because being in a long distance relationship can really feel lonely and the person might be tempted to look else where. You never know tho, what he may do or not. In the end, distance is a test in relationships. You have to start somewhere. If you cant trust him then its a waste of time on both parts, even if he has a past.
fourteen exes and not faithful to any of them? honestly, sounds like this guy is stuck in his ways....
i don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater." people make mistakes, just because you cheated ONE time doesn't mean you're gonna do it again. but you should be careful with someone who has cheated in the past; my ex-boyfriend had cheated on his ex with me, and when we got together he cheated on me with my best friend.
No.
And
Good Luck.
Don't you ever wonder how many of his past girlfriends he said that too? I would try to trust him, but I never really would. So basically I don't think your relationship is going to work out. I am sorry, but do what you gotta do! Only you really know how you feel about this and only you really understand the situation completely.
Change. Yeah. I believe people can change.
However, the chance that he'll cheat again. Uhm.
Definitely greater than a person who has never cheated before.
I'm not sure if you could trust him...I mean, I don't really believe in "once a cheater always a cheater". I had a friend who once cheated on someone she was dating, and then later on she was cheated on by her boyfriend. Having understood what it was like, she became very avid about NEVER cheating on anyone again.
If he had cheated once one one of those 14 girls, I'd say, "sometimes people just do dumb things", or, "freak one-timer". But it seems he's been keeping a pattern with this. How can you believe him straight-up? I wouldn't :/
My last ex probably cheated on me. I have no doubt he would have. I never found out because it was LD and he was an asshole who treated me like dirt, never talked to me unless he really felt like it (not too often), etc. But I was all starry-eyed because I wanted something serious and it felt like it worked for a bit...my mistake.
I'd never cheat. On anyone. Nor would I continue dating someone or initiate a relationship with a guy who had a history of it. They've gotten away with it before, they are capable of doing it again. That's why I'd never do it myself. No matter how spiteful I may be, how frustrated I get with said person...I'd never even think about it. I'm with the love of my life now anyway...so it doesn't matter.
he'll probably cheat on you. like people have said, it's not so much "once a cheater, always a cheater" but he has cheated on 14 people. it's not like he did it once, and we're labeling him.
I'm actually currently in a relationship with a guy who has cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had. Our relationship started because he cheated on his past girlfriend. I use the term relationship loosely, because his cheating is actually one of the reasons he doesn't want to be, by name, in a relationship. He's starting to come to terms with it, and change his ways, I think, because he told me that while I'd be willing to date him, and after a little while, I'd forget about the cheating, and I'd forget about how we got together, he'd probably end up cheating on me, just like every other girl. It's been a year, and he hasn't yet - even though we're not technically dating, and it wouldn't technically be cheating, he hasn't.
Every person is different. I think eventually they snap out of it, and I think they just have to find the right person to do that. They may be a compulsive cheater, but they have to find the one person who they just don't want cheat on - whether that's you or not? You won't know unless you give him a shot.
IMO it depends on what kind of cheating it is. And "people change" is a given.
If it's physical cheating, that can be forgiven, to some extent.
If it's emotional cheating, that is much harder to forgive, if ever.