Tuesday, 22 September 2009
-
Will You Defend Me?
So my boyfriend and I dated for about 4 and a half months, he's white and I'm black. We're both sophomores at the same college and have been getting along really great, everything was pretty much great up until last night. So we went to Cookout which is right near our campus at around 2 in the morning and it was completely packed with our fellow college kids (who may I add were completely drunk and rowdy). Everyone was getting a little restless since the line was so long and orders were taking forever. One guy in particular was a complete ass and thought it would be appropriate to shout out of nowhere eff and then the infamous "n" word.
Now I know this guy wasn't speaking directly to me but the fact that he used that word offended me and completely took me off guard. To make things worse I was the only black person standing in that line. What made me more mad, however, was the fact that my boyfriend didn't even say anything! Not a word!! I mean I don't expect him to fight the guy or anything but I mean come on, he could have at least said something to that asshole. Now I'm a pretty independent person, so of course I dealt with that guy on my own and gave him a piece of my mind but it just pisses me off that my boyfriend just stood there.
Later on he said that he was completely thrown off guard and had never been put in that situation. But seriously what the hell kind of excuse is that? If you see someone being beaten are you just going to stand there because "you've never been put in that situation before" or are you going to do something about it?! I'm so frustrated and almost to the point where I want to break up with him. Do you think I'm over reacting, should I forgive him?
Put yourself in my position, would you want to be with someone who didn't defend you? Do you think guys should defend their girlfriends and vice-versa?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: xo_smileforme_ox@xanga
- About Me: consistently inconsistent
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 2403 Comments: 0 110 View all posts by xo_smileforme_ox@xanga
Comments (111)
I can understand both points of view.
I think your over reacting, personally. But, I would have defended myself - because it really in the end is up to you. But maybe he wanted to defend you, but he just didn't want to get involved. Or maybe he thought you wouldn't have wanted him to defend you, so there is a lot of reasons. If I was in your sitaution I would have defended myself, not get my boyfriend (if I had one) to do it for me.
Some people just think it's just best to leave others alone. When someone says something that offends me, like using the word gay in a derogatory way, I don't jump up and down about it. I leave it alone. But if one of my friends heard the same thing, they would make a complete scene about it and that person would probably keep using the word gay like that anyway. People say inappropriate things and people have different ways of dealing with it.
I think you are overreacting. Before jumping down my throat, let me explain.
I think he was genuine when he said he never been in that situation before. I believe you should stand up against racism no matter if it's directed toward you or someone else, but I can understand it can be intimidating sometimes.
And there are ppl that forget sometimes that colors exist. I know I do. It sounds stupid and unbelievable, but sometimes I forget I'm Asian. When other ppl say stupid things, my friends stand up for me but I'm completely oblivious. And there are times when I hear the n word all the time and think that my friends would be offended, but they weren't...
tell him how you feel.
It's probably a case of him not knowing what to do. On one hand, he could've defended you. He might have thought though, that you didn't want him to fight your battles for you. Maybe he thought you should fight your own fight. Or, maybe he was just afraid of what would happen if he did say something.
If my boyfriend didn't defend me in a situation like this, I'd be fine. I can fight my own battle for myself.
I don't think you should break up with him. It probably all happened so fast, how could he have gone through all the possible options of what to do in time to actually do something? He never got a chance to think about reacting. It's good that he didn't just react, because it's really better to think before reacting anyway.
The beginning stages of your relationship says a lot about the future.
If he couldn't even defend you at this point, down the line, do you honestly think he's going to if something even worse happens?
I would reconsider this guy. Being in a relationship means you support each other. You feel the pain the other feels. He obviously didn't want to understand how you felt at the time.
I would dump his ass.
Just saying.
I'm the same way. I'm not very confrontational. So when something pisses my girl off then I stand there feeling bad while she lets them have it.
Try not to sweat it. Even if it made you upset, you shouldn't be mad at him.
I think your overreacting a tad, but if it really offended you that he didn't stand up for you, you obviously need to look for someone that will.
Good luck.
I see why you're feeling frustrated. I know I would if someone I loved seemed not to defend me. But you have to realise that not everyone is as independent as us- we all cope with things in different ways, and things can take us off guard. People freeze in situations all the time, it is what separates a cool, quick-thinker from the rest. You mustn't judge him for this, it'd be unwise to break up just because of this.
I don't think it was very fair for you to compare the incident to someone being beaten- of course he'd help if, God forbid, you were being beaten. He'd have to! This situation has probably just taken him off guard, but if you sit down with him and calmly talk to him about it, I'm sure if it should ever happen again then he will react a lot quicker.
Personally, I would always defend my girlfriend with a lot of things- but I know a lot of women don't like to be defended for. I'd learn what my girlfriend wanted from me and try and defend her whenever she wouldn't defend herself. If that makes sense. Oh, and one last point- GO YOU for sticking up for yourself and giving that prick a piece of his mind!
Give him a break. No relationship is perfect, even though some think theirs is. An important element of any relationship is to be able to talk things through and to understand each others position. Once shared then we can expect a certain reaction or know why they didn't have a normal reaction. So, keep sharing, talking and understanding. Relationships are complicated and hard work, but well worth the effort! :-> ~JustJerry
I can understand where both of you are coming from. Personally I think you may be over reacting a bit. I've been upset with my boyfriend for not defending me before but that's because I wasn't around to defend myself. You were there. I think it should be more of an issue if that guy said something to you personally. As you said he was just being an ass and sometimes people like that need to be ignored.
@Jack_Morrison@xanga - that was really insightful, and I would have to completely agree.
Talking to him in a calm manner would probably be the best thing to do. The "N" word is such a loosely used word now-a-days that perhaps your bf might have been used to hearing people say it. Just like everyone else has said, I'm sure he'd protect you in an instant if you were in a situation where you'd get physically harmed.
Talk to him about how you feel about it with an open mind that he might need to learn how you feel before he can understand the situation.
I'm sorry you had to experience the arrogance of some people, but dont beat your bf up for it. If HE called you that, then that's an entirely different story.
the situation goes both ways . you could`ve said something too to defend yourself if you were so offended . you`re the one who`s black , not him . and plus , the guy who said it probably didn`t even mean it , cause i`ve seen lotssss of drunk people use racial slurs and don`t know wtf they`re doing . and plus , that word is so usely used , he probably didn`t think much of it , cause i know i wouldn`t :\
I kinda think you're overreacting. If it were me, I would defend myself, not wait to have my boyfriend or anyone else do it for me. But sometimes, even just defending yourself can turn bad, especially if the person you're defending yourself against is drunk. Maybe that's why your boyfriend didn't do anything. You've gotta pick your battles carefully.
If something like this happened with my girlfriend, I would like her to know that it is because of my unconfrontational nature. :(
But sadly, i think I would've done the same thing.
Why didn't you say anything?
Maybe he didn't for the same reason.
It seems like the idiot was drunk and roudy, confronting him on something he did for attention seems a little petty. Let it go and don't let it bother you. Especially since it wasn't even directed toward you.
I think you are overreacting. Not to say that you are wrong to be upset, but you need to talk to your boyfriend and tell him how it made you feel when he didn't defend. Don't just break up with him right away.
Sometimes, when people are faced with conflict they have a fight or flee response. Maybe standing there shocked like a deer in headlights is really all your boyfriend is capable of if something horrible happens. You were able to stand up for yourself and speak your mind -good for you, I find that admirable!
Remember that everyone handles things differently, and consider this: if you are perfectly capable of defending yourself, do you really need him to too? At least he didn't snicker or say or do something to condone what that ignoramus said in any way!
@Jack_Morrison@xanga - i completely agree with you.
It seems to me like he was letting you defend yourself, because it's obvious that you're quite capable of fighting your own battles. Maybe he's not the type to get in fights over petty remarks from drunken assholes.
And it's rediculous to compare the situation to someone being beaten. You obviously weren't in any danger and you took care of it yourself, so what are you mad at him for? Do you expect all your loved ones to get offended just because you do?
Calm down, girl. Maybe in general, your bf didnt know what to do. But if it was directed towards you, then he probably would have shoved a tennis ball down his effin throat or something.
@Jack_Morrison@xanga - cosign!
i'll be really honest, i would probably be a little irked as well. something that offends a person to the core of their being is never anything to be taken lightly, and as someone who cares for you, regardless of whether is was a boyfriend or a best friend, something should have been said.
not that i'm endorsing anything agressive ... just a calm wtf :)
Yeah, you sound like your overreacting. He was obviously surprised and had probably honestly never been in that situation before. Heck - if I was your boyfriend, I wouldn't know what to do! (Assume I would magically transform into a guy, of course). Where I grew up, the 'n' word wasn't AS bad as it is in normal places. He apologized, didn't he? You stood up for yourself, didn't you? I don't see the problem, as long as you guys talked about it.
knees grow