Tuesday, 22 September 2009
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Your Friend, My Problem?
What do you say to people who try to coerce you into fixing their friends? What if they're asking you to break up a relationship for them?
When I began attending the university in my old hometown for some post-graduate studies, it was after having been away for four years. I didn't know many of the people at the new school because I didn't particularly care to; I had my own friends whom I'd graduated with or met along the way. One person I did know, however, was my Toxic ExBoyfriend.
I didn't want anyone at this school associating the two of us, and I certainly didn't want them to find out I'd dated that loser. I tried to stay out of his way, but he wanted so badly to undo all of my work. He had his friends who worked in the Enrollment office find out what courses I was taking so that he could take them, too, and mysteriously became really interested in the same clubs I was already in. Strangely enough, he had (and still has) a girlfriend who, little Freshman that she was, became obsessively infatuated with him.
Toxic ExBoyfriend is the oppressive type. He doesn't like for his girl to have friends, because he thinks she should constantly be on standby should he require her presence for any reason whatsoever. New Girlfriend wanted so badly to please him that she essentially cut all of her best friends out of her life.
Eventually New Girlfriend's old best friends found out about my past with Toxic Ex, and they creepily took turns introducing themselves to me and asking if I had gone through the same thing with him. At least, that's how it started. It progressed to them asking for advice about how to approach New GF about her unhealthy relationship, and then went on to include asking if I would help them break up the relationship.
WHAT? That's right, these people were asking me to break up my Toxic Ex and his New GF. They suspected that he was still trying to get with me from his behavior (they were right), and wanted me to show New GF all of the texts, emails, and phone calls that they assumed I was getting from Toxic Ex. One girl went so far as to say that it was my RESPONSIBILITY to show New GF all those things.
What do you think? If you know someone is trying to cheat, should you tell on them? What if you don't even care for the person they're trying to cheat on? When, if ever, is it appropriate to try to break up a relationship that you're not a part of?
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Comments (26)
Eh, it's not really anyone's business besides the people actually involved in the relationship. I do see that they're trying to take care of their friend or whatever, but sometimes you gotta let someone learn a lesson for themselves.
STAY FAR FAR AWAY. getting involved means purposely letting toxic ex back in your life. i suggest you stop talking to her friends. you have no obligation to them or her.
whoa.....yeah, this has gotten a bit out of hand...it's not your responsibility. your ex needs to figure out what he wants and then stick to it.
@perpetual_chasm@xanga - I totes agree with this. Besides, Toxic ExBoyfriend could take it as you wanting him single so you two could be together again. Even if that's not the case, it seems that he would take it that way.
yeah don't do it. that's so strange. plus you'll look like a jealous exgf.
@steph - Agreed.
And hell, maybe they're good for each other.
lol thats funny that they asked you that.
To answer your questions, Yes you should tell on someone who is cheating. Tell, tell, tell! It's a good opportunity to be "bad" but in a good way. But don't push the issue, telling Once is enough. If the person being cheated on doesn't want to hear it, then it is their choice, and perhaps their preference to stay in the dark.
Yes you should tell even if you don't like the person being cheated on. The saying goes something like "it's not your Enemies you have to worry about, its the one's close to you." Your enemy could become your friend.
And for the last question- First off, there is no guarantee that the couple will break up just because you reveal infidelity. They may work it out and grow from it, and that's beautiful. "Breaking up a couple" should not be the goal, but rather "shedding light", what they do after they know their S.O. is a cheater is uncontrollable. It is not quote on quote "appropriate" to tell on a cheater (it is snitching after all. and a lot of feelings may get hurt.), its just the Right thing to do.
@steph - oh by the way, your S.O. is cheating on you. And they are really good at it, so you don't suspect a thing. But I'm not gonna tell you. No, I'm going to let you learn a lesson for yourself.
Really?
sry to reply like this, but it was my natural response. everyone is entitled to their opinion.
I think getting involved when it's not your business, doesn't make it any better.
At least, that's what I've learned in my experiences of trying to help out o_o
@perpetual_chasm@xanga - completely agree.
sounds like a shit load of drama...that even though it may be hard...you can literally ignore. focus on what's really important.
A couple weeks ago, a blog asked whether or not crime victims were "obligated" to report the perpetrator. One crime that commenters latched onto was rape -- and a very large segment of responders said that, yes, it is the rape victim's "obligation" to report their attacker.
I'm not saying that I either agree or don't agree with that assessment, but I'll ask this: If it IS the rape victim's responsibility to report their rapist, then why is it not other people's responsibility to report this type of toxicity? Because rape is illegal, but abusive relationships are not? Even disregarding the cheating bit, the oppressiveness you've described sounds like an abusive relationship. Yet, I only see two commenters saying that you should warn her; far fewer (by sheer numbers, and proportion-wise) than the people saying rape victims should report their attackers.
I wouldn't go so far as to say that it's your "job" to break them up, but (1) You've already said that he is toxic, and (2) It's not that hard to confirm, at least once, to the new girlfriend what her friends have been saying about her beau, and then leave the rest up to her.
O_O
Sorry, that's like high school drama. That's not your problem.
@dodz83@xanga - im going to second, third and fourth this. if this guy is the controlling, oppressive asshat you describe him to be,there is likely more to it than just keeping her away from her friends.
to know of an evil that is going on and turn a blind eye is to consent to it, and that's just wrong.
i try to stay out of other people's relationship but if it's someone you care about, maybe giving them a warning wouldn't hurt.
It's not something YOU have to worry about. Just let them learn their lesson.
It's not really any of their businesses. All they could do is tell her how much they care about her and voice their opinions about Toxic Ex. If she doesn't listen, what can they do? Put a gun to your head or her head so she'll break up with him? Ain't going to happen, she'll learn her own mistake.
If you know someone is trying to cheat, should you tell on them? Yes
What if you don't even care for the person they're trying to cheat on? Tell someone that cares about the person. it's wrong, and they should know
When, if ever, is it appropriate to try to break up a relationship that you're not a part of? it's not your place, but you can try to talk some sense into the girl
don't get sucked into that drama hole. even though it's unfortunate for the New GF to be with a cheater, i'd just mind my own business and have as little as i can with that. most likely, getting involved will just make things a lot more complicated and could somehow not turn out as well as you intended. &I'd be pretty annoyed by the girl who said it was YOUR responsibility too.
I don't think that it would be a bad thing for yout o do if you wanted but I definitely wouldn't take it on as a personal responsibility.
If it's not my brother or sister in the relationship, I don't care for it because it's NOT my business to intervene!
I don't know why, but this post hardcore reminds me of Scott Pilgrim. XD
As for advice, I don't know. It's really what you want to do and what you feel is right. If you Want to perhaps tell the GF about Toxic ExBoyfriend's actions, go for it. Although you could been seen as the jealous exgirlfriend and it could potentially cause drama for you. However, if you don't want to get involved, then don't. It's not your responcibility unless you want to make it so.
I just hope the poor girlfriend learns from this.
it is absolutely not your responsibility and if any of them approaches you again, tell them so.
It's not ever right to try and break up a relationship.
And these girls have some serious f***ing nerve. It's not like they know you, and they had better take care of their own friend. You're not even an acquaintance to 'new girlfriend'.
This isn't your responsibility at all. It's not like you're even trying to get with him.
I would get involved as little as possible. This could easily turn into something very ugly. And it's not your place.
It's not your responsibility. I'm glad that she's got friends that want to help her out, but it isn't your responsibility. And it's none of your business. And they have no right to be getting all up in your face and trying to get you to help them out.
It's fine of them to ask you, since they don't know anyone else apparently who is willing or able to help them, but if you don't want to help out then just say no. And if they keep bothering you...and if your ex keeps bothering you...well, there are places on campus that you can go to in order to have things like stalking taken care of. I also think it shouldn't have been within the rules for your ex's friends in the enrollment office to give out your information like that.
If it were me, I'd go to the proper university offices and talk to the appropriate faculty about your ex and these girls who seem to think it's appropriate to suck you into their new obsession.
This is just nuts! And I agree with lapis_lazuli917, those girls have some real f****** nerve! And so does Mr. Toxic. o.O;