One of my really good friends came up to me last week Wednesday and told me about a rape case that involved 5 guys (one of whom she knew) and a girl at a Hofrstra dorm. The background story: She was dancing with one of the guys, and he took her phone. She chased after him into the dorm, and when the elevator doors opened, she saw his friend had rope. They took her to the bathroom, tied her up, and sexually assaulted her. When three guys entered the bathroom, she screamed to them for help before realizing they were all friends. A gangbang ensued. I don't recall if there was any more information my friend had told me, but that was essentially the
gist of it.
My friend said that she didn't think he would commit that type of crime. I said that it's more likely one will be raped by someone one knows than by a stranger. And because of my distrustful nature, I sided more with the girl. (I'll later find out that I was wrong, but we'll get to that soon.) In our brief pseudo-conversation that was very quickly about to escalate into an exasperating argument, we essentially chose sides.
She was under the belief that he was innocent because she knew him personally. I, on the other hand, sided with the girl. There were four specific statements that were important and I feel need to be addressed:
- "She shouldn't have run after him for her phone. What else did she expect?"
- "She ditched her friends when she was at the club. She shouldn't have done that."
- "She shouldn't have been such a ho."
- "I bet this was all consensual, but she felt embarrassed and ashamed about it afterward, and so she said it was rape."
In addressing each bullet point, I want to say that, first of all, when someone takes my phone, I don't expect for someone to rape me at the end of the night. I'm jus' sayin'. In fact, if you steal my phone, I expect my fist in your face, my foot in your ass, and a forever malfunctioning penis. Do not EVER come between me and my phone. We have a deep connection, and I don't take kindly to those who try to break us up. So, her chasing after him for her phone? I totally understand. I would chase him down, too.
Second of all, if I want to have sex with someone, particularly as a one-night-stand, I don't really want my friends in the bedroom watching us. And if I'm really wasted and not in the right state to be making these decisions -- well, you're my friend. Aren't friends supposed to take care of each other? Friends don't let friends drink and drive. Friends don't let friends put the wrong dick in their mouths. (Yeah, I know, in theory it sounds great, but when you're friend is shitfaced, it becomes a lot harder in practice.)
Third, just because a girl enjoys having sex and having a lot of it does not mean she's a ho nor does it mean that she should have expected rape. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE RAPED. I don't care if you've had sex with 1000 guys or have sex every single day; NO ONE DESERVES TO BE RAPED. Using this derogatory sexual epithet only perpetuates the entire misogynistic culture that we live in. When women express sexual liberation, she gets smashed down with society's standards of purity and chastity. Rape is about domination and control, degradation and humiliation -- it's rarely simply an act of sexual gratification (unless you're into rape fantasies, and I'm NOT going to get into that here). Why is it accepted to indicate that promiscuous girls should be PUNISHED by not only a physical but also a psychological attack? Just because she "puts out" doesn't give anyone the right to "claim" her.
Men, this also concerns you, as well. Besides the fact that I abhor the double standards of sexual experience, I have to say that I don't believe that men will completely lose their mind over a vagina. I have a much higher and civilized opinion of you than a crazed vagina-mongering sex. I believe you're fully capable to exercise your ability to make a choice. AKA when a woman says "no," I expect you to understand and respect that the girl really DOES mean "No," not that she's teasing you and really secretly saying yes. And by stating that a girl is a "slut" doesn't mean that she's "fair game" and that you "couldn't resist." If you really believe that, then it's time for you to grow up and realize that YOU NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS. Sex between two humans must always be consensual.
Fourth of all, but not at all least, is something that's going to ask more questions than answers. My friend was right;
the girl later recanted because of a
cell-phone video. But, why do you think she would feel ashamed or embarrassed about it? What do you think are the factors contributing to the possibility of her feeling ashamed about having sex with multiple partners? I cannot speak for her, the girl, about whether or not she did feel ashamed, and why she lied about the nature of it. Why would she say something like that?
What I can say about this, however, is the fact that in dealing with rape cases, nothing has really changed. It is always a blame-and-shame game. Blame the girl for ruining people's lives (oh, you mean, the attacker? the rapist?), and shame on her for being so sexual, for not fitting the puritanical virginal mold. And now that it's come to light the girl WAS lying and all of it WAS consensual, this is only going to make things worse for current and future rape victims. While activists work hard to give rape victims/survivors a VOICE, there are going to be many who cry LIAR. The eventual backlash and vitriol that will follow a rape victim will almost surely effectively silence her. This is something that can be drawn directly into the rape culture that we live in today where women saying yes to sex should also expect to be punished for it.
What do you think of this?
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Comments (81)
i simply can't deal with people who are trying to justify rape. thats absurd but at the same time it's so hard to give them proper arguments just because they will never know how the girl feels when she's sexually abused. i once was and just to name a few - u cant scream u cant run u cant say no u just do nothing its so paralizing, and when someone says 'u r just so naive u got there/been there/danced with that guy/looked at him - so he could have felt free to have sex with u ITS BULL****. as u said noone deserves to be raped and there is no way u can justify that.
Thank you for posting this.
People need to think a million times before feeding these terrifying stereotypes.
have you ever read The Handmaid's Tale by any chance?
this is just another instance of how women put women down on a deeper level than men could ever reach. first instance with your friend's disbelief; second with the girl's lie.
I remember thinking at first how horrible that situation was, that it wasn't her fault but she didn't put herself in the best situation.. I thought those guys were real sick bastards to plan something like that, being that gang rapes normally take place when a drunk girl has passed out..
Then when I found out she was lying, it really pissed me off. So many rape victims never say anything, then this girl goes and lies about being raped!
I heard from people who go to Hofstra that she was a freshmen, and she was a bit messed up, and they kicked her out of the school.
I thought the Hofstra case was thrown out because the girl recanted? I'm not saying that she wasn't raped... I'm just confused.
If she was raped... I 100% agree with everything you posted. A girl can be a prostitute and be raped and I still would think it was wrong.
@Morningstarrising@xanga - Apparently she did drop the case, as they found a video on her cell phone of her having sex but it looked to be consentual and there was no tying up or resistance on her part.
She shouldn't have been such a ho. A wimpy ho.
"In fact, if you steal my phone, I expect my fist in your face, my foot in your ass, and a forever malfunctioning penis. Do not EVER come between me and my phone. We have a deep connection, and I don't take kindly to those who try to break us up." I found this part funny lol.
But I agree with your post. :/
I agree with your post 100%.
When I got to the part about chasing after the phone, heck I would do the same thing. In fact, someone did steal my iphone a few weeks ago and that fucker was lucky I didn't catch him because I would have done exactly what you said above especially the malfunctioning penis!WOW!!! that's really all there is for me to say....wow.....It's very obvious to everyone reading this that you feel very strongly for rape victims....and it's obvious that you are pretty well informed...I really respect tis post, and everything about it.....From, a guys point of view...i honestly still want to cuz off all of those guys' balls whether or not it was consensual....cuz that's just wrong. I really appreciate this article, and how heartfelt it is,i just wanted you to know that...
if she hadn't gotten wasted, she wouldn't have been in that situation.
tbh i really can't see things from her point of view.
rape is an unfortunate thing, but for every actual rape victim there are also girls who delude themselves into thinking they were raped.
there are always different sides to any issue.
Never get shitfaced at parties. Rape is an inevitable situation in that case.
i agree with you. even if she put herself at a vulnerable position, no one should take advantage of it.
this is a really, really great post.
It's not fair that the police chose to leak pictures and names of the boys for the court of public opinion to shun them before they even had a trial, yet they shield the "victim" as if she is automatically innocent. It seems the justice system always leans in favor of women. It's always up to the man to prove his innocence.
Great post! Most of the commentors before me have pretty much said everything I had in mind in response to your article.
@xsPoNgEs_go_SQUISHx13@xanga - ive read the handmaids tail...so good. i dont think i finished it tho but what i did read was very good...
and to the poster. dude, sounds like one of my nights out when I was dancing with this huge black guy. and he took my phone and walked away. I had no choice but to go after him....kind of intoxicated i didnt think it was a ploy to get me alone and then possibly rape me.......
if you think about it its extremly clever.....but scary.
ladies please be cautious u really never know.
thank you so much for writing this post.
One of the dudes was a graduate of the high school I'm attending.
Pretty fucked up shit considering how his face was everywhere. The whole school was talking about him including his past teachers. :/
Other than that, amazing post.
I agree.
And I read the articles where she recanted, and the video showed that it was "consensual"... although if they were at a club right before that and, as the articles said, drinking, then it technically is not consensual. Nobody under the influence of alcohol or drugs can (legally) be considered consenting adults, since they are not in the right mental state. So if she or the police had shown that she had been drinking before this happened, then it would have ended differently.
this really sucks that she was lying. that pretty much sucks for all those girls out there who have to fight everyday against people who think they are lying. all of those girl's who never come forward because they know everyone will think they are lying.
but everything you said is totally true.
@GirlsInHawaii@xanga - you are completely right. i just get so frustrated when people act like guys can't help it. i just feel like it is so obviously wrong that the injustice just makes me want to tear my hair out.
And I just have to say this--it is really annoying when people don't read a post all the way through and then act confused when they don't understand what the writer is talking about.
It hurts to get raped. No one ever believes you unless you are one of the girls lying it seems. It makes you feel so guilty like you made that happened. You were obligated to let him or you were scared he would do worse and than he does. Sometimes you end up blaming other people for not being there and they never love you again. You have to smile and keep working because your friends think its no big deal. Maybe the guy was hot to them and they start patting your back. If you ever get raped, tell no one. They won't help you. People will look at you like you are gross. Just swallow it down and never say a word. Pretend like you liked it the next day. It's just a number. And half the girls you know were raped at one point too and ignored by the man they love too. And that's the way the ball bounces. It's the 21st century. Oddly enough, I don't think numbers matter to men anymore. What seems to matter is that you always say you liked it.