In 3-4 days, it will be 6 months since my ex and I broke up. To be honest, I already knew it would happen eventually and noticed all the subtle and non-subtle hints a few months before that. I kept telling myself I would be okay. She would blame her parents, her work and her grad-school online classes for being too busy. Her nagging parents didn't stop her from going out with me in the first place, so why having more reasons trying to spend a lot more time away with me when we would only see each other once a day in the weekend? I understand her predicament. As a best friend, I support her for everything. As a boyfriend, it tended to get lonely.
Back when I was single before I met her, I never thought I'd be so lonely for not seeing another person in a day. Despite the stupid bickering and arguing, every time I hear her voice over the phone when we're away from each other, it puts a smile on my face. You know what? I even miss the bickering and arguing. We got to know each other's ups and downs. Everything was good as it seems... but not quite.
She started asking me about what I would do if we broke up. She started talking about spending less time together. From only seeing each other once a week after we graduated, to once every other week. I tried my best to be patient because she's having a rough time with grad-school, work and parents. Things got heated and on the 21st in March, we talked and argued on the phone and she broke up with me. You know how you say mean things to make someone feel bad? She did that to me. She said she didn't love me anymore and she wants to see other people. Whether that's true or not, I couldn't tell at that point because she was saying different things when I tried to keep everything together. I may not know the whole truth, but I'm not stupid and it was very clear she likes someone. Just like her bestfriend, she broke up with me for a chance of being with another person who doesn't even see her as someone that could be his girlfriend. I don't think I stopped crying that day.
Anyway, everything was falling apart right in front of me. It was the worst day of my life. Having the thought that she broke up with me, having been awake since 3:15AM the following morning in the morning because it was my first time as the primary on-call person at work. At the same time, I learned from the Philippines my dad was admitted to the hospital for having high blood sugar levels. I'm grateful that I was able to survive that day. Nobody should have to go through a day like that.
That Saturday night, my ex talked about making the relationship work as an open relationship. The following Sunday afternoon, I asked her to come to my house. I was begging and pleading for her to stay with me, but she wouldn't. I asked her that we hug and cuddle and that I could kiss her one last time. It was awkward. Trying to kiss someone who's not kissing you back was the worst. While we cuddled, I asked her if she still considers having an open relationship. I was desperate to do anything to keep her.
She agreed and it felt like I unloaded this huge burden in my chest. I felt relieved. She went home afterwards. 3-4 hours later as I watched TV in my room I got to thinking. Open relationship means we get to see other people while being together. There's one big problem here... I wasn't planning on seeing other people. I just started crying again. I called and declined her offer for an open relationship. I told her that we're either together as a couple or not at all. As much as I wanted to be with her, I didn't want to be in an open relationship because I would be throwing the love I built with her. After I got off the phone, I just cried and only had 3 hours of sleep.
As depressed as I was, I had every right to be mad at her for jerking me around like that. She even had the audacity to tell me she's been wanting to leave me for months. After all those times we shared, she's telling me she's been lying to me. She used me. If she was really my friend, she would have left me back from the start. She was the one who kept nagging and saying that she would wait for me forever if we weren't together. She kept trying everything to keep me from leaving her because I wasn't interested in a relationship. The difference is, I cared enough to stay with her. In my recent situation, she didn't care about staying at all. She wanted me to leave her alone. She wanted me to find new friends to hang out with so that we don't see each other. She kept saying to stop talking to "her" friends. The sad part is, some of these so called "friends" aren't really your friends. They tell you the same thing... find new people to hang out with.
Her last message was ["Good luck finding someone who'll love you as much as I did."-hope your life is so much better now.] I really have no idea what she means. We haven't talk in almost 3 months. I'm trying not to think of her and I still have vivid dreams about us being together. Even when I'm not trying, even when I'm not thinking of her, I still dream about her. It's the worst. Everything just starts flowing back and the days of self-confidence and will-power I built up is drained away. I end up thinking about whether I should have stuck with having an open-relationship with her or declined it. No matter how much I wish to be with her, declining was the best decision I made.
I may have faults and weaknesses. I have an implosive temper that pops unpredictably. I have quirks and pet peeves. I'm not perfect. But there's one thing that people can count on. My loyalty. Open relationships goes against everything I stand for. It works for some people, but not for me. I can only be true and loyal to one person. That person is the one I love. One day, I am going to show that person my loyalty.
Would you ever consider an open relationship with someone you had once exclusively dated?
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Comments (64)
Wow, I'm sorry you had such a rough breakup.
I'd never consider an open relationship, no matter what the situation. I couldn't handle it, I don't think. It just wouldn't sit well with me.
i wouldn't consider an open relationship.
I think you did the right thing. You shouldn't have to settle in order to make things work with someone. Ultimately, I think it would have ended anyway; it seems like she wants entirely different things right now.
Stay strong--the dreams are the worst; they'll sneak up on you just when you think you've forgotten about the person. This isn't going to be easy, but you can do it. If you can fall in love once, you can fall in love again. Hopefully, the second time around, it will be with someone who doesn't try to take you for granted.
I only wish I can give you hugs.
I can sympathize with your situation, but since I know it, I can say that trying the open relationship will just make you her toy; she'll just drag you along as a backup plan, a second choice. You'd just be her "other guy" until she finally decides you can't give her anything else. Yes, I know that sounds harsh and painful, but in all honesty, that's what it sounds like.
Besides... if she did love you, she wouldn't have broken up with you, made excuses about it, or considered dragging you across the dirt like a used toy in whom she still finds minor amusement.
Good luck in finding someone better. You won't need the luck (since there are lots of better people out there for you), but I hope you find her so you can tell your ex to grow up. >:{D
Never.
I would never consider an open relationship. What is the point - its like having a "friend with benefits" and someone is bound to feel used.
I wouldn't consider an open relationship period. I like being dedicated to one person and having the same thing in return.
that sucks, i was in a similar situation. on a side note. your fma cosplay is teh awesome.
@aN_amAYzInG_storrII@xanga - thanks. I actually performed in Otakon's Masquerade, as well. It was one of the things in my list of things to do that I created as a way of coping with the break-up. I had fun.
I'm sorry about your break up but you know what they say, when one door closes another opens. I myself went through a break up about 2 months before yours. Sometimes he randomly pops in my head or in my dreams. The hardest part about yours... would probably be wondering "what would have been if I accepted" -- honestly it is good that you did not. That is just a way for her to a) not feel as guilty about breaking up with you and b) using you as a safety net when her testing the waters doesn't work out.Â
I know it is hard to go through--but someone even more special will make this journey ALL worth it. Congrats on being true to yourself and not accepting less than you deserve... many would have taken being treated like crap!!!!! I am glad you have self worth :)
@stupid_systemus@xanga - T_____________T i've wanted to go to otakon since 2003~~!! omg. T_T sorry your ex girlfriend was full of suck.
That's sad...but it kind of gave me an idea of what to say to my ex. I caught him lying 50 to 100 times over the course of 3 years, and it was always about what he was doing with this one girl. It hurt. a lot. Thinking about them just talking and being alone together makes me feel sick and want to cry. A few days after we broke up, he drove an hour to my college to see the girl (I go to the same college as the girl) for all of one day, then drove her an hour back to his college to spend the next day at his college together. He told me he didn't want to see me. It makes me sick. It hurts very much to know that someone you used to be willing to give your life up for would do such cruel and hurtful things to you.
I think I'm going to tell him, "Good luck finding someone who will care about you as much as I did."
@InTheThin@xanga - That quote my ex said was one of the text messages I sent her after we broke up. She added the part about hoping my life is so much better now. That's why I don't know what she's talking about because she's the one who broke up with me and it seems like she's the one that's unhappy.
Wow.. I was in a similar situation. I declined too.
You'll definitely find someone better.
say good bye to trash.
you need to find you a real woman. :)
good luck in your quest *hugs*
That's so sad =[ i'm so sorry you went thru such hard times.
But i would never have an open relationship....
i considered it when a guy was breaking up with me, he said he would stay while he dated and found someone else. i said yes but then the next day i was like fuck you. there are plenty of guys that would be happy with just me. couple weeks later he was begging me back.
just be strong and keep your head up. remember you deserve better.
Open relationships will only break your heart into more pieces. I am glad that you had the will-power to end it then.
To me loyalty is one of the most important things in a relationship. I hope you will find another girl who finds and shares those morals. :)
No.
the message you ended your blog with bothers me, don't be a fool. If you still care for her then you could never truly get back with her, the only way that would work is if you both got over each other and had a possibly fresh start later on; which does not seem possible. I had a similiar situation and believe me it got much worse, i can't to this day a year later say im actually over her, but that is irrelevant we can only do so much, and wasting time is not one of those things.
I was in your situation. My ex (three years ago) would come back and have sex with me for fun, then leave, and I would be inviting her for a dinner, for a movie, she'd decline and only come over once a while to have sex... and it's another routine... she'd leave, go to other guys, come back to tell me she needs me...
Anyhow.
What a fucking bitch. Taking advantage of your weak/sensitive heart of her own pleasure, then torturing you 'cause she knows that you still want her.
Screw open relationships, and screw her. You're off better somewhere else buddy. Screw your loyalty. If you think you're only to love one person in your life, then you've dug your own grave. Some guys / girls take about a few relationships to finally find a stable one, and some just goes on forever and you couldn't even count the number of exes they have with all your toes and fingers - including the opposite sex member they had slept with. I hope you won't become one of those people, but what I do hope is that you move on, take baby steps to go back on track to life and to appreciate how to love someone else that deserves your true loving.
i tried it once but it made me super jealous and i was so stressed out because though i agreed to it, he was the only person i wanted. to me, it felt like an open relationship was him asking me for permission to cheat on me. it made me sick to my stomach.
@stupid_systemus@xanga - Oh I would say it to my ex because I know he didn't deserve me at all. It's sarcasm. What I really mean is "You'll find that in the end you'll be sorry because you'll never find someone who cares as much about you as I did."
I've gone through a somewhat similar situation before. Me and my SO (yes, current SO) went through a rough patch in the spring. We stopped seeing each other as much, and fought often when we were together (I should also add that I was on DepoProvera which reeeaaallly fucked up my moods). I will admit it was mostly my fault for my SOs pain. We eventually broke up I suffered through the summer as I weened off the birth control and realized what exactly I had done.
A few weeks after the summer began, I started to hang out with him again. Unlike during the spring semester, I was in a good mood, and as chipper as I used to be. He and I got back together shortly after. I went through that week as jovial as ever. I was set, I wouldn't make any more mistakes like in the spring semester. Or so I thought.
After a week, he realized he had a crush on one of our friends and thought that he shouldn't be with me if he were feeling such emotions. Throughout the summer, he suffered from this confusion while I practically cried every night because I wanted him back so badly.
When the fall semester started, we basically began seeing each other again but he wanted to be in an "open relationship" most likely because he was afraid of what happened in the spring. Just like you, an open relationship goes against everything I stand for. I couldn't take it, so I basically told him it couldn't happen if it wasn't a full on relationship. It worked out for us and I'm glad. We haven't been fighting as much and it seems we're much happier than before.
Give it some time then start talking to her again. Maybe you can at least mend your friendship if anything