I'm starting to grow tired of feeling lonely. My husband has been gone since Friday and all I can think about when I go to bed alone is that it's going to be like this the rest of my life (or at least the rest of the time I am married /until he retires). Its going to be lonely nights, dinner without Dad, missed birthdays and anniversaries, Dad missing games and school plays. He decided to join the Coast Guard to provide our family with not only a steady income but with excellent benefits. I should be happy and grateful for everything he is giving me and my daughter.
But I can't be. Maybe part of it is because when he is home I don't feel the love I think I deserve or maybe part of it is being younger I imagined my life so much different. I am 19, married and with a baby. I imagined getting engaged, my wedding being beautiful and me in a breathtaking dress. Not at the courthouse 7 months pregnant and hardly being able to say my vows because of braxton hicks contractions.
I thought my husband would be someone I could count on to protect me every night, someone who told me "I love you" before I fell asleep and encouraged me to be my best. When I try to talk to my SO about different ideas of what I want to do in my life he seems so uninterested it makes me feel like curling up in a ball and drifting away from everything. I had to move a month after having a baby to a new place where I have no family or friends. It is so hard for me to make friends because I am extremely shy and to some people it comes off being snobbish.
I'm not saying I want to end my marriage or complaining that I decided to become a mom at such a young age, I just needed to vent. Sometimes I say I need to go to the store and I drive really far away...but I always come home because deep down I love my husband and my daughter very much that their happiness means more to me than my own.
Anyone else a military spouse or in a relationship that is long distance? What do you do when you feel the pressure of it all weighing down on you?
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Comments (52)
My sister's boyfriend of two years plus is in the Air Force in North Dakota and it's very difficult for them, but they make it through. They're always posting on each other's Facebook wall "I love you" and things of that sort and they talk on the time on the phone. Sure, they get lonely, but they truly love each other and know that they will be together one day. So it's all worth it in their eyes, I can tell.
Just be strong :] I'm sure you will all be together and well soon !
my boyfriend is going away for boot camp for a year soon. =\ I'm definitely gonna miss having him around for the holidays.
it sounds like you need a good friend to talk to...hopefully you will be able to make new friends (through neighbors, a church, a community organization perhaps) soon who understand what you are going through to help you get thru these tough times---i, too, would have a hard time if i was in that situation---love is never as romantic as the movies or novels make it and we must do what it takes to keep ourselves content. plan vacations back to your family and friends if that helps as well. take care of yourself and don't feel guilty, it sounds like you have had to take on a lot of responsibility in a short time for a young women. hang in there.
Oh dear, I understand this far too well. I met my Coastie when I was 15 and he was 17 and it was love at first sight even though he lived California and I lived in Washington. Our whole relationship was writing together and maybe getting together a few weeks out of the year when he was on leave from the Coast Guard (which he joined straight out of high school) and stayed with my family for the duration.
We were totally crazy about each other and both our families fully expected us to marry. We never questioned it. The wedding plans practically went on without us. I was supposed to marry him right after graduating high school, but in the last few months I started worrying about how that would be, especially after missing prom because he wasn't there to take me. I simply couldn't stand the idea of being alone that much. Still, I hoped marriage would make it okay. At least I could hope to have more of him than I was getting. Maybe I'd even get him every weekend. Heck, even a week or a weekend a month would have been great.
But then he calls to discuss marriage plans and talks about how he's graduated OCS, gotten a commission, and will be gone minimum 6 months out of every year. I broke up with him on the spot. That was too much. It's good to remember that I was right in that assessment because it sounds as though you're exactly where I would have been if I hadn't done it.
The bad part, though, is that fact that I never stopped loving him at all but he distanced himself from me when I wouldn't marry him. I wish sometimes I'd have married him anyway and had at least that small part of his time if nothing else. I was just too afraid at that age to face it. I hope you can survive this. You may find it worthwhile after all... but only if you can keep your connection strong.
Being in a military relationship does involve knowing your own limits and what you can and cannot handle. It involves knowing that your SO will probably miss things, things like holidays and even births of children. We all have to think about those things when we get involved with someone in the military. My boyfriend has missed a lot of holidays, and he will miss a lot more, and if I got angry every time, well, I wouldn't be with him. It sucks, but it's their job, it's their duty, and if we are with them, then it's our duty to accept it. Just remember that your husband can't read your mind, if you're feeling this way, you have to talk to him about it. Let him know that when he is home, you need certain things from him, things that, right now, he's not giving you. They work hard, and sometimes they just don't think about it. You have to bring it to his attention! I've felt my fair share of anger, trust me! Haha! We've fought, and we've made up. It happens to every couple! Just take a minute and think about things. Maybe some of the anger you're feeling isn't even toward your husband. A lot of times, military girlfriends and wives feel anger, but it's toward the military, and we end up taking it out on our men. I'm guilty of it, and I know a lot of other women are too. My suggestion is to talk to him about how you're feeling, if for no other reason than to just let him know that you feel that way. Try to branch out a little, maybe make a couple of friends. A support system is so important, and it helps more than I could ever tell you. I really hope things get better for you, because I know how rough it can get! Good luck!!
I'm in the process starting a relationship with someone in the military, I think!
The reasons I'm unsure are pretty much the same as yours. I rarely see him and we barely talk because of his schedule. I never knew it would be this difficult. He says he really likes me and asked me to understand that it's his schedule, not because he is neglecting me. But it still is really hard, especially when we're both trying to start a relationship and I'm tempted to just call it quits even before it started.
Then life throws in surprises like me moving to Miami and him... well, continuing to be busy.
Even though I'm moving to Miami, I think we're still going to continue the "involvement" because it honestly won't make that much of a difference. And it's pathetic that it won't make a difference. Sometimes I wonder why I agreed to being involved with him to begin with. But then once your emotions are involved... it's hard to leave.
I'm going to say two things to you, one of which is going to come off as being very harsh. First, your husband is making a HUGE sacrifice for you. He's going to be distant at times as a result and your selfishness in this is not going to help. Military spouses need to be just as self-sacrificial, if not more, in order to support their spouse. You need to buck up and learn to support him and stop wallowing in your sorrow.
Now that I've played bad cop, I will tell you that there are millions of spouses all over the world supporting their military spouses - and thousands of them are on a forum at military.com! It's a great support system and it'll help a lot. Get involved - there's always activities spouses can get involved in. Regardless of whether you're the spouse or the actual military member, you're going to have to come out of your shell in order to adapt to the lifestyle. There will be a lot of moving and a lot of meeting new friends, so you're going to have to keep your chin up and keep on keepin' on.
When I feel the pressure of my long distance relationship coming down on me, I vent to my friends and go out for a bit to relieve my stress. Just to clear my head and everything, and while I'm relaxing I think of the reasons why I'm in the relationship I'm in, and why I stay. Think positively and happiness pursues =)
@tigerdauphin@xanga - i would agree with you .... except in her post it sounds as if ... her husband is kind of distant and cold even if he is home.
idk you, or your husband, but if you truly love each other, and are not just married because you got pregnant, you should talk about this. it is true you must be patient and supportive if you marry a military man, but you shouldnt have a cold marriage even when he's there. dig?
It doesn't sound like your problem is that he's in the Coast Guard...you seem not very happy with your marriage in general! Before you can even begin to address the hardship you'll face in being apart so much you have to be happy in the marriage when you're together!
It's not a very promising situation if you drive really far away even when he's home- and it sounds like you feel you settled for a second-class wedding. It also sounds like you're angry with him for locking you down with a baby when you were so young.
My fiancee is in the Army and I'm only 19 but I know that we're going to be just fine when he's gone. We've already spent a combined total of around a year apart (including basic, infantry school, airborne, air assault, etc...). Obviously I'm going to miss him like crazy when he's gone but I think we'll come out stronger for it- and I'm so so so proud of him and what he's doing. Military life is HARD but it'll be impossible if you aren't happy in your marriage. If your husband isn't giving you the support you feel like you deserve (or you know you need) then you need to get counseling and talk to him about it. If he can't make you feel loved and worthy when he's lying in bed next to you it sure as hell won't get any easier when he's gone for months.
:(
I'm so sorry. I suggest that you talk to him about other jobs/professions he can take besides the army so that he stays at home. I have no other ideas for you other than to talk it through. When my life seems hard, there are always others whose lives seem harder. Good luck.
I am going to be an army wife in a little under a month. I know its lonely, I haven't seen my SO in two weeks and he still has two more weeks to go of training before he deploys. Personally, I know that by saying I do to him that I am taking on lonely nights and a really long distance marriage. To me its worth it. He shouldn't be shutting you down like he is but maybe he doesn't know how to talk to you about the things you want. I think you should maybe try counseling. It could help you deal with the stress and then maybe try marriage counseling. Its a big thing to take on the lonely nights but you did know what you were getting into. Don't give up. Keep trying. Good Luck. I vent to my friends and my fiance. He says that is what he is there for. To love me unconditionally and to be my best friend.
@RedheadAblaze@xanga - yeah this was pretty harsh, even i feel bad. but i get what you're saying.
You found the love of your life; you're going to have a beautiful child. Yeah, wow, poor you.
I, too, am in a relationship with someone in the military. We've been dating for a good 4 1/2 months and I can't lie and say it's easy because it's definitely not. Not being able to see or hold him or do anything physical is the real hard part, but it's always the worst at the beginning. What always seemed most helpful to me was that it's just hard in the beginning and after that it gets easier. Not necessarily easy, but bearable and a lot easier to deal with.
What i've found to be most helpful in our relationship though is the little things, like dropping him a facebook comment telling him how much he means and that I love him or making him a short video saying the same thing. I know it means a lot to him when I do little things like that because i'm taking time out of my day and going out of my way to show him how much he means to me and how much i appreciate what he's doing for our country and what he's doing for me, and mostly that I'm not going anywhere even with the distance. Constant communication is major, too. But you can definitely get creative with all of that and there are tons of things you can do to keep your relationship going and going in the right direction.
Now, with all that said, I do have to agree with redheadablaze. He is making a huge sacrifice, especially since he joined for the benefit of you and your family. He just may seem disinterested because he's exhausted and tired and has other things to worry about. If there's one thing I've learned about military ego, it's this. They want to be able to support their wives on their own. It doesn't mean they don't support and love you and want the best for you, it's just part of the testosterone alpha personality that comes with the military. He's not distant with it because he's not interested, he just doesn't feel it necessary. He doesn't want you to work or go to school or anything if you don't want to and just right now at the point in your life what's most important is raising the child you have. After that is when to move forward. Right now just try to be supportive of him and the tough life that is the military. Show him you care through simple and small little things and you'll be surprised at how much that helps your marriage and how he is towards you.
Good luck to you both, I know dating and marrying the military is hard and it take a strong person to deal with it. If you ever need any more advice, don't hesitate to ask or send a message or anything. Anyone who's ever dated or married into the military is all in the same boat, just looking for advice on how to make things easier and smoother with the distance.
I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend who lives in Denmark. He also wants to join the Danish army (which he just wants to do the basics, but that means for four months I only get to talk to him on weekends). We have been together almost 11 months now, and until we get finished with school before he immigrates to America, we might get to see each other twice a month for 1 month--3 months at a time. Who knows. Yet, my relationship with him is stronger than all of my other friend's relationships. Why? Honestly...because we are super into each other and communication.
We have amazing chemistry, and although we aren't around each other 24/7, we leave reminders all the time to let each other know we are thinking about the other person. We try to talk on MSN or Skype at least once a day (video chat), but if our schedules are busy, we make it a point to e-mail each other a short message. We can't text each other or call (international rates...whoo!), but the internet allows us so many tools to talk to each other. However, instead of whipping out the phone and texting "lol love u ttyl", we have to sit down and make time for each other whether it's a video date or sending an e-mail.
And for people who talk to their SO's using video chat, I don't recommend setting dates and times for video chats unless you really have to. For me and him, it's just whenever we're online (all the time). This way if something comes up, neither one of us gets frustrated with each other for not making it on time. And all people in long distance relationships should know that their SO will not be able to be texting/calling them 24/7 so if you are clingy/needy and actually need to physically be by someone, you might want to reconsider.
For example, I have a friend who complains she only gets to see her boyfriend every other weekend. She is jealous when he talks about other girls, and she gets upset if he doesn't text her right back. Now when she talks to me I gently point out I only get to see my SO twice out of the year, but she tells me that I'm "different". I guess I am because I'm okay with not seeing my SO everyday because I know one day down the road we will be living together. I'm not saying I'm better than her for this, but I'm saying certain people should not enter long distance relationships.
For military relationships, I have friends in this dilemma, too. They are very devoted to their boyfriends and tell me they try to keep in contact with their SO as much as possible. So their answer is my answer: communication. Even if it's just an e-mail or letter, "Hey, just letting you know I'm thinking about you-- love you!".
However, I think you feel trapped in your marriage all together and (no offense if I'm wrong), but it seems you got married because you were pregnant. He has made a huge sacrifice and commitment to you, so although you didn't get the life you have imagined, you have the cards you were dealt, and it's up to you what to do with them.
having your SO in the military is hard but you should have known what you were getting yourself into before you make your choices in life. We all do something to help the people we love that are in the military.. we symbolize home for them.. something to look forward to when they're out there fighting for our country & risking their lives.
if you love your husband - i think it should be no question that you'd wait for him no matter how long a deployment is. Yes it gets lonely but thats why you have the internet and other people going through the same experiences - so you can relate to us.. and that way you can feel a little less alone.
we're all a part of the military s.o community. you just got to find us and share your feelings with us because you know we understand. just be strong. you know if your husband had a choice he'd be w/ you 24/7 but he has his duty to take care of you.. and protect you and the country. if you think about it.. he is protecting u every night.. just in a different way. be thankful for the things you got in life and you will be much happier - i guarantee it.
Hey hun. When your a military wife you have to know that things are less then perfect. Things are chaotic more than half the time.
I am a Marines wife. He has been gone throughout half our marriage. Now I am embarking in the deployment. I have two kids a 3year old boy and a 7 month old girl. Needless to say I am 22. I became a mom at 18. He will be gone in Nov 1 and not coming home until a day before my birthday next year. thats in sept. He will miss out on our daughters first birthday our two year wedd anni our sons 4th bday our 5 year relationship anni. I will miss out on his birthday and all the holidays in between. The thing about this is that even if I dont get him all to myself cus I have to share him with the military I cant see myself without him. And yes there are times when I do have him at my side where we cant stand each other and we fight like cats and dogs but at the end of the night he is still mine. I sleep next to him I tell him I love him because I know that soon enough he will not be at my side when I feel the most vulnerable. I try to get the most out of him when I do have him. I cherish every fight and cuddle we have.
There are times he is also distant and there are times when I am distant and to be honest its only bc you dont know what or how to ineract at that moment. Or your to busy thinking of whats to come or what you dont have.
I dont have my family around me. But to me his IS my family. I dont have contact with friends as much as I used to and I never thought I would end up a house wife.
Youre going to feel trapped a lot and if you need a breather do what you do...drives usually help me out. or even turning up some music.
What we have to learn is that life is never perfectly how we pictured it would be. You need to learn to deal and if you cant....then move on.
Good luck with that
@RedheadAblaze@xanga - I absolutely agree with this comment. We as spouses HAVE to make sacrifices because of the incredible sacrifices our husbands are making not only for us, but for their country as well. I completely expect my husband to be gone for birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc. You just learn to deal.
My husband left for boot camp last year on Oct.6 and we weren't together again in the same house until April 6... six months to the day from the day he left. Yes, it sucked, and yes, there were moments that were hard, but we spend a lot of our time writing letters, speaking via webcam (once he was able to have a computer in school), etc. I think we appreciated each other even more than we would have if he had not joined the Navy.
Now it's almost a year later, and I don't regret the decision we both made for him to join the Navy. I know that he will be going on deployment soon, and it will be another 6-8 months before I see him again, much less get to talk to him (he's on a submarine, so communications are more difficult than on a surface ship). And I'll deal with it by keeping myself busy.... making him care packages, writing letters, and writing down every tiny milestone my children have.
I am in a similar situation, although my boyfriend & I aren't married yet.
We met at Basic Training. I got to come home already and he is still stuck in Missouri. We are able to talk for around 30 minutes a week, and assuming they don't hold his mail, we can send letters.
I know it's really really tough to not lose that spark because you can't see them or touch them but what I do is just get creative with my letters - draw him stupid pictures, mail him cartoons, whatever.
And although it may not feel to you like your husband is home to protect you specifically, you should know that he is protecting not only you, but our entire nation's population - every single day that he wakes up. I know it's hard to deal with, but stay strong for him.
I'm wishing you all the best.
sure ..yeah..i feel bad...but you put yourself in that position...stop complaining..being selfish..
i know it sucks..but it takes two to make it work. he's waiting for you, too..but he's gotta do his thing. you can still get that beautiful wedding that you've always dreamed of...and yes, you are young....it's probably even harder