I've been reading a lot of research that talks about how divorced parents can affect a child's future relationships. The reason I'm interested in this is because my parents recently told me that they are getting separated, & I'm curious as to how my parents' failed relationship might affect my own relationships.
A lot of statistics seem to support the idea that children of divorce have a hard time with relationships later in life. Personally, I feel as if watching my parents relationship suffer & eventually fail has been almost beneficial to my learning about relationships. By this point in my life, at 18, I feel as if I know exactly what I do & don't want in a partner.
One particular study, however, says that
"The higher rates of divorce in adult children of divorce seem to stem from pessimistic behavior and attitudes acquired from living in a family of high parental conflict and from living in a broken home. Many reasons could account for the lower levels of trust and poorer skills for dealing well with conflict with a future or present spouse. Some of the theories behind the pessimism include the lack of an appropriate role model for a good marriage and a greater willingness to let divorce become an option for dealing with marital conflict. With these results in mind, the divorce rates of adult children of divorce might be lowered through finding good models, raising levels of trust, and finding methods of solving conflict other than divorce. Perhaps further studies on the qualities of long-lasting marriages of people with divorced parents will lend more help to those struggling with this issue. "
Another online source says that:
"Adult children of divorce lack a healthy ``Couple Template," or model of marital partnership. They carry the template of the relationship between their parents into adulthood and use it to seek the image of their new family. The absence of a good image negatively influences their search for love, intimacy, and commitment. Anxiety leads many young adults into making bad choices in relationships, giving up hastily when problems arise, or avoiding relationships altogether. "
Just because my parents were not the ideal couple doesn't mean I don't know what a good, healthy relationship looks like. I've observed qualities in other couples that I would like to see in my own relationships. Also, like I said before, I've learned what not to do through my parents. I definitely don't quit when things get rough, which is something my boyfriend can attest to. I rarely give up on a person. I have had few uber close relationships, but the ones I've got have been long-lasting and resilient.
What do you think? Are children of divorced parents necessarily doomed in their own relationships?
Recommend
Comments (41)
That's absurd.
As you said, just because my parents had a terrible relationship, doesn't mean that I can't tell a good relationship from a bad one.
i believe that. my parents never divorced, but they had such a shitty relationship, that it makes it really hard for me to trust future relationships, motives, etc. and it makes me feel like relationships aren't even worth it.
I don't think they're necessarily doomed, but I do think some people use their parents' divorce as an excuse to not work things out when things get rough. Others take the "couple template" they've been given and give themselves a reason to not give up easily. People just have to figure out what they want in a relationship and commit to fighting for it.
That might be statistically true but I don't think you can go through life thinking you can't chnage what will happen. And besides, although I am a child of divorce I have seen plenty of good and bad relationships. I have been very loved and my homes have always been positive environments. I am more blessed than many "normal" people.
I'm a child of divorce, and I'm completely normal.
It's really stupid to think we're "doomed".
I'm a child of divorce, as is my fiance. We both agree that we dont ever want to divorce. My parents were seperated for a long time before they actually divorced. I was really young when it happend. I'm 22 and am in the greatest relationship ever. No all children with divorced parents are "doomed". its how they take and the kind of help they recieve. I'm not "doomed" like statistics say. I think its rediculous.
its interesting, because my parents are divorced. I ultimately avoid relationships and commitment scares me.
i hope i'm not doomed...i'm trying to break the generational cycle of divorce in my family
i'd agree with you, that maybe the divorce can be helpful, but all studies i've seen about this point to the opposite, and so i have to side with them. i <3 studies haha
(always exceptions, though. my dad's parents got divorced, but my parents are still married.)
I certainly hope not cause I look at my daughter and I pray when she is old enough for a relationship that she will know what a good one looks like. And what does that say about kids whose parents get divorced but then get remarried? Does that mean they are only kind of doomed? It's ridiculous.
Well I'm divorced and I have a 15 year old daughter who has a boyfriend, whom she has been with since they met when they were 10. Thats 5 years and they have never left each others sides. They are the very best of friends. I think my daughter is setting me a fine example of how relationships should be. Not all children come out bad because of the influences that their parents relationships have on them, Some children are free thinkers and free feeling and make their own decisions about relationships, with the love and support of their parent/parents.
I disagree with the studie.
I have divorced parents, and I'm doing just fine.
Mmmm... you talk about children of divorce, but both of your studies reflect "adult children" which would count as what... pre-adolescents? Since ALOT of attachments are mainly formed in the earlier years of childhood (according to the likes of Bowlby, etc) I'm curious about how it effects the younger children?
My parents divorced when I was 5... and I just remember fighting prior to that. I would agree with the statements though... my "role model" of a father still can't keep it in his pants, and is now on his 3rd marriage... so yes, I'd say I've resulted with a few trust concerns about men.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - I'm in the same situation. Having personally not been able to keep long-term relationships out of circumstance and not having a good template, I question the contingent possibility of the fairytale ending. Although you may see many happy endings in Hollywood, as you grow older you begin to acknowledge reality. I think it also has to do with the type of relationships one has with their parents that is the basis for all other types of relationships.
My parents parents (my grandparents) all are divorced and my parents are still going strong and have a very healthy relationship.
This really seems more coincidental than anything.
I think that having divorced parents (or even parents that just hate each others' guts) makes you a bit more pessimistic about your own future love life - especially when you're destined for the lovely option of arranged marriage and everything that is the cultural norm. :P
Well my family doesnt really have divorces in it....
but I am married to a divorce child...and I have had to deal with some very bad things but I know I have helped him a lot ...bc he was a complete wreck....smart but emotionally fucked.
i don't think they're doom in relationships but they have to be just change the way they think about relationships and not make the same mistakes.
My parents aren't divorced but they've mentioned it so many times. I think that it's helped me choose a great guy to date :)
In some respect, it makes sense that a child of divorced parents might have a skewed or pessimistic view of relationships and therefore have trouble with their own. On the other hand, some children may gain insight from their parents' divorce and become more committed partners because of it. Kinda reminds me of those others questions that are tossed around: Do abused children become abusive parents? If your parents didn't go to college, are you destined to miss out on college, too?
@SomethingAboutKaren@xanga - Good pt, be optimistic path paver rather than follower.
You see, many children of divorced are doomed in their own relationships because they believe that no matter what they do they will still do the exact same mistakes their parents did (this also has to do with not having good parental role models). The kind of relationship our parents had marks us for life in the sense that it makes us subconciously look for people that remind us of them. That's why it's very probable that a woman that had an abusive father ends up with an abusive boyfriend/husband (this also applies for men). In the end very few people are strong enough to break those chains of misery and therefore end with that vicious cycle for once and for all.
I've been struggling with trust issues in my own relationship because of bad my parent's marriage was. I'm determined to not let that happen again, but still, dealing with past trauma gets really difficult at times.
Well, you have to look at it this way: Us kids from divorced parents know the downs of relationships. We see what happens what relationships don't work out. Generally this can lead us to be pessimistic on relationships because maybe we see them as doomed. However, you can't rely on just scientific studies to judge your own future. I try to look at relationships with optimism, even when things don't turn out so well. It's all in the matter of perception. :)
results will vary Blah blah blah. Our opinions will mostly be based upon our personal experience with the topic at hand.