So, I find myself single. And heart broken.
Even though I was the one to call it off.
Why? Because my heart won me over.
I am the type of person to make choices with my brain, way over my heart, in most cases. Yes, I'm still a really passionate person, and I'm far from being an emotionless robot. But, when a big decision comes my way, I'm just more of a logical type of gal. Call me a Vulcan, but that's just how I roll. (Yea that was pretty..nerdy. But when I think of someone that works all on logic and no emotion, Spock just pops into my mind. Moving on...)
My brain's telling me STAY WITH HIM. He is the one. He is perfect for you. He is trusting, cares about you more than anyone, is committed 100%, is serious about being with you, is accepting of who you are, flaws and all. He loves you. He makes you feel secure. He would be the perfect husband...
But...for some reason I WISH I could understand..but do not...my heart just won't agree with me. No matter how hard I have been trying to convince it that this guy is perfect for me...it refuses to listen. It keeps telling me...you don't love him. You care about him more than anyone in the entire world...you love who he is...but you just don't
love him.
I get so angry at myself for feeling this way. Because I know that this guy has never done me wrong to a point where I couldn't trust him anymore. And I know that he is genuinely there for me. Yet, I continue to feel this way.
Why? Why can't I control my emotions?
I know people say, as time goes on, the flames and sparks die out, and it's natural, can't be helped. But I just don't understand. It just doesn't comprehend in my mind.
So...after a while of trying as hard as I possibly could to rekindle the flames....I let it out to him, and said I wanted to break up with him.
So now, I sit here, alone, single. And heart broken. Not because another boy broke it. But because....I broke it myself. And I just can't understand why I've done this to myself.
I broke up with him, because I just couldn't bear to be with him like that...without him knowing how I truly felt toward him. I felt like I wasn't being fair to him. I knew the level of deep affection he had towards me was really deep...much deeper than mine for him. And it killed me to know that. I felt too horrible to let that go on.
So I broke it off.
My friends say I am really brave and have big balls (figuratively of course...) to have made that move and be straight up, thinking about him. But...am I really? I just feel stupid, and like I just dug my own grave for myself.
What do you guys think? Do you think it's possible to force yourself into loving someone? Is it even right to be doing that in the first place? Have you guys been in a relationship where the fire burned out, and how did that end up/what did you try to do to rekindle the flame?
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Comments (42)
You can't force yourself to love someone. You either do, or you don't.
I know it sucks, but if you weren't going to be happy with him, then you made the right decision by getting out now so that you can find someone that you do love, no questions asked.
Even if a person fits all your criteria, sometimes there just isn't the connection that would draw you towards him emotionally. There's nothing wrong with you. You can't really convince yourself to love a person if you don't have a reason in your heart. This applies to friends and family too. Not just romantic love.
you did the right thing, but you'll be confused for a while i think. you can't really force yourself to love someone, and if you got married, somewhere along the road you'd regret it since you knew beforehand your real feelings for him.
Yea I also think you did the right thing. Just make sure it wasnt for self destructive motive like me, and that your heart really doesnt love him. For me, I truly did love him and tried to hold on to him for a year but I got tired of playing games and overanalyzing his evry move to the point that It was harder to believe him even though he really is a genuine guy and he really loved me. I guess I kept putting myself down thinking that I didnt deserve him because I couldnt bring myself to commit to him like how commited he was to me. I wanted to commit to him- to be the one for him but something always threw me off balance...and I got tired of it. In the end it hurted him really bad that even if I try to rekindle the flame it wouldnt be the same again.
You did the right thing.
That was the right decision, sometimes, like a real flame, it doesn't burn as strongly as the beginning. Taking a break or breaking it off is the right thing to do at times.
i'll admit, when my bf & i started dating (and even a few months down the track), it was obvious he had the stronger feelings in our relationship. he was doting, and affectionate, cared deeply for me and i, just coming out of a long distant relationship, craved it. but deep down, i knew he cared for me more than i ever thought i could care for him. true, this may seem selfish on my part, and i won't lie, it was. at least you were honest enough to come forward & save future heartbreak. back to my situation though, over time my feelings grew, and i felt myself falling for him, no matter how much i didnt want to. now i'm at a point in our relationship where the love i have for my bf measures, if not surpasses the love he has for me (well, that's in my opinion. he tells me he loves me more, but in my mind, this can not be. lol) and so, i don't know where this is honestly going lol, but i just thought i'd let you know that maybe.. just maybe.. if you held on long enough, you too could have found this bliss. i'm not saying it happens often, maybe he wasn't the right one.. or maybe, he was, it's just not the right timing. too many maybe's if you ask me, i'd need something concrete to go on. just give it time. time to think things over, time to decide what you want, and time to heal. x
@BlackJackBebe@xanga - i like your answer "just maybe.. if you held on long enough, you too could have found this bliss. i'm not saying it happens often, maybe he wasn't the right one.. or maybe, he was, it's just not the right timing. too many maybe's if you ask me, i'd need something concrete to go on. just give it time. time to think things over, time to decide what you want, and time to heal."
@wachamakulit@xanga - aw thanks :) i just felt this blog hit home for me. had to put my two cents worth in haha :D
you did the right thing sweety, you can't force yourself to love someone no matter how good they are to you, if the spark or connection is no longer there, don't beat yourself up for it.
What do you mean, you care about him more than anyone else and you love who he is but not him?? What does that mean? What is your definition of love? o.O
I think it's possible to force yourself to love someone, but not to fall in love with someone. When the sparks aren't there, they just aren't; you can't rekindle something that's not even present. I think you did a good thing to break it off, because if you can't give him your 100%, he may begin to give his 110% to compensate, and that's not fair. Just take some time to mull things over. I'm sure you'll both get past this as stronger people. Good luck!
Ohh dear, I was in this EXACT SAME situation over the summer. Wonderful boy that would have walked to the end of the earth and back for me...willing to talk about and work on any issue, totally supportive of everything I did...but part of me was just not there.
Sure, there were some other small cracks in the relationship, but they had mostly been there since the beginning (1.5 years prior) and at the time they were a non-issue.
But I broke up with him, and I cried, I felt lonely, and I felt like I didn't have any right to be. He was the one that was hurt, and I was only getting what I wanted, right? But it was the hardest breakup I've ever gone through.
It's been over two months since the breakup, and I am more and more convinced I did the right thing. That said, I still wonder if I will ever have anybody love me as much as he did...
Wow, this blog is ironic for me, I just broke up with my boyfriend today for the exact reason. Do you know exactly what it is that makes you feel like hes not the one? Not attracted to him? Is the sex boring? Is he too simple for you? Immature ?
I think once you figure out what it is that turned you off about him and what it is that you really want out of a man.. you won't feel so heartbroken. Theres a reason you did what you did.. subconciously you knew that you weren't in love with him.. & that you might be missing out on something better.
But then again... is the flame always going to burn out after a few months with every relationship? Im in the same boat as you, honey ! I think the best thing we can do is give ourselves time to figure things out.. :/
It feels horrible right now, but that's because you've spent so long trying to convince yourself he's the one that it won't stop right away. But you know when you're with the one you should be with, and you know when you're with the one you're just settling for. Don't settle. Never settle. You'll only make yourself unhappy in the process. Trust me, I've tried. I tried settling for the guy who treated me nice, and would always be faithful, and whom my parents and brother adored.
I couldn't do it. There was no challenge there. And by challenge, I don't mean the chase. I mean he was too safe...there was no challenge to grow and become the best person I could be for him. And even though he loved me, adored me, and would have done anything for me, he didn't know me. He thought he did, but he didn't. And in the end, it just wasn't working. I broke up with him once, and felt exactly like you do now. And when I got back together with him, it was okay for a few months, but I eventually broke up with him again. And that's when I felt better about it. I felt like I was free.
And then I met my husband, who I've never had a doubt about. I wasn't settling when I met him...I knew he was it. But if I'd settled for my ex, I'd never have met my husband, and I'd have been miserable.
So what you're feeling is normal. And you'll move past it to see that he just wasn't it for you. You'll find the one for you, where you won't have to force it. And then all of this pain will make you even more thankful when you do find your One.
-Katie
If your heart and brain disagree,your heart might be right.
KUDOS TO YOU!!!! Too many young girls/women are too afraid that they'll never find the one or be alone forever so they'll stay with someone they don't love. You should be very proud of yourself that you're smart enough to know the difference.
I have a close friend who I absolutely adore. He's a fantastic guy and completely adores me. I'm sick right now and he offered to bring me soup after he gets out of work. He is sweet and makes me laugh... but it's just not there. I just don't feel that romantic feeling so we cannot make it work.
And in answer to your question: do NOT try to force it! It is not fair to you or to him. Would you want to be with someone who was trying really hard to be in love with you? No. Everyone wants someone who cannot HELP but love them. And you deserve to be with someone who drives you crazy (in a good way)! Not someone who you have to TRY to love. You both deserve that.
Again, I'm glad to hear that you are smart enough to know the difference.
You did the right thing. I think you'll be confused and hurt for a while, but in the long run you'll most likely be glad for your decision :] You can't change how you really feel, ever. The world would be so much easier if you could.
hang in there. ;)
You can't control your emotions and if you try you'll ignite what's called, "return of the repressed" where your emotions will manifest into physical ailments. Never try to control your emotions just do what is right to you. It's stupid to do otherwise if you want what's best for you.
I've been in this situation before. & I have to say you cannot force yourself to love someone. He's the perfect guy for you, but that doesn't mean you have to love him. Your heart knows best sometimes. You have to follow it. You can never control your emotions. People that say they can are talking BS. Although he may be perfect for you, being in love is a big part in making a relationship work out in the long run.
i have so much respect for u. i think it be a better world if more ppl were like u and could be honest wth themselves, and less cowardly.
yea ..what's the quote...'the heart has reasons that reason can not know' there's something else out there for u....believe in the power of life.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - agreed. And that's from personal experience.
Mad props. Your post made me wanna cry ;[
This is a comment like the others: yes, you did the right thing.
Normally, you'd think a guy that fits all your criteria will be the one for you, but sooner or later, you'll realize that most of your relationships, you'll be with someone you thought you'd never be with.
This is one of the reason why girls dig bad guys and reject the nice guys.
As your title says: "Can you rekindle the flame?" It's simple: no, because nice guys don't bring fiery spice in your little world, so it likely won't happen.
You did the right thing, dear.
I'm in the same boat right now.
So I don't know if it's possible.
But I hope it is.
Because he's perfect for me.