Sunday, 20 September 2009
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Video Games and Anger Management
I don't know what to make of this situation. I love him, but then there have been times where I just don't know how much longer I can take his abuse. I can't talk to my friends, cause I don't know what to say to them. Any advices would be greatly appreciated.
These days, I feel as though my boyfriend is having anger management issues. Recently, he lost his job and I have been very supportive. He feels insecure, and doesn't think he can do anything right. Additionally, he has been mistreated by other people in the past. I feel as though he feels as though he is entitled to everything now, because of all of the misfortunes that happened to him in the past. I try my best to be a great girlfriend, but sometimes it is just so hard. He has a bad temper, and when he gets mad, no one can stop him - including myself. He'd yell, swear, throw things around, and kick me out of his house. This was months ago, and he swear me to me that he has changed for the better.
These days since he has been so stressed, he has been playing and venting through gaming. I am trying to share his interest and have started playing with him. This is the first time that I am actually playing games online, so I am still pretty new to the concepts of the game. However, when we play and I am a little slow or I missed some (minor) details, he would explode on me. I don't mean like jokingly say that I suck, but actually calling my phone to yell at me for being so stupid, or type really vulgar names such as "slut, whore, you're fucking stupid, I can't believe you're such an idiot, do you even have a fucking brain?."
These names hurt me, and he knows it does, but doesn't seems to care at the time. However, the next day he would call and apologizes to me and tell me it will never happen again. He would tell me that he loves me and that he is sorry. Then, it happens again and again.
He is usually loving when we're together but I don't know why he has to be so emotionally abusive when we're playing games. It is an activity where we're supposed to enjoy together because I am trying my best to share one of his interests. Instead, I feel horrible and it just hurts me terribly when he does this to me. He has a history of getting angry, but he doesn't see it this way. He thinks that it is just him being impatient. I don't really know what to make of this.
We love each other but I cannot stand to be constantly emotionally abused because I am a new to a computer game. If I did something wrong, lied, or cheated on him; I would probably understand his frustration with me. However, this is a game, and I just don't understand why he gets so angry at me.
Will he changed, or is this a red-flag to break up with him?
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Comments (28)
Red-Flag!
It seems too obvious that the gaming isnt helping at all to vent, sounds like an excuse to get you to play with him, and he has an excuse to vent on YOU more.
Tell it to him straight, no immediate results, or its ova.
Perhaps stepping into his safe haven is a bad idea. He probably plays games so he can forget about real life situations and to relieve his stress. I know from playing games with other guy friends, that there are a lot of times where things get really heated up in-game and having a "n00b" affect their chances of winning makes it even worse..
I don't really have any advice to give you. Sorry.
Stop playing the frikkin game with him for a start... you clearly aren't good enough at it, and more importantly it's making the situation worse.
You need to realise ITS A GAME. The world wont end if you wipe in Naxx, or your kill death drops in COD because of a few bad games. Some people get so into the game that they start to live in it, that's a problem (I've been there XD). Because they don't realise how they are acting to people around them.
This guy sounds like a dick in all honesty though. I've known quite a few couples who play games together, and I've known very few if ANY who talk to each other the way he talks to you. If it's happening again, and again, I wouldn't stand for it. He's not learning from his mistakes so I suggest you talk with him, seriously, and state you don't want to put up with it any longer. It's his choice then whether he'll change his ways.
That sounds a lot like my ex, and I left him in the dust because he refused to stop. I don't put up with abuse.
I understand why you'd want to game with him. If you still want to do it, play on your own time by yourself so that you can catch up to his level eventually, and then play with him. However, if I were you, I'd flee from that relationship altogether. If you've already talked to him about the problem, and he hasn't done anything to get better (go to a psychiatrist, go to anger management classes, etc.), then he doesn't care enough about you or your relationship.
He's a jackass. Get rid of the brat.
Um, I'm surprised you allow him to call you such vulgar names continuously :|
He's not worth it.
Games are fun, and I take them seriously most of the time. Also, when I play with people I'm close to I still expect them to at least play seriously when the situation demands for it, but that doesn't give me the right to degrade them when they don't do good. What your boyfriend is doing shows the real reflection of himself, and there is a clear line to when enough is enough.
My god. No way should you ever allow your man to call you a whore or a slut in a derogatory way. If I had a boyfriend who ever called me that, I would dump his ass immediately. If he only did it once and apologized and begged for forgiveness, I might take him back. Repeated verbal abuse, though? No amount of begging would get me to go out with him again.
Get away before he damages your emotional health permanently.
wowww. he should NOT be calling you that. he really should fix himself quickly, or you should leave him.
BIG RED-FLAG!!
he should definitely get his anger checked up and fixed, most people think that it'll go away after finding a new job, but it doesn't, it's habit, the habit itself needs to be fixed for it to go away (maybe not entirely gone away)... it's like... what if he loses his job again, the issues resurface again... but yeah, it's definitely a sensitive issue to bring up as he might hate you for suggesting anger management since more times than not, people tend to be in denial when anger management is suggested; it's like telling them they have a problem... it's true that they have a problem, but most people are stubborn and think they don't have a problem... not sure if you got what i meant, but hopefully it did... and then there's that other thing, some people might tell their partners to lie and pretend that there's nothing wrong to friends and family... that itself is pretty abusive and is considered a red-flag... but yeah, just suggest it (when, i don't know, maybe after figuring out the answers below), but when you do, don't make it sound like you're forcing him to go... if he wants to, then good, if not, then you need to plan an exit...
also, i suggest answering these questions... does he recognize that his actions and words are emotionally hurting you (don't know, test him - how, cry and see how he reacts)? does he ever tried to control his anger? is he easily addicted to things? can he control his addictions? these answers might help you determine the severity of his problem... the bigger the problem, the longer it'll take to fix...
BREAK UP WITH HIM.
He shouldn't be calling you that and he keeps on promising that he will change, but has he? No. Leave before things get worse!
You definitely need to leave that relationship. If he is acting like this towards you now and is continuously doing it to you even when he says he will stop, then you just need to leave.
No guy will ever call me a whore, slut, etc. and tell me I have no fucking brain. I don't have patience to be treated that way; I love myself too much to let someone talk to me like that. On top of that, I have too much integrity.
It is a huge red flag, because after the verbal abuse comes physical. And will you allow him to apologize if he hits you? I understand playing the game, I am divorced from a gamer, who spent all his free time on the game, he was not abusive, but I have been in abusive relationships, and they do not change. He knows what he does is wrong hence the remorse the next day, but he should never ever let it happen. And you should not let him speak to you that way. Stand up for yourself, leave him and find someone who treats you right.
Red flag.
Get out of there. You don't know what it can do to you in the long run.
You don't deserve that crap, and he's manipulating you by being all lovey with you when you're together and anything but whenever he decides he's cranky.
Do you even have to ask? Dump the cunt!
It's obvious - just by what you've written - that you're enduring a cycle of abuse. And that is NOT okay. Don't try to justify his anger with the fact that he lost his job. If he's getting all pissy over something as insignificant as video games, and this anger stems from the loss of his job, then it's clear that he's not mature enough to handle tough situations and is more than willing to take it out on others who don't deserve it. He is not worth your time.
Honestly.. he's treating you terribly, like, I can see him getting a little annoyed, but if he escalates to that amount of anger over a video game then I'm not sure I'd feel safe around the guy!
No, hardly anyone ever really changes. That's just an excuse. Tell him to exercise to vent his frustrations, or dump him.
You're in a cycle of emotional abuse right now, so I say, cut the strings and find yourself someone better. Someone who doesn't respect you isn't worth your time. If you say, "Oh, he's just angry", you're giving yourself an excuse to put up with his childish behavior.
Dump his ass.
- Kunoichi
... are you dating my ex boyfriend? Lol I'm kidding (sort of) but in all honesty honey you have to give him an ultimatum: your behavior changes or I go. Then stick to it. Trust me, you'll be much happier
it seems like you've been really supportive through all this and if you're feeling like this already and asking if you should leave him, you already got the answer yourself by asking that question. no one deserves to be treated that way.
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Nobody deserves to be treated that way! Especially not someone trying as hard as you, someone as supportive and patient as you. Besides, his anger makes him a horrible teacher if he wants you to play with him; even if you were totally, epically failing at the game, an utter n00b, gentle correction is the only way that he could really teach you effectively. (We ALL start out as n00bs, right? I started playing games with my husband and I could hardly even move the character around at first, let alone successfully fight anything, but he was patient with me, utterly so. At least now I'm pretty good, but I never would have suceeded this quickly with someone yelling at me and berating me. Heck, if he yelled at me over a stupid video game, I would walk out or kick him out for the night or until we worked things out. If he were my boyfriend and he treated me like that, eh, twice, I'd break up with him.)
This guy has already shown a pattern of treating you horribly. I think you have given him MORE than enough chances. Even as a gracious person you are starting to allow him to abuse you by staying with him, becoming an "enabler." Even if he's sweet most of the time. (That's the pattern. It's what keeps you hooked but after a while you may have to accept he's not going to change just from the sad consequence of you being hurt by his lack of control. He may be the sweetest guy ever most of the time and he may genuinely *mean* to change, and he may have been treated terribly in the past, but he's not entitled to treat you badly. EVER.) You've been so accomodating, but it's time to set some healthy boundaries. I bet the best hope he has of improving is for you to leave him. It's the biggest consequence you can give him (and he deserved it long ago) and maybe that's the only thing that will help him learn his lesson. He needs to actually want to change even more than he says he does now. Nex time he yells at you, kicks you out, treats you badly, calmly explain that that was the last straw and that he has displayed a consistent pattern of making you feel really badly and that you need to get out now, if only to save yourself. However, in your mind, remember that you're actually helping him by breaking up with him. You're giving him a chance to clean up his act in a way he never would have gotten if you had stayed with him which allowed him to keep mistreating you. (Even if he changes after you lay down the law by breaking up with him, really changes, wait at least six months to a year to see if it's really real before you even consider reconnecting, and even then I would be very, very cautious.)
I hope you post a follow-up because I'd like to know what happens!
Good luck and best wishes!
Listen to what everyone's telling you. His behavior is a major red flag, and you don't deserve to be treated like this. Find a way to quit the relationship, and don't look back.
Wake-Up! Definitely a RED-FLAG to BREAK-UP!
Please keep in mind that emotional abuse leaves a scar longer than the physical. And based on your story, there's an unending cycle of misdeeds then apologies to you, which is no longer healthy on your relationship. And he never appreciated the fact you joined him on his interest about video games. Because if ever my girlfriend would play WoW or farm wow gold with me, I'll certainly rejoice!