Thursday, 17 September 2009
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How Many is Too Many?
Major issue. My best friend just transferred to the same college as me this year. I was so excited. I imagined things would be just like in high school again when we could finish each others sentences and could talk about anything. Then, came the surprise.
She started seeing one of my best guy friends, but they quickly dissipated when he found out she was still having sex with an ex. I was a little upset because that caused friction between us and him, and that means I couldn't see him very easily anymore.
First weekend after move in, on a Friday, she goes to a party and makes out with 3 different guys and a girl. A lot of people start calling her an ugly slut and my guy friend (the one she had been seeing) was at the party and says he thinks she is gross and really can't be in contact with her at all anymore. Again, I feel saddened and not to mention thrown for a loop when I heard about what she had done.
Saturday, she sleeps with guy number three that she had kissed the night before.
Sunday, she sleeps over at his house again.
Monday she goes out and drinks with him.
She has had sex with six guys this year, since April....
I am in a serious relationship and I take intimate things really seriously. Am I just different? Is my friend a slut? How many is too many?
What would you guys do?
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Comments (76)
>.< sounds like my best friend. i don't know what to tell you, because there's no way for you to change them
Your friend is a slut or as they liked to be called "free spirits"...lol...but to each his/her own, right?
I appreciate monogamy and intimacy as well, therefore I would be grossed out by her actions.
I strongly believe in the saying "show me your friends and I can tell you who you are." Therefore, if you don't want to be seen as a slut, you may have to cut ties with this friend. Or if you totally disagree with her lifestyle and feel as if you will lose other important relationships because of her, then you might want to cut her loose.
I don't have a precise number of what's too many...but I've only been with one person and I'm 24 and I like it that way
@Luvlystarr@xanga - There is no such thing as too many. And are you really so worried about your own image that you would stop being friends with someone because of how people might see you? Sounds like you appreciate superficiality rather than caring for another human being. Even if you don't agree with everything your friends do doesn't mean you just say "fuck you" and leave them. Or maybe you do an they'll be better off for it.
My first reaction is: just let her do what she wants, telling her she is sleeping with too many guys won't solve anything
Second reaction: Your opinion is your opinion. Many people will say more than 1 is too many. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. If she goes over a set limit what are you going to do? stop seeing her as a friend? You need to consider why you are imposing a "limit" for your friend
your friend is doing it wrong, you are doing it right. her behavior IS that of a slut. maybe you should talk to her about it and if she isn't receptive of your opinion, let her go. she might have changed a lot since high school and you two might not be 'best friends' anymore
@IfIWereAchilles@xanga - Hence to each his/her own. This is a site for advice isn't it? Why can't I lay out options? You clearly haven't tried to offer advice to this person. Everyone has their own opinion on things of this nature. Too many is something that doesn't matter to you, too many is something that matters to me. On superficiality-->It's not about that, it's about image. As a professional, there's a image one must maintain in order to generate potential business as well as maintain current business. I have one life and I will live however I so choose, just like the writer of this issue friend is living. There are always consequences for the choices we make in our lives, therefore it is wise to make the choice that makes the most sense to prosperity of your own life. We all have choices, I choose what works for me.
Funny but college has a way of bringing out the wild child in everyone. Anyway, if you feel uncomfortable with your friends behavior then you should address it to her and let her know how you feel. Although, you're not her keeper and can't really tell her what to do so don't be disappointed if she disagrees with you and calls you a prude.
My only advice to you is to ask yourself if you can continue to be her friend knowing all this (including what people are saying) and be comfortable with it. If it makes you feel like an outcast or uncomfortable with stares and whispers, then you know what you have to do...I say ask her if she's alright. Such rampant sexuality isn't exactly normal, and may be her way of coping with some sort of internal problem she has. Tell her you're worried about her health, both physical and emotional, and see if you can try to help and save her from this chaotic lifestyle.
I don't like calling women sluts...I think it's a terrible thing to say about someone, but her behavior is excessive and sex with 6 people in 6 months is a lot. you should talk to her about this...maybe there's a root cause to all of this?
@Pcgecko85@xanga - but you can't deny that her friend is engaging in high risk behavior and therefore increases her chance of contacting STDs and getting pregnant. I think author is writing this post because she's concern about her friend.
Maybe she's dealing with some kind of underground stress and having sex is her way of dealing with it.
@Luvlystarr@xanga - Considering the person who posted is talking about college life, I'm not sure the professional analogy would apply and since that was the context of the post, you can see the difficulty in interpreting a statement about image as anything other than one generated from some fear of public opinion and gossip.
As for my advice, it would be first to not listen to your advice, and to take a little time to think whether or not it's worth losing a friend just because she's getting laid when she wants to. Being prude has its consequences, too and it might lead to some that she regrets.
how many is too many... this is like asking people on here how many pounds over normal weight is fat? it's completely an opinion.
first of all, yes you are just different (from your friend). what would i do in a situation like this? well, is her behavior somehow disrupting her life or causing her harm? if not, then maybe this is just a problem that YOU have with her, not a problem that she has inherently, and you need to work on this yourself.
@IfIWereAchilles@xanga - It definitely matters, whether you're in college or not. With social networks such as facebook, myspace, twitter, etc. It all matters. Employers are utilizing these sources and many people's images are being tarnished, believe it or not.
Lol, this individual or you do not have to consider the options I've presented and you certainly don't have to like what I wrote. My life WILL go on and I can guarantee that I will not lose any sleep over this.
You can take it or leave it with a grain or salt or not.
Maybe she has an internal conflict and having sex helps her deal with it?
@zxzeebrastar@xanga - Agreed.
Why not try talking to her about this? Assuming this behavior isn't typical for her if you're so surprised, haha. Maybe it is just college? You're different because you're in a relationship. Whereas she has really no one to be intimate with emotionally and physically. Maybe this is just her way of coping with it? Or maybe she just wants to live her college life the way she thinks she ought to?
Make sure she's using condoms at least.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - same problem here =/
i dont really kno whut to do...
I'm a monogamist, so I find those actions quite nasty. But, you know, if it's what she wants to do, I guess let her. It is her life. Just talk to her some time and express your concern with her. Make sure she protects herself.
i had a friend like that and due to my much "old-fashioned" ideas about sex and what not, we had a lot of difference in our opinions. but in the end, she ended up with a really nasty case of STDs and corrected her behavior because she thought she was invincible to possible incurable diseases for some reason. *shrug*
I just hope your friend takes care of herself even in her "free spirited" actions so she doesn't end up picking up a bug or two from her fellow "free spirited" men.
...and if it were a guy it'd be all fine right? lol.
Idk maybe first talk to her. sit her down and explain your concern. Maybe something is or was going on in her life that made her react with this behavior. But yea if things don't tone down eventually you and her probably will go different ways anyway and you may want to distance yourself...as sad as it may be.
I would keep my opinion to myself. It's not really your business.
@Leitey@xanga - lol. look at you keeping it real! haha
as long as she's happy and not decieving any of the guys she's sleeping with or dating (though it sounds like with your guy friend she did... you should probably talk to her about that sort of thing), but yea so long as she's truly happy and safe i see no issue. stand up for her and her decisions and maybe the slut/virgin dichotomy will end.
It's unfortunate she's causing friction between you and others.
As long as she's protecting herself (protection etc.) and doing it for herself with no regrets, let her do her.
But as a concerned friend, you should sit down and talk to her about your concerns. Let her know how her actions have interfered with other friendships you have and is making it uneasy. What she does is her business, but as her friend, you are concerned she may be doing these things for the wrong reason, esp. if something in her life isn't right. Let's not forget to ask if she's being careful and using protection.
Everyone has their standard of how many is "too many." I think FOR ME that a certain amount is too many, but that's just a standard I put on myself. Someone else may differ, esp. if they're more sexually liberated.
she can be a slut if she wants. her philosophy might be that college only happens once in a lifetime so why not sleep around because that is apparently a part of college life LoL my advice is continue being her friend but don't drink ever from the same cup as her because she might have herpes of the mouth or other contagious nasties