Just to say this before anybody judges him otherwise, I love my boyfriend to death. He's very good to me and puts me before him. The only real problem in this relationship is jealousy.
I wouldn't cheat on him, and he knows that, and he trusts me with all his heart (his words). The only thing that bothers him, is when I'm really close with some of my guy friends that he doesn't know that well.
I would talk to this specific guy friend every day. Not for hours or anything, just on a daily basis at some point in the day. After school mostly. We're becoming better friends and we talk about what happened today, girl problems (for him), other problems, etc. And I talk to him on Facebook frequently too, and my boyfriend mentioned something sarcastically about that.
I'm with my boyfriend almost every day because of school. We usually hang out on the weekends. I've only hung out with this other guy friend of mine once, but we're good friends and my boyfriend seems to have a problem with it.
He just gets jealous really easily, and I was trying to think of some ways that he can overcome his jealousy. We've talked about it, and he says he can't 'change who he is'. Before him, I used to be a jealous and clingy girlfriend. Thank god I changed, so I'm sure he can too.
Any suggestions? Anybody else going through this or already dealt with it?
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Comments (37)
have them meet.
o i've been in your shoes before. you just have to let him know the truth..and complimenting him and telling him why you like him and like being around him helps, too. =P
honestly if you love your man so much why is maintaining this other friendship that makes him uncomfortable so important to you?
you see--i am him right now. or i was a couple of weeks ago. what changed? every thing i predicted these girls would do came to pass and my fiance realized i was completely right.
men usually avoid admitting that they care about anything more than physical relations between males and females, but they are just as wary of emotional affairs as well. he wants to be your best friend, not some other dude. he doesn't want to be replaced emotionally if not physically.
you say you used to be the clingy jealous girl, maybe it wasn't you that changed, just your situation. now you are the one that wants to have close relationships with the opposite sex you are suddenly benevolent in this department towards your boyfriend who probably is not really interested in being close friends with any other girls. But in your head it would be fine, right? Unless guy #2 didn't ever exist and then you wouldn't be okay with it.
The only solution here isn't for your bf to stop being jealous, it is for you to prove on your facebook wall, in your relationships with others, that he is the only guy who you need. If you can truly prove that, he will be a lot better about you having those guy friends.
i don't get jealous.
i never show how jealous i am. i'm too proud. soemthing i have to fix.
I don't get jealous. And neither does my husband. He knows everyone I know, and I know everyone he knows. So, if someone comes over to hang out it's no big.
But, I think if he didn't know the person he'd be uncomfortable. As would I if it were him.
The best thing for you to do is (if your friend agrees to go along with this) to tell your boyfriend that your friend is gay. All of my friends are women because I hate men. But that is how me and my friends have solved the problem of there boyfriends wanting to shoot me. lol
Whenever my friends get a new boyfriend they immediately hate me and get jealous because I look and act so hot. There boyfriends get so jealous that this is how we always solve this problem. If these insecure clowns actually knew how much I like women they would cry. lol
@ChevalierSeingal - Yah, way to breed healthy relationships.
i'm totally in your bf's position. my boyfriend has a very close female friend who i am also friends with (although we are not as close as they are, she refers to him as her "best" friend, while i am simply a "friend")
the only thing that would make me happy is for him to cut off seeing her alone. although i trust him fully, i do not trust her, and perhaps that's what your boyfriend is feeling too. do not hang out with this friend for long periods of time (aka over 15 minutes) without your boyfriend or another friend (who myour bf does trust) around the two of you.
and like someone above said "if you love your man so much why is maintaining this other friendship that makes him uncomfortable so important to you? " because if having him be uncomfortable is worth you having this other male friend, you might not love your bf as much as you think you do. love is wanting him to be happy, and in this case, that involves modifying your behavior, not his.
Why the fuck should this girl ditch her friends because of her boyfriends insecurity? What then? Move to the middle of the woods in Montana pregnant and barefoot?
You girl's have no confidence and self esteem in yourselves so you have to find validation in another human which is a total impossibility. Good luck living the people pleasing low self esteem lifestyle, your going to need it!
@astrellia@xanga - yup yup!
I actually never was jealous til I met my ex..that fuckin' dumbass.
But I had a right to be jealous....known as a manwhore...and cheater. Mmhmm. I think i had a right not to trust his ass with females
I can understand why your bf can be jeolous.
You might not have changed, it might just be the guy who haven't given you a reason to be jealous. He shouldn't be jealous if you only saw your friend once throughout the friendship. Maybe he's jealous cuz you spend a lot of time talking about your friend or even talking to him...that takes away the time spent between you and your bf.
There's an easy way to avoid the jealousy issue completely. Don't socialize with people who can't wait until marriage to "get it on."
Lord have mercy. Don't socialize with the opposite sex. They can't offer you anything but the "male" or "female" perspective. We all hate being generalized. Just ask your SO what his or her perspective is and stick it to everybody else.
Besides if they are offering you more than that it's bordering on emotional infidelity. That kind of friendship - you just joking around- they make you feel good about you in a new and exciting way- the way your SO doesn't. You get fed up with your SO and your perceived rejections and then you focus in on the person that's feeding your ego. Then one night you go over "just to talk" (about your SO). Even in normal situations people cheat at this point easily.
@Appealing2maiEye@xanga - So agree! That is the # 1 way to get your boyfriend to not be jealous. Soon after we were married, I introduced my husband to a guy I had a crush on in high school (who was still a very good friend). Now he has no problem with me talking to him/hanging out with him, etc. (And no, I don't have feelings for him anymore; that was 10 freaking years ago).
@Appealing2maiEye@xanga - That's a really good idea.
You having them meet will show him that there's nothing going on, that you're not trying to hide anything and there's nothing to worry about.
is this friend really a "good friend"? you guys don't sound that close.
If you were once the jealous clingy girlfriend then maybe you can understand where he is coming from and why he is a jealous boyfriend as well... And since you changed, maybe you can help him overcome his jealousy too...
@ChevalierSeingal - "...they immediately hate me and get jealous because I look and act so hot." LOL!
Well, I learned my lesson about an SO having a best friend of the opposite sex. Haha, she was actually my best friend at the beginning then they decided to run off together. No wonder I'm so bitter and insecure! =]
Anyway, having them meet sounds like a good idea. That way your boyfriend can have some reassurance that this guy doesn't want to just get in your pants. Mine is convinced that's all "guy friends" are interested in, since he has experience with it I guess. Haha... men.
He's a jealous person and so am I. So neither of us can have phone numbers from the opposite sex in our phones. Cuts alot of drama out of the relationship. Until you get caught not keeping that promise. So you might not want to start off lying about this guy being gay.
@Athlyx@xanga - lol, yes I totally agree. I feel sorry for women. Men can be total scum bags. When I was younger I was a total nerd who didn't have any luck with women, so I thought women were the mean ones. But now that things are different I have come to the conclusion that women have it much worse then men.
Especially after I started to date guy's. I mean all these guy's online are so shallow. All they want to do is have computer sex like a bunch of 14 year old's, then when you tell them you are not interested in computer sex, they drop you like a hot bag of potatoes. lol
The trick is we have to always remember that we have what they want. With this knowledge and a little bit of friendly teasing manipulation, if we keep these German Shepherds (men) on the edge, we can get whatever we want out of them and we won't even have to put out lol
God I love being BI !!! Haha. lol
I'm not going to say I don't get jealous, because there are times that I do, but I just don't show that I am.
Hmm...I believe you should have them meet and become friends, if possible. My bf seems to be more comfortable with me hanging around guys that are his friends, who he really trusts. I think guys tend to think that since you have a bf, why are you talking to other guys? Some girls think this way too. I'm not the overly jealous type, so I couldn't think from my bf's perspective of being suspicious of other guys or other people in general. Just b/c I talk to ppl doesn't mean anything, but that's not the point. Anyways, I think if you your bf at least gets to see your "guy friend" and have a talk in a group of friend setting, it'll take away his curiosity and suspicion of that guy. Hope it goes well!!
P.S. I hardly ever talk to other guys that aren't my bf's friend unless I meet a classmate in the hallways and we just exchange greetings like "Hey, how've you been?...."
When I was going out with my ex, I was very jealous. His best friend is his ex girlfriend and his 'first love.' He talked to her ever day on the phone, and even wrote to her about how he still liked her all these years after...WHILE we were going out. I stayed with him after that, but needless to say, I grew more and more jealous of any girl, AND that specific girl. He still talked to her everyday. Now, he wants me back, and I decided that I couldn't do it again. I couldn't be sitting here wondering if my boyfriend really loved me and not his 'best friend'.
This is where your story comes in. Your boyfriend could have had a past relationship like mine, or somethign happen to him that causes him to be very jealous. I know that I still have lingering jealousy problems because of it. Your boyfriend wants to be your best friend. He doesn't want another guy to take the spot of best friend. I read a comment above saying that your guy friend is the one feeding your ego, making you feel better, when your boyfriend might upset you. THIS is what is hard about having opposite sex friends when in a relationship. You get nothing but positive feedback from your guy friend so you start thinking more highly of him, leaving your boyfriend in the background. Secondly, friendship love and relationship love is different. Friendship love really has no need for barriers, and can expand and grow a lot. Relationship love always has barriers, those feelings of needing to guard yourself, and not being able to express your love as much as you want in fear of being 'clingy' or 'overbearing.' So your love for your guy friend might seem more than your boyfriend.
introduce them. usually thats what i do. If they know the person, and knows that they're not the type of guys that would steal you away from him, then most of the time they're fine with it