Saturday, 12 September 2009
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Can I Be An Army Wife?
My fiance is in the Army and is being deployed in about three- four months. In the Army things are fast paced and you live day to day. We have only been dating for four months but know that our relationship is the real deal. We have known from day one that we were gonna spend forever together. However, his parents still believe that we need to wait until he gets back from Afghanistan. Their reasoning is that we are too young, I might find someone while he is gone, and that his parents won't be able to attend our wedding.
We planned on getting married before he leaves to go overseas because of the benefits for our future family and us. We think we are ready for the next step in life. My parents are behind us and some of my friends are too. I don't want to start our new life with his parents mad at us or a rift in the family. I know that we have to make ourselves happy and do what we feel best. Has anyone had to deal with this?
I guess the saying is true when you say I do, you say I do to his family and in my case the Army as well. You say I do to the long lonely nights, sudden deployments, short phone calls, and a hectic schedule but that is the lifestyle I want with him. Its who he is and I support that 100%. I am in love with my soldier but his parents seem less than enthusiastic about us moving on to the next step.
Does anyone have any advice for me about marrying into the Army and how to deal with his parents? Should we get married on the day we picked or wait?
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Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 743 Comments: 0 32 View all posts by lil_tinker_bell3232002@xanga
Comments (34)
I think you should do what you think is right. Only you know what is going to work best for you. Good luck :]
Wow, sounds like a wonderful fantasy world....
@The_Aimed_Wanderer@xanga - Yeah, no kidding. I wouldn't go into the armed forces unless I was single. I wouldn't put my girlfriend through that, having to go to sleep alone, crying, hoping I'm not dead yet.
If you know that one day you two will spend forever together, then what's the point of rushing?
Read "Home Fires Burning; Married to the Military - for Better or Worse." It's a raw look at the life of a wife to a military husband. While it praises the sacrifices and hardship military couples make, it doesn't sugarcoat the fact that most military marriages in divorce.
My boyfriend was in the army, so I know what you're talking about. If you two are married you can go with him and live together while hes in the army. you'd live on base together. When you're not married, you have to stay right where you are no matter where he goes and you won't see him and hardly talk to him. Honestly, if I were you I'd do it. I know how it feels to be away from my boyfriend, especially when he was in the army, and it was terrible. It could always wait, since you love each other, but the benefits are worth it. (:
It seems a little rushed to me, but do what you feel is right. No one can make you feel bad for that. Good luck :D
You've only been dating for four months and he's already your fiancee?
I realize that happens, (heck, my husband and I were married within 6 months of meeting each other), but my husband isn't in the military. Which is why I think you should wait until after he returns. Think of it as a trial run. How do you know you'll be able to handle twenty-some years of deployments, worry, and loneliness unless you experience at least one deployment firsthand?
I thank your fiance for serving our country.
i'm prior military. i was in the air force. as soon as i arrived at my first base, my sponsor was introducing me to his friends, and his best friend and i instantly connected. we were inseperable and only 3 months into seeing each other, he had orders to pcs and because i had just gotten there, i had to do 2 years before i could go anywhere else. i said to him "this sucks,...we just met and you're going to be so far away (i was stationed in germany, and he had been there for 2 yrs before i arrived. he had orders to go to texas)." so, you know what he said "wanna get married?" and i said "sure!" and that was that. i was 21, finally free of parents and on my own for the first time. didn't want to be by myself and saw an opportunity to "settle down" and start a family. told the parents and do you think they were happy? heck no. they had good reasons, too. did i listen? heck no. i wanted to prove them wrong. did i? no, i failed miserably. we weren't even married for 6 months before i said i wanted to get a divorce (although i begged him every day for the last 2 months of marriage to go to counseling on base. he didn't want to go). so, a year and a half later and $1500.00 in lawyer fees for an UNCONTESTED divorce, I was able to finally get on with my life. i honestly believe that the reason it didn't work out is because we were both stupid and extremely young. the military life is definitely fast-paced and especially with deployments happening left and right and never knowing if you're going to face death, it's understandable why ppl in the military get married so quickly. i don't regret getting married, though, because i learned SO much about what to do and definitely what NOT to do.
now, my current boyfriend and i have been dating for 5 months and he's due to come home from Iraq any time soon (hopefully this month). when he comes to my state to be stationed at his next base, i invited him to come stay w/me even if the army provides him with a place. it's all up in the air right now, but i'm sure we'll work it out when he gets here.
yes, there definitely are pros and cons to getting married to a military man right before he deploys. i will let you know that deployments can definitely change ppl. it even changed me when i was deployed to kuwait in 2004. my boyfriend at that time saw a really big change in my behavior when i came back and mentioned that he missed the "old me." i was withdrawn, depressed, overly emotional, etc. if anything, try to see a marriage counselor secretly w/o the parents knowing to determine if this really is something you two are ready for. that's one thing my ex-husband and i didn't do. my parents stressed for us to do it, but we didn't have the "time" to do it, 'cause we wanted to rush and get it over with so that he could stay with me for the 2 years i was suppose to serve at my base.
all in all, it should be the two of you that should determine whether you're ready or not. parents may wish their best intentions on their children's future, but overall you guys have the say in whether or not to go thru with this. again, go to a marriage counselor and maybe get another point of view for the "bigger picture" on the prospect of marriage.
best of luck and hope that things work out for the both of you!
HOOAH!
I think your rushing it, i mean i understand you guys both know that its going to be forever but it doesnt always workout the way u want it to. You know its hard when your husband is in the army but when it starts happening thats when the fun is over and reality hits, yes u may think u can handle it but when it comes time to it trust me its going to stress u the hell out.
about the "i do" your not saying "i do" to nobody but him, Its not about his parents its about him and you and thats it. If u going to let his parents run u guys and let them choose when yall should get married then trust me it will never work, even tho his parents do have a point because it is a rush and you guys do need to wait. I understand about the benifits but that will happen when u guys do get married. but you dont want to get married and then a year later yall are going to be divorce because u realize you cant handle him being gone all the time. so just think about this like ALOT.
Also four months is nearly enough to get to know a person. you guys have alot to work on and alot to learn.
@imyourstargirl@xanga - "death"
@xourlastendeavorx@xanga - You'll lose that person either way, then. Marriage shouldn't make a difference.
Whether it's four hours, four days, four months, or four years, you know yourself best and what you are capable of and not. If you want to go through with it, you say your "I do" to all. Then again, why rush it when you know you are going to be together since day one?
Personally, for me, I would wait and see what happens after he comes back home from his deployment. See how "it will be and feel like" when he's on the constant go. Get a taste or reality (the real deal) and see if you really can take it as a military wife.
You will be alone most of the time. You will feel empty when you look at other couples. You will have to be a strong and independent woman when he's not around. You will miss him and might be angry when he's not there for you. Sometimes you may even feel neglected. Or that you need someone to shower you with love. You might even get depress. Or you might totally be fine with it having to be the backbone for yourself and children someday.
Being a military spouse is hard regardless which branch your significant other joins, but it's up to you to make the best out of it and the outcome depends on both parties.
I'd say go with what you feel is right. But I can totally understand not wanting to become part of the family with any hard feelings or tension. I'm not sure what I'd do. I think I would still get married. It's all set, you've discussed it, you two feel you're ready for it....I'd probably still get married.
My SO is also in the Army!! We have been dating 9 months now, but we've known since day one as well. When you know, you know. We're waiting until I graduate and he is out of the Army to marry. We met on his block leave after his first deployment, so it's not likely he'll be deployed again. I keep praying he won't have to go over seas again. We've discussed marriage, but we always talk about getting married after he's out of the Army. I was able to visit him for Labor Day and I brought up marriage and deployment. There wasn't much discussion, he pretty much just said, "of course" when I asked if we would. I said I'd want to at least be engaged if he were to deploy again if not get married. Both of our families know that we talk about marriage when he's home, but I'm not sure how they'd feel about marriage before deployment.
my bf is in the army too he just came back from a year long deployment in Iraq in April. yes it will be lonely and hard and you just got to be strong. a relationship can make it through. but you just have to think long and hard if marriage is right. dont make the mistake of thinking "we should get married now.. because who knows what will happen over there.. " because I know many couples who do this and having it end up badly. you should get married because the timing is right and you both have your life in order. him being deployed shouldnt even be a factor in your decision.your marriage should be a happy time for EVERYONE INVOLVED. so dont rush anything. just get married when he gets back. after all - if you know in your heart you will be together forever - then what is the rush??
plus ... ppl change a lot after deployment.. i know my bf did.. it didnt hurt our relationship and we are still deeply in love. but ppl do change.. so just keep that in mind!! good luck
I don't doubt how real your relationship is with you but I don't think it's fair that his parents won't be able to attend their own sons wedding. I've been seeing a trend with my friends marrying early to military guys (and by early, I mean as in how long they've known each other, been dating, all sorts of different scenarios, etc.)
Why can't you wait a few months? I understand that it may be awhile (six months to a year) before you see him again, but time nowadays goes by pretty quickly and wouldn't that time apart simply reinforce the strength of one's relationship? Are you worried that there IS a big chance either of you will find someone else and that is why you're rushing?
You can hardly base forever off of four months.
Benefits are fine and dandy but you have to realize that marriage is something you want to do SOLELY because of your love for each other. This is regardless of ANY benefits and timing.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - That seems unnecessarily dramatic...
If you need to stop and ask, maybe you should wait. Consider what it could be that is making you hesitate, because it could be a little voice telling you you need more time. Listen, and react accordingly. Time and benefits are one thing, but marriage is for love and life and neither should ever be taken lightly.
I'm kind of on the other side of your situation.
My now husband and I dated just over a year (after hanging out every day as friends a year before that). We knew we wanted to be married. We also knew he would probably be deployed soon and, like you said, benefits for girlfriends and even fiancees are more or less nonexistent compared to benefits for spouses. He wanted to make sure I'd be taken care of if something happened, and there was the plus of getting a honeymoon on his on-tour leave. :)
Anyways, with that in mind, we went ahead and got married a few months ago. It is not easy. I thought that since I had gotten used to him (as my boyfriend and fiancee) being away for training, him as my husband being away wouldn't be any different. It is; it's a different kind of loneliness that's hard to really describe. And especially being a newlywed, while other couples are enjoying each other and their new life together, it's superhard to be living out your first year or so of marriage essentially alone.
So, as a newlywed to a deploying husband, here's my advice:
As others have said, make sure you're marrying him because you love him and it's what you wanted to do anyway. Marriage in itself is full of enough challenges; military marriage adds in a whole other dimension of difficulties. If you don't go into it knowing that whether he was in the military or not, this is what you would want, during those hard times you'll be more tempted to play "what if."
Secondly, whether you marry him or just remain in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with him, make sure you have a network of supportive people around you. You need family and friends who will stand in the gap to support you on those lonely days. Living alone is one thing; being alone is another.
Last, if you decide after all that you do want to get married, do your best to get all your family on the same page. Don't assume anything. Ask them honestly how they feel and if they will support you; you don't want to get married only to find out later that somebody's relative is disapproving of the marriage or lack of wedding or relationship in general. My husband and I are hoping to have a renewal of vows ceremony when he gets back. That way, family and friends can celebrate with us, since none of them were at our actual wedding.
Best of luck.
i wish i had more advice to offer. im in a similar situation but decided to wait till he gets back for us to marry. he's in the navy and will be doing an 8 month cruise. we've only been dating for about 7 months and like you, we know we're going to get married. if you're in the position to get married, you have what you need and believe without any doubt you're meant for one another then go for it.
from my experience so far of his cruise, it's pretty hard. you're going to get mad at the circumstances of him being gone. you're best friend is no longer there. that's what i've realized. he was supposed to be gone for 6 months but they added another 2, which we were not expecting. having friends around and things to keep you busy will help. best wishes.
My husband and I met a little under three months ago. I was formerly in the Army and he is still a Marine and as it is, we both just happened to need our phones to be serviced that day. Two days later we went on our first date and we have been together since. We've experienced the tough things relationships face such as more than a week apart at a time and we stayed strong. We are both people who have been hurt deeply and I value and respect my parent's opinion more than anything but I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. After a previous failed marriage that lasted barely under six months from the date of marriage until the date of a finalized divorce, of course my parents were skeptical. After three weeks of being together, he left for three weeks of training. We fought a lot of the time but mostly because he was stressed and we missed each other. A few days after he got back, he proposed to me. He, too, is set to deploy to Afghanistan in two months and my parents told me they thought we should wait to get married until he got back. I told them I respected their opinion but it was my life to live and I was doing what I felt in my heart was right. They gave me their best and that was that.
The life of a military spouse is difficult. You spend ridiculous amounts of time apart without them even being deployed, you are stressed because of course there will constantly be rumors going around. Military spouses seem to truly enjoy the drama. You will be fine as long as you stay strong and try to find a way to minimize the arguments.
I perfectly understand your hesitations due to family members. They are entitled their opinions, of course, but let's be honest here. Your fiance, hopefully soon to be husband, is a grown man who made a strong decision to protect the country and therefore, any decision he makes regarding his life should not be contested by anyone except perhaps by you. Do what you think is right. Marrying my husband was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life and I couldn't be happier. I hope you, too, will make the decision that is right for you and your husband and you will find the same happiness. Good luck and congratulations.
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