I know there’s been a post on here before about using ‘gay’ and ‘homo’ etc. in derogatory ways, but this post is a little different.
My boyfriend, who I love very much, knows how I feel about discriminating and using words like that in that way. When something wouldn’t work, he’d say, “Ugh, it’s being such a jew.” Or “My internet’s being homo. I’ll talk to you when I get on.” Or some new school rules – “That’s gay.”
It drives me insane. I’ve had the talk with him about it. He stopped for awhile and tried to break his habit of saying words like that rudely. I was really proud of him and relieved, because in general, saying things like that is a bad habit. How would he last at a college interview if he tried to type up some information for himself but the ink didn’t work? Would he tell the interviewer – “Sorry, I don’t have my work. My printer was being gay.”
So after a long talk about why it’s disrespectful to me and a lot of others out there, he finally stopped. But then just today, on the way home, he said, “This bus is gay.”
I looked at him. “Gay?”
He nodded. He didn’t even bother correcting himself to get out of the habit. For the moment, I ignored it. But then a moment ago, I was on the phone with him, and he said, “My internet’s being homo. I’ll tell you later about it.”
I said, “Homo? Really?”
And all he said was, “Yeah, it’s being really gay.”
A few minutes later… “I can’t go on, it’s being really homo!”
It drives me insane.
So, Dantingish/Xanga users, what do you think I should say or he should do to break this habit? Have you ever faced a significant other with a problem like this that you really didn’t like?
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Comments (128)
I tend to think about what I want to say before I say it. I'm guilty of saying "_______ is gay" and such. But now, I try to call it "lame" instead. But then thinking about it, "lame" can seem offensive to someone with a physical disability. It's usually just the need to either be politically correct. However, I do have plenty of gay friends who do say, "This is so gay." So. . . . it guess it's just whomever is around to hear it and how they react.
wow u are really being picky, everyone uses diffrent kind of words to express how something is being like "omg this thing is being a donkey" or damn this is being ayno" so what if he said this is being stupid" would that bother u as much. i dont think its a big deal. ur just making something small a bigger thing then what it is. I think the reason why he has stopped trying to please u is because its really not a big deal. if u met him and u know he has always said it why does it bother u now?
I don't really think him saying "this is gay" or "this is homo" is really a threat to you. I honestly think you just have to deal with it, or learn to cope with it. Or make a compromise, don't expect him to change just ask him if he can use those terms when you're not around, and try to limit his vocabulary use of "gay" and "homo" around you..
If it really grinds your gears, I think your boyfriend should feel compelled to stop. But at the same time, if it's a habit that's been ingrained into his head since the beginning of time, you really should cut him some slack. No one can quit cold turkey when it comes to these things cos saying something like, "This is gay" is really just second nature to some people. I bet half the time he doesn't even consider what he's saying when he makes comments like these.
Maybe you could introduce him to British slang! Unless "My internet is being a wanker" completely offends you as well.
as a gay person i think you have the right to be "picky". if you don't like it and you are straight, how do you think people who are gay hear him saying it. its pretty interesting that his vocabulary is that limited.
I think this is the second time where a picture of a poorly edited sign was on Datingish. The perspective of the words is all wrong, and that actually bothers me more than the topic of this post itself.
My artistic sensitivities usually outweigh my GLBT sensitivities.
@BiTheWay_ItsAdvice@xanga - i say "thats gay" around my gay friends, they are acceptable of it. It's not like i make it into an everyday vocabulary use.
Yeah, this kind of thing bothers me, too. I would just try to remind him again how much it bothers you, and why.
my ex used to do that too!
I see that some think you shouldn't care and ignore it, but people also don't think about the people who it does affect. imagine saying "that's gay" to someone who IS gay?
Keep going on it, or seriously consider if you want to be with someone who's like that. You are a smart, considerate person. So you should be with someone who's smart and considerate as well. :)
@Duhiana@xanga - but that's people you know. would you say it around someone who didn't understand you and the context you speak in?
I hear even gay people talk like that.... so it's not that big of a deal. They know it's not literal. It's just a trend that picked up.
It's a hard habit to break. I tried to break it, and it helped but I still say "that's gay" sometimes.
Let me educate people on why this is a bigger issue than they want to make it out to be.
Saying, "That's so gay," is not okay.
It's like saying, "That's so black-skinned. That's so white-people." It kind of bothers me when people defend saying it by saying that it's basically saying, "That's so stupid. I didn't mean to be offensive."
But that is the reason that it is offensive. Gay once meant jolly, happy. Now it means homosexual. When people started saying, "That's so gay," the word started to mean stupid. Just because it means stupid, does not make it not mean homosexual. If you want to try to separate the two meanings from the word, then you're going to have to explain in a great more detail which one you really meant. Do not let the word gay mean both homosexual and dumb. Do not let homo mean stupid as well as liking of the same gender. To save from the confusion, it's just easier to say, "That's so dumb."
Otherwise, you just sound rude and insensitive. Do not say "That's so gay" unless you literally mean, "That's so comparable to the act of liking the same gender." There's no debate. Unless you want to sound supercilious and pedantic, it is not okay.
i have the problem of saying "thats so gay!" lol ... even in front of my gay friends. they usually just make fun of me. i'm on a campaign to move "gay" as a word away from what we label homosexuals as, but more as a term for things that piss you off.
i dont think i have a lot of backers yet, but we'll get there some day.
Just tell him you're bothered by it and explain why. Then keep pressing him when he says things like that until he corrects himself.
I used "saying" three times in the same sentence... How over-ridiculous.
It kinda bugs me too but sometimes you just
have to put up with it. I mean, if he continues to say things like
that, and slips up in an interview, it's his problem, not yours.
@quiversound@xanga - "Dust" as a verb means to both apply dust to something and to remove dust from something. Same spelling, contradictory meanings. I'm not going to say that saying "that's so gay" is fine, but arguing about the semantics of language is a lost cause. Words evolve, and the following definition is perfectly valid:
Gay (adj):
1. Jovial, merry
2. Homosexual
3. Frustrating, idiotic
If you're going to say "that's so homo" or "it's being a jew" is offensive, then I'll agree with you. I just don't think "that's so gay" is inherently offensive, though I half-assedly try to avoid it anyway because there are more eloquent ways to express myself.
As far as the original post goes - don't be passive aggressive. Repeating him incredulously isn't going to help. Just keep gently reminding him (be forthright about it, say what the problem is) that it's not acceptable behavior.
Don't use the college interview thing as justification though, it's silly. People have different sets of communication standards for different situations. Casually, I swear a lot. In a formal situation, I don't, because I know better. It's the same with slang.
I don't like it when people say that either. I can't say that ever... but if people around me do, I try to ignore, but if they keep repeating it I will say something.
This is retarded. I had a gay roommate for my first semester of college. That resulted in most of my college friends being gay. He often called me out on it, but the rest of my friends usually took my side.
They understand its not derogatory. I'm not saying gay to infer something bad about gay people, it's just a figure of speech. Obviously I didn't actually have a problem with gay people because most of my friends were.
Is it really worth fighting with him over? No. I think you have to consciously make an effort to notice it and make a big deal about it.
@Viserys@xanga - I think you used a poor example of a word. Dust is fuzz that ends up in places after it hasn't been cleaned in a while. Dust, as a verb, dusting, always means to remove dust from a surface. If you've been using the word dusting to mean that you have applied dust to a surface, I would think to ask you why you would want to apply dust to a surface? I don't believe that I've ever heard of anything so counter-productive.
Also, gay no longer means jovial or merry. That is what it once meant, but nobody, in the modern world uses gay with those meanings. That's why I said it ONCE meant that. To find a word that has two modern and contradictory meanings is a very difficult task. Nobody ever means "merry" at the same time as "idiotic". So in the same sense that gay once meant "merry," gay still means homosexual. It still has that definition. When someone says "That's so gay," in modern times, they can both mean at the same time, "That's so homosexual" and "That's so idiotic". That is the root homophobia of the matter. When everybody says, "That's so gay," it teaches them to look at the people who say, "I am gay," as people who are wrong and terrible. It is why "That's so gay" is the equivalent of a racial-slur.
Not to mention that the whole point of my post was not to let gay evolve into a word that means frustrating or idiotic. Allowing it to mean that to you, as well as to say it with those meanings is how you would become supercilious and pedantic, which I mentioned earlier.
@bass_chick57@xanga - I don't voice out my thoughts and yell "that's gay!" to a bunch of strangers, i tend to keep my immature thoughts with my friends.
Although, I see your point, but I never make it in a tone that's insulting, although some other people might view it in a different perspective.
I don't think it's really that much of a big deal, but maybe I'm saying that because I'm still young.
yeah, my ex used to use the word nigga all the time, he drove me mad
i guess its because people are just so used to it. like with the environment they're in and all. you can just remindhim nicely
I have several gay friends that actually don't care, and even they use it sometimes as an adjective. Not saying it's okay, but they don't have problems with it.
People will always say stupid things.